Chapter Seventeen
~ Ashton ~
For an hour, Dean and I planned out our positioning, ready for the first day of school. We’d gone over pretty much everything three times, but you couldn’t be too prepared in my opinion. I’d also memorised the map of the school so that I knew where all the exits and meeting points were, just in case.
Over breakfast, I’d gone through the rules with Anna. She’d agreed to them all, not protesting, and actually looking a little happy with them. I’d insisted on a few changes to her normal routine which she seemed quite happy about. For one thing, no one knew who I was, so while the boyfriend cover worked, we were going to play it to the maximum. Dean would be in plain clothes the whole time, not even acknowledging us unless there was a huge problem that I couldn’t resolve amicably. I had my gun and police credentials with me, but I was praying they wouldn’t ever need to be of use, because that meant that Carter would never find where she is.
The school knew of our situation and that I wasn’t actually a college student, so I wasn’t going to be expected to hand in any masterpieces – which was handy considering I couldn’t draw.
Anna had agreed, finally, to stay with me at all times – even bathroom breaks where I’d have to stand outside and wait for her. We’d already agreed that I could kiss her a couple of times throughout the day so that the boyfriend story stuck. She’d even consented to trying to meet up with the friends that we’d made over the weekend for lunch so that we could integrate with society better and move easier through the crowd.
Of course, Anna had scolded me a few times at how seriously I was taking this whole operation. She’d called it “going overboard.” She’d accused me of acting too much like a SWAT officer rather than secret service, but I’d let it slide. She didn’t know about Carter and his letters; if she did, then she wouldn’t be as hostile about being guarded. She’d promised to be on her best behaviour and let me deal with any issues so that she wouldn’t be kicked out of yet another school. I had high hopes for her at this one, hopefully my arrangements would allow her to finish her course and start to take a hold on her anger and insecurities that she had deep-rooted inside her.
While she was getting dressed, I put my hands on my hips and did a few stretches. My body was really starting to protest about sleeping on the floor, but thankfully I’d received an email last night saying that the sofa bed would be delivered this afternoon. Peter was going to take delivery of it for me, so at least I’d have something soft to sleep on tonight, which would hopefully make me feel less like an old man.
When the door handle of the bedroom moved, my stomach seemed to twist into a knot. I frowned and shook my head at myself. I knew I had it bad now, but this was bordering on ridiculous. I was so excited to see her, yet I’d only seen her over breakfast forty minutes ago. This didn’t bode well for me.
As she stepped into the kitchen with a tentative, nervous smile on her face, my heart seemed to stop. She looked so hot that my mouth actually started to water. My eyes slid down her frame, taking it all in slowly as she played with her fingers and chewed on her lip, waiting for my opinion on her outfit. The insecurity about wearing normal clothes was clearly still there.
I gulped. The black shorts she wore came to about mid-thigh, showing off her long, gorgeous legs. My hands were itching to trace the line of them and feel the soft skin under my fingers. The tight, black top she had on clung to her flat stomach and pert breasts, showing a sexy, red bra-strap. The loose fit, red chequered shirt over the top completed the outfit and made her look so sexy it was starting to hurt as my jeans constricted across the crotch.
Stop, Ashton, focus! She’s looking at you, you need to say something. You look like an idiot!
“Er… You look, er…” I stuttered. Come on you stupid prick, think of a word!
She raised one eyebrow in question as she looked down at herself and straightened her shirt. Clearly, she had no idea that she looked like a goddess and that all I wanted to do was crush her against me and run my tongue over every inch of her. I mentally groaned. I wanted to beg her for a chance; I wanted to be with her so badly that I could almost taste it.
I took a deep breath and tried to stop embarrassing myself. “You look stunning, and you’re going to make this hard for me all day,” I said honestly. There was undeniably a double meaning to those words, she certainly was going to make me hard all day, that was for sure.
Her shoulders seemed to relax at my compliment, and she looked at me gratefully. “Hard for you, why?” she asked, turning to get a glass of juice from the fridge.
I groaned quietly. From the back you couldn’t see the shorts; it looked like she was just wearing a shirt and ankle boots. Oh man, how the heck am I going to be able to do my job with her looking like that? Maybe I should ask her to change... Can I ask her to change without making myself look like a freaking pervert?
