sleeping in the recliner last night had not been the plan, and my body was paying for it now. After using the restroom, I jumped in the shower. As I washed, I was kind of hoping Hannah would try to join me, but she hadn’t yet. I knew what I said had hurt her a little, but that wasn’t my intention. I’d said it without thinking, but it was true.
Amy didn’t stay with me every night we were together. She even told me no when I’d ask sometimes. I didn’t pout or plead. She had her reasons. We didn’t need to be together twenty four-seven even though we were still learning more about each other every day.
But with Hannah, I knew everything about that girl. How could I not after twenty years of friendship? At first, her sleeping over didn’t feel like a big deal. Staying with each other like this was just the next step, right? Even though we just got together.
But I needed my space. She’d eventually need hers too.
The Hannah I knew wasn’t needy. From what I’d seen in her past relationships, she was a little less independent than I’d have liked, but I wouldn’t say she was clingy. Not until we got together. It was almost like she was afraid if we weren’t spending every single free minute together, I’d disappear. I needed to reassure her.
The sound of the bathroom door opening drew me from my thoughts, and my body stilled. Maybe she was hoping to join me after all.
“Marcus?”
I rolled my eyes. Who else would it be in here?
“I was just seeing where you were. I called from the living room, but you didn’t answer.”
I sighed quietly. She was upset, though I wasn’t sure if it was from what I’d said before or something else.
“I just wanted to grab a quick shower,” I said.
“Okay.”
I could see her form leaving the bathroom through the hazy glass of the shower door. She sounded defeated. I didn’t know how to deal with her mood changes lately, but I didn’t want to see her upset.
“Hey, I was going to the gym when I got out to finish some paperwork. Wanna come?” I asked.
She stopped and turned back to the shower. “Yeah. Sounds fun.” Happiness was returning to her voice now.
“Okay. Be out in a few.”
By the way she floated out of the door, I didn’t think that dismissal sounded as obvious as it did in my head. I laid my forehead against the tile under the showerhead and sighed. I had planned on going to the gym for a little time to myself. Work wasn’t getting done during the week, and it was a good enough of an excuse to get out of the house and away from Hannah. But I was a sucker, apparently.
I never wanted to hurt Hannah. I wanted her to be happy, but at what sacrifice from me?
tuesday night, i sat on Chad’s couch, a cold beer in my hand while he mindlessly flipped through the T.V. channels. I was back to being a coward. Yes, Chad and I needed some guy time lately, but that wasn’t the only reason I was here. Luckily, Chad knew the extent of it and was willing to let me hide out.
Things with Hannah had…hit a stand still. I still loved her, and I loved being around her, but the change between us caused more strain that I could have imagined. She was always at the house, always planning the next fun thing for us to do. Before we were officially together, we didn’t even hang out this much. She’d spent every single night at my house since the day we got together.
Plus, I had a feeling she was using sex to keep my mind off the fact that she completely invaded my life. No, scratch that. I knew she was doing that. It hadn’t even been two weeks. Sure, the sex was pretty fantastic, and I hated to complain about it, but it was almost every time we were together. I can only remember one night we didn’t have sex, and she woke me up the next morning with a blow job.
I seriously had no idea Hannah was that insatiable.
It should have been a turn on. Hell, it was at first. But the clingier she seemed to get, the more sex we had. I swear I was going to start chafing soon.
“Has Hannah texted you yet?” Chad asked.
I looked at my phone to see since I’d turned it on silent and snorted uncomfortably.
“Only about five times,” I groaned, tossing my phone beside me on the couch without reading any of the texts. “How big of an asshole am I?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know, but you need to tell her. Otherwise, you’re a bigger asshole than you thought.”
“I don’t want to hurt her,” I said truthfully. As annoying as she may be right now, I wasn’t about to bring her down.
“Does this have anything to do with Amy?” He looked at me.
I frowned in confusion. “How would this have anything to do with Amy?”
“Maybe you’re being critical of Hannah’s behavior because deep down, you’d rather be with Amy.”
I took a pull of my beer. I’d been trying so hard to overlook Hannah and her need to be around me all the time, hoping she would eventually realize that I wasn’t just going to vanish into thin air, and then I wouldn’t feel as overwhelmed. Now that I thought about it, she’d always been like this really. I had just been too blind to see it.
“No.” I sighed, shaking my head. “What’s bad is I know she isn’t really acting any different than before.”
“Then what’s the problem?” he asked.
“Me, I guess.” I shrugged and leaned forwards, resting my elbows on my knees as I set my beer on the table.
What Chad had said while we were at the amusement park a couple months ago stuck out in my mind. Kind of cute? I think you mean since it's Hannah being annoying and excited about coming to an amusement park she's been to a million and one times it's cute. Otherwise, it would just be annoying, right?
Had I really always been that blind?
Fuck. I guessed I had.
“Dammit,” I groaned and leaned back. “How could I not have noticed this before?”
