The brain’s capacity for avoiding unpleasant thoughts was nothing short of a miracle, and was the only thing that got Ryan through the next few days. He buried his emotions and turned himself into a robot, going through the motions of self-care and study. Sleep, eat, revise, run. His days were ruthlessly organised with no time to spare on brooding. He thought he was doing a good job of acting like nothing was wrong, and at first he got away with it. Tied up with their own exam stress, his housemates were distracted, and their thoughts were turned inwards. But on the night before his first exam, Ryan went to the gym with Ewan in the evening, and on their way home they met Johnny in the street, obviously on his way out somewhere.

He looked breathtaking, blond hair tangled in a way that made Ryan want to twine his fingers into it, and eyes ringed with even more black eyeliner than usual. He was dressed all in black and the sight of his long legs made Ryan feel weak. With his phone in hand, Johnny only looked up when Ewan greeted him.

“Hi, Johnny. How’s things?”

“Not bad thanks.” Johnny’s gaze slid to Ryan.

Ryan gave an awkward nod. “Hey.”

Johnny’s phone chimed and he looked down at the screen again before pocketing it. There was an awkward silence. Ryan knew Ewan was expecting him to say something, but his tongue felt like it was coated in glue as he stared hopelessly at Johnny wondering where he was going and who he was on his way to meet.

“Off out? Alright for some,” Ewan said cheerfully. “Think of us poor final year students while you’re out having fun.”

“Oh I will,” Johnny replied, but his tone was tense rather than amused. “Don’t you worry. Better go. I’m late. See you around.”

“Have a drink for me.” Ewan patted Johnny on the shoulder as he passed on Ewan’s side, avoiding any contact with Ryan.

“Will do.”

Ryan resisted the urge to turn and watch him go.

“What the fuck, man?” Ewan asked as soon as they were inside. “What’s going on with you two? You spoke one word, and he’d barely look you in the eye.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Ryan walked to the kitchen, following the sound of voices. Nadia and Justine were in there cooking, and Ewan wouldn’t ask about Johnny while they were there. He poured himself a glass of water at the sink and downed it, the cool liquid doing nothing to soothe the churning ache in his gut.

When he turned Ewan was standing behind him, hands on hips, and determination written in the set of his jaw. He raised his eyebrows.

“I’m going to shower.” Ryan pushed past him.

But Ewan followed him upstairs. “What happened with Johnny?” he asked as soon as they were out of earshot of the kitchen. “Did you talk to him?”

Reaching the landing, Ryan wheeled around, pissed off with Ewan’s persistence. “I broke up with him, okay?” he snapped. “And like I said. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Ewan’s eyes widened and his face fell. “Shit.”

The anger left Ryan as quickly as it came, and he was suddenly overcome with bone-deep tiredness from pushing himself too hard physically and mentally. “Yeah. It is shit.” He sagged where he stood, shoulders slumping.

Ewan opened the door to Ryan’s room and gently guided him inside.

Ryan sat on the edge of his bed and leaned his elbows on his knees. He stared down at the carpet, eyes homing in on a slight stain where he’d spilled a cup of tea a few months ago. The mattress dipped and the bed creaked as Ewan sat beside him, then the warm weight of his hand landed between Ryan’s shoulder blades. “I’m sorry, man.”

Too exhausted to feel more than numb, Ryan sighed. “I’ll get over it. It’s not like it was serious. We’d only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks.”

“Sometimes that’s all it takes to get emotionally attached though. I should know. It didn’t take long with Dev.”

Maybe Ewan was trying to make him feel better, but the reminder of what he had with Dev only made Ryan feel worse. “Yeah, but Dev felt the same about you.”

“And Johnny doesn’t?”

“No.”

Ryan couldn’t be bothered to explain that he hadn’t even asked Johnny how he felt. It was obvious. Johnny had never wanted to be exclusive, he’d been seeking other hook ups while he was involved with Ryan. And now, while Ryan was nursing a heart that was bruised and battered—if not completely broken—Johnny was already out, presumably looking for his next conquest. Ryan had to accept that he was just another notch on Johnny’s bedpost and that was all he was ever going to be.

