“Lucie, you need to come to class,” Cindy tells me softly. “It’s been two weeks, You’re going to end up getting behind. I know that you’re sad, but this is getting a bit much now. You have to get up.”

Okay, so she’s right. I’ve been tucked up in bed refusing to face the world for far too long, and I do need to start regaining myself, but it’s hard. This heart break has made me ill and I don’t know how to get over it. I want to be strong, I want to be powerful and to be able to face it, but I can’t. I’m too hurt.

“I don’t want to,” I groan painfully. “Just bring me the work to do here. I can do that.”

Cindy whips the sheets back from my head and stares down at me with sympathy in her eyes. I can see that she thinks I’m a pitiful mess, but what can I do? I’ve fallen apart along with all the other girls, over bloody Kade Roberts. Trying to change my life isn’t easy at all, not that I’ve done much other than cry.

“Lucie, I wasn’t going to tell you this, mostly because I don’t ever want to bring up his name again.” I bolt upright in bed, knowing that she means Kade. I half expect her to tell me that he’s found the love of his life and that I’m going to have to face them together eventually unless I leave college… not that I think that’s an option or I would have done it already. I can’t go now. “But Kade Roberts has left college.”

Huh? I wasn’t expecting that at all. “Left? What do you mean, left? Like, gone home?”

“I don’t know.” Cindy shrugs at me. “But it isn’t temporary. He’s gone completely.”

“No way.” I shake my head rapidly. “There’s just no way. His father wouldn’t let him go.”

“Well, he has. He must have. Kade has gone. Apparently, his room is empty now. Well, aside from his roommate. He’s just gone and no one really knows why. It’s all anyone can talk about.”

It must be, he’s such a popular guy. Everyone must be totally shocked. I rack my brains, trying to work out what could have done this to him, but I don’t know what. He’s led the good life, he hasn’t had to study much because he’s one of those guys who just flies through life without trying, and I’m pretty sure his dad gives money to the college as well. I’m sure he hasn’t had a bad experience because he’s too loved… maybe it’s a family emergency. I know how I can find out as well. I can call my mom! Even if me and Kade haven’t been friends for a very long time, our parents are so I’ll be able to discover the truth.

Without even waiting for Cindy to say anymore, I rudely grab my cell phone and call my mom. I find myself in such a state of panic that something so big has happened in Kade’s life without me knowing that I feel red raw. Maybe that’s why he was a bit of a dick to me the other day, because he had bad news. No one ever reacts well when they’ve found out something terrible, I certainly can’t blame him!

“Mom!” I almost yell as soon as she answers. “What the hell is going on?”

“Lucie?” She sounds shocked to even hear from me, she sure doesn’t seem to know why. That worried me, but doesn’t bring me down. “What’s going on? Is everything okay? Has something happened?”

I stare up at Cindy who’s giving me a look like I’m a crazy person. Maybe I am, I don’t know anymore. It’s been such a long time since I did anything to act like a normal human being, maybe I’ve forgotten how. I tug my fingers through my matted hair and try to calm down the thumping in my head.

“Oh, I just…” I cough awkwardly. “I heard that Kade left college because of some family emergency.”

“Oh no, everything is fine. I saw his mom yesterday. It must be a mistake. College gossip.”

Her tone is too calm, it’s almost as if she’s trying to hide something from me. What can it possibly be that she doesn’t want me to know? Unless… unless Kade left because of me. Maybe he regrets sleeping with me and I freaked him out by going to his room. Maybe he thought I was going to end up as some kind of bunny boiler, stalker type. He’s the sort of lad who has bound to have been through that before. Maybe he didn’t want to hurt me so much because of our friendship in the past so much that he actually left to escape me.

It’s far fetched, maybe, but I can’t think of anything else that my mom would want to keep from me. And now I’ve just made it a million times worse by calling her in a fit of hysteria. Maybe she’ll go and tell Kade that he did the right thing by getting away from me. I’ve become a crazy person.

“Oh, right, you must be right.” I force out a weak giggle. “Sorry, I just heard something and I panicked. Not that it matters, it isn’t like we’re friends anymore or anything. I just worried.”

“Kade and the Roberts family will be just fine. Don’t you worry about that, okay?”

