***
I breathed deeply, trying to settle my racing heart. I was still on the train, I still had time to prepare to meet Alex, I still had time to calm my nerves.
Only that my nerves didn’t want to calm down. The more I tried to think about relaxing, the more anxious I got.
“This isn’t working, I need coffee,” I decided and rummaged through my bag for the thermos Mum had prepared for me.
I took a sip and leaned back. I needed to think, I needed to find a way to deal with this.
The fact was that I knew Alex would get mad when he’d hear about my weekend trip. He would make sure to torture me in any way until Friday night; but this wasn’t the problem, I could get through that. As I had come to know him, I knew he will try to prevent me from going, regardless of the fact that I wanted to or that my mother had asked me to be there. He had no such scruples.
“Today is Wednesday,” I started strategizing. “Alex wants me to come by his place. I have to tell him, but how?”
I frowned, thinking really hard about my options, when another idea came to mind. “What if…?” Did I really need to tell him today? After all, there was plenty of time until Friday to do it, and there was no shortage of opportunities.
As the idea started to look more and more promising, I began to relax. I wasn’t doing anything bad, I wasn’t going to lie to him. It was only a matter of delaying the inevitable.
I smiled to myself, and reached for a book I had brought for the ride.
Mum’s selection of romantic stories offered a wide range of styles and could have satisfied even the most unromantic reader. The historical romance I had picked up, an easy read, kept me delightful company for the two-hour train ride and the short subway commute back to the campus.
My roommate was out when I arrived so I had the place to myself to get ready for my date with Alex. I was feeling so good about my ingenious solution, that I even had the energy to doll up for the date.
That energy lasted all evening and helped me get through an unexpected frat meeting that I had to attend with Alex, after which I was surprised to learn he wanted to take me out for dinner.
I felt good. I smiled, I joked, I made out with my boyfriend, then spent the night in his room. In the morning, I hurried back to my dorm and got ready for an early class.
Thursdays were always busy days. I had a lot of classes and club meetings to attend, this week was no different. Being so busy was fortunate because, as soon as, I got my first break, I started feeling anxious again.
Tomorrow I was leaving. I had already talked to one of my professors about missing his class in the afternoon, and was planning on packing a bag in the morning, before the only other class I had to attend.
But I still had to tell Alex. The fact that he had just sent me a text about the plans he had made for us for the weekend didn’t do anything to lessen my worries.
“Breathe,” I told myself, grasping the paper cup. “Breathe. Everything will be alright.”
It was a lie. Nothing would be alright. As soon as Alex found out about my trip, he’d make me suffer. I knew it and I feared it.
I closed my eyes and swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat.
There had to be a better way of dealing with this. Or maybe I should just man up and take whatever was coming my way.
“Hey, babe, aren’t you going to fill that?” I heard Sarah behind me. Her voice had startled me.
“Sorry,” I mumbled and fumbled with the small plastic tap. I hadn’t noticed how hard my hands were shaking until I had to struggle to keep the cup still under the tap.
“Hey, I just found out that my date won’t be free tomorrow night so my schedule is wide open. What do you say we go out?”
“I can’t, I leave at five.”
“Oh, that trip with your folks?”
I nodded. Then, I felt the overwhelming need to kiss Sarah for inspiring yet another idea for my situation.
“Hey, if you don’t have anything to do tomorrow, maybe you can join me and Alex for a coffee. Just before I leave, you know?” I said, hopeful.
“Protect you from Alex’s rage when he finds out you’re leaving for the weekend?”
I frowned, trying to contain the ice that was taking over my core. How did she know?
Her laugh didn’t make any sense.
“OMG, girl. You should see your face!”
“What?”
“Relax, I was joking. I’m not accusing your boyfriend. I’m sure he’s the nicest guy.”
I let out a long breath, relieved she didn’t know anything about my secret.
“Yeah, sure. You’re very funny,” I tried to chastise her, but my voice was shaky. “I’ll see you back at the dorm.” I needed to get away from her, away from anyone I knew. My nerves were wrecked by her innocent remark. If only she knew how much truth it held.
That evening, I pretended I was ill and went to bed early. I couldn’t sleep, but I didn’t come out of my bedroom until dawn. I was afraid Alex would call Sarah, as he often did, and check up on me. It was enough that I had a difficult task ahead, the prospect of upsetting him with my lie was not something I enjoyed.
Alex had classes all Friday morning, so I was fairly calm as I packed. Then, I tried to keep my mind occupied with reading. In the two hours left before my meeting with him, I managed to get a few weeks worth of course reading done. It didn’t make me feel any better, as my mind was too anxious to retain any of the information.
It was finally time. Sarah had agreed to meet me at the campus coffee shop ten minutes before Alex said he’d come. I was feeling confident about this. If Sarah was present, he wouldn’t attack me. He would be forced to contain his anger.
