CHAPTER SEVEN
Candace
All I could think about was Ty. I couldn't wait to go over to his place the next day. Honestly, every time I thought about it, I got a little flutter in my stomach. I was excited! I was looking forward to hanging out with him and Justin, soaking up all their warm, positive energy.
In a way, it was kind of funny that I thought of this supposedly dangerous biker guy as "warm and positive" while my own mother felt like a stranger. As I lay in bed that night, somewhere between wide awake and completely exhausted, I thought about something I'd heard in group therapy years ago— something called "family of choice". It had never occurred to me before that even I could choose my family. I guess if I really could, I'd choose Ty and Justin as my family, whether I wound up dating Ty or not.
Whoa! Where did that come from? I had a boyfriend, I wasn't supposed to be thinking about dating someone else! But it was Ty floating through my mind at night, not Brad. Thinking about Brad made me feel kind of shaky and nauseated. Thinking about Ty made me feel warm and put a smile on my face. It wasn't supposed to be that way...
But it was.
***
The next morning I actually ate breakfast. I didn't eat to make my mom happy, I ate because I wanted to, because I knew that I'd feel good with Ty whether I was hungry or not, and frankly, being hungry isn't a whole lot of fun.
"You're chipper this morning," Dad observed over his orange juice.
"I guess so," I said with a little smile, sipping my coffee.
"Are you going to visit Nina?" Mom asked. "She called here, looking for you."
"Oh..." I wilted a little. Between the whole drama with Brad and all the excrement over Ty, I had completely forgotten about Nina. I felt like the worst friend in the world. I resolved to call her later and set up a time to meet. "No, just a... friend."
"Just a friend?" Mom smiled knowingly. "A friend with large biceps, perhaps?"
"Maybe," I said coyly. Actually, Ty was strong, but he wasn't really "big". He was kind of... wiry. Lean. Agile. Probably really good in bed—
"You're blushing, so I'm going to take that as 'yes'. No more Brad then?" The note of hope in her voice grated on my nerves but also resonated with me. That was not a good sign.
"I don't know," I sighed, and for once, I was being honest. "I... I'm really stressed with school right now, I'm trying not to make any, um... big decisions."
"Okay." Mom replied, shoving a forkful of eggs in her mouth.
After a late-ish breakfast, I went back up and got dressed. Usually, I was content to dress in a fairly casual, modest, somewhat girly style, but today, I felt kind of... daring. Ty was so rough around the edges, he reminded me of my old self— my crazy self. But in a good way. Before my life went to shit, I used to be this uninhibited, shameless flirt. I would choose the pushiest push-up bra, a low-cut red top, black jeans that were so tight I could hardly bend my knees, and red ballet flats. I felt sexy as hell. I would've worn heels, but that seemed a bit much for going to hang out in the middle of the day.
"You look nice," Mom said, the surprise in her voice only mildly offending me.
"Er... thanks," I said, pulling on my jacket. "I dunno when I'll be back."
"Okay, have a good time."
I walked to Ty's place and by the time I knocked on his door, I was shivering. The temperamental March weather was treating us to a winter day. Still, I unzipped my jacket while I waited so that Ty would immediately get the full impact of my outfit. The door swung open and I got a deep satisfaction out of the stunned look on his face as he stared at my boobs and legs. Usually, I hated being ogled, but for some reason, being looked at like that by Ty just started a fire between my legs.
"Can I come in?" I asked when he was silent for a few moments.
"Oh— yeah, sorry, of course," he said, blinking rapidly and shaking his head. "Red's a good color on you."
"Holy shit!" Justin exclaimed as he rolled past the front door.
"Hi Justin," I said as I took off my jacket.
"You look hot," he said.
"Why thank you," I said, trying to sound more modest than I felt. I noticed that I was having a much easier time understanding his struggling speech this time, hopefully, Ty wouldn't have to translate as much today. "So... you need help baking a cake?"
"Um... yeah." Ty looked genuinely embarrassed, digging his toes into the carpet. "Tomorrow's her birthday and she's gonna have a bunch of friends over, but I wanted to surprise her tonight cause I won't be able to make it tomorrow. Usually, we just buy a cake, but money's really tight this year."
"That's really sweet of you, Ty," I said, my face about to split from smiling so hard. "Well, let's get to it!"
