Johnny lay awake.

Curled on his side, he stared at the faint orange halo around his window where the light from the streetlamps outside crept in around the edges of the curtains.

He hugged his pillow and tried to ignore the gnawing anxiety in his belly, willing sleep to come. His body was tired, physically sated from fucking Carl—the guy he’d hooked up with earlier—but his mind was unsettled and restless.

Even before the encounter with Ryan on the doorstep, Johnny had been feeling weird about things. He’d got talking to Carl last night. They’d swapped photos and discussed their preferences. They seemed compatible so Johnny had invited him around this evening for sex. Nothing new there.

Carl had been a good fuck and they’d both had fun, so why had Johnny been left feeling unsatisfied and uneasy?

Ryan seeing Carl leaving was unfortunate. But Johnny had established clear expectations with Ryan at the start of their arrangement, and one of those was that this wasn’t an exclusive thing. They were both free to see other people if they wanted, so there was no need for Johnny to be feeling this nagging sense of guilt.

With a heavy sigh he rolled onto his back and let his thoughts keep spinning, hoping that maybe if he slept on it, everything would make more sense when he woke.

Johnny had a long and busy day at work on Saturday, with very little time to think about Ryan. He checked his phone every time he took a break, but there was nothing from Ryan. The guilt of last night had persisted and Johnny was frustrated with himself for feeling it. No matter how many times he told himself he hadn’t done anything wrong, he felt shitty about what had happened. He kept picturing Ryan’s face as he stared at Johnny after Carl had left. Shock and surprise, and poorly concealed hurt were written all over it.

He still hadn’t heard anything from Ryan by the time he got home. He thought about texting but he wasn’t sure what he should say. He didn’t need to explain or apologise, but he couldn’t help feeling the urge to contact Ryan and justify what he’d seen.

When Sid texted to ask him if he wanted to meet for a drink, Johnny accepted gratefully, glad of the distraction.

They met in a pub near Sid’s flat, where they always used to drink when they’d lived there together.

“No Ben tonight?” Johnny asked as they stood at the bar waiting to be served.

“No, he’s got an essay to finish. So you get me all to yourself.”

“For once.” Johnny grinned.

Sid and Ben were almost joined at the hip these days, but it was hard for Johnny to mind when his best friend was so obviously happy.

Once they’d been served they sat down with their drinks and caught up on each other’s news: jobs, families, and how they were getting on with their new living arrangements.

“It’s quite different being in a big shared house after the flat with you,” Johnny said. “But it’s okay. Two bathrooms between six people is a pain in the arse sometimes, and the kitchen can be chaotic at busy times, but it’s nice having more people around to hang with.”

“And you’re getting on okay with them all?” Sid asked.

“Yeah, they’re good guys. I’m still surrounded by couples though—not much of a change in that regard.” Johnny chuckled.

“You still having fun on Grindr? Got any new regulars?”

Johnny looked down at his cider for a moment so he didn’t need to meet Sid’s eyes. “No new regulars from Grindr, but I’ve been seeing a bit of Ryan. Remember him?”

Sid frowned for a moment before comprehension dawned. “Ryan from next door, who you got off with at Ben’s birthday party?”

Johnny nodded. “Yeah.”

“Wow, I thought that was just a one-off.”

“It was. But then we started something last weekend and have met a few times since.” Johnny picked at the label on his bottle, trying to sound casual.

“Nothing serious, I assume?” Sid knew Johnny well enough to know Johnny’s aversion to relationships. He understood why too. Johnny’s heart had been broken before they met at uni, but Johnny had eventually told him why he preferred to keep his distance emotionally. Sid had managed to slip through Johnny’s defences once they’d decided early on that they were better as friends than lovers. Sid was the only guy that Johnny truly trusted not to hurt him.

“No, just the usual. Fuck buddies. That’s how I like it.”

“So you’re both seeing other people?”

“Well, I am. I don’t think he is. But he could if he wanted to.”

That thought made Johnny imagine Ryan with other people. Ryan kissing a girl—or another guy—fucking someone else, letting them do the things he’d let Johnny do.

His stomach lurched.

What the hell? Johnny didn’t do jealousy. Not anymore. He’d given it up at the same time he’d stopped allowing himself to get close to people. If you didn’t trust people, or have expectations of them, then they couldn’t hurt you and that was how Johnny liked it. He’d never cared about people he fucked hooking up with other people—as long as they used condoms and tested regularly. Why was the idea of Ryan with someone else making his cider taste sour? Then he remembered the expression on Ryan’s face when he’d seen Johnny with Carl last night, and that made him feel even worse.

Something must have shown on Johnny’s face because Sid was looking at him intently. “Is Ryan okay with you seeing other people?”

“I don’t know. But he knows that’s the deal.” Ryan hadn’t looked very okay about it last night.

“Agreements can change. Maybe you should talk to him if you’re seeing each other regularly and find out how he feels.”

“There’s no way he wants a proper relationship,” Johnny said dismissively. “He’s only just realised he’s bi and he’s still mostly in the closet. He’s experimenting while he works things out. He’s not going to want to jump into something exclusive with me.” Johnny wondered whether he was trying to convince Sid or himself.

Sid looked sceptical. “Has he told you all this?”

“Sort of. Some of it. Some of it I’m extrapolating.”

“Maybe you should find out what he wants. It seems a bit unbalanced if you’re the only one shagging other people.”

