Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot….

Ryan’s feet pounded with the rhythm of the voice in his head as he ran back home.

Running as fast as he could in the opposite direction from Johnny seemed like a sensible solution to his current dilemma. What had started as something fun and uncomplicated had rapidly become something very different. Yet like a hapless moth burning itself on a flame, Ryan couldn’t stay away from Johnny even though he knew he was playing with fire.

Johnny had given him the perfect opportunity to be honest, and Ryan had bottled it. He should have told him that he wasn’t comfortable with him seeing other people. The trouble was, that even after spending way too much time thinking about it yesterday, Ryan still didn’t know what he really wanted from Johnny. Sure, he hated the thought of Johnny hooking up with other guys, but he couldn’t very well ask Johnny to stop unless he was prepared to give him a good reason.

Hey, Johnny, I only want to be your fuck buddy, but I don’t want you to fuck anyone else.

Ryan was pretty sure that wasn’t the usual deal with fuck buddies, and it made him sound like a selfish twat who wanted to have his cake and eat it—or worse, someone who wanted to keep the cake all to himself, but only eat the icing and waste the rest of it. But what else could Ryan offer? He wasn’t ready for an actual relationship with another guy. And even if he was, Johnny didn’t seem to want that either. Ryan had two choices: cut his losses and stop fucking around with Johnny, or stick with it and deal with his jealousy.

It wasn’t a hard choice to make. Option two meant he got to feed his Johnny addiction, so Ryan was going to give it a shot and try and make it work for now.

Determined to keep his feelings under a tight rein, Ryan turned up at Johnny’s a little after eight that evening. Johnny answered the door with a nervous smile. “Hi, want to come straight up?”

“Yeah.”

“How was the rest of your day?” Johnny asked as he led the way upstairs.

“Not bad thanks. Spent most of it studying again.”

Johnny opened the door to his room. “How long till your exams start now?”

“The week after next.”

“Wow. Not long then.”

“No.” Ryan’s gut clenched with nerves at the thought.

“Ready for some stress relief then?” Johnny raised his eyebrows, his grin more relaxed now.

“Yeah.” Ryan moved closer, hoping that physical contact would banish the last of the awkwardness between them. He reached for Johnny, pulling him into a kiss. Johnny kissed him back, and it felt good and right. The physical connection between them was easy and uncomplicated—chemistry, pure and simple. Ryan just needed to focus on that and enjoy it.

They started to undress each other, breaking the kiss as Ryan pulled Johnny’s T-shirt over his head and then stripped off his own.

“What do you want to do tonight?” Johnny asked, already flushed and breathless as Ryan grabbed his hips and tugged him close again.

“I want to fuck you,” Ryan said without hesitation. “Bend you over and stick my cock in your hole.” He wanted to get back to what he was comfortable with, being in control. “But first I want you to suck my dick for me.”

Johnny chuckled. “Sounds good.” He reached between them and rubbed Ryan’s erection through the sweatpants he was wearing. “I love sucking you, and I love it when you fuck me.” He kissed Ryan again, slow and deep, before dropping to his knees on the floor and grinning up at him. “Easy access.” He pulled Ryan’s sweatpants and underwear down in one swift movement so his cock sprang free. He licked the tip, and teased Ryan with kisses, his expression mischievous as Ryan tried to push into his mouth but missed.

“Fucking take it,” Ryan growled. He wrapped a hand around the base and put his other hand on the back of Johnny’s neck, holding him where he wanted him as he pushed against Johnny’s wet lips. “Like that.” Johnny parted his lips and let Ryan thrust into his mouth. He looked up through his lashes, passive and obedient as Ryan fucked his mouth deeper. “Now suck it. Yeah. Perfect.” Ryan tightened his fingers in Johnny’s hair at the sensation of Johnny’s throat tightening around him and the caress of his tongue.

Johnny hummed, his eyes closed as he focused on taking Ryan’s dick and pleasuring Ryan at the same time. Ryan let him do it until he started to get close to coming. Then he pulled out and rubbed his wet cock over Johnny’s lips, precome smearing and making them shine. Johnny smiled, trying to get Ryan’s cock back in his mouth but Ryan wouldn’t let him have it. “No. I need a break. Get up, and get naked.” He toed off his trainers and got his sweatpants and underwear all the way off while Johnny stood and stripped for him.

“Where do you want me?” Johnny asked.

“On your hands and knees on the bed.”

The bed creaked as Johnny got into position and Ryan moved in close behind him. Taking his cock in hand he guided it into Johnny’s crack and thrust a few times, passing over his hole in a dry slide. Johnny gasped and pressed back against him. “Lube and condoms are in the drawer by the bed now. I moved them for easy access.”

“Not ready for that yet.” Ryan licked his fingers and rubbed those over the puckered skin instead; making it wet so his cock could slide better. He wished he could just stick his cock into Johnny. He’d love to know what it would feel like to fuck him bare, to fill him up with come. He groaned at the thought, grinding hard into Johnny’s crack as more precome slicked the way.