"All right, here—" Ty led me to the kitchen and began opening cabinets, showing me what they had on hand. "I don't even know what you need..."
"Lucky for you, I'm an excellent baker." I didn't bother telling him, though, that I used to bake cookies for my friends and family and not eat any myself because it made me feel powerful and in control of my body. "I'm a little out of practice, but I think we can manage. Hm..." I browsed the cabinets, taking stock of the ingredients. "Do you have butter and eggs?"
"Uh... yeah, I think so." He opened the fridge and fetched the items in question, setting them on the counter. I laughed and picked up the "butter."
"Honey, this is margarine."
"Huh?"
"It's not the same with... well, never mind. Do you have, like, coconut oil? Crisco?"
"Crisco, yeah." He opened a cabinet. "Here."
Before long, we got a decent sponge cake batter going. Ty didn't really do much in terms of helping me bake, but he seemed content to hang around and keep me company, which was just fine by me. The way he talked to me made me feel like I was his equal. The way he looked at me made me feel wanted. He made me feel so good, just by being himself. I could probably get into plenty of trouble with him if I wasn't careful.
Fuck being careful, said my old self.
I brought the bowl of batter over to him. "You wanna taste?"
"Sure." He dipped his finger in the batter and licked it off. "Mm, Candy, you're not fuckin' around. That's delicious."
"Let me taste," I said, dipping my finger in the batter and licking it off as suggestively as I possibly could. "Mm-hm. You're right, it is good."
We got the cake in the oven and played some weird video game with Justin. I had never really been much of a gamer, but I could tell these two had been playing it for ages. Justin was actually pretty damn good at it, even though it looked like he was just twitching aimlessly. I guess he had figured out how to twitch in a more controlled manner because he beat the crap out of both of us. It was fun, though, and my cheeks hurt from laughing and smiling so much when the cake came out of the oven.I set them aside to cool, then got to work on the frosting. Ty was leaning against the wall, texting, but I wanted him to taste it, so, in a move of unprecedented boldness, I swiped my finger through the frosting and sauntered over to him. I stuck it right under his nose.
He looked up from his phone at me in surprise, then glanced at my finger, unsure.
"Taste it for me?" I said, sounding a lot less nervous than I actually felt.
He looked from me to the frosting, then back, then he wrapped his hand around mine. My heart sped up. His hands were cool, his palms rough and yet, his touch was incredibly gentle. He locked eyes with me as he put my finger between his lips. He ate the frosting, licked my skin clean and then gave the pad of my finger a delicate, little kiss.
"It's real good," he said softly, still holding my hand. I brought my other hand to rest on his shoulder.
"Is it?" I asked, breathless.
"Yep."
"Good, I was worried I had forgotten how to—"
He cut off my sentence with a kiss. I could hardly believe how gentle he was with me, with his leather jacket, scarred eyebrow and constant f-bombs. You'd think he would be rough, but he held me as if I was made of glass, his lips soft and warm against mine. He didn't force his jaw into me the way most guys did, I didn't feel his teeth or gums, his fingertips didn't dig into my body; he kissed me like a warm spring breeze. I shivered, leaning into the kiss with a faint sigh. He let go of my wrist and pressed my hand to his chest, wrapping his arm around me. My fingers curled to grip his shirt as I opened my mouth against his, brushing my tongue against his lips. He kissed me even deeper, my body melting into his as he leaned against the wall. He was practically holding me up at this point, the kisses gradually subsiding as our foreheads rested against one another. We were both shaking, a warm and wet feeling spreading between my legs.
"I've wanted to do that for ages," he whispered.
"Is there anything else you want to do?" I murmured, kissing the spot between his brows.
"Do you want to...?" He couldn't even bring himself to ask the whole question. He looked... almost... scared. It was the cutest damn thing I had ever seen.
"Yes," I breathed, "very much so."
