the days following my break up with Marcus were a complete blur. I hated that I was that girl, but I couldn’t seem to shake it. I wanted nothing more than to be with him, but he needed to do this. Maybe he would realize she was the one he wanted, the one he needed. That would hurt, but maybe that was what was meant to happen.
That didn’t mean I wasn’t moping around my house hoping it didn’t work out between them. It made me feel like a horrible person. I wanted Marcus happy… with me. But if he chose to be with Hannah, I would understand. It would take some time, but I’d be happy for them.
That’s at least what I told myself. I told myself I was being an adult in all of this. That giving Marcus this chance was the right thing to do. Even if it was the right thing to do, I was still upset. I wasn’t completely selfless. I needed him to do this for me, just as much as he needed to do this for himself.
The worries and concerns had already started for me before this weekend. When Marcus got pissed about Hannah sleeping with her boyfriend, it seemed like an extreme reaction for a friend to have even if he was trying to protect her. Chad had reassured me that they’d never been more than friends, and I started to feel better.
Then Marcus had confessed his feelings for Hannah.
I wasn’t angry or upset, really. Maybe I should have been, but I wanted to understand. Marcus and I had started a good thing between us. I didn’t want to throw it away because of some stupid insecurities. The more we talked, the more he opened up, and the more I realized that it was going to be okay. He was honest with me. It gave me hope.
Then there was the incident at the hospital with Hannah. Her reaction to my being there told me there was a lot more to the story than Marcus had actually known. It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t lie to me. He was completely oblivious to the fact that Hannah wanted him in the same way. Should I have told him about that then? Maybe that did make me selfish for keeping it a secret.
Time after time, things kept happening to make me even more aware of how they felt for each other. The looks she would give me when she’d see us together. Her avoiding him when he got to come home from the hospital. The excuses he would make for her over and over again.
I just didn’t want to believe it.
Marcus and I had only been together a few weeks, but I knew exactly how I felt about him, and I knew exactly how he felt about me. I never once doubted his feelings for me, but I also knew the extent of his feelings for Hannah.
“Amy?” My mother’s voice broke me out of my thoughts.
“Hmm?” I answered without looking up at her.
She took a seat next to where I’d been sitting on the couch and turned slightly to face me. “I’m worried about you, honey.”
I looked up then, tears fighting to fall from my eyes. “Marcus and I broke up.”
I’d finally broken down and told my mom after her constant hovering from my slight depression the last few days. I really needed to get my own place soon. I couldn’t take her constant worry. I knew she meant well, but I only told her the bare minimum. We broke up. End of story.
“Amy, I’m so sorry to hear about that,” she told me after I told her the short version of what happened. “I know how much you cared for him.”
I leaned into her hand that was now gently wiping the tears from my cheek. “It’s hard, Mom. But it’s what needed to happen.”
“Do you want to talk about it more?” The worry was evident in her eyes.
I know she was asking me if I wanted to tell her the whole story, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it just yet. “Not really. I just need to try to get over it and move on.”
That had been easier said than done.
After missing Monday and Tuesday at work, I decided two days to mope and compose myself enough to face him were plenty. I couldn’t just stop going to work. Besides, Marcus and I were adults. We could still be civil enough to work together. I hoped so, anyways.
And I was right. For the most part anyways.
I was sitting at the front desk on Wednesday morning, trying to catch up on some paperwork from my absence, when I sensed him walk in the door. Looking up only confirmed it, and I tried not to stare.
He looked well, maybe a little more tired, but well. His eyes were down as he walked in so he didn’t notice me yet. I told myself to glance back at my paperwork, knowing it would be a little embarrassing to be caught staring at him, but I couldn’t bring myself to pull my gaze away.
When he did look up, he did a double take. I assume he didn’t expect to see me after I missed two days. The realization at how pathetic I must seem at the fact that I missed work because I was so upset hit me hard. I kind of wanted to throw up.
I expected him to just look away and keep walking, but he gave me a half smile and nodded. I forced a smile back and forced myself to return to work. I stole a couple of glances at him once he was in his office, only to get caught when he looked up at me a time or two.
This was going to be harder than I thought.
the next few days were very much the same. There were no awkward moments really, but there also weren’t exactly any friendly moments either. Maybe it was too soon, or maybe it would never happen. It was hard to tell. Losing Marcus like this was hard for me. I wasn’t sure if I could lose him completely, especially with working together almost every single day.
