Jeremy
The week leading up to Christmas was a juggle and a half. With Austin out of school and everyone wanting to have a fucking holiday party, I was aching to spend time with Bailey. She seemed to be having the same craziness in her own world. I needed our lives blended sooner rather than later. I wanted her beside me.
"What's up, man? Merry Christmas Eve!" Rhys's voice filled up my ear as I pressed the phone to it and paced out in front of the fire station.
"Hey. Yeah, you too man. Everything going okay down there? I heard you guys were having some serious-ass weather." I glanced up toward the sky and took a deep breath in. The cold felt good against my face after a hot shower.
"Oh yeah. How's everything there? My sister doing okay? You're being good to her right, man? Hate to have to fuck you up. You're one of my only friends."
I chuckled and glanced down at the snow. "You are my only friend."
"I take that as a yes?"
"Yeah. She's doing so good." I turned toward the firehouse and ran my hand down my face.
"What's wrong?"
"I'm in love with her, Rhys. Like, I got that shit bad."
"And you're sure It's not a rebound, cause maybe with you not letting anyone in over the last two years, your emotions are just high strung from not being used. You know what I'm saying?"
I nodded as if the fucker could see me. "Yes. I understand, and I've been trying to figure that out. I want her with me all the time. I'm so smitten with her it's a little sickening."
He laughed. "She's a really good woman, Jer. Just like Laila was."
Laila. The sound of her name on Rhys's lips would have caused me to almost double over in pain a few months back, but now it was a dull ache.
"Do you think," I paused and turned back to the street as my heart hammered in my chest, "Do you think that it would be okay to move past mourning? It's been two years."
"It's been two fucking years. Do you hear yourself?"
I took a deep breath. "Dude. You know what she meant to me. I built my world around her. She was the air I breathed, my life, my joy, my everything."
"And she's gone, man. And you're still here. And you're so fucking strong." I could hear him choking up. My eyes filled with tears. "You can do this, Jeremy. Move on. Say goodbye and move on. You ain't ever gotta forget. You hear me."
I nodded again as I pressed my fingers to my eyes. "But it's time."
He sniffled. "Yeah, man. It's time. Go say goodbye. You want me to fly my fat ass down there, and we'll do it together?"
I laughed as a sob crept up my chest. "No. I'm ready. I just needed someone to tell me it was alright to do it."
"Well, you non-leader mother fucker... it's time to do it."
"I follow Jesus and Tony Robbins, man. That's about all I got in the follower category."
He laughed. "I know that. I'm just picking on you. Take care of it and then wrap your life around my sister's. She's gonna love you more than any other woman ever would. You've been her Laila for a long time, Jer."
He was right. I wasn't telling him that he was right, but he was.
"Merry Christmas, brother." I listened to him repeat it and dropped the call. A quick text to Bailey to make sure I was going home to her later that night and I was on my bike, headed toward the cemetery.
I took the long way, going fast on the straight-away and slowing down on the curves. I had so much to live for again. My sweet little guy who would grow up into a strong man that loved as deeply as I did, and my girl. My woman. My soon to be everything.
Marry me.
It wouldn't be long until I asked her. I couldn't hold back now that I knew. I wasn't interested in a long, pseudo courtship. I wanted her coffee mug next to mine by the sink and her toothbrush in the holder beside mine. I wanted her shit all over the house, her panties on my floor and her warm, soft body to wake up next to each morning.
I needed to hear her whisper my name in the dead of night when she had a nightmare and to feel her hips thrust forward as I pressed my erection against her perfect ass before the sun came up.
No fucking way I was waiting and biding my time for those things. She loved me already, and I was completely lost to her. There were only a few things left to do before I bought a ring.
Talk to her dad.
Talk to my mom.
Say goodbye to my Laila.
I turned into the cemetery and parked by the church seeing that there were no direct paths to the gravestones. The snow was thick and a little higher than ankle deep, but I had on big shit-kicker boots. There was nothing to worry about.
My phone buzzed, and I pulled it out to see Nina had texted me. But it wasn't Nina.
Nina: Daddy. It's Austin.
I laughed. Who else would call me daddy from Nina's phone?
Me: Hey buddy. I'm heading home soon. Bailey is coming over, and then we'll probably go see Granny for a little while tonight.
Nina/Austin: Ok, but it's Christmas Eve. We gotta get milk out and cookies made. Is there time, or should you stop and get cookies? I'm not sure if Santa likes the stuff from the store. Does he?
