Mack

“What do you want to do Mack?”

Ernest was looking at me strangely through the rearview mirror. I didn’t answer him right away and he asked me another question.

“Do you want me to shut the door for you?”

I looked over and noticed that the back door was still open from where I got into the car. I knew that I wanted it close, that I should close it, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it and I told him that I did want him to close it. Ernest got out and didn’t say a word. I could have closed it and I wasn’t showing airs, no I was devastated and I didn’t know what to say. If this was anyone else, if it was any other time, I wouldn’t have let it bother me. But I couldn’t lose Danny twice. I wasn’t strong enough and I was practically in shock by what just happened in there.

“What happened?”

This was something he didn’t ask, ever. Ernest didn’t usually ask really anything about anything, but he had concern on his face like we were about to be attacked or surrounded by police.

“I thought everything was going so well. We made love and then…”

I couldn’t even finish because in truth I wasn’t really sure what the hell had happened. She’d gone from cold to hot to cold and back in only a few minutes. My head was still spinning by how fast the change took place. There was no rhyme or reason for it all and I wanted to know what the hell had happened. I kept asking myself this over and over again and I still didn’t have an answer, no matter how badly I wanted one.

Ernest looked uncomfortable and I couldn’t blame him. This wasn’t usually his job and the only reason it was this time was because I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to be doing. I was supposed to be the boss, sure, but we will still sitting in front of her house. I had to go. I knew that. She’d asked me to go over and over again and now I had to. I wanted to know what it was that made this possible. What had happened?

“Do you want to leave or are you going back in?”

Ernest wanted instructions and I finally told him to leave. There was nothing I could do here because she didn’t want me. I didn’t think I would ever feel this way, but here I was and she wasn’t worried about me in the least bit. Everything was wrong as far as I was concerned. There was nothing to make this all better.

“No, I’m not going back in that damn place. Just drive Ernest. I don’t even care where, as long as we are away from here.”

He didn’t say anything else; obviously he could see I was distressed. I was more than distressed. I was so stressed out that my stomach hurt. I was ready to leave. I’d spent the last couple of weeks getting everything in order, taking care of all of my affairs in America. I wanted to come here tonight, make love to Danny and take her away with me. This is what I’d saw happening and now the most important thing that I was to bring with me didn’t want to go. What was I supposed to do now? I didn’t want to leave without her but it was the first time that I was seeing this as something that might actually happen.

Ernest finally drove me towards the city and I was able to think about what had happened. I knew that this was the time that I had to leave. It wasn’t a choice. Jail wasn’t an option so the only one I had was to get the hell out of here. I just didn’t want to do it without her. Why had she come back in my life, only to leave again? It didn’t make any sense and I was sick of trying to understand it.

I fell in bed that night and tried my best not to think of Danny. She had come back into my life and messed everything up. A couple of months ago, I still thought about her, but she was a distant memory. It took a long time to get her there and now I was sure that it was going to be an even longer time this time around.

Waking up in the middle of the night, I didn’t want to give up on the situation. I knew if I told her how I felt, if she realized how much I loved her, how honest I was willing to be with her, I knew that she would have to forgive me and she would have to take me back. Danny wasn’t going to walk away this time, not if I didn’t let her. It’s what I should have done before. I should have stopped her.

With a new plan in mind, I was able to move forward. It wasn’t something that was going to be easy, but convincing her to be with me the first time hadn’t been all that easy either. She was worth it, even if I had to go above and beyond for her. I was going to make the grand gesture and really show her my love. She wouldn’t be able to walk away then. There was just no way. She wasn’t heartless and I knew that she still felt the same way about me as I did about her.

I got everything together so we could just leave from her house. Today was the day and it had to be today. I had everything in place. Now was the time to find out if what Danny felt for me was love or something weaker. I wanted desperately to be right about her, but I knew that there was a chance that I was very wrong. Only time would tell and I was beyond nervous at the prospect.

Telling myself that this was the last time I was going to try, it had to be, I hoped once more that Danny would see what was right in front of her and take the leap. It would be a lot that I had to ask of her, but it was how it had to be. This was the only way we could be together and I really wanted her to go along with it. I hadn’t gone with her to college all those years ago, but I needed her to come with me now.