I had also set the meeting as close to my of departure as possible. After telling Alex, I would have to be on my way to catch the train.
“Everything will be fine,” I whispered and grabbed my nicely packed bag.
I locked the dorm room door and left. “Everything will be fine. Everything is in place, nothing bad will happen.” It was like a mantra I repeated as I walked to the coffee shop.
The bells hanging above the ornate door tinkled and the sound that usually brought a smile on my lips felt like an omen. I looked around myself and was displeased to discover the shop was empty. Alex’s sister, Maggie, who was working her shift today, waved at me with a smile.
“Hey,” I said and smiled back. “This is not good,” I thought.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. It was a text from Sarah.
“Sorry, babe. Gonna run a bit late, I bumped into my bf.”
A cold shiver ran down my spine. I looked up and saw Alex entering the coffee shop through the side door.
“Hey, little sis,” he said and started my way. He was smiling, but it didn’t fooled me, I was already starting to be more and more afraid. “Hey, babe.”
“Hi.” I forced myself to smile but I doubted it looked anything like what it was intended. Alex frowned. He was onto me.
“What's up?” he inquired. Then he looked down at my feet and saw the luggage behind me. “What’s that?”
“I… This weekend I’m taking a trip with my mother.”
“You are.” He wasn’t asking; it was a statement. It sounded like my sentence. I swallowed hard, grateful that Maggie was here. He wouldn’t hurt me if she could see, right?
His chuckle turned my core into ice. He looked up, somewhere over my shoulder, and said:
“Sis, can you give me a minute with my girlfriend?”
“Sure thing. I need to smoke anyway,” she said and stepped out from behind the counter.
“Please, don’t,” I whimpered, but she couldn’t hear me. She was already closing the door behind her.
“So, you’re leaving?” Alex started, walking slowly towards me. I backed away in rhythm with him, my eyes wide with fear. “I assume, since you have your bag with you, that you’re already on your way. Why do I only hear about this now?”
“I… Didn’t know about the trip until this morning,” I lied, trying hard not to cry.
“Really? And you didn’t tell me?” He was getting loud enough to scare me, but still impossible to hear from outside. “Why didn’t you ask me?”
“My mum asked me… Told me to come. I had no choice. Please, Alex, I had no choice,” I pleaded, my voice already choked up with tears.
“Please, what?” he growled. “She told you to come? So, what? I’m telling you to stay. You’re. Not. Going. Anywhere.”
“I have to. I need to go with my mother, I want to…”
I didn’t have time to finish my brave explanation. With lightning speed, he slapped the back of my head and sent me into the wall. My temple hit the wooden frame of a painting full force and stars sparkled before my eyes.
I tried to steady myself on my feet, which felt like they were turning into rubber, as the whirlpool in my head disoriented me.
“You want to? You don’t want anything, you want what I tell you to want,” he said through gritted teeth, as he approached me at a scary slow pace.
I was desperate to shake the blur filter that was stubbornly impeding my vision, I needed to get away from him. The noise in my ears didn’t help either. It felt like he was talking from all directions at once.
The next hit, probably a punch to my stomach, forced all the air out of my lungs and for a second I was unable to breathe. Good thing the pain cleared my vision and I could see again.
With the strength only fear could give me, I managed to get behind a table before Alex could hit me again. We circled the table slowly, like two animals in tandem, as he was calculating a way to get to me without damaging shop property. I had a feeling he had found it and would have beat me unconscious, judging by the look in his eyes, if Sarah hadn’t burst through the door at that exact moment.
“Heya, guys! Sorry I was late, Eva. So sorry, but you know my beau is busy tonight, so I took advantage of the break he got from… are you alright?”
I sucked in a quick breath as Alex came to my side. He wrapped one hand around my waist, pulling me tight towards him.
“She’s fine. Just a bit dizzy. She’s on a diet,” he explained before I could say anything.
“Really? Girl, you’re crazy. You don’t need any diet, you look nice.”
“That’s what I keep telling her,” he agreed and they shared a laugh. I managed to smile, more bitterly than I wanted to and decided this farce was over. I was leaving.
“I have to go,” I said, starting to pull away.
“But, haven't we decided you’re staying, babe?” Alex tried.
“No. I am leaving.” My tone was harsher than the situation required, which made Sarah raise her eyebrows in surprise, but I didn’t care. I would’ve done anything to get away from him.
“Suit yourself.” He was capitulating this round. I knew there would be consequences for this, dire ones, but I took my victory for now.
“Want me to come with?” Sarah asked.
“Yes. Let’s go.”
“What? No kiss?” she inquired, seeing that I was starting for the door. I grimaced in an attempt to smile, and turned back to Alex. His grin was perfect, you wouldn't have thought he wanted to kill me no more than five minutes ago.
He leaned in to kiss me, but whispered instead:
“You’re going to regret this.”
I clenched my teeth, the combination of his blow to the stomach and terrifying fear making me nauseous.