Danny

It was only a couple of minutes before five when I realized what a mistake I was making. I had to get to him and I rushed out, sure that we were going to meet at the last minute and then everything would be okay. I didn’t take anything with me except my purse. I was going to need my ID, but everything else was up in the air as far as I knew.

I drove as fast as I could to the airstrip we had went to the first time we’d went back out together. He’d told me then that he’d been there to see me. I was there to see him and it had culminated to this very moment. I could see it in my head and it made me smile to myself. This was the moment that I had been waiting for since I left the first time. I knew better then and I finally knew better now. My life was going to be so different then what I planned for it, but it was going to have Mack in it and that’s all that mattered.

I got to the airstrip and I didn’t see anyone. There were no cars and no planes. I checked my watch and I was twenty minutes late. I’d driven as fast as I could, but I’d taken too much time to make up my mind. He was gone and I didn’t know what to do.

Remembering he was still close enough to get a call, I tried him on his cellphone, but it went right to voicemail like it was off. There was no way for me to contact him. He was gone and I was left feeling that I’d made another huge mistake in my life. This one, I didn’t know if I was going to be able to fix it. This time I might have ruined it forever. Now what was I supposed to do?

I drove back home in a daze and I felt numb inside. What had I done? My indecision was going to cost me everything, it already had. I’d lost the only man that I loved and the only man that had ever satisfied me. It was all gone and I could feel the loss in my soul. I still almost couldn’t believe he was gone. It had gone so differently in my head. It wasn’t supposed to end this way. It just wasn’t.

***

I was in denial when I got home and the more I tried to make sense of it, the shorter I became. There was no rhyme or reason, not really. There were just coincidences that didn’t make any sense. This was one of those times.

Mariss was home and she was watching something on the television. “Where did you go? I went to the bathroom and came back and you were gone.”

I didn’t want to admit where I was or where I had tried to go, not now that I knew it was a bust. I felt like an idiot as it was, but Mariss knew everything so I spilled my guts.

As I was talking, some breaking news came in that left me feeling even colder inside. It was as if all of my blood had run cold and I didn’t know what to think or say. I just stared at the scene and the flashes of a plane going down over the ocean. It was Mack’s plane and though there was a search for him and his other passenger, there didn’t seem to be any hope that he had lived through the explosion.

Mariss looked at me and then at the screen. I’d been staring at it for quite some time and I was lost in the moment, unsure I remembered how to breathe.

“Is that Mack?”

I told her that it was and that was only said with a nod of my head. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Mack’s plane had exploded not long after takeoff over the ocean. He was on his way to Spain from the looks of it and never made it.

“Weren’t you supposed to be on there too?”

It wasn’t a thought I’d had yet. I was still processing the fact that the last time I saw him was really and truly going to be the last time. That kiss was our last one. I was never going to see him again. The last thing that I was thinking about was the fact that I should have been on there with him and I would have blown up too. Maybe it would have been better.

Tears were streaming down my face and I watched the screen, not really seeing it for several minutes. The numbness was pushed further and now I felt like I was in oblivion. There was nothing that I could do about this. He was gone. But it was impossible to really and truly believe he was gone. We’d been apart for so long, but I always knew that he was out there somewhere. It had been a reassurance and now…

Mariss stopped trying to ask questions and sat beside me and put an arm around me. I didn’t even feel it. I should be able to feel it, right?

***

I had to go to the funeral that was held in our hometown, if not to just say goodbye to him properly. There were lots of people from the reunion and I walked around in a daze, weaving in and out of conversations and stories about Mack. He truly was loved and admired by many.

I spotted Mack’s mother and since I’d known her well a long time ago, I wanted to give her my condolences and say I was sorry. I didn’t know what to say in these sorts of things, but she was taking it better than I would have guessed. Mack was her only son and she didn’t seem all that bothered. That was strange, but I reminded myself that not everyone grieved in the same way. I’d stared at a wall for almost a full day. That can’t be healthy on any scale.

“I’m so sorry Madeline. I don’t know what to say, but he is loved and missed by so many.”

She smiled at me and agreed. “I really thought the two of you would work it out one day.”

“We did a little in the end. We just didn’t have enough time to see it through.”

I heard my voice cracking and I was going over how it could have been different.

“It is a shame Danny, but you know that he is in paradise now, having the time of his life.”

I looked at her a little strangely and she had this knowing look on her face. Did I hear her right? What the hell did his mom mean? Did she just wink at me?

Madeline was confusing me to no end and I felt like she knew something that she wasn’t coming out with. I wanted to ask her more, but someone was coming towards us with the same thing in mind as me originally.

“You should never give up hope Danny. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes you just have to make a leap.”

The older man was upon us and I repeated my condolences before I went to sit down. I felt now like I had been hit with a ton of bricks. Was she playing games? How could I keep hope alive when the one man I loved was dead?