“That sucks.”

“Yep.” Ryan heaved a huge sigh and raised his head. “But it is what it is, and I have more important things to worry about. Like my first exam tomorrow. Speaking of which, I really should get showered, fed, and do a bit of last minute revision before I try and sleep. When’s your first exam?”

“Friday.” Ewan grimaced. “Mine are all quite close together, which is good in some ways. But I just want to get started now, the waiting sucks.” He stood and stretched. “Okay, man. I’ll leave you to it. I’m sorry things didn’t work out with Johnny though. But hey, at least you know you’re into guys as well as girls now. Self-discovery is never a bad thing.”

“Yeah.” Ryan managed a weak smile. “I guess it’s good to know I have options.”

* * *

“You look like someone pissed in your cornflakes this morning. What the hell is wrong with you?” Simon asked Johnny.

They were both on their lunchbreak. It was a bright, sunny day so they’d bought takeaway coffee and sandwiches and were sitting on a bench on the grassy, tree-lined space that ran down the centre of the shopping precinct.

Johnny shrugged. “I’m just tired. I was out late last night.” He’d been miserable for the past week, ever since Ryan had broken things off. He was doing his best to fuck Ryan out of his system but with no success at all. Hooking up with other guys only reinforced how different things had felt with Ryan. How much better. How richer the physical experience was when there was an emotional connection too.

“Did you have a good time?”

“Not really. I gave someone a blowjob in a club toilet but he fucked off as soon as he’d come. Selfish twat. If I’d known he wasn’t going to reciprocate I’d have at least had a wank while I blew him.”

“Oh I hate that,” Simon said.

Ryan had always taken care of Johnny, always made sure that he had as much fun as Ryan did. He remembered the sensation of Ryan’s mouth on his cock, his tongue on his arse, the thick thrust of him as he’d pressed kisses down Johnny’s spine. He sighed; frustrated arousal shot through with longing that was almost too much to bear.

He glanced sideways and realised Simon was studying him curiously. “You sure you’re just tired?”

“Yeah.” Johnny liked Simon, but they weren’t that close. Johnny wanted to preserve his image as the carefree Casanova. He was the one who broke hearts, not the other way around. The humiliation of being dumped was almost as bad as the pain. Maybe he should talk to someone though; dealing with it alone didn’t seem to be going too well. There was only one person Johnny was prepared to bare his soul to.

As he and Simon walked back to the shop after their lunch break, Johnny got out his phone and sent Sid a text:

Hey. I could use an ear. You free to meet up one evening?

Sid replied as Johnny and Simon reached their workplace: Tonight, or tomorrow?

The signal wasn’t always good indoors, so Johnny waved Simon ahead. “I’ll catch you up, just need to reply to this.”

Tonight’s good. Johnny didn’t want to go out and hook up again. Tea and sympathy from Sid sounded better than cider and non-reciprocal blowjobs from random strangers.

What do you want to do? My place? Your place? Go out for a drink?

Your place. Johnny wanted privacy for this conversation. Ben would probably be there, but that was okay. Ben might be a new friend rather than an old one like Sid, but he was a nice guy, kind, and a good listener.

Sure. Can you get here in time for dinner at 7ish? I promised Ben I’d make veggie fajitas and I can make enough for three.

Sounds lush. See you then.

It felt odd to Johnny, ringing the bell of the flat he used to live in with Sid. It was odder still to have Ben answer the door and invite Johnny into the place he used to call home.

“Hi, Johnny. Come in.” Ben greeted him with a handshake that Johnny turned into a one-armed hug by pulling Ben closer, bottles in the supermarket carrier in Johnny’s hand clinking against Ben’s back.

“Hey, Ben, how’s life in the love nest?” He smiled as he drew back.

Ben grinned, flushing. “It’s good thanks.”

“Haven’t got fed up with him yet then? Found out all his bad habits now you’re living together?”

“Nah. I can deal. Come on through, Sid’s busy cooking. What do you want to drink?”