Me: He's Santa. He eats all cookies and drinks all milk, but I should be home in time to make cookies.
Nina/Austin: Good. Sugar cookies are his favorite. With white icing and red hots. Get the stuff before you get home, and we'll make them together.
Me: How do you know that's his favorite?
I held my breath as I walked to Laila's grave. Had Austin figured out that I was Santa? Fuck. I hoped not. He was growing up too fast as it were.
Nina/Austin: Duh. He eats every bit of them and licks up the crumbs.
I laughed hard and responded that I'd get the stuff. After tucking my phone back into my pocket, I knelt in front of the tombstone that I'd shed so many tears over. Running my hand over the top, I sucked in the icy air around me.
"Laila. It's me." I smiled and glanced up toward the heavens. "I wish you were here, baby. You'd love how sassy Austin is. He reminds me more and more of you each day."
I waited for the tears, but they didn't come. I was forever grateful for the sense of peace and rightness over the moment.
"We got him a tree this year. It was my girlfriend's idea." I took a shaky breath and gripped the tombstone. "I gotta let you go now, baby. It's been a long two years of looking everywhere for you, but Rhys is right. You're not coming back. Austin and I will see you again one day. I know we will, baby. But until then, I have to move on, and I found someone that Austin likes, and I love. I think you'd love her too. It's Rhys's little sister, Bailey. She's got a good heart. She's going to take care of us both, me and Austin."
Tears pooled in my eyes as I stood up.
"I love you. I'll always love you. I just have to learn how to love me again too." I stood there for a long time letting the icy wind of winter slam against me. I expected a breakdown or something more than the few tears that dripped down my cheeks. My life would never be the same again without her in it, but I was starting to see that maybe it didn't have to be the same. Maybe it could be just as good, but different.
I turned and walked back toward my bike as an older gentleman walked past me with a handful of red roses in his hands. He glanced up and smiled.
"Mighty cold out here, hm son?"
"Sure is, Sir." I stopped and smiled at him. "Those are going to be beautiful against the snow."
"Yeah. Sarah loved red roses." He pulled them up to his face and breathed in deeply. "Forty years of marriage and I lost her last year."
"I'm so sorry." I crossed my arms over my chest. "I lost my wife two years ago to a car accident."
"I'm sorry too then." He gave me a warm smile. "Two years is a long time to grieve for most, but you take the time you need. When you come out of it, you'll be thankful you did."
"Thanks. Merry Christmas to you." I extended my hand and shook his as he winked.
"You too. Take care."
I turned and walked back to my bike. Forty years of marriage. I wanted that with Bailey. I was thirty-two then and would be seventy-two when we celebrated such a big number. It was possible, and some part of me had already started planning it all out. I got on the bike and breathed in deeply. Letting go of the past was damn near impossible, but sometimes the future compelled you to do just that.
Marry me.
I started the bike and pulled my phone from my pocket as it buzzed with a special vibration I had for the fire station. They were gearing up for a fire and were a man short. I texted back to grab my shit and give me the address. I would meet them there.
After getting over to the side of town where the flames were licking up toward the sky, I called Bailey. She answered on the first ring.
"Hi, baby."
"Hey." I repositioned the phone as I got off my bike. "Hey look, I had to come help with a fire. The guys are running a man short."
"Oh no."
"Yeah, and it's Christmas Eve. Can you please go over to my place and make cookies with Austin? I'd ask Nina, but I think she has some big fancy party that her and Mom are going to tonight. They always try to get me to go too, but it's just not my thing."
"Of course. What kind of cookies does Santa like?" I could hear the teasing in her voice. God, I loved this woman.
I wanted to fling a million flirty, naughty things at her, but the situation in front of me was screaming for my attention. "Sugar cookies. White icing. Sprinkles and red hots. Austin loves to cut them out and decorate them. I'll be home as soon as I can. Tell him what happened?"
"I'm getting dressed and heading over there now. I have a stocking for him to decorate and I bought a Christmas movie too. We'll have a great time together. Just be safe, Jeremy."
"I will." I dropped the call though I wanted to tell her that I loved her. I'd already hinted at it or basically said something close to it several times, but she needed to know the truth. Some part of me loved her because she was Rhys's little sister, a sweet tomboy from my past that I knew in the depths of my soul was my second chance. Another part wanted to love her because she reminded me of high school, my hometown, of Laila and every warm memory that I had.
But even more than all of that. I loved her because she was her, and it stunned me how much she loved me.