“Ashton? How is it going to be hard for you? What are you talking about?” she asked, interrupting my examination of her legs.
I closed my eyes and willed myself to calm down downstairs. “You’re gonna get hit on a lot today,” I admitted.
She turned back and held out a glass of apple juice to me, making her bangles jingle as she moved. I smiled down at them weakly. I’d noticed that whenever she wore short sleeves, she always wore something on her wrists, covering up the scar from her suicide attempt and the various other small scars on her wrist where she had obviously self-harmed at some point in her life.
When she boosted herself up onto the kitchen counter, my body moved of its own accord. I stepped closer to her, setting myself between her legs. Her minty breath blew across my face as her breathing started to speed up. Her eyes widened a fraction as I leant in closer.
“With you looking like this, I may have to kiss you a fair few times today,” I warned. I kept my eyes trained on hers, watching for her reaction as I reached out and traced the line of her cheekbone with one finger.
Her breath seemed to catch in her throat as she nodded slightly. “If you think that’s necessary,” she replied, not taking her eyes from mine.
I could feel the passion building between us and I knew she could feel it too because of the way she was looking at me. That look made the hair on the nape of my neck stand on end. There was no denying that she was attracted to me too, but she didn’t like the fact that she was, I knew that for sure.
“With you looking like this, Baby Girl, I think it’s going to be very, very necessary.” My voice was so husky and thick with lust that it was almost embarrassing.
Her knees tightened around my hips as her gaze flicked down to my lips. All I could envision was pressing my lips to hers and tasting her again as I pressed every inch of my body against hers. Before anything could happen though and I could act on what my instincts were telling me to do, there was a knock at the door. My heart sank because I knew that the intimate moment was over. I seriously needed to get a grip on myself.
“That’ll be Dean,” I whispered, not taking my eyes from hers. “Are you ready to go?”
She blinked a couple of times as if coming out of a daze, and then nodded, clenching her teeth together. It was almost as if she was mentally scolding herself for allowing me close to her or something. She did that a lot after we’d almost had a ‘moment’.
“Yeah, I’m ready,” she confirmed. “Do you have your iPod? You’ll need it.”
~ Anna ~
As the rental car headed towards the school, I could still feel the residual ebb of the sexual tension from the apartment. I had no idea how he did it, but one smouldering look from Ashton seemed to reduce me to a needy, quivering mess.
I flicked my eyes over to him, trying to be discreet as I watched the way his muscles tensed in his arms while he drove. He looked particularly irresistible today. He was wearing blue again – I liked him in blue. My teeth sank into my bottom lip as a thousand lustful thoughts of him seemed to hit me at once. Clear as day, I could remember the feel of his skin under my hands, the taste of his tongue, and the sensations that his lips created with the smallest of kisses. A wistful sigh escaped my lips as I forced my eyes away from him, looking out of the windshield instead. I needed to stop this because it wasn’t right, and it wasn’t fair on Jack for me to keep lusting after another man.
After another five minutes, we pulled into the campus parking lot. Ashton turned to me. His eyes were stern and warning, just as they had been this morning when we’d discussed the rules of him guarding me. “Wait there for me to come around and get you. You stay with me at all times.”
I nodded in agreement, trying to keep my breathing steady. This was my last attempt at school because I wasn’t going to start over again. I was really going to try hard this time, just like I’d promised Jack I would. Hopefully, Ashton would make that possible with all the changes that he’d made to my usual routine.
As he opened my door for me, I took a deep breath and took his offered hand, closing my fingers around his tightly. He smiled reassuringly. “You’ll be fine,” he whispered, pulling me to my feet gently. “This’ll be fun, and I’ll look after you. You trust me, don’t you?” he asked, bending his knees so that his emerald green eyes met mine.
An involuntary smile tugged at the corner of my lips. “I trust you with my life, Ashton.” That was the honest truth. He was the only one that made me feel safe, but I didn’t know why, there was just something about him that told me that I could put my faith in him.