“I brought some fruit cider.” Johnny held up the carrier bag. “I’ll have one of these.”

In the open plan kitchen/living area, the scent of spices and frying onions and garlic was thick in the air. Johnny’s mouth watered and he realised he’d hardly eaten today. He hadn’t had much of an appetite since he’d broken up with Ryan, but now the delicious scent made his stomach clench.

“Hey.” He went up to look over Sid’s shoulder. “That smells amazing.”

“Hi.” Sid put his wooden spoon down and turned to give Johnny a hug. “How are you?”

Johnny held on to him longer than he normally would. Sid’s friendly embrace was comforting, and Johnny badly needed comfort. It was a week to the day since Ryan had called things off, and Johnny still didn’t feel any better about it. He missed the contact with Ryan, the sex, the affection and closeness that had crept into their interactions. It wasn’t as if they’d ever got to the point of a real relationship, but Johnny hadn’t realised how much he’d been hoping for more until Ryan stripped that possibility away.

“Johnny?” Sid asked gently. “You okay?”

“Meh.” Johnny pulled away reluctantly. “I’ve been better.”

“Will cider help?” Ben offered him one of his bottles, now open.

“Maybe. Thanks.” Johnny took it.

“Are you ready for a drink now, babe?” Ben asked.

“Yeah, lager please.”

Ben got two bottles of San Miguel from the fridge and opened them for him and Sid.

Sid turned back to stir the onions and vegetables sizzling in a large pan. “So, what’s up?”

“Can we eat first?” Johnny asked. He didn’t want to ruin his newfound appetite by getting miserable thinking about Ryan. “I’ll tell you later.”

“Sure.”

“So, how are things with you? Is work going well? Saved any whales lately?” Johnny took a swig of his drink.

“Whales no, but I’m working on protecting some rare lichen.”

Johnny laughed. “I guess somebody has to do it.”

They talked about their jobs and Ben’s studies while Sid finished cooking. Then over dinner—which tasted as good as it smelled—they got onto the topic of movies for a while. Johnny tried to relax and enjoy the conversation and he mostly managed it. But he was aware that he was more subdued than was usual for him, and he kept catching Sid looking at him. Ryan was at the back of Johnny’s mind, a constant nagging itch that flared into a jolt of something more uncomfortable now and again.

Little things like Sid taking Ben’s hand and holding it on the table once they’d finished eating, and the affectionate glances they exchanged, made Johnny’s heart clench with an envy that was new. He’d never felt like this around happy couples before. After things had gone horribly awry with Craig, Johnny never wanted that kind of commitment again. Once he’d got over the pain of betrayal, he’d been relieved that he no longer craved that kind of attachment. He felt safe. With his no-strings barriers up nobody could hurt him. It wasn’t like he was lonely or unfulfilled. He enjoyed the casual one-offs and the few fuck buddies he shared something regular with for a while. He hadn’t noticed what he’d been missing until Ryan made him imagine what more might feel like. And now, with Sid and Ben’s happiness right under his nose, Johnny felt an ache of longing.

“Anyone want some ice cream?” Ben asked.

“Nah. I’m good thanks.” Johnny patted his stomach. He was full to bursting after a week of not eating enough.

“Not yet. I might have some later though.” Sid started gathering their plates, so Johnny helped him clear the table while Ben scooped himself out a generous portion of ice cream.

A fresh drink in his hand, Johnny took a seat in the armchair, leaving the sofa for Ben and Sid.

“So?” Sid raised his eyebrows. “What’s up?”

Johnny clutched the bottle in his hands tightly. “Ryan broke up with me.”

“Wait, what? I didn’t think you were dating him?” Sid frowned. “You said you were just fuck buddies. I didn’t think you were serious about him.”

“Dating, hooking up….” Johnny waved his free hand vaguely. “Whatever it was, it’s over now, and I feel shitty about it. So I guess I was more serious about him than I thought.”

“Did he finish it?” Ben asked.

“Yeah.” Johnny drew his knees up, curling into the comfort of the saggy armchair.

