The night air was cool with a hint of humidity that smelled of salt and flowers. Brian had forgotten how much he loved a warm, humid night. He walked with Zack along the busy streets where the cars drove on the wrong side and there was always the sound of kettle drums in the distance. This was a thriving city, as well as a major tourist destination, reminded him a bit of New Orleans in a way. Except for the sugar white beaches within walking distance. But just like New Orleans, the shops sold everything from junky trinkets to diamonds.

They didn’t shop for family this time. Brian had picked up something for his older sisters and his mom, he wasn’t going to bother with anything else. He had no idea who Zack was buying gifts for. He didn’t ask. Maybe he should ask. Now was not the time. Not when he still felt him, all over.

“You’re quiet,” Zack said after a dinner of conch chowder and whatever else was set on the table in front of them. He hadn’t paid attention to the food, he wasn’t a picky eater. He tried everything on the table and washed it down with beer. Maybe he shouldn’t be drinking. Maybe he shouldn’t be thinking about what happened in the tub. Maybe he shouldn’t wonder if it had changed things.

“I’m full, and sated, and…” Brian shrugged, his mind sluggish. He reached for Zack’s hand and held it for a moment before letting him go. “Don’t know… maybe this is what happy feels like.”

Zack didn’t seem to notice that he’d even held his hand in public. Brian wondered what he was thinking. He sure as hell wasn’t ready to ask. They’d fucked. Actually done the deed. And it was all that he’d ever imagined it would be. Maybe in his fantasies, he would be the one doing the fucking the first time. But this way was perfect.

“Maybe,” Zack replied quietly. He didn’t sound happy. He sounded… guilty. Like they’d done something wrong. “What’s on our itinerary for tomorrow?”

Brian hadn’t expected the shift in topic. He didn’t have an answer. “I didn’t schedule anything. Did you want me to schedule something? I didn’t schedule anything in Key West either. I thought we’d just take it easy the last couple of days and play it all by ear.”

Zack gave him a look he couldn’t decipher. His nose wrinkled up, the wrinkle moving to his forehead. He looked aggravated. “We’re in the Keys a whole hour or so. What the hell can you do in an hour?”

“It’s more than an hour. The ship sails at two. But I get your point.” Brian stopped walking and turned to peer into the nearest shop window. Not that he was interested in buying anything. He was broke as fuck, even his credit cards were complaining. And he still had to buy a ticket back to California. He simply had no idea how to stop being awkward with Zack.

Zack didn’t offer a suggestion for their next couple of days. Instead, he stopped in front of the brightly lit store next door and stared almost absently into that window.

Brian walked over to see what was so interesting. Books. Of course. It wasn’t a book store exactly, but there were books and music and lots of Marley merchandise on display, which seemed strange to Brian. “Wasn’t Bob Marley from Jamaica?”

“Don’t know. I think so. He died before we were born,” Zack replied absently and pulled the door open. He went inside straight to a display of hardcover books. Brian found a wall of rum. He wanted to live in a world that sold rum with the pulp fiction. He grabbed two huge bottles and an infinity scarf with flamingos on it. He needed that to go with his shirt. He needed to find something for his dad. “Hey, they have Maui Jims. Love these glasses.”

Brian sidled up to him at the sunglass rack where they stocked the Maui Jims and the Ray Bans next to the Foster Grants. “Could be knock offs.”

“Probably.” Zack tried on a pair and looked around the room. “Seems about the same quality as mine. Cost a fucking fortune in the ATL.” He flipped the tag up and whistled.

“That bad, huh?” Brian figured it was still expensive as fuck but he took a pair and tried them on anyway. They felt heavenly on his face. Good quality plastic and metal. The lenses seemed good. He took them off and blinked at the price. “Is that US dollars?”

“It’s the same either way.” Zack laughed and plucked the glasses from Brian’s face. He held them up. “These look good on you,” he said not looking at the tag. “Do you like them?”

“Yeah, sure, and about three other pairs. Doesn’t matter, even at a discount I still can’t afford them.” Brian wasn’t going to be “that guy”. He wasn’t going to let the man he was fucking buy him shit. Not even if the man was Zack.

“You spent money you didn’t have to fly to Texas to take this trip. You spent extra to change the cruise ticket to your name. And you’ll have to buy another ticket to go home. So… if I want to buy you something, I damn well will. Now shut up and pick a pair or two.”