I say goodbye and hang up the phone slowly. Cindy is right, I’ve let this change me and in the worst way possible. Kade has gone, he’s possibly left because of me. He will be off doing his own thing and I need to make myself do mine. I’ve pined for too long over the boy who will never want me. How much of my life will I be willing to give him before I fall apart completely? No, I need to find some strength. If he’s going to take on the family business and probably sleep with a string of beautiful women, the least I can do is work.

“Okay, Cindy. I’m going to be strong now. I’m going to start going to classes.”

“Oh, thank goodness.” My best friend sounds very relieved. “I’ll help you in whatever way I can. I know that none of this is going to be easy for you, especially considering how much you cared for him, but just try to see this as a good thing. Whatever has happened, at least you don’t have to see him anymore.”

“That’s true.” Whatever he’s doing, I won’t have to witness it here. College can finally become the safe haven that I always wanted it to be. As long as I avoid the stables and anywhere else that we created memories. Luckily, what we had was so short that we didn’t have too much time. “Yeah, this will be okay.”

“First, shower.” She points me towards the bathroom. “Then, class. After that we’ll go shopping and get you a hair cut. Do all the things that girls do to regain their confidence after a break up. I’ll get Rhiannon to come with us too, that girl has been all kinds of worried about you. She’s the one who told me to tell you.”

Much as it wasn’t a break up since we weren’t actually together, it’s certainly a heart break, so that sounds amazing. I hope that changing my look will help to bring me back up, then I can get back to being me. I might not usually be the shopping, girly type, but right now I want to be anything other than the person I am.

“Sounds good, and I guess I’ll have to thank Rhiannon. I think it’s better that I know.”

“Well, if the idea that you won’t have to see him again gets you out of bed then I’m all for it.”

I’m grateful to have such good friends, it’s good that I don’t have to go through this alone. I don’t think I’d be able to make it out the other side if I did. It’s definitely time for me to start focusing on the positives, because although I’m sad, there are some. Not everyone has that. I’m going to be some version of Lucie Smith again, and not this pitiful version lying in bed wishing I could have him back. For me, it was always love, it has been for as long as I can remember, for him I was just another in the long list of one night stands. Not even important. I’m someone that he didn’t even care enough about to say goodbye to when he left.

Well, even if I don’t think that I’m good enough for him, I deserve to be treated better than that! Maybe I’ve always had him on a pedestal and he hasn’t been that great after all. Hopefully time will tell.

My front is a good one. The choppy, shorter hair cut is good, the way I do my make up these days is nice, my dress sense has improved a lot. I’ve become a much sexier, more confident version of myself in the last two weeks, one that even got asked out on a date the other day, but I don’t feel good. Inside, I’m still a mess. I’m heart broken, sickly, and crumbling to bits. Still, as long as I hold it together, I’ll be fine.

“It’s been a while since we’ve had a study group,” Rhiannon says while darting looks at me. I can tell that she’s still concerned about me, she must be able to see through the façade anyway. “It’s fun and I’m glad we changed to location to the library. It’s much easier to get some work done here.”

We changed it because of me and the first time I saw Kade again. I know it and so do the other girls. But they’re tiptoeing around me as if they’re frightened of sending me back to bed. They don’t need to be, I won’t go back to that place. However challenging it is, I will keep passing forward.

“I miss the drinks though,” I attempt a joke. “Bottled water isn’t quite the same.”

Cindy and Rhiannon stare at each other before bursting into laughter. It’s so false it hurts. It actually makes me feel sick to think that they can be this way with me. I’m their friend, still the same person. Sort of.

“Girls, come on.” I grow tired of it. I have to address them. “I’m okay now, we can talk like normal people, I’m not going to fall apart. I know it’s been a rough patch for me, but I really am okay. I would just prefer it if you started treating me like myself again. All this being kind is weird. I don’t like it.”

They both pause, looking guilty, which isn’t what I wanted at all. I smile, trying to let them see that what I said was the truth – even if it was a crock of shit – and thankfully, they seem to decide to go with it.

“We should go to the movies,” I say on impulse, wanting to make up for the lie I once told to go and hang out with the boy who would ultimately destroy me. Maybe I can pretend that this is still that night and I blew him off so none of this happened. “My treat. I’ll even get you both some popcorn.”

“I’m not going to say no to that!” Rhiannon replies excitedly. “Let’s get this done then go.”

We get back to work, each of us happy in our own way. My way might be false, but at least it isn’t nothing. Right now, I have to take all the victories that I can and this will do as one. I might not have full control of my life again, but it’s a start. Slowly but surely, I’m erasing Kade Roberts.