Walking along the track, almost hand in hand with Kade – well, our hands keep almost brushing together and I’m getting lots of electrical sensations which is pretty much the same as far as I’m concerned – is like coming full circle. It’s nice to not be here alone, remembering by myself, it makes it much more fun.

It’s a dirty little road, surrounded by trees, rocks, and odd patches of grass. It’s nothing really, not to the naked eye, but to us it’s where we hung out to escape the watchful eye of our parents.

“Oh, and that’s where you fell off you bike and scratched all your face up, do you remember?” Kade chuckles. “You told some girls from school that a tiger attacked you to scare them.”

“Ooh, yeah I forgot about that. I think I just wanted everyone to think that I’m not to be messed with.” As we pass a place I usually avert my eyes when I get to, I can’t resist commenting, just to see what he’ll say. “Look, there’s the bench where you sat with Marcey May, right before you told me to get lost.”

His face turns red, then all the color drains from it as he thinks about that tima. “Yeah, I was a dick, wasn’t I? I’m sorry about that. I think I was just following my hormones around the place like an idiot.”

I shake my head and laugh; the memory no longer affects me like it once did. Even when I was in college, it felt like the worst thing that had happened to me. Now I can see that I didn’t even tell Kade how I felt, how was he supposed to know that his actions would hurt me? As far as he was concerned, we were just buddies. He treated me in exactly the same way that he would’ve treated any other of his friends. Just ‘one of the guys’.

“Yeah, don’t worry about it. I was the same. We were all just idiots trying to make it through life.”

At that moment, he slips his hand through mine and he makes me feel all sparkly all over. It’s as if a glitter bomb has exploded in my chest, tingling all the way through my body. Kade still seems like an awesome person, and he really does seem to like me. I don’t know if now is the time to tell him everything… but what if this is just a kindness to get me into bed? That’s kinda what I think he might have done a bit last time. I wouldn’t want to think that of him, but it’s possible. I don’t want to lay all my cards out on the table to end up hurt again. I need to keep it inside until I get more time to assess… or at the very least until I speak to Mom and I get her advice. Much as I know she’s keen for all the secrecy to be over, I know she’ll put Logan first.

Kade has possibly worked it out anyway and he hasn’t said anything, which is hint enough for now.

“Shall we sit on the bench, just me and you for a while?” he asks me with a smile. “Make some new memories? I don’t want to think about Marcey May every time I look at it. I’d rather think of you.”

Teenage me would have absolutely died if he spoke to me like this back then, if he’d put his heart on the line and said all these nice things, it might have driven me wild. Admittedly, it still does now but I’m trying my hardest to keep it all inside. His words make me grin like an idiot, but that’s all I let out.

“Sure, why not. I don’t want to think about her anymore either… where even is she these days?”

“I don’t know,” Kade replies with a shrug as he takes a seat. “I know that you can look everyone up online and find out exactly what they’re doing, but I don’t want to. If they aren’t in my life anymore, then there has to be a reason for that. I don’t think I want to know if they’re a success or a failure, you know?”

His words make sense, I don’t spend much time on social media either. I have accounts, but I don’t like to look at them. I don’t want to know what happened to Cindy and Rhiannon when I cruelly cut them out of my life because it’s awkward and embarrassing. I was so shamed of why I was leaving college that I just left. I didn’t tell anyone why. Maybe they found out somehow, some of the faculty had to know, but they didn’t find out from me. Of course they reached out to me at the time, but since I never replied they eventually gave up.

I don’t think I’m capable of facing that. It’s been years anyway, there isn’t any reason to reconnect now. I don’t feel like I want to see where their lives are because it only highlights how I took a swerve in a different direction. Maybe I will one day, but for now I’m quite happy to keep myself to myself.

“I don’t even think I had any real friends at college anyway, just drinking buddies and people who liked to latch on to the money that I could spend. None of them knew me and I didn’t them.”

“I was your friend,” I say softly. “And I knew you. You always had me, you know?”

With that, he gives me a look so intense that my heart skips about ten beats. There’s a kiss coming, I can sense it this time, he isn’t simply planting it on me. I could stop it too, if I wanted to. I could drag my eyes away and make sure that it doesn’t happen, but the powerful magnetic connection is too damn strong. Plus, if I’m really honest with myself, I want this kiss to happen. I like Kade, despite everything.

