“I got bananas and juice. Or do you want to go to dinner.” Brian tried to make his voice sound normal. He’d been taken off guard by the way Zack looked at him when he came in. As if he’d just seen a ghost or something. He walked past the towel buddy and started unloading the few items he’d picked up. One small bag containing things he wasn’t sure he wanted Zack to know about.

“I’m not hungry right now, lunch wasn’t that long ago.” Zack sounded strange. Maybe he was just tired. Brian felt the last twenty-four hours catch up with him. He wanted a nap. A long nap.

“Yeah, this is true. I’m still in the wrong time zone. Hell, I don’t even know what time zone we’re in. I’m still on Pacific and I haven’t slept in… hell, I don’t even know.” He was rambling because he was nervous as fuck. “Here, catch.” He tossed one of the fresh bananas to his friend. He poured bottled water over ice and carried the glasses over to where Zack sprawled in the chair with the last rays of the setting sun turning his body a golden hue that took Brian’s breath away.

“When were you going to tell me?” Zack caught him by surprise with the question. Brian understood the look now. They’d avoided this all day and Brian had hoped they could keep on avoiding this. He held the camera out for Brian to see the photo one of the ladies on the bus had taken of them while Zack had dozed on his shoulder.

“Oh, that. I guess I should have asked if it was okay, you know, for her to take our picture.” He could hear his voice go higher pitched like it usually did when he was panicking.

“That’s not what I meant, Brian,” Zack said softly as the glow of the sun left them with nothing but the light of one lamp. Zack reached for him, catching his wrist. “When were you going to tell me that you’re—”

“I wasn’t. Ever.” Brian swallowed hard. He hated knowing that their relationship had changed and there was nothing he could do about it now.

“You were just going to let me marry her without ever telling me how you feel? That’s not fair,” Zack said, there was hurt in his voice.

“Would it have mattered how I felt?” Brian argued, until the gist of that comment settled into his brain. “Wait, would it have mattered?”

“Are you in love with me?” Zack asked him from the shadows. Brian could hear confusion and maybe something more in his voice.

“Yes.” Brian tried to pull his hand away, but Zack held on to him. He pulled and Brian stumbled over Zack’s feet. He fell onto his friend, bananas and water, forgotten. There was silence between them. Zack’s breathing the only sound he heard over the thudding of his own heart. “Do you love Ronnie?” He wouldn’t ask if Zack could possibly love him in return. He just needed to know if his friend was in love with his sister.

“No,” Zack said and Brian could hear regret in his voice. “I’m… no. I didn’t love her.”

“But you were going to marry her.” Brian never understood why the two of them were together. But they never were together. Not really. “Why?”

Zack shifted in the chair, allowing Brian to straddle his lap. He didn’t release Brian’s wrist as Brian settled his knees into the seat. He looked up into Brian’s eyes, the dim light barely enough to see the pain in his gaze. “I didn’t think anyone else would have me.”

“Oh, baby,” Brian whispered, anger welling in his soul, at what his sister had done to this man. “How can anyone not want you?”

He wiped the damp trail from Zack’s cheek and lowered his mouth to kiss the salt tang of tears. Zack whimpered at the first lick of his tongue across his lips, but he opened his mouth and allowed Brian to deepen the kiss. Zack wrapped his arms around Brian’s waist and pulled him flush to his body. He wasn’t aroused. Neither was Brian, yet. Fuck, Zack could kiss. Brian lost himself to his friend. His brain short circuiting.

“Okay, no, okay.” Brian was the one who broke the kiss this time. He climbed out of Zack’s lap and put distance between them. “This is wrong, not like this. Not with you confused. And… and… I’m gay, Zack, and yes, I’ve been in love with you since as far back as I can remember. But… but I can’t be… fuck… fuck.”

He could be. That was the problem. He’d take one time with Zack if that was all he could ever have.

He forgot what his argument was. Zack didn’t argue back. Brian went over to the light switch and turned on enough lights to illuminate the entire suite. Zack sat unmoving in the chair, his head thrown back on the seat, he stared up at the ceiling. There were no words to fix this. His friend was hurting and confused and if he acted on his feelings he’d be taking advantage of Zack’s vulnerable state of mind.

He needed a shower to wash off the sweat from the trek through the jungle. He needed to sleep. He needed to get wasted. He needed to go home. “I shouldn’t have come on this cruise,” he said finally.

“That makes two of us.” Zack’s voice was choked with tears. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I thought I had it all figured out. I found a house not far from your family home. I thought she’d like it so I bought it. I guess maybe the fact that we never discussed exactly where we would live after the wedding should have been my first clue. I didn’t tell her about the house. Maybe that’s something. Maybe I knew it would never happen. She can keep the ring. I don’t want it back.”

“Why are you saying all this now?” Why did it bother Brian that Zack could only talk about her? What about them?

“I was hoping to get the residency at the hospital nearest Buckhead. I wanted to be nearby when…” he stopped talking and Brian looked at him finally. His arms and legs were red from the sun, he had a new tan line where his socks had covered his ankles. His shirt was sweat stained and rumpled from the humidity, and Brian’s hands. Besides all that he was the same old Zack. Grieving, but still Zack.

