As the bright morning light streams through my bedroom window, I open my eyes with a smile spread across my face. I honestly feel like I really do have it all together now which is amazing. My career is slowly growing, my love life is progressing… what could be better than that? Lucie loves me, she actually loves me. When I first told her that I loved her, I thought that I’d freaked her out, but then she said it back and everything felt right with the world. I’m the luckiest son of a bitch ever, finally getting my third chance.

Almost as an automatic reaction, I grab my cell phone off the night stand and I stare at the screen. Almost right away, I notice a brand new message from Rhiannon, which is strange. I click on it to read what I did before: Hi, Kade, long time no see! We went to the same college, right? If I remember rightly, you were friends with Lucie Smith? How is life treating you these days? Rhiannon.’ But then there’s more, almost as if she had a second thought once she’d messaged me. ‘Oh, sorry, I just remembered that you and Lucie didn’t end on good terms, did you? Oops, forgetful me! I didn’t mean to bring up the girl you left college because of…’

Almost right away I reply, I don’t want anyone to think that’s the case. I would even prefer people to know the truth. ‘Oh no, that isn’t the case. I didn’t leave college because of Lucie! :)’

I smile to myself and drop my phone on the sheets, but shockingly almost moments later, I hear it ping once more, a message from Rhiannon. I grab it eagerly wanting to know what will come next. I still don’t quite know where this is going to lead, I haven’t yet fully made up my mind one way or another.

‘Oops, sorry I’d had a bit to drink last night, I was out with some friends and I think I got all mixed up. That’s right, you didn’t leave because of Lucie. She left because of you. Dur! Haha.’

Huh? I screw my nose up in confusion. Lucie didn’t leave because of me, she left because of the baby. I don’t know if she told her friends though about the baby, but they must have knows about the guy. I know that I should just leave it alone and stop digging, but I’m so close I can taste it.

‘I thought that she left quite a while after me? Because of some bad break up?’

Urgh, I hate myself. I’m an idiot. Why am I doing this? What’s the problem with me? A sadness overcomes me as I stare at the screen, feeling like an absolutely asshole. This isn’t something I should be doing.

‘I know it’s been a fair few years, but I know one thing for sure. Lucie only had one bad break up and it was you.’ My heart sinks, my head spins. ‘I’m not being a douche, I know that we all made mistakes…’

I can’t read anymore, I leap up from my bed and I race down the stairs to find someone, anyone who can help me with this. Luckily, my mom is sitting at the table with her morning cup of coffee clutched between her fingers. I race over to her and practically shake her as I try my hardest to get my words out.

“Mom, mom, mom.” She looks stunned, which is hardly surprising. “I need to talk to you…”

“What’s going on?” she gasps in a panic. “What is the matter with you, Kade?”

“When did Lucie get back from college?” I can barely contain myself. “Like, how long after me?”

“Erm?” She knots her eyebrows together. “I can’t really remember, why? What’s this all about?”

“Mom, I need to know when she came back. Was it a long time after me or not?”

Mom folds her arms across her chest and gives me a curious look. Why can’t she just see that what I really need is for her to just give me the answers that I so desperately need? Can’t she see how freaked I am?

“What’s going on with you and Lucie? Because I saw you all playing in the yard last night…”

“Yeah, we hung out. We played in the yard. Whatever.” I shake my head in dismay. “What I need to know, Mom, and this is very important, is when Lucie came back from college. How long after me?”

“Erm?” She taps her chin thoughtfully. “I don’t know. She came back because she was pregnant…”

“Yeah, I know that, but when? Days? Weeks? Months? Years?” I throw my hands up. “When?”

“It wasn’t long. I can’t remember exactly when, why are you asking me this all of a sudden?”

My head falls into my hands. I start to think about all the things that I haven’t noticed before. The look of Logan, the way that Lucie keeps going really strange every time I mention his father, the way that he behaves… even the fact that Lucie is, and always has been, a ‘good girl’ type. I don’t think she would be the sort to leap into bed with someone else so soon after me. I just can’t imagine it. But I can’t see her keeping something so huge from me either. She isn’t the sort. Well, as far as I know anyway.

“Mom, I know you don’t understand, but I really need to know when. How can I find out?”

“I don’t know, if you’ve forgotten me and your father were very wrapped up in trying to sort your life out. I know that there were some issues with the Smith family but I couldn’t concentrate too much on that…”

“No, I know, I understand that.” Again, I’m the thing getting in my own damn way. “I’m sorry about all of that still. I guess I’m just trying to figure some things out.”

