I kissed Kade! I think to myself for what feels like the hundredth time. I still can’t get over it.

I know it happened, there’s no denying that, but every now and again the memory hits me hard in the face, shocking me all over again. I never intended to kiss him, I certainly didn’t expect it to happen, I don’t think either of us planned for it, but maybe that makes it even better. It’s so romantic. Finally, after all these years he saw me as someone he might actually like and he went with that urge. It’s lovely, fate, perhaps.

Oh, and the kiss. The kiss was off the scale. It felt so nice that I actually got out a new diary and I filled it in. I haven’t written about my life for ages, I’ve always been too busy doing other things, and to be honest I haven’t had anything good to write either, but now I do. Kade is my muse again, like he always has been.

November 2^nd

There was a look in Kade’s eye through most of the date. I kept trying to work out what it was, but I couldn’t figure it out. Not at first. But then he took me outside and he kissed me. His soft lips crashed into mine in a hard way, and he wrapped his desire around me. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this good.

While we kissed I felt a stirring, in my heart and somewhere else too. Somewhere downstairs. Then I kept thinking about what my friends said about him liking me and I wondered if we’d end up in bed together.

As I read over my diary entry, I can’t help laughing at myself. I actually did think we might end up having sex and that made me scared and excited all at once. I even planned how I would tell him that I’m a virgin. I guess I don’t want us to do anything without him knowing, but it never came to that. The guy who has the reputation for being a terrible player was the perfect gentleman. He walked me to my room and kissed me on the cheek as we said goodbye to one another. That was it, and it was sweet. Really sweet.

I think I might be falling for him. Like, even more than before because now he feels the same way about me. He has to like me too because he kissed me. It might not make any sense for him to like me, but the evidence suggests that he does. I wrap my arms around my chest and smile happily to myself.

“What are you writing?” Cindy asks me as she spots me smirking to myself like a crazy person.

“Oh, I’m just getting some research done for class,” I reply with a blush. “I just can’t wait to get it done.”

She gives me a curious look, but still I won’t reveal any more to her. I don’t want her to know about me and Kade. Even now that we’ve kissed I won’t tell my friends. I don’t want them to judge me.

“Oh right. Do you always feel this pleased with yourself when you get some work done?”

I laugh, probably a bit too loudly in an attempt to disguise what I’m really happy about. She isn’t the type to grab my diary from my hand and read it, she’s good with respecting boundaries, but I suppose I haven’t been acting like myself recently and I don’t want her to get the wrong idea. If she starts worrying about me, she might think that she needs to invade my privacy. Then I’ll have to admit the truth.

“So, what’s the plan for this evening? Rhiannon was talking about heading out to the ice cream place in town. Are you up for it?” I nod enthusiastically. Ever since I kissed Kade I can barely sit still. I need to keep on moving and doing things to entertain myself so I don’t go insane. “Okay, fab, say six ish?”

“Six sounds perfect. I’ll get this finished up and then I’ll take a shower and be ready to go!”

To not raise any more suspicion, I make a big show of ‘finishing up’ with my work. I include another diary entry just to give myself something to write about. Although I have to admit it feels good to get all my feelings off my chest. Since I can’t share them with my friends, I need to do something with them,

November 5^th

I can’t wait to see Kade again. We’ve messaged a lot and I know that he wants to hang out, but it’s hard for him when he’s got so much going on. I have too, but it’s hard to focus on any of it. I keep thinking about what’s going to happen when we spend time together again. Will we kiss? We have to kiss again, right? That’s an unwritten rule, surely? I guess the real question is what else we’ll do. Ooh, it gives me shivers. Kade is the one person I like the idea of having sex with… I don’t think it would be right to even consider anyone else.

I put down my pen when the pulsing in my panties gets too much. There’s an urge inside me, and it’s growing to a level that’s almost uncontrollable. I feel like I might explode if I don’t explore it soon. I’m breathless, my throat has run completely dry. I need some serious alone time.

“I’m headed in the shower,” I rasp to Cindy while I chuck my books back under my bed. “See you after.”

I grab my towel and some baggy clothes to chuck over my body when I get out and I race from the room. Luckily, this isn’t the sort of college where we have communal showers, me and Cindy share one in our en suite bathroom which means I won’t be interrupted while I wash and… well, whatever.