“You paid for meals and drinks and everything since I came on board,” Brian was going to argue anyway.

“I bought tacos in Mexico and lunch and dinner today. Everything else was picked up by someone else or part of the tickets. The drinks, yeah, those are gonna kick ass. We’ve both been drinking like alcoholic fish.” He plucked a pair of glasses off the rack that looked almost exactly like the pair he already had. Brian looked at the pair in his hands. They were the same, just a different color. He found a second pair and handed them over to Zack to put in the bag he picked up at the door. It was loaded with books and things Brian hadn’t seen him pick out.

“I’ll get lunch tomorrow,” he said following Zack through the store to the wall of t-shirts. Tons of t-shirts. All mostly surf shirts. Brian whimpered. “I’ll put back the glasses if I can go crazy here.”

Zack looked at the prices and didn’t flinch. “Pick me a few. I need some more shorts. Wonder if they have those? They seem to have everything else.”

“This is just a tourist trap. We passed by several stores with good clothing in the windows. We can go back. And you need new…” Brian waved his hand over Zack like he was trying to erase the mix and match stuff he’d bought on the ship. “Everything. You need nicer clothes, Doctor Sorensen.”

“And you dress like a beach bum, Mister O’Daly.” Zack did the same hand movement back at him, smiling as he cut him down. Brian winced. He couldn’t help it. He hadn’t heard his own last name in a couple of days, it was almost a shock to hear it now. He’d gotten used to Mister Sorensen.

“Guilty as charged.” He didn’t mind the dig. He couldn’t shake the other part. “Go browse. Grab some more magazines. I’m going bonkers on that ship. Maybe some snacks that don’t cost an arm and a leg. Let me work here.”

Zack looked at him, the smile gone now. They were being awkward again. This being awkward after sex business was getting seriously old.

“Yeah, okay. I’m going to browse. The shop keeper is giving us the hurry the fuck up look. Must be getting close to closing time. So… hurry the fuck up.”

“Hurrying. Go get magazines. Be useful.” Brian waved him away and sorted through the stacks of shirts that caught his eye. He finally picked a bunch in three different sizes and met Zack at the counter.

“Think you got enough?” Zack said, the smile back in his eyes.

“It’s either this or we do laundry. I ran out of clean shirts yesterday.” The lady smiled at them despite the closed sign that now hung on the door. She hadn’t rushed them, probably because they were stuffing the tote bag full of overpriced crap to take back to the states. Her accent was melodic and cheerful as she took Zack’s American dollars and added another one of the totes to carry the liquor in. She wished them a good night and locked the door behind them.

They weren’t alone on the street, but it was late and most of the shops were closing. “So, what’s next, big spender?” Brian asked when they set off again. He yawned and Zack laughed at him.

“Back to the hotel and maybe bed?” Zack suggested almost shyly. Almost as if he’d been avoiding the topic as they meandered around the town.

“It’s still early, not even nine yet. Certainly, early by my standards.”

“Well, we were up before the sun this morning, and…” he paused long enough to take a deep breath before he let the words fall out in a jumble, “Maybe we don’t have to actually go to bed… to go to bed.”

Brian hefted the bag full of rum and t-shirts over his shoulder and hooked his arm through Zack’s. “Are you saying you want to go back to the room for some S-E-X?” he said just to see if Zack would blush. He wasn’t disappointed.

“No,” Zack said flatly as he looked around at the people passing them. No one paid them any attention. “I don’t know. Don’t make this weird.”

“I’m not making this weird. How am I making this weird?” He could see the Spanish tile roof of their hotel looming over the street ahead. They weren’t that far away. The moon hung in the night sky not far beyond it. He could make out the faint dotting of stars in the sky.

“I don’t know… we… had sex, okay. Real sex. I don’t know what to say right now, okay. And I’m tired. Really tired. I could probably sleep until noon tomorrow and still be tired. And I don’t want to get back on that ship either. But I’m not complaining about it.” He walked faster now that the hotel was in view. Brian had to jog to keep up. “And… I’m starving. We just ate and I’m still hungry. I’m trying not to put back on the weight and I’m hungry.”

“Because you pick at your food. And you’re not fat. Stop worrying about your weight. I’m not her. I’m not shallow. I don’t care about looks. And your looks are fine. Have always been fine.” Brian wanted to slap him. He was so damned sick of the same song and dance from him.