Chad laughed, and I glared at him. “Because you were in love. You are in love. No one said it would be easy,” he repeated his words from the other day.
“Who the fuck are you and what did you do with Chad?” I laughed. “You’ve been giving out some pretty insightful advice lately.”
He laughed again.
“Devon got ahold of you by the balls now, does she?” I smirked.
He flipped me off. “Look, I’m just saying, we all have faults, right? You know Hannah isn’t dumb enough to find every little thing you do endearing. You probably do stuff she hates too.”
I nodded, hoping he was right so I wouldn’t feel like such an ass.
“I do think you being friends with Amy is only going to hurt your relationship with Hannah, though.”
“What?” I blinked at him. I thought we’d gotten past this stuff with Amy. “What makes you think my friendship with Amy will be a problem?”
“Seriously?” he asked like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “I think you still love Amy.”
I frowned, jerking my head back a little. “I care about Amy. I’m not just going to stop caring about her.”
“Exactly. And you loved her while you were together. So, you still love her. Don’t you?”
Did I? Fuck. Of course, I did. I sighed and pressed my fingers into my temples. Was it possible to be in love with two girls at the same time? I didn’t think so, but it was very possible to love two girls at the same time. Being in love and loving were two completely different things, at least to me.
“See? I’m right,” Chad assessed. “It’s going to put a strain on your relationship with Hannah, and that could very well be why you’re so annoyed with her right now.”
I sighed again, growing frustrated. “How do you figure, Chad?”
“You probably don’t realize you’re even doing it, but I think maybe you want to find something wrong with your relationship with Hannah so you can go back to Amy.”
Sometimes, I wished I didn’t tell Chad everything. He knew about every single thing that had happened since the Halloween party. I confided in Chad more than most guys would anyone, but this entire situation with Hannah and Amy had my mind so jumbled I couldn’t think straight. It had been one clusterfuck after another. Not to mention, Chad kept reminding me of things I hadn’t thought of or something I knew but didn’t want to really think about.
I wished I could hate him sometimes.
“That’s not going to happen. I can’t just drop one girl for the other. It wouldn’t be right.”
“Isn’t that what you did with Hannah in the first place?”
I glared over at him as I rubbed the back of my neck with my hand. “That was different.”
“Was it?”
It wasn’t. Fuck. I was in over my head. I honestly had no idea what I should do. No matter what I did, someone was going to get hurt. Could I handle that?
wednesday morning, it was hard to face Amy when I got to work. Not only was my conversation with Chad still in the back of my mind, but after I’d gotten home last night, I did something I wasn’t proud of, something I’d have looked down on before.
Hannah, of course, initiated sex once we were ready for bed. I wanted to refuse, but my traitorous body made the decision for me. She took my body’s reaction as a green light, and I couldn’t say as I blamed her. This had become our normal. Had I refused, it would have looked bad and upset her. I really was a sucker.
Once we’d gotten started, it was like she could sense I wasn’t in it so she took things into her own hands. When she rolled us over and climbed on top of me, I did what no man should ever do to his woman.
I pictured someone else just to get off and be done. Amy was right there in the front of my mind while Hannah rode me until we both climaxed together.
It was the worst thing I could have done in that situation. When we’d been lying in bed afterward, the realization of what I did hit me like a truck. If Hannah ever found out, it would crush her. If Amy ever found out…well, I didn’t know exactly what would happen then, but I knew it would be bad.
I waved and walked right by Amy when I came in and went straight to my desk. I didn’t let myself look out at the desk to see her reaction. I just jumped right into work. There wasn’t much to do, seeing as I had come in Sunday to work on some things. I still pretended to be busy, hoping maybe Amy wouldn’t come in to see what was wrong.
No such luck.
It wasn’t even thirty minutes later when I heard the knock on my door and looked up to see her leaning against the doorframe and smiling the same smile I had on my mind last night. Fuck.
“Hey, you okay? Seemed like you were in a hurry when you came in.” She had her arms crossed casually over her chest when I looked back up, and I took a deep breath before finally smiling back at her even if it wasn’t a big one.
“Just a lot on my mind.”
She nodded.
Her lip was between her teeth, and I grinned. That was, until the guilt from last night set in again. I was seriously fucking things up for everyone, and I couldn’t seem to stop.
“Okay. Well, I was going to see if you wanted to grab lunch together today. Devon is gonna watch the front desk so I can actually eat somewhere rather than in front of everyone,” she said with a small laugh.
“Sure. Sounds like fun.” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.
She smiled wider and nodded before heading back to the front desk.
Fuck. My. Life. If I was trying to ruin my own life, I was succeeding completely. I shouldn’t be hanging out with Amy outside of work, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to. It would be innocent, sure, but I knew Hannah wouldn’t be okay with it. It definitely wasn’t going to help my current predicament.
We’d just have to see how it all would go down.