A dazzling, proud grin spread across his face as his arm slipped around my shoulder, pulling me to him as he guided me across the parking lot and towards the large campus building in front of us. As we walked past people, I pressed against his side, trying to melt into him as inquisitive glances were cast in our direction. The tension was practically radiating off him in droves as he discreetly surveyed the area. Dean was doing the same thing about a hundred yards off to my right. I smiled because no one was paying the slightest bit of attention to my far guard, which meant that maybe the undercover thing would work here like Ashton kept assuring me.
A group of girls fell silent as we walked passed, all of them eyeing Ashton like he was their next meal. “You could get a lot of action here, Pretty Boy,” I teased, shaking my head in awe. He wasn’t even trying, yet it looked like girls were willing to throw themselves at his feet.
His forehead creased with a frown as he shook his head. “I’m not interested in any of these girls, Anna.” His tone was a little brisk, as if I should have known better or something. He opened the door to the building and pulled me inside with him. “Come on then, let’s get to our first class,” he whispered, guiding me down the hallways as if he knew exactly where he was going.
“Don’t we need to go to the office first? How do you even know where our first class is?” I asked, confused. Usually I had to book in at the office and someone gave me a tour of the school before showing me the way to my classes.
“They sent me everything already, and I spoke to the dean this morning while you were getting dressed. Plus, I have the map, remember? You know, the one I was looking at this morning when you said I was taking this too far,” he mocked, smirking at me.
I laughed, slipping my arm around his waist. “Okay, I guess your memory will come in handy for finding our way around then.”
He stopped walking, pulling me to a stop too. “Wow, that’s almost an apology.”
More people were watching us now. I shook my head in rejection. “No it wasn’t, I don’t do apologies very often,” I denied, shrugging and narrowing my eyes at him teasingly.
He grinned, cupping my face gently as he stepped closer to me, so close that my skin prickled with sensation. “Oh, I know that,” he purred as his mouth closed over mine, claiming my lips in a kiss that made my tummy flutter with excitement.
Waves of desire crashed over me; they were so powerful that I was surprised we were still standing. I moaned in the back of my throat and wrapped my arms tight around his neck, trying to get closer to him, tangling my fingers in his soft hair. When he nibbled on my lip, wanting to deepen the kiss, I kissed him with everything I had in me. The passion from the kitchen was spilling over as he ran his hands down my back, gripping fistfuls of my shirt, clamping me to him. A small moan escaped his lips that set my heart soaring.
I wanted him. I needed him. When Ashton’s mouth was on my body, everything felt right and whole again, like all of that awful stuff with Carter hadn’t happened. But the kiss didn’t seem enough for me, I wanted more. I wanted him to lavish attention on my body like he had done that one time at my parent’s house. I wanted him to make me feel like that special, beautiful girl that he looked at with those sultry eyes that shone with desire. My whole body ached for it.
By the time he pulled away, my head was spinning with need. He pressed his forehead against mine, still holding me against him as our breathing slowed to normal. His eyes that met mine were dancing with excitement too. He looked like he was fighting for control. I could see the conflict across his face; he wanted to drag me to the nearest supply closet too, just like I was silently envisioning.
“What was that for?” I whispered, raising my chin and brushing my nose against his softly.
He swallowed loudly as his hand slid down my back, coming to rest on the small of my back. “Just wanted everyone here to know that you’re mine.”
Mine. The word made a shiver of something run down my spine as I pressed myself closer to him. “Why don’t you just take me against the wall or something then with everyone watching?” I joked.
A smile twitched at the corner of his mouth as he dipped his head towards mine. “Gladly.” His lips met mine again, and I sagged against him in contentment. The kiss didn’t deepen though, it was just a little chaste kiss before he stepped back and ran his hand down my arm, taking my hand and interlacing our fingers. “We should get to class before we’re late.”
I swallowed the lust that had built inside me and nodded in agreement, letting him give me a gentle, little tug to get me moving again. Now that I was out of the little bubble that he seemed to create around me, I could see people watching us again. Clearly, being new and having a major make-out session in the middle of the hallway was drawing peoples’ interest. As we walked, I tried my best to ignore the stares and whispers. I cringed into Ashton’s side as a couple of guys let their eyes wander over me just that little too long.
