i was literally on autopilot with a little help from Erica, of course. I don’t remember when I actually closed my eyes last night, but I had woken up a while ago and stayed in the same position. I had to pee, but I didn’t want to get up.
I glanced at the door when it opened without even moving my head.
Erica came in with a couple of aspirin and a big glass of orange juice. She sat in front of me on the edge of the bed and waited. I didn’t acknowledge her, hoping she would get the hint to leave me alone. I appreciated what she was trying to do, but I didn’t want to talk. I wasn’t ready to talk.
“Hannah, take these.” She held out the aspirin in her hand.
She stared down at me with an odd look of sympathy and stubbornness. It was like she was telling me she felt bad for me and wanted to help, but she wasn’t going to take this much longer.
I sighed and finally sat up. Obediently, I held out my hand for the aspirin, and she handed them over. I popped them in my mouth, intending to dry swallow them.
She held up the orange juice and narrowed her eyes. “At least drink this. I know you won’t eat much today.”
I wanted to glare at her, but I didn’t have the energy. I took the glass and carefully downed the orange juice, my throat protesting the entire time. I swallowed and handed the glass back to her before moving to lie down again. Her hand on my arm stopped me.
“Hannah.”
I sighed. The hardness in her eyes from earlier was gone, and now all I saw was sympathy and worry. I almost couldn’t take it. She was making me want to cry again. Tears begging to come out stung my sore eyes. I was sure they were blood shot from crying. My whole body was aching. If I didn’t know better, I might have thought I had the flu.
“Mark texted me last night,” she said quietly.
Oh, God.
The tears came again, and there was no stopping them. Not only was I still embarrassed by what happened between us, but now he’d told Erica. I had every intention of keeping it to myself at least for a little while. There was no reason to keep reliving the moment my friendship with Marcus so obviously ended.
“He told me about Justin. I am so sorry, Han.”
She moved to hug me and I let her, but I didn’t return it.
Surprised, I blinked over her shoulder, my tears slowing. Marcus hadn’t told her about us? I didn’t understand.
Erica pulled away from my lack of response and looked at me worriedly. She must have seen the confusion on my face.
“Han, you okay?”
“What did Marcus say?” My voice was hoarse. I stared in front of me at the wall, hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.
The truth would come out eventually. I knew I’d have to talk about it. I was just hoping to delay the inevitable.
“He texted me and said you caught Justin cheating and that you needed a friend. I came right home and found you…” She trailed off.
“That’s it?”
“Yeah,” she answered with a frown. “Hannah, what’s going on?”
“Oh, Erica.” I sobbed and leaned into her, burying my face in neck.
Her arms went instantly around me, and I let it all out. Through my sobs, I replayed my entire night to her. I starting with the party and my fight with Marcus and ended with my rejected kiss. She never said a word, just continued to comfort me through the entire story.
To top it all off, Marcus was still trying to help me. He told me to leave after I kissed him. There was no going back from what I did. I couldn’t even be sure we could be civil without the awkwardness I created, and he still thought enough to text Erica and tell her I needed someone.
My heart broke all over again.
I finally pulled away, waiting for her reaction, but she didn’t really show one. Her lack of response to everything I just said only made me want to cry harder.
“Say something,” I begged her.
“Hannah, I…” She opened and shut her mouth a few times before giving up. “I don’t know what to say.”
I leaned into her again, and we just sat there in comfortable silence. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. My tears slowly stopped, and I wiped my face dry. I was so over crying. I was so over feeling this way. But I knew it wasn’t going to let up any time soon. I wasn’t that lucky. I was too invested.
“How can things get this bad in one night?” I asked her.
She sighed. “I have no words, Hannah.”
“I wasn’t anything special to Justin. This whole time, I was the other girl. I fell for every single thing he said to me. I gave him exactly what he wanted. I’m so naïve.”
She pulled away from me now. “No. He had us all fooled. I liked him. I thought he treated you so well. I was shocked when I got that text from Mark. I honestly couldn’t believe it. You are not naïve. He’s just a good actor, apparently.”
“Not everyone was fooled by him.” I was surprised at how lifeless I sounded. Monotone, really. There was no emotion in my voice. “Marcus didn’t like him, obviously for good reason.”