By Friday, we still hadn’t spoken to each other, so when Marcus stopped at the front desk and drummed his fingers along the top, I was a little shocked. He just looked at me with a slightly confused expression, which I returned. I chewed on my bottom lip for a minute before he finally spoke up.
“How are you?” he asked quietly.
I couldn’t help it. His safe question made me grin.
“Fine. How are you?”
He seemed a little more confused at my grin, but he eventually smiled back.
Just like that, the first layer of ice had broken.
“Good. I’m good.”
We both nodded slowly, still grinning at our forced conversation.
“Right. Well, I should get to work,” he said.
“Yeah, maybe,” I said.
He nodded again, but the grin was still on his face when he walked away.
I giggled softly. That may have been a little awkward and a lot forced, but it was progress. He wanted it to be easier for us, but it wasn’t going to work like that. We both knew it.
Chad stopped by that afternoon by the front desk to talk to me like always. It was like he had no idea what was going on between Marcus and I, which was strange. He and Marcus were best friends. Surely, Marcus had told him.
It was easy with Chad though. He didn’t bring up Marcus during our little chit-chat, wanting to talk about Devon instead. I grinned as he retold their time together last Friday before he finally went to Marcus’ office. I was happy for him. Devon was coming around. She and I had hung out a couple of times outside of work now so I think she was becoming less of a hermit, so to speak. They were spending more time together here at the gym, which definitely helped his case.
saturday morning, marcus came in with a smile on his face. I couldn’t help but return. He walked right up to the desk and knocked on it a couple of times.
“Morning, Amy,” he said pleasantly.
“Good morning, Marcus.”
With that, he was off to his office. Chuckling, I shook my head and went back to grueling game of solitaire. Saturdays were usually a little busier than this, but there wasn’t much else for me to do. I didn’t work weekends for the most part, but since I’d missed the beginning of the week, I wanted to make up some time.
For a good couple of hours, I’d been sitting at the desk for a good couple of hours. Only a handful of people had come in so far. It was safe to say that I hated working weekends. It wasn’t like I had plans, not anymore anyways, but I hadn’t been focusing much on my schoolwork as it was. I needed the weekends for that. I wasn’t working tomorrow so I guess that would be okay.
“So, I’ve been thinking…”
I started at the sound of Marcus’ voice beside me. “Geez, Marcus.”
He laughed.
I glared over at him playfully. “Rude.”
“Anyways,” he continued like I hadn’t just been scared enough to pee my pants, “I’ve been thinking. We’re both adults, right?”
“Yeah…” I scrunched up my face in confusion, not following where he could be going with this.
“So, there’s no reason we can’t be friends, right?”
I nodded slowly and raised an eyebrow, telling him to continue.
“No reason at all for us to let this get awkward, right? We do have to see each other every day.” He leaned on the counter.
At the risk of sounding conceited, I was worried this was coming from somewhere else, other than just wanting to try and be friends for the work front.
“Right,” I finally said.
He smiled. “Good. Now that that’s out of the way, I need to ask you something.”
My heart stopped for a moment. “Okay, what?” I held my breath, hoping he didn’t notice.
“Does Devon ever talk about Chad when you’re around?”
I was so relieved at his question I actually laughed out loud. He eyed me curiously with a raised brow. I shook my head and cleared my throat, embarrassed at my lack of control. In a way, I’d hoped he asked me something more personal, something about us even though there wasn’t an us anymore to ask about.
“Actually…” I arched my brows at him.
He motioned with his hands for me to continue.
“I’m not supposed to say. Sorry.” I smirked and looked back at the computer.
He groaned. “Really? You can’t give me anything? He’s driving me nuts about this, you know.”
I laughed. “Marcus, think about what I just said.”
He frowned at me, making me laugh again. He really didn’t get it.
“Why would she ask me not to say anything, if there were nothing to talk about?” I added.
He kept frowning until he finally got it, making me grin. He really was adorable.
“Oh. Gotcha.” He winked, probably without realizing it. “Thanks, Amy.”
He turned and walked back to his office, and I sighed. Something as innocent as that conversation had me missing him that much more. I wanted to be his friend, but it was going to be hard.
Especially if and when he decided to approach Hannah, if he hadn’t done so already. I wasn’t sure I could handle that right away. Luckily, it wasn’t like we’d all hang out together and I would have to see them together. Besides, Marcus wasn’t the kind of guy to rub it in my face or even bring it up around me. Hell, they could be together now, and I wouldn’t know it.
I didn’t want to.