Without another second's hesitation, he lifted me into his arms, carrying me bridal style. I held on to him, kissing his cheek and neck as he carried me into to his bedroom. He lay me down on the bed as he shut and locked the door behind him. He shrugged off his jacket, and I expected him to get completely naked, but... he didn't. He came over to the bed and straddled me, wrapping his strong arms around me, and resumed with his gentle kisses, which grew more intense and insistent by the second. My hands rested lightly on his shoulders and for a long time, all we did was make out. All I needed from Ty was kissing, and my pussy was already quivering with desire. It felt so nice to just... enjoy each other. Take our time. There was no reason to rush, and there was something strangely erotic about being so intensely aroused by someone while we were both still fully clothed. Every now and again, he would just pause and look down at me with his stormy gray eyes and tenderly run his hand down the side of my face. I just about wept as he did. I felt so wanted, so safe— it was a feeling I had never had before, I'd never even known it was possible.
Soon, my leg was wrapped around his waist, and I could feel his erection straining against his jeans. A shiver of desire ran up my spine as I unbuttoned his fly, slipping my hand down his boxers. He was kissing my neck, and I could feel his breath change as my fingers brushed the soft, warm skin at the base of his dick. I pressed one hand to the back of his head, curling my fingers through his short, ginger-red hair. I wrapped my fingers around his length, letting myself get more aroused by the feel of his hardness in my hand, gasping in pleasant surprise when his hips bucked into my touch. There was something endearingly fragile about him as he froze, trembling, waiting for one of us to make the next move.
I gave his dick a few gentle caresses as best I could within the confines of his underwear and then kissed him, removing my hand so that I could slide off my pants and panties. Wearing nothing but a blouse, I started pawing at Ty's shirt. He helped me off with it before removing his trousers and underwear. He didn’t seem to insist on undressing me completely, and I was glad about that because I had a laundry list of hang-ups about my body, especially my boobs and stomach. Once I knew him better and trusted him more, I would get completely naked with him, but it meant a lot to me that, for now, he didn't seem to mind my keeping my shirt on.
In fact, he hardly seemed to notice, as he bent down and resumed kissing my neck, collarbone, and lips. I moaned a little, amazed by how good it felt. No man had ever made me feel this comfortable, no man had ever gotten me so turned on in such a short time. Ty was a dream come true, such that I didn't flinch or even jump when his thick, strong fingers grazed my pussy lips. I moaned again and pressed my forehead into his shoulder. He spent a moment just running his fingers over my slit, teasing me, preparing me for the moment when he finally penetrated me, making a slow but direct line straight to my clit. I let out a shaking whimper and my legs and toes curled up reflexively as he petted my clit and nuzzled my face.
I couldn't remember the last man who had made me feel this goddamn good. It felt nice to be with Ty all the time, but I had always known sex to be kind of... one-sided. I didn't think it was possible for a man to make me feel like this at all, the thought had never occurred to me that sex was supposed to be as good for me as it was for the guy I was with. With Brad and every other guy I'd ever slept with, it was pretty much just... some shitty foreplay, stripping naked all at once, fuck me however he wanted until he came, then roll over and go to sleep. The fucking part was usually pretty fun, but I never got anywhere close to orgasming. I didn't think it was possible for me to cum during penetrative sex, like... I thought I could only do it by touching myself. But the way Ty was touching me, with just a single warm, rough finger, rubbing all over my clit, I would be cumming in no time. I threw my arm around his neck and held on. Involuntarily, I was making all kinds of shocked, pleasurable little noises; gasping, whimpering and moaning, right in his ear. He didn't seem to mind that I had all but forgotten about touching his dick because my brain was exploding with pleasure and coherent thought was impossible.
I was right on the edge of orgasm. My pussy was quivering in warning and I gasped to Ty, "I'm gonna cum!"
"Do you want to cum now?"
I stared at him, confused by the question because no man had ever asked me what I wanted in bed. I thought about it for a second, his hand resting against my lower abdomen as I shook my head. "I want you to fuck me?" I felt like I had to phrase it as a question to avoid sounding bossy. And then, something magical happened: Ty smiled. It was a small, fleeting thing, but his lips pulled back and I got a glimpse of his teeth. His smile made my heart feel like it was being squeezed by an invisible hand.
"Okay," he said, gently removing his hand from my slit. He braced himself with an arm on either side of me as he positioned his hips, and I gladly reached down and guided his dick to my pussy. He lowered his hips and I let out a strange, strangled noise as his length stretched and filled me. I was already so close to orgasm but not over the edge just yet. My mind was quickly being flooded with this sexual ecstasy I had never dreamed possible.