“Then why did you buy me double-extra-large shirts?” Zack turned to him, hurt in his gaze.

“What?” He had no idea what he was talking about… “ooh, those. Oh, no, well, okay those shirts looked damned small, so I bought bigger sizes because I don’t think a large will fit me. And you’re just a little taller than me. I got the double exes for a friend. I should have asked first. I’ll pay you for those.”

Zack glared at him for a minute before looking up at the sky. “Let’s get off in Key West. I don’t think I can handle another two nights and a whole day out at sea without going fucking ballistic.”

“Get off?” Brian wasn’t following. “The ship? Do you want to leave the ship in the Keys? And not continue on to Galveston? Okay. Yes. Absolutely. I can do that.”

Zack didn’t look relieved. He looked exactly as he said. Tired. He started walking toward the hotel at a faster pace, forcing Brian to hurry to keep up. It wasn’t late. There were plenty of places to go. So many bars and party spots and there was something going on down at the beach behind the hotel. They could do so much more with this night. Instead, they were heading in early and Brian was jogging to keep up. Because he might get laid. Again.

“This trip was a mistake.” Zack stopped in the lobby to catch his breath. He looked slightly panicky when Brian caught up. “Why in the hell did I agree to ten days on a cruise? Why didn’t we just fly to Hawaii or Paris or something for a few days and we would have been back home… and the house. What am I going to do about the house? I can’t live there now. I won’t live there now.”

“Are we talking about Ronnie now?” Because his fucking sister had to come in and mess this all up. Why did he keep bringing up Ronnie? “Are you that fucking gone on her that she’s all that matters?”

They were at the elevator waiting for it to arrive. He was tired and the post sex glow was wearing off. Fast. By the sound of it, there wouldn’t be anymore. And… Jesus, he hated his goddamned sister.

Zack blinked at him. He looked even more panicky now than he did in the lobby. Like he was about to have a full-blown panic attack. Brian didn’t know Zack had panic attacks, he’d never seen him have one at any rate. “I’m not talking about your sister. I’m talking about me. Right now. I’m talking about the stupid ass mistakes I keep making with the wrong people. I’m talking about how I spent too much money to go on a trip, that I didn’t want to take, with a person I haven’t spent more than a couple of hours with at a time… for ten days. And I bought a house down the street from yours because… I don’t know why. I could have just called you up and we could have… spent ten days…” He flung his hands up in the air. The tote bag dropping to the floor just as the elevator opened and people spilled out.

Brian bent down for the tote bag at the same time Zack did. They bumped heads. Brian didn’t yell “ow”, he jumped up to grab the elevator before it closed and dragged Zack inside. “You could have come to California and we could have been naked for ten days and it would have been just like old times.”

Zack whimpered, the sound scared the shit out of Brian. “Okay. Okay. It’s too soon. We don’t have to be naked together. It’s not a requirement.” Zack started shaking and wringing his hands. He slumped against the wall. His breathing labored. “Okay, Zack. It’s okay. Two more floors. Stay with me, okay. Just two more floors. One more. We’re almost there.”

The doors dinged and slid open. Brian had Zack by the elbow. He pulled him out of the elevator and along the corridor to their room. He had the card in the door before he could think twice. They’d had sex. Real sex. He was surprised it took this long for the regrets to start. He took the tote bags and dropped them both on the floor and propelled Zack into their room toward a chair. “Sit,” he ordered, pushing Zack into the same velvet armchair he’d sat in that morning. Zack sat. He didn’t stop shaking, but he sat. Brian started on his shirt, unbuttoning and tugging and pulling until he had it off. He moved to his shoes.  Zack was red. Not in a good way. “Put your head between your knees.” He reached for the button and zipper on Zack’s pants and undid them. That’s it. That’s all. He bent Zack over and took Zack’s hands and placed them on the back of his neck. “Breathe. Just breathe, okay, baby. Just breathe. I’m getting some water. You’re okay.”

“Shut up,” Zack wheezed at him. “You’re making it worse. Just shut up and let me work through it.”

“Okay, fine, no water. Have a heart attack for all I care.” Brian flounced into the matching chair and kicked his shoes off, one flew across the room to land near the bed. There wasn’t a damned cutesy towel animal sitting there waiting for them. The bed had been turned down on both sides and a plate of chocolate mints perched on both pillows. There was another bottle of champagne in a bucket of ice on the buffet. Their clothes from this morning were nowhere to be seen. He leaned back in the chair and rubbed his temples.