“When what?” Brian had to ask. He had to know what it was that Zack hadn’t wanted to tell.

Zack looked over at him, leveling a cold, blue, angry gaze upon him. “When you came home. I wanted to be near your family so I could pretend I still had what I had when we were growing up. But you never come home. Not anymore.”

Because you were marrying her. The thought slammed into his brain like the force of an atom bomb and he hated himself for thinking it.

He snatched his shirt over his head and kicked his shoes off. He was angry and he had no idea why. “I’m going to shower and go out for the evening,” Brian said because he was an asshole.

He took the small paper bag into the bathroom with him and closed the door. He’d get off the ship at the next port. He didn’t know how he was going to afford to get back home. He’d call his dad and ask for a loan. Something. Right now, all he was doing was causing more hurt and he didn’t know how to stop himself.

“That is probably for the best,” he heard Zack say before he turned on the shower. He knew he’d be showering alone and didn’t that just fucking suck. “Maybe you should go find that Gary guy. Maybe he can give you something I can’t.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” Brian shouted as he opened the door and stuck his head out into the room. Zack was still exactly where he’d left him, sprawled in the chair, staring up at the ceiling. He swallowed hard, but didn’t look over at Brian. “I didn’t go off with him last night. I am not interested in that guy.”

“Well, that’s nice to know, I’m sure there’s another guy somewhere on this ship… how the fuck long have you known you were gay?” he finally asked. “I mean, even back when we were first exploring our bodies… fuck, you were… because of me?”

“Not because of you, but yeah, because of you. I guess.” Brian didn’t want to argue. He didn’t want to go find another guy when he had the only guy he wanted right here. “How is it you’re still a virgin with everything we’ve done together?”

“Are you a virgin?” Zack countered his question. “And not because we gave each other bro-jobs since we were twelve or thirteen or whenever we started that shit. Because you put your dick in someone, not a virgin, as in, lost it. Because I haven’t… put my dick in someone… because no one would let me. Not even you. Does that make me the most pathetic fucker on the planet? I can’t even get a gay dude.”

“You have no… what the fuck are you even yelling at me about? Because I let someone fuck me? You were dating my fucking sister. I thought you were straight. I thought you were fucking her. I didn’t want to make our… well, it’s always been weird, hasn’t it? Us? What we have?” Brian ran his hands through his hair as he paced in and out of the bathroom. “Do you want to fuck me? Is that it? Is that what you’re pissed about because right now I don’t know why we’re fighting? Yes, I’m gay. I’m trying to not… I don’t… you just broke up with… I don’t want to hurt you, Zack.”

“Well, I am hurting and I don’t even know why,” Zack shouted back at him. “I want to fuck you. Yes. Or you can me… just stop fucking yelling at me and tell me no.”

Brian clawed his scalp. He screeched. The sound coming back to his ears like one of those birds they’d passed on the way back. A horrible sound that made him laugh. Zack, looked at him as if he’d lost his damned mind. Maybe he had. “You want to fuck? Okay. Sure. Let’s fuck. Works for me. Take your fucking clothes off.”

Brian didn’t wait for Zack to change his mind. He went back into the bathroom and dropped his shorts and briefs and grabbed the paper bag. He walked back out swinging the bag between the tips of his fingers. Zack was right where he’d left him. And he was still dressed. He looked surprised. Or terrified. “I thought you were kidding.” Zack fumbled for the top button on his shirt, his hands trembling.

“I don’t kid about sex,” Brian said, feeling oddly deflated. He’d been angry for no fucking reason. “Zack…” he didn’t know what he wanted to say. His friend looked unsure. “I want you, I’ve always wanted you. But I don’t want to feel like you’re doing this because… because…” he had to stop to find the right words. “I don’t want to be just someone you fucked because I don’t think our friendship could survive that. That’s why I’ve never pushed you into anything. That’s why I never told you how I feel. Because I want you to choose who you want to be with. If that person is not me, then I’d prefer we didn’t. I don’t want to lose you, Zackie. Not because of sex.”

Zack nodded. He stopped trying to unbutton his shirt. He stared up at Brian for a long moment. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m being a dick.”

“Yeah, you were. And so was I. I’m sorry too.” Brian forgot he was naked and climbed back into the seat with Zack. Straddling his legs. As if that was the most natural thing in the world and they’d done it a million times. They hadn’t. Not until this trip and he couldn’t seem to stop wanting to be in Zack’s lap, like some smitten kitten.

The ship lurched and Brian fell onto Zack’s broad chest. He caught himself on the back of the seat and Zack smiled. “You know, this is suddenly awkward,” he said and Brian smiled back. “You do know you’re naked, right?”

“Yeah.” Brian tried to think why he was naked and why this was not a good idea. “I think I’m turned on too.”

Zack’s smile changed from sweet and charming to almost predatory. Brian gasped when hot fingers wrapped around his dick. “Looks that way.”

