Ryan didn’t sleep well.

Despite his physical exhaustion after the incredible orgasm he’d had from Johnny, sleep took a long time to come.

Unsettled yet weirdly exhilarated, he went over and over what had happened. At first he focused on the physical aspect of it, trying to come to terms with how unexpectedly enjoyable it had been to let someone do those things to him. That led to him wondering how it would feel to have Johnny’s cock inside him, and then he got horny imagining it.

But later, doubts and anxiety crept in. Things had been a little cool between them when they parted. Ryan flushed when he remembered falling asleep on Johnny. How embarrassing. That was crossing a line; no wonder things had been awkward after. Fuck buddies was one thing but sleeping together was quite another. He’d deliberately blown off Johnny’s attempts to make a plan for when to meet next, and now he regretted it. It was probably for the best if they cooled things off a little; this week had been intense. But Ryan couldn’t help craving more of Johnny.

His alarm dragged him out of a deep sleep at half past ten the next morning. Groggy and irritable, it took two cups of strong coffee to get him in the frame of mind for revision, and even then he found himself thinking about Johnny way more than he was comfortable with.

He sighed, glaring at the notes on his desk. Johnny was a distraction he couldn’t afford at the moment when his future was on the line. Perhaps Ryan should cut his losses and end things before they got more complicated? He’d got what he wanted; he’d explored his bi-curiosity and couldn’t deny what he’d discovered. Johnny had served his purpose and Ryan should get out before he got attached and made a fool of himself. Johnny had been very clear that he wasn’t interested in a relationship even if Ryan was—which he wasn’t. Much as he liked Johnny, and the sex was great, he wasn’t ready to deal with everything that a relationship with another guy would entail. Admitting his bisexuality to himself was one thing, but sharing it with the world was quite another.

Yet the thought of finishing things with Johnny made Ryan’s stomach feel as if it had rocks in it.

With sheer Herculean effort he pushed his troubled thoughts aside and forced himself to focus on work for a while with some success. He studied all afternoon until his head felt as if it was overflowing with facts, and only then did he let his mind turn back to Johnny. His body thrilled at the memory of Johnny’s touch and he flushed with mingled shame and desire at the sounds he’d made. How he’d begged for more—with his body if not with actual words—and Johnny had given him exactly what he’d needed.

Ryan’s fingers touched his phone before he consciously thought about what he was doing. He’d said that he’d text, though. And after seeing each other so much this week it didn’t seem unreasonable to get in touch today. Maybe Ryan had misread Johnny’s mood last night, and Johnny was waiting to hear from him.

Hey, how are you? He sent the message quickly before he could change his mind.

Johnny didn’t reply immediately, so Ryan put his phone aside and tried to carry on working but his concentration was shot now. He stretched, back cracking as he did so after hours of hunching over his notes and laptop. His phone sat blank and silent in front of him.

Deciding he desperately needed some exercise, which he’d neglected this week, he got up and looked out of the window. It was early evening and still light outside. Patches of blue sky showed through grey and white clouds. Opening the window, Ryan felt an April chill in the air, so he put a long sleeved compression top under a running shirt. He was scrolling on his phone for a playlist to get him in the running mood, when it buzzed in his hand and a message from Johnny flashed up:

Not bad thanks. You?

Ryan’s spirits lifted as he typed: Okay, bored of working. Going for a run. He hesitated a moment before adding: Wanna meet up later?

Johnny’s reply came back quickly: Sorry. Got plans already actually.

The answer was a sharp jab, deflating the balloon of happiness as fast as it had filled. Particularly because Johnny hadn’t suggested an alternative day to meet.

No worries, Ryan sent back. Then put his headphones in his ears, put his music on, and turned off notifications ready to run. Even if Johnny replied again he wanted some headspace for a while.

He wished he could turn off his thoughts as easily.

What’s Johnny doing? Where’s he going? Who’s he seeing?

The questions echoed in Ryan’s head in time with the beat of his trainers on the pavement as he ran. He muttered a curse. It was none of his business. He had no right to know how Johnny spent his time when they weren’t together. Johnny was a free agent and could do whatever the hell he liked in his spare time—as could Ryan.