I pant needily as I flick the shower on. I strip my clothes down rapidly, not waiting for the water to heat up. For the first time ever, I don’t want to keep myself covered up, I want to tug the material from me because it’s in the way, irritating my hypersensitive skin. I’m on fire, and the brush of cotton isn’t helping that.

I jump under the water and let it wash over my face, hoping it’ll calm me down, but it doesn’t. If anything, my heart hammers harder, smashing so violently against my rib cage I fear it might break free.

Oh, Kade, I think as I bite down on my bottom lip. That kiss was amazing… I want more.

I imagine him in front of me, soaking up my much too forward words as if they’re something I might actually be brave enough to say. He has that same look in his eye, the one that came just before he kissed me. It was a hooded desire, almost as if he didn’t even know that he would do it before he did. I love that look, it’s animalistic and sexy as hell, and it makes me shudder violently.

“Oh, you want more, do you?” I picture him asking as he nears me. “I can give you so much more. It just depends what you want.”

I can almost feel him for real. My body heats up with the sensation of him nearby. I brush my fingers lightly over my hip, feeling like it’s him, and I slowly travel it up my body until I cup my own breast.

“You are so sexy, Lucie, so beautiful. I have always wanted you but I’ve been too shy to ask.”

I gasp as the imaginary version of him kisses all over my neck and towards my collar bone. My core aches with lust and need. I keep trying to fight it, but there isn’t any point anymore. I want him, so badly.

I tangle my fingers through the strands of public hair I pass as I make my way downwards, which actually makes my hips buck. I’m so excited and needy that I’m going crazy and he’s not even really here… although as I slide my eyes closed and I move my hungry fingers towards my soaking wet slit, it’s hard to remember that.

“Oh, Lucie, you’re so wet. Is that all for me?” I nod and push a finger in. “And tight too. Am I your first?” I nod again. If anyone could see me I’d probably like I’m an insane person, nodding away to myself. “That’s so hot. And lovely too. It makes me fall in love with you that you’ve saved yourself for me.”

I always thought that I was waiting for the right man, but maybe all this time I’ve simply been waiting for Kade to notice me and realize that I’m the one for him.

I groan quietly to myself as I add in another finger. I don’t want Cindy to hear me however much I lose control, but this feels so freaking good that it’s impossible to remain silent. I angle my hand so I brushing past my clit with every single thrust. It sends my head spinning with lust and desire, every single time. My other hand thumbs my nipple and I pretend to myself that it’d Kade’s rough tongue.

“Oh, God, Lucie, you feel so good.” The Kade in my mind gets increasingly desperate as the pleasure creeps up on me. It starts as a hot pool in my toes and it creeps up through my veins, making me feel a weird sense of gorgeous numbness as it does. “I want to make love to you, to feel you, to hold you…”

“Oh wow…” I mutter desperately as the pleasure reaches its peak and it crashes over me in waves. It rolls over me, swallowing me whole and causing me to crouch over so I don’t fall. It’s too much, it’s delicious and has my head spinning with lust. “Oh, Kade, you are too much…”

I don’t know what the real thing will be like, but if it’s anything like in my imagination then it’ll be incredible. I’m panting, breathless, and my knees knock together. The water pouring over my head is great because I’m sure I’d be slick with sweat otherwise. I’m burning hot, and it’s all because of him.

I grab the shampoo and lather it through my hair as I try my hardest to return to normal. Cindy already thinks something is up, I don’t want to make that worse by letting her see me all over the place. If she spots my flushed cheeks and my drained lungs, she might start making assumptions.

“Lucie.” Her knuckles rap against the door, just as I thought of her which is strange. I jump, wondering if she knows that she’s knocked at the perfect time. Any sooner and I don’t know if I’d have been able to answer her normally. “Your phone keeps going off, just thought I would let you know.”

Oh my God, what if it’s him? It might be Kade at last!

“Right, thank you,” I answer in the most level tone of voice that I can manage. “I’ll be out in a moment.”

I speed things up, needing to know who’s trying to contact me, just in case. I suppose it could be my parents, it’s been a while since I last spoke to Mom, and it could be one of my other friends, but instinctively I don’t think it will be. Or maybe I just hope, either way I need to know for sure. I might not want to keep getting my hopes up over and over again, but I just can’t help it.

This time, I really think me and Kade are going to end up together, and I can’t wait to start our lives together at last.