Danny

“Oh my God, seriously Mack, what are you doing here?”

I was just getting back from a run and at least this time I wasn’t in the house again. He wanted me to let him in and I told him that it was best if we walked and talked. I think he took it as I didn’t want to be alone with him, which was a plus, but it was really because I still didn’t know who, if anyone was listening anymore.

“You want to walk?”

“Yeah.”

“Where?”

“Just ahead, come on. Don’t make it difficult.”

“I feel like I should say the same thing about you. Your moods are giving me whiplash.”

He was right to be confused and I was too, but I stuck to my guns. At least now I could tell him what was going on. I had been distant and acting strange, but now he would at least know why. He wouldn’t leave thinking that I hated him or him hating me. This time he would know the full truth and in a way I was relieved that we had this opportunity.

“Well, I’ve had a reason for how I have been acting.”

I looked behind me and I was just checking, expecting to see a tinted car somewhere behind us, ready to jump out and take him into custody.

“What is the reason that you’ve been tying me up in a knot Danny, because I can’t see one?”

“How about the fact that I went home a few weeks ago to a couple of FBI detectives in my house?”

“So you know.”

It wasn’t the answer I was expecting, but his did anger me for some reason. After all of the grief and strife, he was acting a little too casual. He was acting like this happened on a regular basis and I had to wonder if it did. With Mack, there really was no telling.

“Yeah I know. I knew before they came. They have my house bugged. It’s been that way for a while. You wouldn’t shut up yesterday and I had to shut you up somehow.”

“Ugh, so you had sex with me to shut me up? That’s why you climbed on top and rode me like that?”

“You say it likes it’s a bad thing. It’s not. I wanted you and yeah, it was part of it, but it still felt amazing like it always does. Why does it matter if there were other reasons behind it? You act like you wanted your confession on record with them.”

”I don’t, but I thought we did it because you wanted me and missed me.”

“I do, you know I do Mack, but this is too much for me. You need to leave, I’m sure you already have plans to do so, so why try to kid ourselves like this can actually work?”

“I can think of many reasons. I am going, but I wasn’t here to argue. I’m here to see if you will go with me. I know that it’s a lot to ask and since you know, it doesn’t take much to realize what I’m asking of you. Leave it all behind and come with me. I have enough money that you will never have to work again or you can. You can do whatever you want, wherever you want, just not here. And we can’t come back for a while. A long while.”

He was saying it all so fast like I did when I was trying to get something out and I didn’t have much courage to do so.

“I can’t do that Mack. They are watching me and I just can’t do that. My life is here. My job. Everything that I worked for is here and I can’t just go with you.”

He looked disappointed and I was as well. I knew that I was never going to find another man like him. I’d tried over the years and every other man had come up short when compared to him. It was hard to know what else to do. I couldn’t so what he asked of me. There was no way.

“You just need to go without me Mack, but go soon because I don’t want to see you go to jail. It’s the very last thing that I want. I want to think of you happy somewhere.”

“Like paradise?”

He remembered and I smiled at him. I didn’t even know if those islands really existed, I’d never looked it up, but it was always an obsession of ours. The perfect life on a small island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

“Yes.”

“It won’t be paradise without you Danny.”

“You always did have all of the right things to say Mack.”

I turned to him to see his face and to memorize every line and wrinkle. I wanted to remember the exact color of his eyes because I knew then that I was never going to see him again. He was going to go live the life on the lamb and I didn’t want that. I just couldn’t.

“It’s because I love you Danny. You have to know that. I loved you way back when and I love you just as much now, maybe more. What you’ve turned into and become is admirable. You’ve came a long way. Come with me. I know it’s a lot to ask, but we’re meant for each other.”

I just shook my head and knew that I couldn’t back down. He leaned in to kiss me and it was the bitterest sweet thing I had ever tasted. It was to be our last kiss. I felt like everything good was ending in this one moment.

I pushed him back, unable to take the contact any longer. He had to go and let me get over him, if that was even possible. I didn’t know if it was, but I was going to find out, again.

My mind told me to keep walking as my heart broke again. I didn’t want to see him for this reason, but now he wouldn’t wait around for me because it wasn’t going to do him any good. This is how it had to be and I just wanted him to know that. He had to get it through his head. The man was not like this, I knew that and I knew from just the way he acted that he loved me. It didn’t do us any good, but it somehow made it easier. I was to know that he always loved me because I was always going to love him.

He didn’t chase after me. I just started walking the same way that we were going to begin with. I looked back when I dared and he was still in the same spot. Mack looked like he wanted to say something, but pride held him back. This had gone far worse than it had in my head.

“If you change your mind, meet me at the airstrip at five. I’m leaving tonight and I don’t know when I will be back.”

I didn’t answer him because I didn’t trust my voice at this point. There was something about him and the way he looked at me. For the first time since I’d known Mack, he looked defeated. I had seen something similar before when we’d broken up before, but this time it seemed different. Or maybe this time I knew what it was because I felt the same way.

***

His words echoed in my ear the rest of the day and my eyes were on the clock on the wall. I couldn’t keep my gaze from it. I knew that everything about his idea was wrong and that it was a horrible idea, but the fact of the matter was that I was never going to find anyone like him again. He was to be my soul mate. Was I really going to let him go?