Zack’s breathing grew less labored. The room was chilled from the air conditioning. Brian shivered. He wasn’t about to have a panic attack, but he wasn’t doing okay. He’d never had a lover have a fucking panic attack after sex. Didn’t help that it was the only lover that mattered.

“It’s not about the sex.” Brian jumped when Zack spoke. He hadn’t expected it. He wasn’t ready to hear it. He wasn’t ready to talk about it. “Water. Okay. Yeah. That would be good… Please.”

Brian went to the fridge and got two bottles. He cracked the lid open on one and handed it to Zack. Zack had color back in his face when he sat up. He still leaned over his knees just not all the way over. He breathed easier. His eyes didn’t look as wild now. “It’s not about the sex,” he said again after taking a long drink from the bottle.

Brian pulled his chair around to face Zack. They were close enough that Brian could put his feet in Zack’s lap. He chose not to touch him yet. Just in case Zack was lying about the sex. Or confused. He didn’t think Zack was lying. He didn’t know what he thought. He sure as hell didn’t know what to think about it and he’d had anal before. Pitched and received. “Then what? That wasn’t just some little freak-out, man. I’ve never seen you like that before and I was with you when you found out your parents had died. So… just tell me what you can.”

“I don’t know.” He started, giving Brian a look that said he wasn’t going to talk about this no matter what. He was pulling in and shutting Brian out. Like he did when they were growing up. After every time they’d had sex back then. After every time it got too real for him. “Stop looking at me like that. I don’t know. Maybe it was the sex. I don’t know. Maybe that’s just a symptom of what it was. We had sex. We fucked. As in… I ejaculated in your asshole, Brian. We had unprotected sex. Me and you. And my life is shit right now. I don’t want to think I’m rebounding from…” he waved in the air instead of saying the name neither of them wanted to hear. “I really don’t think about it. Then I start to wonder what happened and what this past week would have been like and if there would have been sex. Or… I don’t know where I’m going to be next week. I might not even get a residency. That’s happened. What if I wasted a quarter of a million dollars and I will never be allowed to practice medicine? And then I wonder, what if I am allowed to practice medicine? What if I kill someone? What if I’m in love with you? What if I’ve been living this huge fucking lie and I should have gone to truck driving school instead of college? Stop fucking laughing at me.”

Brian snorted. Snot came out his nose. He rolled in the chair until he was on his knees, lying face down in the seat. He couldn’t help it. It was wrong and he was a dick, but he couldn’t help it. Until his brain caught up and he sat up in the chair again. “Wait… did you say you’re in love with me?”

Zack blushed and looked away. “I don’t know. I just don’t know. I love you. I’ve always loved you. Is this what it feels like to be in love with someone? Like you’re going to throw up one minute and die if you lose them the next minute.”

“Pretty sure that’s not what love feels like,” he said and swirled the last of his water. He felt like he’d been sucker punched in the gut. “That’s guilt, Zack.”

Zack nodded and stared down at the floor. “That’s what I was afraid of.” He left the water bottle on the side table and went to the bathroom. A few minutes later Brian heard the shower start. He didn’t know why Zack needed a shower. They hadn’t gotten sweaty or anything in the three or four hours since their bath, but he left him to it.

He went to the door and shouted inside, “I’m going to order room service. I don’t know what they have. What would you like if they have it?”

“A cheeseburger. And fries. And a fucking milkshake. I’ll settle for a steak if they don’t have that. Whatever. Surprise me.” Zack shouted back. He didn’t invite him to join him. Brian leaned against the wall and pounded his forehead against the brocade wallpaper. He went to the phone and called up room service and then went and opened the balcony doors. He wanted to sit outside and listen to the music on the beach and look up at the stars.

He breathed in the warm night air. He loved the scent of salt in the air. He loved humidity and the scent of flowers. Sometimes he missed home more than he could ever have imagined. But home didn’t have salt in the air. Atlanta wasn’t home. It never really had been home. It took Zack leaving when his parents died for Brian to know what homesick felt like. Zack had made home bearable. And he’d lost him. He was still losing him.

And there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it.

Not one damned thing.