Finally, after lots of twists and turns, he stopped outside a classroom. I peeked in, seeing people already sitting on desks, chatting amongst themselves as they waited for lessons to start. The teacher was perched on the edge of her desk, sipping coffee. I scanned her, making my estimations of how good she would be. She was thin and wearing all black and her brown hair, flecked with the occasional grey, was pulled back into a severe ponytail. If I had to guess, I would put her at mid-fifties. She looked friendly enough, and just the right amount of eccentric to teach art at college.
“Ready?” Ashton asked, squeezing my hand gently.
I gulped. “Not really.”
He chuckled and pulled me into the room and up to the teacher. Ashton cleared his throat. “Mrs Donovan?”
She turned and smiled, setting down her cup. “Good morning. You must be my new students,” she greeted.
Ashton nodded, and I let my gaze rake over the class. Most of the students were girls and all of them were now eyeing my near guard with undisguised lust. One of them was staring with an open mouth. My back stiffened as panic set in. What if Ashton wanted to hook up with one of these girls? What if he started to like one of them and wanted to bring her back to the apartment? How was I going to cope with that? Jealous anger and resentment settled in the pit of my stomach, and I felt the frown tug at my forehead.
“Yes, ma’am. I’m Ashton, and this is my girlfriend, Anna.” He squeezed my hand so I looked up at him, seeing that he had one eyebrow raised in question.
I shook my head quickly, not wanting him to know that my mind was running rampant and thinking up scenarios where he fell in love and I had to watch it happen. I definitely didn’t want him to know about the jealousy that was eating me up inside because of it.
“You like Anna and not Annabelle?” the teacher inquired, her tone warm and welcoming.
I turned and forced a smile. “Yeah, Anna is fine.” My parents were the only ones who had ever called me Annabelle.
She nodded in acknowledgement and waved a bony hand towards two empty seats at the back of the classroom. “Take a seat, and then we can get started.” She clapped her hands and the whole room seemed to come to attention, ready to start the day, as Ashton and I wove to the empty seats at the back.
By the time the class was finished, my stomach was hurting from all the giggling. When Ashton had said that he couldn’t draw, I hadn’t thought he meant that all he could muster up was barely more than stick people. My cheek muscles were aching from smiling and laughing so much. I’d never seen anything so terrible, and it was lucky we were sat at the back so that no one else could see and ask what the heck he was doing in an art class. The teacher turned out to be quite nice though, and I actually had fun in class which wasn’t something I was used to.
As soon as the class ended, Ashton screwed up his paper into a ball and tossed it towards the trashcan, holding his hands up in celebration when it went straight in without touching the sides. “Three pointer,” he chirped, grinning. I chuckled at how childlike he was sometimes – it was incredibly cute.
“Maybe you should stick to paper basketball instead of art,” I teased, shoving all of my stuff back into my bag.
He nodded, taking my bag off of my shoulder and holding his other hand out to me. “Let’s go eat, I’m starving.”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re always hungry. I’m surprised you’re not as big as a house.” I’d definitely never seen anyone eat as much as he did.
“I’ve got hollow legs,” he joked, leading me out of the classroom.
I kept my head down as we made our way to the lunchroom. I’d promised him that I would try to integrate into the school and be more sociable, but I wasn’t sure I was ready for it today. After buying two plates of some disgusting-looking pasta and a wilted salad, I sat down at an empty table. Ashton sat opposite me, and I saw Dean in line to buy food too. I smiled. With him dressed in normal clothes instead of a suit, he blended in so much better. He actually passed as a mature student, and no one was batting an eyelid at him.
The chair next to me scraped, so I looked up to see a guy sitting himself next to me. My back stiffened automatically as my hand tightened around the fork I was holding. A predatory smile crossed his face as he leered at me. “Hi, sexy, what’s your name?” he asked.
“Well it’s not sexy, that’s for sure,” I scoffed.
He grinned, opening his mouth to answer but before he could, Ashton leant forward over the table. “Her name is back the fuck off.” He was smiling politely, but the tightness around of his jaw and the hardness to his eyes showed that it wasn’t a friendly smile.
