Danny

It was all so perfect and I didn’t know what to say for several moments. I tried to think of what to say to him, but I forgot the whole point of the kiss that started it all. It all came back to me when he started in on his confessions again.

I had to go back into the mode I’d currently been in. I didn’t have anything to do with him because if I did, he was going to get in trouble. I needed to get that through my head or this was never going to work. What just happened was a mistake. It was just a moment of weakness and it wasn’t going to happen again. This is what I told myself anyways, over and over again.

“This was a mistake Mack.”

He looked at me as if I had lost my mind as I climbed off of him and fixed my skirt. I wanted to apologize for doing it, and now this, but he would see one day that it was all for his own good. The truth was, maybe he wouldn’t see that at all and he would always hate me. It was a risk that I had to take and it was one that I was going to have to live with, no matter how much I didn’t want it to happen.

“You have got to be kidding me Danny.”

I shook my head that I wasn’t kidding in the least bit.

“Not at all Mack. You need to leave and it’s Danielle. It’s been Danielle for a very long time. You and Mariss were the only ones that call me that.”

His mouth was agape and I know that he didn’t know what to say or think. I could agree that it was a hard moment, but unless he shut up and got out of here, he was going to be in big trouble. I didn’t want to see him go down and I certainly didn’t want to be the cause of it.

“Danny, be reasonable. I don’t know what’s going on with you lately. You can’t do that again, not after what we just did. Didn’t that mean anything to you?”

“And you don’t need to know what’s going on. I told you before, I can’t do this anymore and I don’t want to argue about it. Please just go. You said before that you didn’t want to have a fight like last time, so let’s not.”

Mack was staring at me and I had to look away. I hadn’t meant for that to happen and I know how it must look, but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t mean for it to go this far, honest, but what was I going to do now?

“I’m sitting here pouring my heart out to you Danny and it’s like you couldn’t even care less.”

I know it appeared that way to someone that didn’t understand it all. It felt that way to him, but it couldn’t have been further from the truth. I did care about him, a lot and I wish that he understood that I did this because I had to. If I didn’t, well I didn’t even want to think about that. I also didn’t want to think about what was going to be said by the feds for me not cooperating. I felt so helpless.

“I do care Mack, but this is a cycle with us that can’t go on. It hurts me as much as it does you to do this.”

“I fucking doubt it.”

He sounded bitter and I started to wonder if he was actually going to leave. He started to walk towards me and I moved back to keep the distance.

“We can be together Danny. Why can’t we?”

It was a good question, one I didn’t have an answer for, yet I knew that the response was we couldn’t. “We just can’t. Please leave.”

Didn’t he see that this was killing me as much as it was killing him?

“Fine Danny. I don’t know why you’re being like this and playing my emotions. I should have never gone to that damn reunion. It was all false hopes and promises. You made me believe that you actually cared. You care as much now as you did then. What a waste of my time.”

He stormed out of the house and I couldn’t hold it together any longer. I crumpled to the ground and just started crying. It was a very deep low to have when I was so high with him moments before. Mack was finally gone forever and the feelings I had for him were never going to go away. I was always meant to think of him forever and wonder what life would have been like with him. I knew I would never find anyone to replace him. I hadn’t in a decade and I didn’t think I would now. If anything, this was going to be the official end for me and my love life.

Mariss came out and I told her that I just couldn’t talk about it. It was literally the last thing that I wanted to do. I know that I’d lied to her and maybe later, when it didn’t hurt so bad, I would talk about it, but right now the wound was too fresh and there was nothing I could do but weep about it.

She instead gave me a hug and it was what I needed. Mariss always knew because she had given me the same hug after I’d decided to go to college away with her the first time. Now it was the same and ten years later it still hurt like the first time, maybe even more this time. I’d certainly fallen faster than I had before. It was so quick that it took my breath away with the suddenness of it all.

After a time of getting all of the emotion out, I pulled away and asked Mariss if she wanted to get some coffee. I was burning inside to tell someone what was going on, but I couldn’t do it because our house was bugged. She needed to know about that too and the FBI, everything. If I didn’t tell someone soon so that I could be understood fully, I was going to lose it. That much I knew for sure.

When we got to the coffee shop she asked me what was going on. I didn’t say much as we stood in line to make our orders and waited for the coffee.

“So what is this about Danny? I know that we aren’t here for coffee.”

“I have to tell you something Mariss and I don’t know how to say it.”

She didn’t like the sound of that by her expression and I didn’t like feeling this way. It was crushing, this secret of mine and Mariss was the one person that I knew wouldn’t say a word. She would see it how it was and not see it in a negative light. We both knew Mack.

“We can’t talk much at the house anymore. The house is bugged.”

“What?”

It was the expression and question that I was expecting and I tried to tell her in one quick go what was going on because I didn’t know if I could drag it out.

“Like I said before, there is some sort of surveillance thingies in the house and the feds are listening in on us. They think that I am going to get them the information that they want on Mack. That’s why I had to tell Mack to stay away. If he doesn’t, they are going to bust him and put him away for a long time. I can’t let that happen.”

I was getting off point and her question got me back.

“For what?”

“What do you mean?”

“What are the feds going to bust him for?”

“Selling stolen stuff or something like that. He’s the go-between I guess. Doesn’t want to get his hands dirty, never did.”

“So they are really listening?”

“Yeah I came home a few weeks back and they were in the house, two detectives. They said they were going to be listening and wanted me to have Mack to talk about his work. He almost did today, that why I…”

“Banged his brains out to shut him up?”

“In a manner of speaking.”

“I was wondering what you were doing. For something that had to be done, you sure didn’t seem to bother by it.”

I could feel my face getting red and I knew that I was never going to live it down. Ten years from now she would still be talking about it and again I was embarrassed at how much I lost myself when I was around Mack. This was just further proof that I didn’t need to come to that conclusion.

We sat in silence for a while. I was further unburdened by the conversation, but I felt like I had thrown the weight of the world on my friend’s shoulders. In my fight to be understood, I may have stressed her out.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just trying to think of what all I’ve said in there in that last couple of weeks. Me and Derek smoked weed in my room. Do you think they are going to arrest me for that? I mean, we were giggling pretty loud.”

I told her that I don’t think they were using it for that. “They don’t want us, they want Mack. They threatened me about work, but if I lose my job because of it, there is nothing I can do. I can’t help them, so the consequences will happen. You won’t get pulled into this mess, I won’t let you.”

I wished that I wasn’t waist deep in it either. I was too ordinary to have these sorts of things happen to me. It was time to get back to my simple life. The one I could handle. The one that didn’t have Mack and the FBI in it. I was a school teacher after all. Things like this weren’t supposed to happen to me.