“Yeah. Maybe.” Johnny took a swig of his drink. Done with this conversation, he changed the subject. “So, how’s cohabiting working out for you and Ben? Are you arguing about the washing up and whose turn it is to empty the bin yet?”

Back at home, Johnny turned over the conversation with Sid in his mind as he brushed his teeth and got ready for bed.

Sid’s point about it being unbalanced had struck home, shining a light on something that had been bothering Johnny but that he hadn’t been able to articulate. It made sense of his unexpected guilt over hooking up with Carl. Even if Ryan had agreed to them not being exclusive, that didn’t mean he was happy about it. Johnny hadn’t really given him much choice. He’d been the one to insist on no strings. Ryan had gone along with it, but that was last weekend and Johnny’s feelings about Ryan had changed since then with the amount of time they’d spent together. Maybe Ryan’s had too.

There was an intensity to their connection, an honesty and depth that didn’t feel compatible with fucking other people unless they were both completely happy with having an open relationship. If Johnny was honest with himself, he wasn’t happy with the idea of Ryan fucking around, so it was entirely possible that Ryan felt the same. But Johnny wasn’t sure he was ready to talk to Ryan about changing the boundaries, because the idea of something more serious was terrifying.

Johnny let out a sigh of frustration as he got into bed. This was why he didn’t like relationships. They were messy and complicated, and as soon as you let yourself start caring about another person there was the potential for being hurt—or for hurting someone else.

He turned off the light and curled onto his side. His bed felt big and empty, and it seemed like a long time since he’d seen Ryan even though it had only been a couple of days. His attachment to Ryan had crept up on him like a predator stalking unwary prey, and now Johnny was in its clutches it was too late to escape it. The gnawing ache in his chest scared him.

He didn’t like feeling this vulnerable. It would probably be best to get out before he got any deeper, but he couldn’t bring himself to finish things with Ryan.

On Sunday morning, Johnny was still unsure about what to do. He and Ryan needed to talk, but Johnny wasn’t sure what he wanted to say. Still mulling it over, he went downstairs to make coffee, only to find that some wanker had used the last of his milk and nobody else in the house had any either.

“Fuck’s sake.” He stamped upstairs to get dressed so he could nip out to the corner shop and buy some.

Once he was out, he realised it was a gorgeous day. At the end of the road, instead of turning right for the shop, he went left on an impulse and headed down through the town centre to pick up a takeaway coffee, then on towards Hoe Park. It was busy there today with dog walkers, joggers, kids on skateboards, old folk pottering, and parents out pushing prams and strollers. All the residents of Plymouth seemed to be out enjoying the spring sunshine and blue skies.

Johnny found an uninhabited bench and sat watching the world go by as he sipped his coffee, enjoying the warmth of the sun on his face. The sea glittered in the harbour, a deeper blue than the sky. One of the cross-channel ferries cut a swathe through the water, churning it up and leaving white wake behind.

Idly people-watching, Johnny’s attention was caught by a lone runner. Tall and broad, there was something familiar about the set of his shoulders, and as he got closer Johnny realised who it was.

Ryan.

The route he was taking would pass right by Johnny’s bench. Ryan had headphones in and was focused on the path in front of him, so Johnny stood and moved into Ryan’s path, heart beating hard as their gazes locked and surprised recognition registered on Ryan’s features. He stopped a few feet away, flushed, and panting. “Hey.” He took his headphones out of his ears.

“Hi.” Johnny tried to smile but his face felt stiff with nerves. “How are you?”

“Okay thanks. You?”

The awkwardness was painful as they stared at each other warily. Johnny was already regretting the impulse to catch Ryan’s attention. This chance meeting hadn’t given him time to plan what to say. He’d have to wing it. But at least it had saved him agonising over when to text, and what to type. “Not bad. You had a good weekend?”

Ryan shrugged. “Bit boring. Just revising yesterday, then I got up early to do more today. I needed a break, so here I am.” He gestured around them.

Deciding to draw attention to the elephant in the room rather than continue to ignore it, Johnny said, “You were out on Friday night though. Did you have a good night?”

There was a silence and Ryan shifted his weight uneasily from foot to foot.

“Yeah. It was okay. I just had a few beers with James then went back and played some video games. How about you? Did you have fun with that bloke?”

“I guess. It wasn’t the best…. Look, Ryan. I’m sorry if it was weird, seeing him and knowing….”

“Knowing you’d been fucking him.” A muscle flickered in Ryan’s jaw.

“Yeah. I was thinking maybe we should talk about—”

“There’s nothing to say,” Ryan said briskly. “We have an arrangement, I know you see other guys and that’s fine. It’s not like this is serious between us is it? It’s just fucking.”

Johnny searched Ryan’s face for uncertainty, but the shutters were down. There was no hint of the softness or intimacy that Johnny had glimpsed last time they were alone together. Maybe Johnny had imagined it. Well, if Ryan didn’t want anything more serious, then Johnny would keep his thoughts to himself. He’d try and deal with his feelings, and if that failed then he’d break it off with Ryan and move on.

“Right, okay then. As long as we’re both on the same page.”

“Yeah, yeah. Definitely. Look, I’d better finish my run. I’ll get stiff if I stop for too long. I can meet later—if you want? Could do with letting off some steam this evening.”

“Um, yeah,” Johnny said, not sure whether to feel relieved or disconcerted. “What time?”

“Eight.”

Relief won out. This was the best possible outcome. They could carry on as they were now Johnny knew exactly where he stood. “Okay. See you then.”