The guy recoiled slightly before standing up and holding his hands up defensively. “Easy. I didn’t realise she was taken,” he shook his head, shifting nervously on his feet, clearly intimidated by Ashton, who had that menacing agent look back on his face again.
“Right. Well, now you do. Why don’t you go back to your table and tell your boys that she’s taken too,” Ashton instructed, nodding at the table of guys that were all staring in our direction, watching their friend make his move on me.
The guy smiled sheepishly before turning his attention back to me again, ignoring the obvious possessive vibe that Ashton was radiating. “If you ever ditch this loser, my name’s Colt,” he said, grinning at me.
“Not planning on ditching the loser, Colt, sorry.” I looked at Ashton, seeing the angry expression on his face as he watched the guy strut back across the lunchroom to his friends. “Back the fuck off? Could you have been any ruder?” I muttered sarcastically.
Ashton’s frown deepened. “What? I thought I was extremely polite.”
I burst out laughing. “Extremely polite, yeah,” I choked out.
“Well, what do you want me to say?” he countered.
I shrugged, spearing some of my pasta with my fork. “Just try not to be so overprotective. I’m sure there’s a nicer way. Besides, there’s like ten of them over there. If they wanted to, they could kick your ass,” I said, glancing over to their table, noticing that actually there were twelve of them, but I didn’t bother correcting myself.
Ashton sighed dramatically, faking hurt. “You doubt my skills.”
“You could fight ten guys?” I asked sarcastically.
“Sure. They’re college students who have probably never been in a real fight in their lives. I bet you could take at least five of them on your own,” he answered confidently.
I smiled because he never seemed to doubt my ability. “Well, let’s not find out, I like our apartment, I don’t want to be kicked out of school just yet,” I suggested, grinning and eating my food while he laughed.
From the corner of my eye I saw Tim and Rich bounding over, arms laden with food. “Hey, we’ve been looking for you. How’s your first day going?” Tim asked, smiling as he sat down next to me.
“Yeah great, we’re making friends already,” I joked, making Ashton almost choke on his food.
“Yeah? I’ll bet you are with those legs on display like that,” Rich flirted, grinning at me as he sat next to Ashton.
I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. Where’s everyone else?” I asked, mostly meaning Rosie. I’d gotten on remarkably well with her on Saturday night.
Tim rolled his eyes. “They’re in the food line. Those damn girls take a ridiculous amount of time to choose a salad.”
When the girls finally graced us with their presence, Monica was again flirting with Ashton but thankfully, the same as usual, he didn’t seem interested. Rosie and I chatted easily throughout the rest of lunch. She was extremely easy to get along with, and incredibly funny most of the time. Her smile was infectious.
When lunch was over, Ashton and I made our way to Graphic Design, which was our afternoon class. I didn’t hold out much hope for Ashton in there though, he didn’t seem to be the artsy type so no doubt he would be doodling stick people and cars like he was all morning.
I actually loved the class. We were given a week long project which we had to pair up to do, of course, I was paired with Ashton. We’d been given a slogan of a company that was rebranding, and we were to come up with a new design and company image to fit their needs. My teacher, Mr Wilson, informed the class that the designs would be sent on to the actual company and if they liked one then they could potentially use it.
Throughout the class, Ashton was no help. Most of the time he’d sat there watching me with one of his iPod earphones in his ear, making stupid jokes with a goofy grin on his face. By the time the lesson finished, all I’d managed was a brainstorm of ideas because he’d been so distracting.
I sighed happily as we stepped out of the building. In my year that I’d been trying to go to college, I’d never once enjoyed being there, until today. Ashton’s hand closed over mine as he nodded towards the car. I squeezed his hand in silent thanks because his presence seemed to be making everything easier for me. Maybe, just maybe, it will work out here.
After a few hours at home, everything was getting on top of me again. Sitting around and watching TV was making me think too much. Sitting with Ashton, I couldn’t help but long to be closer to him. I wanted to snuggle against his side and let his heat envelope me. I wanted to press my lips against his and lose myself in the bliss of his kissing. But I knew I shouldn’t want those things at all. Guilt and shame were building up inside me because I felt disloyal to Jack for wanting things from another man that I promised would be his and his alone. Self-loathing was making me twitch in my seat. I needed a distraction and something that would make me think clearly again instead of lusting after my near guard.