Moving back, Ryan rubbed Johnny’s hole with his fingers again. “Hold yourself open for me.”

Johnny lay down, resting his head on the bed so he could reach back with both hands and part his arse cheeks. “Like that?”

“Oh fuck yes. You look so hot like that.”

“Like a little slut waiting for your cock?” Johnny said breathlessly. “Or your tongue?”

“Yeah.” Ryan’s balls drew up at his words. “You want my tongue in your arse?”

“Yes. You’re so good at that.”

Ryan grinned, leaning forward to lick Johnny’s hole. He teased him with light touches that made Johnny squirm and moan. “Oh yeah, that’s amazing. More.” Ryan kept going, and then added his fingers into the mix, first with spit, then pausing briefly to get the lube so he could go deeper.

“God, you look hot.” He watched as he slid his fingers in and out slowly, trying to rub over where Johnny’s prostate must be. He remembered how incredible it had felt when Johnny did this to him, and for a fleeting moment he wished he was on the receiving end.

“You gonna fuck me?” Johnny asked breathlessly.

“You want me to?”

“Yeah. Want your cock. Feels so good inside me.”

Ryan pulled out his fingers and picked up the condom. “Fuck,” he cursed, fingers slipping on the packet. “Open this for me.”

Johnny tore it and passed the condom back.

“Thanks.” Ryan rolled the rubber down his shaft and then added a little lube before lining himself up. He rubbed his cockhead over Johnny’s hole not using quite enough pressure to breach him.

Johnny groaned in frustration. “Fucking tease! Hurry up.” Chuckling, Ryan finally gave in and pushed deep inside making them both gasp as Johnny clenched around him with an “Oh-fuck-yesss!”

Ryan withdrew and thrust back in, probably more roughly than he should, but Johnny didn’t ask him to slow down or stop. He was moaning and murmuring words of encouragement. Having Ryan’s cock in him seemed to take him to new heights compared to Ryan’s fingers. Ryan wondered how different it felt. He supposed it depended on the dick, but most guys’ dicks were longer than their fingers. Johnny’s definitely was, even though he wasn’t as big as Ryan. Ryan found himself imagining how it might feel to have Johnny’s cock inside him, fucking him like this.

The thought of it sent a flash of heat through him, and he fucked Johnny faster and harder. “God. Feels good,” he muttered.

“Yeah.” Johnny dropped forward onto an elbow, reaching one hand beneath him to stroke himself. “Oh yeah. It really does.”

There was no conversation for a while, just the wet sounds of sex and ragged breathing with the occasional moan. Johnny jerked himself off slowly at first, but then he spread his legs a little wider making Ryan shift position slightly and suddenly he became frantic. “Oh fuck, yes. Don’t stop.” He moved his arm furiously. “Yeah, like that. You’re going to make me come.”

“Soon?” Ryan asked. Because he was right on the brink himself.

“Yeah.”

Ryan bit his lip, the pain giving him a few extra precious seconds as he pounded into Johnny. The bed was creaking and for a fleeting moment Ryan remembered they were in a house full of people and hadn’t put any music on to mask the sound. But then Johnny was moaning and clenching around his dick and they could have had a ticket-paying audience and Ryan wouldn’t have cared. He moaned too, giving into the incredible wave of sensation as orgasm overtook him and he came, cock pulsing as he emptied his balls into Johnny, wishing there wasn’t a condom between them.

They lay in a sweaty panting heap. Johnny flat on the bed with Ryan spread out on top of him. “Am I squashing you?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah, but I like it.”

Ryan kissed Johnny’s shoulder, then his cheek.

Johnny hummed and reached back to pat Ryan on the hip. “That was awesome.”

“Mmm.” Fucked out and contented, Ryan agreed. They were so good together.

As soon as his cock started to slip free, Ryan pulled out and dealt with the condom. Johnny moved when he did, and put his boxers and T-shirt back on so Ryan started to dress, not wanting to outstay his welcome this time and make things awkward again.

They stood, facing each other when Ryan was dressed. As soon as the sex was over, all the unspoken things in Ryan’s head seemed to be occupying space between them. When they were fucking, nothing else mattered. Their sexual connection was easy and solid, but the rest was a mess as far as Ryan was concerned. He wondered if Johnny felt it too, the emotional distance that opened up along with the physical as soon as they’d come. Ryan itched to reach for Johnny, to kiss him again, to smooth over the cracks by touching him. But they were done for tonight, and Ryan needed to leave. “When do you want to meet next?” he asked.

“Tuesday maybe, or Wednesday?” Johnny said.

“Tuesday,” Ryan replied quickly, and if he sounded too keen he didn’t give a fuck. He needed something to look forward to between all the studying he’d be doing.