“I’m sorry. Did he say why?” Sid’s voice was sympathetic and it only made Johnny feel worse.

“That it was too much of a distraction. He’s got exams and stuff and we were seeing too much of each other.” Saying it aloud was painful, each word a twist of the knife. Johnny had spent the last four years making sure he would never feel disposable again, yet here he was. He was a fucking idiot and should have trusted his instincts and got out as soon as he started to have feelings for Ryan.

“That sucks. But maybe you can pick it up again once he’s through his exams?” Ben suggested.

Johnny gave a huff of bitter amusement. “I think that was just his way of letting me down gently. It was never going to turn into anything serious. He barely put more than a toe out of the closet. He was only experimenting with me, which is fine because that was the deal. It was supposed to just be sex for me too.”

“But you ended up wanting more.” Sid’s gaze was intent.

Johnny looked down at his bottle, reading the label without taking in the words. “Yeah. I guess.”

There was a long silence.

“You know what though,” Sid said cautiously. “You might be feeling like crap now, but actually maybe it’s not a bad thing that this happened.”

“Why?”

“Because you’ve been avoiding any kind of intimacy as long as I’ve known you, and it’s not healthy. You say you don’t care about relationships and you want to be single, but is that really true? I think you’re just scared of being hurt because of what that arsehole Craig did to you. So you haven’t let yourself fall for anyone since.”

Johnny couldn’t deny it was true. “Yeah, okay. So in an ideal world I suppose I would like a relationship. I see what you guys have and it makes me realise what I’m missing. But how is my unrequited crush on Ryan anything other than a bad thing? Feeling crap all over again is only going to make me more determined to avoid this in future. Being single might have its drawbacks, but at least it’s a steady state of being okay. It’s better than risking this every time I meet someone new.”

“It’s a good thing because it shows you’re capable of feeling like this.”

Johnny snorted. “What, before this you thought I was dead inside? I’m not broken, Sid. I’m just cynical and pessimistic as fuck when it comes to relationships. And I’m still not sure it’s worth getting on the rollercoaster. The highs might be great, but the lows are shitty.”

“I used to think that too,” Ben said. His voice sounded husky, and his cheeks flushed as they both turned to look at him. “For a long time I couldn’t imagine ever taking that risk. Being transgender, it just seemed like way too much hassle to even try to date; there was way too much potential for rejection. But I’m glad I took a chance.” He glanced sideways at Sid and gave a small smile. “The thing is, most people don’t get happy-ever-afters. That’s not how life works. Going into any relationship you always know that chances are it won’t last forever. People usually have more than one significant relationship in their life, and some have many. And break-ups are hard, but that doesn’t always mean the relationship wasn’t one worth having while it lasted. I don’t regret the relationship with my ex. He was important to me at the time, and I still have some good memories of that even though ultimately it didn’t work out.”

Johnny considered Ben’s words for a moment. “So you’re saying you reckon it’s better to have something than nothing?”

“Better to have loved and lost?” Sid chipped in. “Like the old saying goes.”

“Yeah.” Ben shrugged. “It’s a cliché maybe, but the old adages sometimes have some truth in them, and that one works for me. Even if it doesn’t work out with us long term, I can’t imagine ever regretting getting involved with you.” He let his gaze slide to Sid and smiled.

Sid reached for Ben’s hand and laced their fingers together.

“Yeah, well. Some relationships leave you with nothing but regret, though,” Johnny said bitterly. “I wish I’d never met Craig. The good times don’t outweigh how much he hurt me. And what about people who are abused by their partners? I bet they usually wish they’d run a mile in the opposite direction when they met.”

“Of course, I’m not saying every relationship is positive. Only that some are, even when they’re transient. And personally I still think it’s worth taking a chance in case it turns out to be amazing.” Ben squeezed Sid’s hand and Johnny felt it as an answering clench in his gut.

“Yeah. Maybe,” Johnny conceded. Deep down he knew that if Ryan had wanted more from him, Johnny would have taken that risk. And perhaps in the future, if he met someone else who made him want more, then he’d take that chance with them.

But first he had to get over Ryan.