“Do you mind if I go to the gym for a bit?” I held my breath, hoping he would say I could go on my own. I needed a release, and I knew he would complain and tell me to take it easy if he came with me.
He nodded immediately. “Yeah, sure. I’ll just get changed and call Dean.”
My heart sank but deep down I knew he wouldn’t have let me go on my own anyway. I followed him into the bedroom, grabbing some sweatpants and a T-shirt before heading into the bathroom to change.
Ten minutes later, we arrived at the gym with both Dean and Peter in tow. As soon as we were in, my eyes settled on the treadmill. My shoulders ached with tension as I shoved my bottle of water into the hole and tied my sneakers tighter before stepping on. As I fiddled with the buttons, turning it on to a gentle walk, my gaze flicked to Ashton. He’d chosen the rowing machine. My eyes seemed as if they were glued to him as I watched the muscles flex in his arms and legs. He’d removed his T-shirt so all of his glorious body was on display. Something deep down in my belly clenched as my mouth went dry. He looked beautiful.
He looked up then and his eyes met mine. A small smile crossed his lips, and I forced myself to turn away and stop looking. I really needed to get a grip of myself and this lust that seemed to come out of nowhere and consume me, leaving me a quivering mess. It just wasn’t right that he could make me feel like this, I hated it.
Shoving my iPod headphones into my ears, I took a deep breath and put my hand on the speed dial, slowly cranking it up until I was running as fast as my legs would carry me. I ran away from my problems and everything that was bad in my life, focussing only on the music and putting one leg in front of the other. I ran until I couldn’t even think about Ashton’s gorgeous body anymore – which took a surprising amount of time.
Having no idea of time, I could have been running for either five minutes or five hours. All I knew was that my hands started to tingle and sweat was trickling down my back, making my T-shirt stick to me. As per my usual routine, I sped up for about another minute before slowing right down, barely able to breathe.
Once I’d stopped, I slumped to the floor with my heart crashing in my ears. Knowing I was close to passing out, I put my head between my knees and took deep breaths through my nose as I squeezed my eyes shut. When my fingers finally stopped tingling and the acidic taste in my mouth started to subside, I flopped down onto my back and groaned.
When I opened my eyes again, I noticed all three of my guards were staring down at me. Both Dean and Peter wore shocked expressions, but Ashton looked incredibly angry.
I frowned, turning off my iPod as I pushed myself up to my feet, ignoring how my legs shook from the effort of supporting my weight.
“You feel better now?” Ashton snapped.
I snorted, frowning at him. “For goodness’ sake, this is why I wanted to come on my own! Don’t start giving me lectures on what’s good for my body,” I retorted, walking past him to the punch bag that was hanging in the corner of the room.
“Anna, you can’t keep doing this! That was fucking ridiculous. You were running like that for almost thirty minutes, I’m surprised you’re not dead!” Ashton shouted.
The anger in his voice made me slightly nervous, but I tried to ignore it as I slipped on some training gloves and started hitting the bag. I let out all of my frustration and annoyance. Each hit made my muscles in my arms ache. Just as I was about to throw another punch, a hand closed over my arm, pulling sharply so that I had to spin around. My eyes flicked up to Ashton’s face. He looked so angry that the frightened, little girl that I tried so hard to bury inside me surfaced immediately. I flinched, cowering away as I closed my eyes and waited for him to hit me.
His hold on me ceased immediately, and nothing happened. Tentatively opening my eyes, I looked up at him, seeing a horrified, devastated expression on his face as he stepped away from me and shook his head in disbelief. “You actually think I would hit you?” he asked weakly.
I winced, knowing that I’d offended him. “I… I… No, I just…” I looked at the floor, not wanting to admit that yes, just for a second, I thought he would hit me.
“I would never do that, ever.” He stepped back again, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I can’t watch this anymore.”
My mouth popped open in shock as he turned on his heel and walked out, leaving me with Dean and Peter. As the door slammed behind him, I jumped as a huge lump seemed to form in my throat. He left me. He promised he wouldn’t leave me… My heart immediately hurt in my chest as my stomach tightened. Deep down, I’d known it was only a matter of time before he left because everyone did eventually, I just hadn’t realised that it would happen so soon or so suddenly. I wasn’t even close to being prepared for it.