Distraction that evening came in the form of James barging into Ryan’s room after dinner. Ryan was still half-heartedly trying to revise, with limited success.

“I’m so done with studying today. I can’t take any more,” James said dramatically. “Please come to the pub with me? I need to get out somewhere other than the library for my sanity.”

“Yeah, okay.” Ryan needed something to stop him thinking about Johnny and what he might be doing, and who he might be doing it with. Alcohol and company should help with that.

“Cool. You’re my saviour. I asked Colin too but he doesn’t want to go, and Justine and Nadia went to the cinema.”

“Ewan?” Ryan asked.

“Round at Dev’s for dinner. Just for a change.” James rolled his eyes, but in gentle amusement. They all knew Ewan was totally smitten and they’d given up trying to tease him about it. “Are you ready to go out soon?”

“Yeah. Give me five minutes to get out of sweatpants and into some jeans.”

They ended up at the Old Duke, unsurprisingly as it was the nearest decent pub. Of course, being there reminded Ryan of Johnny. His eyes strayed to the fruit ciders lined up in the fridge behind the bar and the heavy weight was back in his stomach again at the thought of what Johnny’s “plans” for tonight night involve.

It was busy tonight and there was a girl working behind the bar Ryan hadn’t seen in there before. He caught her eye and she gave him a quick nod and a smile, and came to serve them when she was done with her previous customer. Ryan ordered a pint of beer for himself. “And what do you want, man?” he asked James.

“A pint of lager. I’ll have the Stella please.”

Ryan paid for both drinks with a tenner. “Thanks,” he said as the girl placed the change in his hand.

She smiled. “You’re welcome.” She held his gaze just long enough to make Ryan wonder if she was showing more than a friendly interest.

As they carried their pints to a table, James nudged him. “I reckon you’re in there, mate. You should give her your number or ask her out, assuming you’re still into girls.” They took their seats. “How did it go with Johnny on Sunday anyway? I never got a chance to ask you.”

“It was okay.”

“Did you hook up with him again?” James sounded interested, not in a challenging way, but Ryan hesitated, cheeks heating. He didn’t want to lie, but didn’t want to discuss what was going on with Johnny. The pause and his flush must have given him away. “I’ll take that as a yes then. Seeing him again?”

Ryan flashed a guilty glance at James who grinned. “Yeah. We’re… fuck buddies. Nothing serious.” Hoping that was enough to satisfy James’s curiosity, Ryan turned the subject back to the girl at the bar. “So, you really reckon she fancies me?” Ryan looked back at the bar and caught the blonde’s eye again. She gave him another smile before turning back to her customer. “It’s hard to tell. She might just be being friendly.”

“She didn’t smile at me like that. She’s hot. You lucky bastard. Wish it was me she’d noticed,” James said glumly. “And you’ve already got someone to fuck. Life is so unfair.”

Ryan glanced over again. The girl was busy so he was able to study her without her noticing. She was attractive; tall and curvy with long fair hair that shone when the light caught it, and she had a lovely smile. As she looked up and spoke to the man she was serving, Ryan noticed the dark smoky liner that ringed her eyes and, just like that, Johnny was front and centre in his head again.

He picked up his pint and took a few generous glugs.

Fucking Johnny.

Maybe Ryan needed to remind himself that Johnny wasn’t the only person who could make him feel good. Next time he bought a round, he’d see if she still looked interested—and interesting.

By the third round, when it was Ryan’s turn to buy again, he was loosened up by the alcohol and feeling bold. He deliberately timed his approach hoping the girl would be free to serve him, and it worked out perfectly.

“Hi.” He gave her his most winning smile.

“Same again?” Soft pink lips parted as she grinned back.

“Yes please. You’ve got a good memory considering how many customers you’ve served tonight.”

She shrugged. “Goes with the territory.”

“What’s your name?”

“Kerry,” she replied. “Yours?”

“Ryan.”

“Nice to meet you, Ryan.” She grinned.

“Likewise.”

Ryan studied her as she pulled his pint, her eyes cast downward. Her lashes were thick and dark, probably not real but it was a good look on her. Her practised movements as she dealt with the pump were confident, and that was attractive to Ryan too. An image of Johnny flashed into his mind, dressed in black with his hair falling over one black-ringed eye.

