Chapter four
I called ahead and canceled my appointments for the day. I found myself stopping in on a colleague and finding her amenable to an impromptu therapy session. Dr. Kathryn Ames was someone I had deep respect for.
“I don’t know when the last time we saw each other. Could it be that you have been trying to avoid me? I hate to be blunt, but the elephant in the room is sitting right beside you. I was hoping this wasn’t going to be an issue for very much longer. You haven’t said anything outright, but I have been doing this long enough to know the signs of a frustrated virgin.” I was drinking my herbal tea and looking up at her over the rim to see she was waiting for me to admit what she already knew.
“I’ve been trying not to say this, but I can’t do it any longer. I’m a virgin. I’ve met someone who I would like to be my first, but I don’t know how to put it into words. We have been intimate on the pretense of giving him pleasure to take away his frustration. I used my hands. He has been lonely since his wife died a few months ago. I feel I’m taking advantage of him and I’m betraying my oath as a doctor to do no harm.” I was finally ready to let my body do the talking for me, but the man I had chosen was considered off limits.
“We do try to avoid the entanglement of getting personal with a patient. The one thing you have to remember is that we are still human and we make mistakes. I can’t tell you what to do, but I have this feeling things will work out exactly as they are supposed to. Do you see a future with this man? Is this more than infatuation for his body?” She was older and wiser with the experience to know what she was talking about.
“I really don’t know how to answer those questions. The only thing I can say for certain is I want to do unspeakable things with him behind closed doors.” I could already envision several scenarios and each one was more than a little earth shaking.
“It’s perfectly natural for you to feel this way. We can’t always get what we want, but sometimes we can get what we need.” It sounded like something I had heard from the lyrics of a song in the seventies.
“It’s funny, but I think I want and need him more than I’m willing to admit. He has already told me there have been moments during our sessions where his thoughts were not exactly therapeutic. I know this is wrong, but I’ve been the one looking in from the outside for too long.” Her house was this Cape Cod design with major improvements done for renovations inside. Everything was modern down to the quaint sliding barn door to the bathroom. There were subtle antique touched. What was old was new again.
“I would tread carefully with his heart. He has lost the love of his life and is willing to cling to anyone who might give him the attention he has been craving. You don’t want to fall into that trap. I know it’s going to be difficult, but you are strong enough to contain these feelings. I don’t know why you would.” It would’ve been easier had those feelings been unrequited, but we were practically throwing each other a bone.
She was dressed in a peasant blouse and a plain gray skirt past her knees. The wrinkles around her eyes gave her character. She was somebody that I trusted to know what was best for me.
“I feel that everything I pushed down deep is coming to the surface stronger than ever. I know how to take care of myself, but something tells me it’s far different with someone else driving the bus. I want him to take the steering wheel and show me everything I have been missing.” I looked around at her décor and it was indicative of the woman herself. There was this mixture of old and new.
“A woman’s first time is something we can never take back. We foolishly give ourselves to those who know how to seduce with words. It could also be their bold claim of love. We know by now guys will say and do anything to get some. He won’t be able to control himself if you give him the green light. Be cautious and you’re playing with the thin thread of his emotions.” I hadn’t given that much thought and he was obviously lonely.
“You are my friend and I think you know the reason why I haven’t seen you in quite some time. I couldn’t look you in the eyes without you being able to see through me. I came very close to telling you the last time we were together. I think you know that.” She was a valuable asset and she was someone I was proud to call my friend.
“I’m going to give you permission to do something promiscuous. I can guide you with helpful hints to give you a fighting chance. I know everything I’ve said to you is going to go in one ear and out the other when you see him smiling at you. We’ve all been there and the bad boy always has an edge over the competition. His wealth is nothing compared to the way that he can touch you in just the right way.” She sounded like she was talking from personal experience.
“I would say you have been where I’m at and I should listen to what you have to say with my ears wide open. This is the case of the younger generation falling victim to the same mistakes you made in the past. Life has a tendency to imitate and duplicate experiences in different ways.” I had the tools at my disposal to resist the lure of his manly arms.
“We all have the best intentions, but sometimes the heat of the moment can be too much. He will do whatever he can get you alone. It’s a foregone conclusion and one you should take to the bank.” She reached out and put her hand on my knee in a comforting gesture.
“I am determined to stand up to his delectable body. The only thing that could possibly make me succumb is to see him naked again. I don’t think I could stand with my legs shaking without doing something about the feelings building up inside of me. I can’t see there being any occasion where I would find him naked unless I was to surprise him again in the bathroom.” I knew I would be singing a different tune when my eyes laid claim to the flag unfurling between his legs.
“I have given you the necessary advice, but it’s going to mean nothing if he’s your magic man. Can he say more with a smile than he could ever say with words? I would be lying if I didn’t say I was envious of your position. You waited patiently for the right one and the situation has thrown him into your lap. I suspect there’s going to be more than just sleeping in your future.” She thought I was weak and I had to show her I was strong in the face of overwhelming odds.
“You’re showing your age by what you’re saying to me. I’m not sure what you mean by him being my magic man. I have taken up more than enough of your time. I needed somebody to listen to me and you have always been there. Our friendship was built on you being my mentor. I shouldn’t have kept you at arm’s length.” She was my guiding light and someone I had deferred to often by thinking about what she had said to me in the past.
“I might be showing my age, but you are showing your inexperience like a neon light for him to find his way into your bed. Mark my words. If you’re not careful, you’re going to be gripping more than your pillow at night. There are things out of our control and our libido is always one of them.” She was giving me her dire prediction and I thought that she was somewhat naïve to think two people couldn’t be friends without getting physical.
“I’m not going to jump into anything. Logically, I know anything I do with him would be wrong. I can’t justify being with him without thinking about what our union would do to his son. There’s no way I would feel comfortable doing anything with him close enough to walk in on us.” She smiled knowingly.
“I don’t think you’re going to have to worry about that. He has already made concessions for him. I know this like I know the back of my hand. Don’t be surprised to see what I say come back to haunt you.” She wasn’t telling me not to do it but was stressing caution before moving forward.
I walked out and down the steps carefully to avoid the many different toys from her grandchildren.
I gave myself a pep talk on the way home after finishing some errands. I arrived in time to see Daniel getting into a car with a family of four. He meekly waved at me and I sheepishly followed with no idea of what was going on.
“Daniel has a sleepover with a friend. It appears we are going to be here alone together.” Evan whistled happily and I knew this was his way of planning a night I was never going to forget