"Are you okay?" he whispered, touching my cheek. "We can stop—"
"No!" I managed to gasp. "You feel amazing, Ty, I've never... been with a guy like you before."
Ty said nothing, and instead bent down and kissed my neck while slowly moving his hips, plunging deeper inside me. I arched my back, my moans escalating to a silent, voiceless scream as we got into a rhythm, so slow and sensuous that I could feel every inch of him inside me. I could feel every ridge, every vein, every curve, moving out and pressing against my g-spot and then sliding back in, making me grunt and gasp in a pleasure so intense that it was almost painful.
Apparently, Ty was just as aroused as me, because it only took a few minutes of this slow, gentle fucking before he came inside me with a deep sigh and a satisfied grunt. I was exhausted from being aroused for so long, but I hadn't cum yet, so Ty stayed inside of me while he went soft, my pussy pulsing around him. As he reached down with his fingers to tease my clit, my head sunk into the pillow and I shut my eyes, moaning his name from the bottom of my lungs until I came with an almighty shudder, my legs twitching and jerking as my orgasm throbbed and faded.
"Holy. Fucking. Shit." I wrapped my arms around Ty's shoulders as he lay down on top of me, still inside of me, my legs around his hips. I kissed the side of his face, feeling weak and sleepy. "That was so fucking good."
"Yeah," Ty agreed, kissing my temple. "I'm glad it was good for you."
"Are you for real?" I asked, incredulous that a man could be so considerate of a woman's pleasure! It was unheard of, as far as I knew.
"Huh?"
"I'm just... not used to... well, I mean... I've never... I've never had an orgasm with a guy before."
Ty looked at me curiously. "Are you okay?"
I struggled to summon some words. "I've never been with a guy who took such good care of me. I mean, I don't think Brad even knows where the clitoris is. And you're so... sweet, and gentle... you make me feel so... I feel safe with you, Ty, and— Ty!" My jaw dropped as Ty bent his head, his face painted with emotion, and I could have sworn he was crying as he buried his face in the pillow beside my head. My heart wrenched as I wrapped my arms around his body. He trembled and wept, struggling to regain control. I was at a loss again, and it felt wrong to try to say anything, so I just held his strong, muscular body in my arms as he cried. I rubbed my hand soothingly across his naked back and kissed his neck, but this only made him weep harder. It was a little unsettling to see the stoic Ty break down like this right after we'd just had the most amazing sex of my life, but I couldn't help but feel protective of him. I felt bad for him. He wept with such pain, such intensity, even though he restrained himself as best he could, his face was flushed and he was hiccuping with sobs. I caressed the back of his head and his arms tightened around me. Suddenly he wasn't just weeping near me, he wept into me, clinging to me, shaking, his tears warm as they soaked my skin.
At last, his sobs abated, leaving him panting and stricken. At last, I gathered the courage to ask, "Sweetheart, what's wrong?"
"I'm sorry," he said thickly, grabbing a tissue off the nightstand to wipe his face and nose. His cheeks burned with shame. He started to climb off me, trying to get off the bed, but I stopped him, holding his arms in place. He looked away from me in shame, desperate to escape and yet, unwilling to fight me. "Sorry," he mumbled, "that was— that was so—"
"It was vulnerable," I said, cupping his face in my hand. "Vulnerability doesn't scare me, Ty. What's bothering you, babe? Whatever it is, you can tell me, it won't leave this room. I just want you to feel better. I can tell you've been holding something in for a long time."
My heart twinged as Ty's chin quivered a little, his body threatening to betray him into weeping again. This time, however, Ty won the struggle, though his eyes still shined with unshed tears. He slowly pulled away from, as we'd been entwined this whole time, and lay down on the bed, gathering the covers in his hand. He motioned for me to lay with him, and my head pillowed on his chest with both his strong arms cradling me. I could hear his heartbeat, fast and erratic, as he sorted through his own tangled thoughts and feelings, trying to figure out what he wanted to say. At last, he drew a deep breath and let it out in a tremulous sigh.
"I haven't... I haven't been with a girl since— I mean, I have, but not like with you— since..." Ty closed his eyes to maintain his composure. "It's hard to talk about, Candy. I don't do feelings."
