I huff loudly, struggling to concentrate, thanks to the racket coming from the other side of the bar. It’s usually a safe haven here during the day, a place where me and my study group can help one another through the most challenging assignments that our English teacher sets us. Today, it’s all about finding a modern day comparison to Henry the Fifth by Shakespeare, which is way it’s harder than it sounds. Made worst by the fact that the partying crowd have decided to start early today. Most of them are drunk by midday that I would never ever allow myself to get. Yes, maybe I’m a control freak that doesn’t like anyone else to have power over me, including booze, but personally I don’t see anything wrong with that. It certainly hasn’t harmed me.

“Urgh, that Kade Roberts is such an asshole!” my roommate, Cindy, cries out in despair. “Honestly, why is he even here? I think it’s obvious that he doesn’t want to be. Why can’t he leave college for those of us who care? I actually give a shit about my grades and I need to do well. I don’t need to listen to that!”

I make an agreeable noise, I get what Cindy is saying, the Kade sitting before us is horrible. He isn’t ever the sort of person that I would let myself be friends with, I’d barely even consider him a person… but that wasn’t always the case. Once upon a time, I thought he was the best person the grace the planet.

According to what I’ve been told by my parents, the Roberts family brought the land near our home when Mom was pregnant with me. They started lengthy renovations that caused her no end of stress. At one point, she almost tried to create a legal argument against the works, but only stopped herself because of how obvious it was that they had money. Much more money than we could even dream of. Judging by the size and grandeur of the house, plus the speed at which it was built, they were loaded. The legal team they could afford would have smashed any hope we had at all. She assumed that she was going to hate them the moment they moved in… but as she saw them arriving, with a new born baby in their arms, she melted. She didn’t have any pregnant friends and wanted someone to share the experience with. By the time I came along, they were the best of friends, practically living in one another’s homes as they raised their children together.

Naturally, this led to me and Kade having a deeper bond that we wouldn’t have formed otherwise. We spent most of our childhood just the two of us and we were both happy for it to be that way. When we got a little older and some of the other kids treated Kade like shit because of his wealth, that only confirmed that me and him should remain tightly in the little bubble of friendship that we had created for ourselves.

And I always thought it would be that way, I didn’t think anything could shake us. I certainly didn’t think that we would end up at the same college, sitting in the same bar, not talking to one another.

Damn hormones, I had to blame them. Hormones and high school, the things that ripped us to shreds.

I guess there was a small part of me that always thought me and Kade would end up together, even if I didn’t realize it. We would play Mom’s and Dad’s together and have fake weddings, all at my request, but that was a prerequisite for what was to come. I assumed that we were tied together so tightly that romance was inevitable, and as I grew into my teenage years, that became extremely apparent in my diary entries.

Twelve year old me started to really notice Kade in a brand new way, and thirteen year old me was even worse. I would daydream about him, imagine the moment where he would finally declare his undying love to me. I knew that we were years off, but I wanted to prepare myself to the moment my life all changed around.

Those feelings only increased and intensified the older I got, and it seemed the more I liked him, the more he pulled away from me. In high school he joined the football team and became one of the most popular guys around, leaving me in his dust. I was still the same, whereas he had changed dramatically. With the popularity came female attention… and that scared me. I guess because of that I clung too tightly and I ultimately ended up pushing him away. I shoved him in the wrong direction and ended up losing him to Marcey or May. Well, she was the first one, there were hundreds of others after her, but seeing him with her killed me.

My heart shattered in my chest, I realized how foolish I’d been clinging onto someone who wasn’t ever going to want me. Why the hell would he want boring old me when he could have the sluttier girls who would do anything for him? I pulled away to protect myself, I needed to heal my aching heart, and the worst part was he didn’t even seem to care. He carried on in exactly the same way he always had done, as if I meant nothing.

I thought going away to college would be the final break that I needed, but I guess I’m never going to get so lucky. I still have to face him, to see him all the time, to be reminded of what I can’t have.

I don’t want to still have feelings for him, I want to be stronger and better, but sadly I do.

“I’m sure they’ll move on soon,” I reply tartly while focusing my eyes back on my book. “They won’t want to stick around here forever, I’m sure it’s way too boring for them. The clubs in town must open soon?”

“Urgh,” Harper agrees, rolling her eyes dramatically. “I hope so. What a bunch of losers.”