“Zack,” he whispered, leaning over his friend until their noses were a fraction of an inch from touching. “I want you so much.”

Zack closed the distance between them. His lips so soft and warm when he kissed Brian. There were no words, just sweet kisses as Mexico moved past their balcony. Brian fumbled with the buttons on Zack’s shirt, he needed skin. He needed to touch and be touched. He needed Zack’s hands on him in the worst way. “What’s in the bag?” Zack whispered against his lips as Brian finally got his shirt open. Zack’s big hand on his dick had him panting with the need to come. Already.

“Condoms, lube, stuff,” Brian answered between gasps for breath. “Fuck, Zack, I’m close. I need you naked. I need to be naked with you.”

Zack let him go and Brian rolled out of his lap and onto the floor. He gripped his friend’s thighs for support. Zack’s chest heaved as if he’d been the one having his dick stroked. He was hard behind his shorts. His long dick bulging over his hip and Brian wanted it in his mouth. He tore at the button on Zack’s shorts. Zack lifted his hips, helping Brian strip him. “Do you?” He sounded shy and unsure. “Do you, I mean have you, would you? Oh, fuck, Brian, I don’t know how to ask this?”

Brian didn’t need him to ask. He skimmed his hands up Zack’s thighs and leaning over him, Brian buried his nose in Zack’s groin. He smelled of sweat and Zack. He didn’t touch his dick. He wasn’t ready to go that far yet. He wanted to take his time. He wanted to do this right. If he was going to seduce his best friend, he wanted them both to walk away with no regrets. “You smell so good. I’ve always wanted to do this.”

He heard Zack suck in a strangled gasp. His body went tense for a moment before he relaxed and after a moment, Brian felt Zack’s fingers gently settle on the back of his head. “Please,” he said softly. He seemed to be holding his breath. Brian didn’t know why. They’d touched each other so many times. They’d even kissed.

He groaned and pushed Zack’s thighs wider apart to stroke the insides of his thighs, gently, letting his fingers tangle in the sparse hairs he found along the way. Zack was hairy. Not too hairy. Just right hairy. His legs were lightly furred with fine hair. His groin a nest of golden curls. God.

Brian dragged his fingers to the tops of Zack’s thighs and pulled his body up until he was draped over Zack’s legs. He still couldn’t look at his friend. He feared he’d lose his chance if he made eye contact. He buried his nose in Zack’s belly button and licked the patch of hair that trailed down his belly to his groin while he stroked between Zack’s thighs. The very tip of Zack’s dick lay just off to the side of his belly button. He tried to ignore it. He couldn’t. He could smell Zack’s arousal. He could feel the heat emanating from him. So much heat. He smelled tropical. God, Brian could drown in his scent.

“Brian,” Zack whispered, his voice sounding almost pained.

Brian took that as permission to proceed. He looked up to find Zack gazing down at him with heavy-lidded eyes, his mouth slack, his breathing labored. He whispered Brian’s name again and lightly pushed Brian’s hair from his forehead.

Brian whimpered. God, he wanted this man. He wanted to make this special. Their first time. Unlike all the times before when they’d jacked each other, this was different. This was real. He licked the very tip of Zack’s dick, slowly, letting his tongue trail over the silky skin. The taste of him sent a jolt of pure pleasure through Brian’s body. He’d never tasted Zack before.

It was Zack’s turn to whimper. His eyes grew heavier, his breathing shallow. He dragged his fingers through Brian’s hair, softly at first as if he were afraid to touch him, then rougher as Brian slipped his tongue into the slit to taste more of him.

“God, Brian,” he whispered, his voice fading out as Brian closed his lips over the very tip and sucked as he licked. “Brian!” Zack’s whole body went rigid. He grabbed Brian’s head with both hands and held on. Brian watched him, their gazes locked, as he lowered his mouth over the head and sucked him slowly down his throat. “Brian,” Zack whispered, again and again, his fingers nearly crushing Brian’s skull. “I’m going to come,” he cried out sounding embarrassed.

Brian wasn’t going to be far behind him and no one was sucking on his dick. He reached up and took one of Zack’s hands in his, and squeezed. Zack twined their fingers together and groaned as his body convulsed. Brian sucked him hard, letting his throbbing dick work deeper into his throat before pulling off to suck him back in again. The first splash of cum hit his tongue and Brian moaned around his friend’s dick. He tasted so good. So fucking good. Zack squeezed his fingers and shoved his dick deeper into Brian’s mouth, his whispered cries becoming louder.

Electricity sparked along Brian’s spine as Zack’s dick throbbed in his mouth. He felt Zack pull his hair as he tried to push himself deeper into Brian’s mouth. His thighs trembling as he wrapped his legs around Brian as if driven by instinct. Brian closed his eyes and forced his body to relax. His body had other ideas. He came hard as Zack shivered out the last of his own orgasm. Zack must have sensed his distress. He squeezed his fingers and whispered soft words telling him it was good. “So fucking good.”