He and Johnny weren’t exclusive. So there was nothing to stop Ryan chatting her up.

“You been working here long?” he asked. “I haven’t seen you here before.”

“No, only started a couple of weeks ago. I needed something to take the edge off my overdraft.” She started pouring James’s lager.

“You’re a student at the uni then?”

“Yeah.” Ryan was about to ask her what year and what subject, but she was already putting the drinks in front of him. “That’ll be seven-twenty please.”

He dug in his pocket for cash and gave her a tenner. When she came back with his change, he decided to go for it. “Can I buy you a drink sometime maybe? In a pub that you don’t work in?”

“Oh.” She flushed. “Thanks, but I have a boyfriend.” She lowered her voice a little and added, “If I didn’t then I would be interested. Just so you know….”

“It’s okay, don’t worry.” Ryan’s face burned. It was always awkward being rejected even if there was a good reason. “He’s a lucky guy.”

“Thank you.” Her smile was back, with a hint of regret as she handed him his change.

“No luck?” James said as Ryan sat down again. He’d been watching their exchange.

“Nah, she’s with someone.”

“She still liked you though.”

“Yeah,” Ryan admitted, his ego boosted despite the outcome.

He felt faintly relieved too. Although she was cute, he wasn’t sure how he’d have felt about starting something with her when it was a knee-jerk reaction to being insecure about Johnny. He was being ridiculous anyway. For all he knew, Johnny was out with a mate tonight. And even if he was hooking up, what did it matter to Ryan? It didn’t affect what they did together. If Johnny was able to keep his other hook ups separate then Ryan could too. It was just a different mindset he wasn’t used to, because with girlfriends, even casual ones, the expectation was usually that you focused on one person at a time. Ryan could handle it; he simply needed to stop obsessing about Johnny when he wasn’t with him and focus on other things instead—like James who had started talking to him about football, and Ryan had no idea what he was saying.

“Sorry, what? I was miles away.”

James rolled his eyes and started again.

They stayed for a fourth pint to even out the rounds, and by the time they walked home Ryan was pleasantly inebriated and feeling mellow and relaxed. Everything seemed better after a few drinks. His forthcoming exams felt manageable, he was excited about graduating and starting work, and was happy that he didn’t need to move away. James was staying in Plymouth next year too, and so was Ewan. Ryan was glad that some of his mates would be sticking around.

His thoughts drifted to Johnny again and he wondered how long their arrangement would last. Determined to make it work, Ryan thought that maybe after his exams were over he could make more effort to hook up with other people so that it would feel more even. If he couldn’t find girls who wanted no-strings sex, then he could probably find other guys to fuck. That wasn’t such a bad idea now he knew he was into that. There must be guys on hook up apps who’d be his type, pretty, feminine-looking guys who he’d like as much as Johnny.

It was a solid plan and Ryan was feeling much happier now he’d decided on it.

When they got back to the house James fumbled with his keys on the doorstep, trying and failing to get them into the lock.

“Hurry up,” Ryan grumbled.

“I can’t find the hole,” James said, and then he snorted. “That’s what she said. Or maybe he….”

Ryan chuckled. Then there was a jingle as James dropped his keys. “Oh for fuck’s sake.”

The front door of the neighbouring house opened, and a shaft of light spilled out as James scrabbled around. Ryan crouched down to help him.

“Thanks, sexy,” a deep voice said. “I’ll add you to my favourites in case you fancy a repeat.”

Ryan looked up to see a man step out of the house next door. He looked a little older than Ryan, maybe in his thirties, with short cropped hair, and a dark beard.

Ryan’s stomach lurched when he saw Johnny silhouetted in the doorway behind him. “Yeah, that was fun. Cheers,” Johnny said.

The man left, his footsteps heavy down the path.

Caught like a rabbit in headlights, Ryan stared at Johnny, his heart pounding, not wanting to be seen but unable to look away.

“Got the fuckers!” James said triumphantly, standing with his keys in his hand.