"You can do feelings with me," I said gently, running my hand over his reassuringly solid pecs and abs. "I'm not going anywhere, babe."
Almost as if it were just waiting for permission, the dam that held everything back, that made Ty's unflappable stoicism possible, broke. In a rush of breath he said, "I loved a girl, we were together for three years, we were practically married, but never officially, ya know? She was real small and frail, like you and you remind me of her so much, but I was a different person back then. This was years ago, I drank too much all the time, and I used to fly off the handle at her sometimes and I never hit her, but I would yell sometimes and be mean and she would cry, and I felt like a fuckin' monster. But I was outta control, ya know, with the booze, so when you said you feel safe—" Ty choked and shut his eyes tight. I could tell he wasn't finished, so I let the silence stretch on.
"She died because of me," he whispered after a while. "I... I couldn't keep her safe. I was drunk. She got into a fight with a guy from the Wildcats and I shoulda stopped her, ya know, I shoulda been there for her and I shoulda stabbed the guy before he got to her, but she pulled her knife on him. She was tiny, but she was a fuckin' little spitfire and she wasn't scared of anything. This guy was three times her size, but she fought him all the same, in my own goddamn bar. I was right there, I was right there, passed out in a corner, pissing myself, and when I woke up she was lyin' on the floor—" He choked again and sat up abruptly, covering his face with his hands. I sat beside him, keeping my arm around his shoulders, practically holding my breath as he continued. "I was too drunk to know she was hurt so bad. He'd knocked her out, pistol-whipped her all over her skull. I-I—... I thought maybe she was drunk, too, but I found out later she had a bad concussion. She was in a lotta pain. She woke up, and I took her home and gave her a couple shots of vodka. We went to bed and passed out together and in the morning—" His voice rose and cracked. He shuddered. "Dead. Right next to me in bed."
"Oh, Ty," I whispered, rubbing his back, "I'm so sorry..."
"Shoulda been me that died," he muttered, burying his face in his arms. "The pillow had turned pink cause her brain fluid leaked out her nose during the night. Mixed with a little blood."
"Jesus..."
"I coulda saved her, if I wasn't such a fuckin' drunk-ass loser—"
"It wasn't your fault—" I started to say, but he snarled at me and jerked away from my touch.
"You don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about! I practically murdered her! She died right beside me and I didn't even know it, I didn't even know, she was dead for hours—" His voice cracked again and he went quiet, drawing sharp, shuddering breaths, too exhausted, and too hurt, to even cry anymore. I gave him a minute, but then, stubbornly, put my arm around him again. He flinched but didn't pull away. I planted a kiss on his naked shoulder. We sat that way for a moment before I pulled him into a hug. He resisted me, but only to a point. I held him tight in my arms, speechless, kissing his hair to reassure him that I still cared for him. Eventually, we laid down together. I felt horrible for Ty, I empathized with the guilt he was carrying and I wished there was something I could do to make him feel better. But what in the hell could I do or even say? His girlfriend died beside him in bed and he blamed himself. Badly. Healing from that kind of pain was going to be an inside job on Ty's part, and all I could do was be there for him however I could.
"Candy... sorry I broke down like that," he said after a while, taking my hand. He kissed my knuckles.
"You have nothing to be sorry for," I said softly, looking up at his anguished face. I cupped his cheek earnestly. "I hear your pain, honey. I really do. I've never been through anything like that, but I've done some bad things myself. It's okay. Before I knew any of what you just told me, I knew that you're a good man who loves and cares for his family so much... I wish you could see yourself how I see you."
"You don't know a damn thing about me," Ty muttered. "You have no idea what the guilt is like."
"I might have more of a clue than you think," I said, suddenly feeling a bit defensive that Ty was trying to write me off. I knew it had nothing to do with me, but I was feeling pretty vulnerable, too, and it occurred to me, somewhere in my mind that if I shared some of my story with him, he might feel better. That was how it worked in my recovery group, anyway.
"What do you mean?" He looked down at me with an unreadable expression. "You kill somebody?"
"Well, no," I said, mentally adding Neither did you, but I didn't want to upset him again by arguing. "But... I was... troubled, for many years. I hurt a lot of people who didn't deserve it."
"Oh." Ty pursed his lips. "What happened?"
"Well..."