“What bothers you more right now?” She bit her lip, obviously wary of my answer.
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t get me wrong. I know Justin all but broke your heart. I know you were falling for him so I’m not trying to downplay the significance of what he did to you.” She sighed, and I raised my brows, urging her to continue. “But are you more upset about that or about being rejected by Marcus?”
“What?” I furrowed my brows and blinked a few times. I had no idea how to answer that mostly because I wasn’t sure I knew the answer.
“Look, Hannah. To anyone else, it might look bad that you’re upset about Mark almost as much if not more than Justin because they don’t know the extent of your feelings for him, but you can’t hide from me. If you’d had a choice last month, I know you would have chosen Mark.”
Her words made my chest and my head hurt. Once again, I was at a loss for words. I was upset about Justin, obviously. Distraught, even. My heart had been broken last night, and my hope of moving forward with someone I thought was so perfect for me shattered. It made me feel worse to be upset about Marcus. Erica was right. No one would really understand my conflict here.
I felt guilty for being upset about Marcus when I knew my focus should have been on Justin and his betrayal. I couldn’t explain how hurt I was to find out I’d been nothing but a piece of ass to him after everything we’d been through. Every touch, every kiss, every sweet gesture was nothing but a charade to get me to sleep with him. Over and over again.
Then there was Marcus. The man I’ve loved since I was just a little girl. The person I’d been dreaming of being with my entire life. My very best friend in the entire world. I took a chance, and he rejected me. There was no going back now. Yes, I was hurting and wanting the comfort, but I wasn’t just on the rebound last night. I saw an opportunity, and I took it.
But I failed.
The way he held me in his arms, the way he was comforting me just felt different last night. I couldn’t put my finger on why. I just assumed it was because he felt something other than the protective best friend feelings we were both used to. The fact that Amy wasn’t there told me he made a choice. I just took it all wrong.
To be upset over Marcus made me feel like I was playing down the hurt I felt from Justin. I wasn’t. I couldn’t. I was brokenhearted over both situations. I couldn’t just bounce back from either quickly, if I ever could. The scars were permanently there.
I forgot Erica had asked me a question, but she looked content to let me think about it while she waited. That was good. I had a lot of thinking to do.
“I honestly don’t know.” I exhaled, lying back on my bed.
Erica moved to lie beside me. “It’s okay to be confused.”
“Is it? Because I feel like the most horrible person in the world right now.”
“Hannah, I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you will be okay.”
I scoffed at her words.
“It may be awkward for a bit, but you’ll bounce back. Mark’s not the kind of guy to just let his best friend go without a fight because of one little mistake.”
I hoped she was right. I wanted her to be right. I didn’t want to work things out with Justin. If I ever saw him again, it would be too soon. But, Marcus? I wanted nothing more than to take back what I did and go back to how things were. I wouldn’t be such a bitch about him dating Amy. I wouldn’t be so whiny or clingy. I wouldn’t take him for granted again. Ever.
If he’d only give me another chance.
“I’m not sure he wants to be my friend after that. I’ll be hard to be his friend when he knows how I feel, but he doesn’t feel the same way.”
“Maybe at first but now that he does know how you feel and now that you know he doesn’t feel the same way, you can move on. No more just hoping to move on. You actually can. Your feelings for Mark will fade, and eventually, he will be nothing more than a friend to you. Your best friend again. And you’ll both be happy.”
I didn’t realize I’d started to cry again at her words until her finger lightly brushed my tears away. What would I do without Erica? She told me when to grow up. She told me when I really did look fat in the jeans I wanted to buy. She told me the truth. She didn’t sugar coat things or paint a pretty picture to me. She loved me. This woman always knew what to say to make me feel better, and this was no exception.
I felt a little hope for the first time since everything happened. The numbness was lifted a little, and I felt a little more functional. I was in no way one hundred percent me again, and I doubted I would be for a very long time, but this was progress. Baby steps. My heart was still heavy, and the mere thought of either Justin or Marcus brought tears to my eyes and pain in my heart, but I had hope that one day it wouldn’t hurt this bad.
Maybe, just maybe, one day, it wouldn’t hurt at all.