Johnny visibly started, putting a hand on his chest as he wheeled around. “Fuck, you made me jump.”

“Sorry,” James said. “Dropped my keys. Too much beer.”

Only then did Johnny’s gaze meet Ryan’s. Frozen, Ryan was still crouched on the ground like an idiot. He straightened up, legs wobbly from beer, and the adrenaline coursing through him. Until he’d seen it with his own eyes he hadn’t really believed Johnny was busy fucking someone else tonight. Now with the evidence in front of him, his imagination crystallised into cold reality, forming a lump of ice in his gut.

Knowing in theory that their arrangement was a casual, non-exclusive one was very different to seeing it in practice. Ryan had tried to convince himself that his relationship with Johnny was purely friends with benefits, no feelings involved, but his reaction to seeing Johnny with someone else brought that illusion crashing down. Suddenly Ryan had an awful lot of feelings about what was happening, and none of them were good. When he thought about the intimacy of their encounters, he felt sick imagining Johnny sharing that with another guy—with lots of other guys. Ryan had tried to tell himself that what he’d been doing with Johnny was just about sex, but now with painful clarity he realised it wasn’t, not for him anyway. It might be based on sexual attraction, but Ryan had made himself vulnerable mentally and emotionally as well as physically and that meant something to him.

Obviously it didn’t mean so much to Johnny.

“Good night then?” Johnny said casually. But a muscle clenched in his jaw.

Ryan couldn’t find the words to answer, but luckily James didn’t seem to notice the tension. “Yeah, few beers down the Old Duke. Always a good way to end the week,” he said cheerfully. “See you.” He stumbled inside.

Ryan tore his gaze away from Johnny and followed James, ignoring Johnny’s muttered, “Bye then.”

“Wanna play Call of Duty?” James asked. “I might have another beer too. I’ve worked hard all week. I can afford a hangover tomorrow.”

“Yeah.” More beer and video games sounded like an excellent plan. Ryan didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts at the moment.

Ryan lost track of time as they played. They had a couple more beers each, and it was only the gaming that stopped Ryan from drinking too fast. Johnny hovered at the edge of his consciousness but Ryan kept him at bay by ruthless focus on the game.

“Oh hey, guys.” Ewan and Dev came in to join them. They snuggled up together on the other sofa, Ewan scrolling on his phone as they talked quietly together.

Next time they reached a pause in the game, James put his controller down and yawned. “I’m done. Too tired to play.”

“Ah fuck, really? Anyone else want to join me?” Ryan asked, not ready to stop.

“No, I’m not in the mood for gaming. Can we put the telly on instead?” Ewan looked up from his phone. “There’s a film starting soon that we were hoping to watch.”

“Ugh.” Ryan huffed, frustrated. “I suppose so.”

“You sure?” Dev asked. “We can always record it.”

“No. It’s fine. Sorry. I was still in the gaming zone. Didn’t mean to sound pissy.”

“Thanks.” Ewan put his phone down on the coffee table and settled back on the sofa with his arm around Dev. Dev let his head drop on Ewan’s shoulder. He looked like he was ready for a nap rather than a movie. Ewan took Dev’s hand and linked their fingers together. Ryan watched as he squeezed Dev’s hand gently, and he felt a corresponding squeeze around his heart. Witnessing their happiness was an extra slap in the face after a shitty evening. When he tore his gaze away he saw Ewan watching him curiously.

Standing up quickly he said, “I’m heading to bed. Night all.” He left the room in a rush, going straight upstairs, and into the bathroom.

After he’d pissed and brushed his teeth Ryan let himself out to find Ewan waiting outside. “It’s all yours.” He stood aside, gesturing to the bathroom door.

“Are you okay?” Ewan asked.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Ryan scowled.

Ewan raised his eyebrows. “You tell me? Whatever, man. If you don’t want to talk about it….” He raised his hands and pushed past Ryan into the bathroom.

Ryan went into his room and stripped down to boxers and a T-shirt before getting into bed. Turning off the lamp, he lay in the darkness. His head was spinning a little from the alcohol. He was too tired and too drunk to think clearly now, but at least the booze would probably help him sleep. In the morning he’d try and sort out his tangled thoughts.