“What, son?” Mom asks me curiously. “What are you trying to figure out? I want to help.”

I decide to go to a different tact. “Mom, did you ever find anything out about Logan’s father?”

“No, it’s something that no one knows. She wouldn’t even tell her own parents… why do you know?”

She leans forward across the table, her eyes spiking with excitement. This seems to be something that she’s been trying to work out for years and now she might actually be able to crack that code. She won’t be happy when she does. If I’m right, and I’m not totally convinced that I am just yet, then she’s about to discover that she’s lived next door to her grandchild for years and never known. How will she take that?

“Mom, I’m trying to work out who the father is, and I think I might know.”

She purses her lips tightly together and she gives me a funny look. “I know that there must be something going on with you and Lucie at the moment, we’ve all seen it, but I don’t think you’ve got to start digging around. There must be a reason that Lucie doesn’t want anyone to know and I don’t think you should push it.”

I can’t stand it anymore, I feel like the words are about to explode free from me. “Mom, me and Lucie had a… very short… fling.” Urgh, I hate calling it that, but I suppose it was. “In college, just before I left… that’s why I want to know how long it was after me that she came back. Okay?”

I slump forward and rest my head on the table. I hate myself for being that person, and I’m also not very happy that I’m in this mess. Mom is going to crucify me when she clocks onto the truth.

“So, what you’re trying to tell me…” Mom asks slowly. “Is that you and Lucie had a fling, back in college, presumably one where you didn’t used protection, and then you left… followed by her… and she was pregnant.” She sucks in a couple of panicked breaths. “Pregnant with Logan… by you.”

“Well, I don’t know that for sure, that’s what I’m trying to work out right now.”

Mom leaps up from the table and she runs from the room. I have no idea what she’s doing, so while I wait I pour myself a cup of coffee. I take a slow sip but I spit it out rapidly, unable to keep anything down. I’m really trying not to do anything rash right now which is so bloody difficult when my head is everywhere.

I could be a father… Logan might be my child… I could have been a dad for four whole years…

“Look.” Mom hands me a photo album which I open with confusion. “I didn’t notice it before but now that you’ve said it I can see the similarities. You and Logan… you as a kid. You’re exactly the same.”

I glance through all the pictures, growing increasingly panicked for the moment. Mom is right. We do look really similar. We could be the same child. Me and Logan… when I said that me and Kade were practically the same, I didn’t know how much I meant it. But we are. We are exactly the same. It’s like looking at a mirror version of myself. He is mine, he’s mine, I’m his father. That’s just… I don’t know what it is.

My chest gets tight, panic tears through my body, I almost can’t breathe. I clutch onto my chest, gasping, rasping. I think Mom is talking to me, words dance around my ears but none of them sink in. My brain buzzes far too loudly for anything to sink in. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m a dad and I didn’t know anything about it. She could have told me, I could’ve known all this time. My life could have been totally different. I could have been… well, I don’t know, I could’ve been a family man.

“Son, you don’t know for sure yet…” Finally, my brain calms down enough for something to creep in. “You can’t jump to these conclusions until you’ve asked her.”

“What do you think about this?” I pant at Mom. “If he does turn out to be mine?”

She shrugs and gives me a funny look. “Mom’s only do things for their children that they think is right. Maybe it’ll hurt me a little to learn that’s the case, but I know that Lucie will have her reasons.”

I don’t know if I can be as forgiving as Mom, not right now. I feel like my blood is boiling. When I think about all the chances that Lucie has had to speak to me, over the last five years, and now since I’ve been back, and she hasn’t, I feel sick with rage. The only excuse is that I’ve somehow managed to get it all kinds of wrong. If I’m not Logan’s father that will be fine, but if I am…

“We will have time to make up for all the lost time anyway,” Mom continues. “I would love to have him as a grandchild, he’s a great kid. Actually, maybe it would be a good thing to have…”

“Mom, just stop.” I can’t listen to this. “Don’t get carried away, we don’t know anything yet. I need to speak to Lucie directly before we plan for anything. And that’s exactly what I intend to do right now.”

I jump up and I storm from the room, needing to calm down this thumping sensation inside my entire body. Now the happiness has gone, but I still need to speak to Lucie. This time, I won’t leave until I find out the truth once and for all. I shouldn’t have dug around, but she’s got some damn explaining to do.