I stared at the door, willing him to walk back in and shout at me some more, to tell me that I’d upset him but that he’d been hasty in deciding to leave. He didn’t come back though. My whole body seemed to go cold as my heart sank. My vision became a little blurry and I realised that I was about to cry. I swallowed my sobs and raised my chin as I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. I refused to cry over another man.
Knowing that Dean and Peter were still watching me and waiting for some sort of reaction, I forced the devastated feelings aside and turned back to the punch bag and hit and kicked it until I hurt all over from the effort. By the time I finished, my legs were wobbly and my fingers were numb.
Dean and Peter were sitting on the chairs, waiting for me in silence. “I’m done,” I muttered, walking past them and not waiting for them to catch me up.
The ominous silence continued as they walked me to my apartment. When I stepped through the front door, Dean followed me in and headed into the lounge while I went straight to the bathroom for a shower. He would be the one that would move in and take over as near guard until they found a replacement for Ashton. I couldn’t even bring myself to care about the fact that I didn’t want him here.
The hot water of the shower did nothing to help the crushing feelings I had inside. I felt terrible, the loss of him was painful, and all I could see was his devastated face when he said that he would never hurt me. My insides were hurting, my head was throbbing, and my whole body was aching.
When I got out of the shower, I pulled my hair into a ponytail and found one of his T-shirts that he’d left behind. I pressed it against my face, inhaling deeply. A little whimper left my lips because it still smelt like him. Needing the comfort, I slipped it on over my head and climbed into the bed, hugging myself tightly. Feeling cold and lonely, I cried for him until I fell asleep.
“Come on, Princess, it’s fun, you’ll like it. I’ve played lots of times. Take the gun, take a deep breath and then pull the trigger,” Carter insists, waving the gun towards me again.
My whole body is shaking as I wring my hands, ignoring the pain in my wrists caused by the deep cuts I’d made there the week before. I feel nauseous.
Carter raises one eyebrow. “Come on, we’ll make a deal. You wanted to die last week; if you die, then you’ll be getting what you wanted. If I die, you then can go free, and if neither of us dies, then you’ll stay here with me. Forever,” he suggests, grinning wildly.
Silent tears fall down my face as I look at the shiny, little silver gun balanced on the palm of his outstretched hand. “That’s not a deal! I don’t have a choice!” I cry.
“You have a two in six chance of not being here with me. That’s what you want, isn’t it?” he retorts sarcastically.
“Please don’t make me do this, Carter. Please?” I beg. He sighs and moves the gun; using two fingers, he spins the cartridge.
As I realise that this is my only way out, I silently pray that either I die or he does, because the alternative, staying here with him, doesn’t bear thinking about. Fear runs through my veins, causing my hands to shake violently. I watch as he pulls some kind of straw out of his pocket, bends towards the table and the line of white powder that I’d watched him make, and snorts it all before grinning at me wildly.
Because I’ve not moved, he rolls his eyes and points the gun at his own temple. “I’ll go first,” he states, as if this is an everyday occurrence.
I hold my breath. He smiles and winks at me as he pulls the trigger. Vomit rises in my throat, but nothing happens, the gun doesn’t go off. Overwhelmed, I turn to the side and am violently sick over the expensive-looking rug.
He smiles at me tenderly, clearly planning on ignoring the fact that I’m still retching. “Well then, I guess the best you can hope for is that you die, Princess,” he states, shaking his head sadly. He holds the gun out to me again, nodding encouragingly. I raise a shaky hand, and whimper as my fingers close around the cool metal of the gun. Carter’s hand closes over mine as he guides the gun up under my chin. I swallow, feeling the hard metal pressed against my skin. “You can do it, Princess.” The tone of his voice is kind and loving; it doesn’t match the fact that he is making me pull a gun under my chin. I take a deep breath and pray for death. I don’t want to stay here. “Count to three,” he whispers.
“One… Two…” My voice is shaking as I count slowly. My heart stops just before the last word comes out as a broken whisper. “Three.” I pull the trigger.