His hand hooks around the back of my neck and he drags me to him. I go willingly, pursing out my lips as I go. This kiss feels better and I think that must be because I’m more in control of the situation. I’ve made an active decision that I want to feel that delicious sensation of Kade’s lips pressed up against mine. The anticipation in the pit of my stomach is killing me, it’s swirling violently, I need it so badly…

An involuntary moan almost escapes my lips as our mouths finally meet. He feels so good as he kisses me, I absolutely love the sensation. It’s off the scale. With his hold fixing me firmly in place I couldn’t move even if I wanted to… but I don’t. It feels so wonderful, I want to remain lip locked in this amazing moment forever. I want the rest of the world to melt away so I can enjoy it for as long as I can, before reality gets in the way and wrecks things. I slide closer to him, snaking my arms around his waist, deepening the kiss.

“Mmm, that feels so good,” Kade murmurs against me. “This is definitely a better memory.”

I giggle girlishly and tug backwards, needing to create some distance while I try to work out what to do next. This could go one of two ways, my heart and my head argue over which, but my head must win.

“I think I better go home in a moment,” I tell Kade regretfully. “I need to make sure that Logan is okay.”

“Of course.” Kade nods and stands up. Then he extends out his hand for me to take, which I do willingly. “I understand, you have someone who needs you way more than I do. That’s okay, we can do this again…”

He leaves that sentence hanging in the air for me to complete. “Yes, that’s good. We can do this again. We’re both here, aren’t we? So, we have all the time in the world to hang out, me and you.”

As we walk back home, I feel like I’m flying. My feet barely touch the ground. This feeling is lovely and I really do pray that it lasts. I haven’t felt this way for ages and it’s utterly delicious. With Kade’s hand in my own, I don’t feel quite so alone after all. I’m trying my best not to get too carried away. But it’s hard.

“Thank you for such a lovely night,” I say once we reach my door. “It was awesome and I can’t wait to do it again.” He leans down and gives me a soft and gentle kiss. “Goodnight, Kade.”

I watch him leave, smiling to myself and biting down on my bottom lip as he goes. He looks so good that it hurts. He’s still got it, that magical thing that clamps down and won’t let me go. I love it.

Eventually, I make my way inside and predictably my mom is sitting there at the kitchen table, waiting for me. I sigh loudly and give her a grin, my happiness shines through even if I’m not sure that I want to.

“So?” she asks me excitedly, patting her hands hard on the table. “How did it go? Was it a nice evening?”

“Yes, Mom,” I swoon and fall into the nearest chair. “It was really nice, an awesome night.”

“And…? Did you tell him?” She leans forward, resting on her elbow. “About Logan, I mean?”

“Yeah, no I got that. I know what you mean. And I didn’t tell him, but that’s because I’m biding my time. I want to be one hundred percent sure that everything is going to be okay before I say anything. He seems nice now, but I want to be sure. Like, he seems like he’s grown up a lot too, but I want to be certain.”

“As long as you’re doing this for Logan’s benefit and not your own?” Mom asks me with narrowed eyes. “I understand completely, I know that you’re just trying to do the right thing and it isn’t easy.”

“Of course it’s for Logan. I wouldn’t be so selfish, you know that, Mom.”

“I do.” She rests her hands on mine and smiles. “I’m just trying to lookout for you both.”

A weariness overcomes me, I don’t know how much I want to discuss this any further, so I push myself up and I walk towards the stairs. “Well, I’m going to bed, Mom, so I’ll see you in the morning.” I pause for a moment before I say anything else. “I love you, and thank you so much for everything that you do. I don’t want you to think that I don’t appreciate it, because I really do. You’re amazing.”

“Oh, you know that you’re welcome, sweetie.” Mom presses her hand to her chest, glad for the show of appreciation. I really must remember to do that more often. “Love you.”

As I walk up the stairs, I brush my fingers over my lips, loving the way I can still feel Kade there. It’s almost as if he’s still kissing me now, that’s a sensation I don’t want to let go of. It really was a wonderful date. If it wasn’t for all the secrecy surrounding us then I would easily be able to fall into this with my arms wide open… but the secret remains and it could quite easily tear us apart.

I check on Logan quickly before falling into bed. I already know that my night will be filled of him, Kade will consume my dreams entirely, and I’m more than happy for that to be the case. I would happily dream of him every single night, as long as I knew that he wasn’t going to hurt me in the morning.

Although maybe this time I’ll be the one who hurts him.