I laugh along with the others, but deep down I fear we’d all prefer to be with them. Of course it’s good to be focused on our future, I’m not denying that, especially when we don’t all have definite secure futures like Kade does, but every now and again I would love to let lose. I think I’ve shut myself off so much that I don’t even know how to have fun anymore. I’m the least experienced in even my group of friends, I’m the only virgin and I’ve only been drunk once as well. I guess to others, I’m boring, but to me I’m just shy.

“Anyway, let’s forget about them. They’ll be gone soon.” I can’t stand this conversation anymore, it’s too much. I need to get refocused. “Let’s have a discussion about what we’re going to do for this project…”

“Oh my God, he’s looking at you,” Cindy hisses, pushing her glasses back up her nose in her excitement. “Kade. He’s staring at you like he knows you.” She cocks her head curiously. “Does he know you?”

I haven’t shared my history with Kade with anyone, because it’s embarrassing to go into all the details of it. I don’t want to admit to my mates that I actually had… have a crush on him. It’s humiliating. They’ll never see me in the same way, they’ll realize that I’m just as pitiful as those other girls draped all over him.

“Oh, well… sort of.” My cheeks flame a bright shade of red, probably giving me away. “I mean, we live near each other back at our home town, but that’s it. Obviously, we aren’t friends or anything.”

“You never told me that,” Cindy gasps and shoves me. I almost fall back off my chair as she does, I don’t think she knows her own strength! “That’s kinda wild, don’t you think? Did you go to the same school?”

Urgh, I don’t want to think about school, not in the same context of Kade. It brings all that tragic heart break floating to the surface again. “Yes, and he was just as much of a dick then as he is now.”

“Woah, alright, did he pick on you, or something?” Cindy chuckles. “Sounds like there’s something there.”

I shook her a glare, but she doesn’t seem to care about it. She’s found something to tease me about and knowing Cindy, she’ll ride that rain for as long as she can. It’s irritating, but whatever. I’ll just ignore it. I fix my head downwards and stare at the page in front of me. I want to focus on the words, but they’re swimming in front of my eyes. They won’t stay still on the page, mostly because I know that Kade is looking at me and I want to know why. Does he even remember me? What’s he thinking as he stares at me? Does he miss me?

“Are you okay?” As Harper asks me this, I notice that I’m panting like crazy. It’s almost as if I’m having a panic attack or something. “Do you want to go out and get some air or something?”

I don’t know what I want, I just want the scrutiny to stop. With everyone’s eyes upon me I feel like I’m under a police headlight and they’re firing unanswerable questions at me. I shake my head desperately.

“No, I don’t think I need air. I think I just need a drink. I’ll go and get one.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Harper moves to stand to support me, but falls back down as I shake my head no. I need to be by myself.

“No, thank you, I’ll be fine.”

I push my chair back, but I head in the opposite end to the bar and I got for the bathroom. I just want a little bit of time alone to calm myself down. This is madness, I’ve seen Kade around the campus before. It’s not the biggest place, even if we have different classes and opposite circles of friends, we can’t avoid each other, so I don’t know why I’m having this reaction now. Is it just because he’s looking at me?

It’s really challenging to keep my eyes fixed forward. The magnetic pull towards Kade is unbearable, I don’t know how I manage to resist it, but I just about get it. I don’t want to meet his gaze when I don’t know where his mind set is, especially when he’s surrounded by all those girls. They’ll laugh at me, just like the girls in high school. Maybe we’re college age now and supposedly grown up, but I haven’t seen much evidence as that. As far as I can tell, everyone behaves in exactly the same way that they did way back when.

What are you doing? I ask myself as I stare at my wide eyed, crazy reflection in the mirror. What the hell is going on? Why are you freaking out? I remind myself that he already made high school challenging for me, I don’t want to lose college too. Just get out there and act like a normal person.

I know Cindy and Harper will be talking about me, so I don’t want to make that worse. I don’t want them to assume that there’s more to this than there is. There isn’t anymore. I need to get my head screwed on and remember that I’m here to better myself, to push myself forward in life, to keep working towards my college education. I need this, and I want it too. I cannot allow Kade Roberts to take that from me. He doesn’t deserve that, he hasn’t been good to me for a very long time. He’s in my past, and that’s where he needs to stay.