CLICK.
“I guess you’re mine to keep now, Princess,” Carter gloats. His eyes are dancing with delight as a large, lopsided, drug-induced smile creeps onto his face.
I sat bolt upright as my piercing scream tore through the air. Ashton’s T-shirt was stuck to me where I was sweating. My lungs were tight so I couldn’t breathe properly. I just couldn’t get enough air in, so it felt like I was suffocating.
Seconds later, the door burst open, slamming against the wall loudly. “Anna! Shit, it’s okay, Baby Girl, it’s okay. I’m so sorry, I fell asleep on the sofa, I’m so sorry,” Ashton cooed. My eyes widened in shock as I looked up at him, still struggling to breathe. He sat on the bed and wrapped his arms around me, rocking me gently. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep out there, I’m sorry,” he whispered, stroking my hair.
I couldn’t focus on anything other than my dream and the crushing horror that was eating me up inside. Carter. Carter’s face. His voice. His wicked smirk. His excited eyes. All of it swam before me, taunting me, hurting me, killing me.
Vomit rose in my throat, so I clamped one hand over my mouth and shoved myself out of his arms. I staggered out of the bed and ran for the bathroom, barely managing to make it before I emptied my stomach into the toilet. While I was being sick, Ashton rubbed my back and whispered soothing words. I pushed on his legs, pointing to the door, signalling for him to leave.
“I’m not leaving you like this,” he stated, getting a washcloth and wetting it, before placing it across the back of my neck as I retched and retched.
I squeezed my eyes shut, gasping for breath. Why that one? Why did it have to be that dream? Other than seeing Jack die on that fire escape, this one was the worst dream that usually haunted me – because right after the incident with the gun, Carter had pinned me to the floor next to the pile of my own vomit and had taken my virginity.
My whole body was shaking as I wiped my forehead, sitting back on my feet as I gasped for breath.
“Calm down, Baby Girl. Take deep breaths and calm down. Everything’s fine, I promise you,” Ashton whispered, adjusting the cool cloth on my neck.
My chin wobbled as I looked over at him sitting on the floor next to me. I could see the pain on his face; he looked helpless, like he didn’t know how to help me. At that moment, my body reacted instinctively. I whimpered and threw my arms around his neck, holding him tightly as I sobbed against him.
He groaned, wrapping his arms around me and rocking me gently until I finally managed to calm down. When he moved to pull back, I shook my head in protest, clamping myself against his chest. “Don’t leave,” I begged. I couldn’t let him go anywhere. I couldn’t go back to dreaming like that again every night, I didn’t want to be without him.
“Anna, let go,” he whispered, reaching up and unclasping my hands from his neck.
Rejection made my eyes sting as I clenched my teeth together and dropped my eyes to the floor. As he stood up, I realised that this was entirely my fault. He was leaving because I’d pushed him away by not trusting him. I’d pushed him out of my life, and I was now going to have to deal with the consequences of that.
Instead of leaving though, he bent down and slipped his arms around me, lifting me easily off the floor and holding me tightly against his body. I looked up at his face, shocked as he pushed the bathroom door open and carried me over to the bed.
Wordlessly, he laid me down and curled around me protectively. Not daring to hope that this meant what I thought it meant, I burst into another round of sobs and scooted closer to him, burying my face into his chest.
“I’m so sorry, Ashton. Please don’t leave, please?” I begged, clutching him tightly.
He stroked my hair. “I’m not leaving,” he murmured, kissing the top of my head. My heart skipped a beat at his words, and I pulled back to look at his face to check if he was just saying that to calm me down. “I’m not leaving,” he insisted, kissing my forehead and cheeks.
“Really?” I whimpered. He nodded in confirmation as he bent and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes, and a small smile twitched at the corners of my mouth as his words sank in. “I’m sorry,” I croaked.
“I know. It’s alright. Just go back to sleep. I’m staying right here, I promise.” His arms tightened around me as he rested his chin on top of my head. Closing my eyes, I pressed my face into his chest and let his smell waft over me. My heart seemed to slow down as the dread and loneliness slowly receded. As his hand stroked my back softly, I realised that I actually loved Ashton’s smell.