“Cool. It will have to be later again because of work. Nine-ish?”

“That’s fine. See you then.” Ryan gave Johnny a chaste kiss on the cheek, wanting to hug him tightly, wishing he could stay longer.

When he got back to his place, Ryan found Ewan alone in the living room. He was sitting on the sofa with revision notes, but the TV was on and Ewan seemed to be more focused on an old episode of Friends than he was on his work.

“Multitasking?” Ryan asked, sitting down beside him.

“Yeah.” Ewan gave him a guilty grin. “God I’ll be glad when these exams are over. Have you been out? Not revising tonight?”

“Yeah, I just went next door for a bit.”

“How’s that going?” Ewan’s voice was casual, his gaze on the TV rather than Ryan.

Ryan sighed heavily. “I dunno really.”

Ewan turned to look at him then. “Not great? I thought you seemed a bit off on Friday night.”

“Yeah, sorry I was a bit pissy with you.”

“Well it’s none of my business, and I know I’m prone to being nosey, but if you want to talk then Uncle Ewan is always here for you.”

Ryan laughed. “I’m imagining you in a floral armchair in 1970s slacks like some kind of TV agony uncle.” He paused, turning serious again. Ewan might be nosey but he was a good listener and usually gave sound advice. “Actually, yeah. Maybe I could use your input. Not here though. My room?” He didn’t want to risk being overheard by the others.

“Okay.” Ewan turned the TV off and abandoned his notes on the coffee table.

Upstairs, Ryan shut the door behind them and they sat on the bed—Ryan leaning against the headboard while Ewan sat cross-legged at the foot.

“So, what’s up?” Ewan raised his eyebrows.

Feeling faintly foolish now he was faced with Ewan’s expectant face, Ryan wasn’t sure where to begin.

“Well… this thing with Johnny, it’s only supposed to be casual. But I think maybe I’m getting a bit attached to him. Like… it’s just sex, I mean that’s all we do together. We went on a sort of date once, but since then it’s purely fucking and fooling around. And we agreed that it wasn’t exclusive and I thought I was okay with that. But then on Friday night I saw another guy leaving his place and it was obviously a guy he’d hooked up with, and I didn’t like knowing he’d been with someone else.”

“Have you talked to him about it?”

“No.” Ryan sighed. “I thought about it but wasn’t sure what to say. He tried to bring it up too, but I shut him down and told him I’m fine with things as they are.”

“But you aren’t.”

“No. Not really.”

“Well you’re going to have to tell him that. Otherwise you’re just going to carry on feeling resentful if he carries on meeting other guys. If he doesn’t know how you feel then nothing’s going to change.”

“But I don’t think it’s fair for me to ask him to be exclusive.”

“Why not?” Ewan’s brows lowered in confusion. “It’s not unreasonable if you’re seeing someone regularly to suggest that. He might say no, and want to keep things casual, in which case you have to think again about whether you can handle it or not. But he might agree to giving it a try.”

“But I don’t want a relationship with him. I don’t think I’m ready for more than what we’re doing already.”

“Oh.” Understanding dawned. “So you only want to fuck him, not date him, or hang out with him, but you don’t want anyone else to have him?”

Ryan squirmed at the judgement on Ewan’s face. “Basically, yes.” Ryan flushed. “I know it sounds shitty, but that’s where I’m at with it. And wanting that already makes me a wanker, but at least I’m definitely not enough of a wanker to actually ask for that. That counts for something, right?”

Ewan rolled his eyes. “I suppose. And yeah, you can’t ask that unless you want Johnny to tell you where to stick it—and it won’t be inside him anymore.”

“Exactly.”

“Am I right in thinking that a big part of this is you not wanting to come out as bi?”

There was no way Ryan could wriggle away from the question when it was asked so directly. Cheeks flaming, he admitted, “Yeah. But you know I’m not homophobic. I’ve never had a problem with you and Dev, or any of the guys next door. I’ve always been an ally.”

“There’s more than one kind of homophobia,” Ewan said gently. “Internalised homophobia can be one of the biggest giants to fight.” There was sympathy on his face as Ewan added, “Ryan, if you’re bi, you’re not an ally. You’re one of us whether you like it or not. But only you can decide whether to step out of the closet, and only you can decide whether what you’ve got going on with Johnny is worth trying to hang on to.”

“I don’t think Johnny wants a relationship anyway.” Ryan deflected. Ewan’s words had hit home, but he’d deal with the fallout later. “He seems completely averse to commitment.”

Ewan shrugged. “Well, you won’t find out for sure unless you ask him.”

“I guess.”

They stared at each other, and there was nothing left to say.

“Okay, well I’ll leave you to work it out. If you want to talk again, you know where I am.” Ewan got up and stretched. “I’m going to bed now. Night, man.”

“Night,” Ryan replied. “Oh, and Ewan? Thanks. You’ve given me a lot to think about.”

“You’re welcome.”