“I told you to fuck off,” I yell through my bedroom door. Again, another knock. Pissed, I throw my bag on the bed and storm to my door, opening it wide, about to yell at whoever’s on the other side.
“I told…. Oh, fuck. Sorry, Jasmine, I didn’t know it was you,” I say, feeling like shit for swearing at her. My heart constricts when I see how beautiful she looks today, and not that she’s not always beautiful, but today she’s wearing a white strapless summer dress that ends midthigh. It reminds me of the night we were on the beach, at the bonfire, when her and Quill were having their issues. I remember thinking what an asshole Prez was for letting her go. When I’d placed my cut over her, to warm her up, I remember thinking, fuck, that cut looks good on her. But it didn’t stay on her for that long because Prez gave me a look that said, I’m going to fucking kill you if you don’t take that off.
Her long brown hair is down, and she has some glossy stuff on her lips. Fuck, those lips are going to be the death of me.
“That’s no way to greet a lady,” she teases as she walks through my door, ducking under my arm holding it open, and takes a seat on the edge of my bed. I turn to face her and let the door shut behind me. Crossing my arms at my chest, I watch her as she looks around my room. She spots something on my bed, and laughing, she picks up a red lace bra and giggles as she holds it out to me. “I see Honey has been here.”
Smirking, I snatch it off her and throw it toward the nearby chair. I don’t know how to deal with her in my room, and alone. God, she’s beautiful, so perfect. My gaze travels down her exposed arms to her knees and calves. I feel ashamed, and guilty as hell for checking out my president’s ol’ lady, but I can’t help it. My eyes are starved to look at her and take her in. If I’m not going to see her for a while, then I might as well get my fill.
“What are you looking at?” she asks, eyebrows raised.
I quickly look away, and storm over to my set of drawers to take out some shirts and jeans, then head to my bed and place them in my duffel bag.
I try everything I can to ignore my rapidly beating heart, and busy myself packing. A soft hand reaches out and touches mine, and I still. But I don’t look at her. I can’t. I’m scared if I do, I’ll kiss her, and God knows that once I start I won’t be able to stop.
“Trigger, look at me,” her soft voice whispers.
I don’t, I can’t, so I look away. I sense her getting up from the bed, and she turns me by my arms to face her. I allow it, but my eyes stay on the floor because if I see her green eyes looking into mine, I might just let them seek out my soul, and expose my true feelings to her.
“Trigger, please.”
Slowly and steadily my eyes lift to meet hers. Fuck, I feel so vulnerable.
“What do you want, Jasmine?” I ask a little too gruffly.
Her smile turns into a frown. “I want to know why you’ve been ignoring me. Have I done something, or said something, to upset you? I mean, you hardly talk to me these days.” She cups my cheek, and I almost grip her wrist and pull her into me for the kiss that I want so desperately to give her. But I don’t, instead I inhale and try to think of anyone, or anything else, like… old people. Old people fucking, even. Oh fuck, why did I go there?
“Look, Jasmine,” I say, removing her hand from my face, “I really need to get a move on. Time’s a wasting.”
“Oh, sorry,” she says, dropping her hands to her sides and moving toward the bedroom door. She turns the handle, and something clicks inside of me at the sight of her about to disappear from my sight. Quickly, I storm toward her and cover her hand on the door knob with mine. She turns and leans against the door. “What’s going on, Trigger? You can talk to me. You were there for me when I needed you, now let me return the favor.” She just doesn’t get it. How can I tell her the reason I’m leaving is because I’m falling for her and I need to get my head straight?
I feel my eyes burn with unshed tears. “You’re killing me, Jasmine. Can’t you just let me go, and leave things be?” I beg, grasping her face with my hands.
“Trigger,” she pleads, tears now glistening in her eyes. “What have I done?”
“Done! What have you done?” I shout, one hand grasping the back of her neck while the other runs down her cheek. Like I’m in a trance, I step closer, my eyes focused on her lips until our noses are only inches away. My breathing gets heavier, and I feel like all oxygen has left my body. I’m panting, just for one taste of her.
Jasmine’s eyes widen, and she looks at my lips. “Trigger, what are you doing?”
“You think you’ve done something? Is that right?” I say hoarsely. She nods her head in agreement, her bottom lip quivering. I lick my bottom lip, her scent filling my senses. “The only thing you’ve done, Jasmine, is be fuckin’ perfect.”
Her eyebrows draw together in confusion. “I don’t understand, Trigger.”
“You don’t, hey?” I ask, biting down on my lip this time.
Her palms fall flat against my chest, and I feel pressure there. She’s trying to push me away. I don’t move—her hands on my body feel amazing even if it’s only because she’s trying to move away from me.
“Trigger, you want to leave? Fine, you go, but why don’t you step up and be a man, and say whatever it is that’s making you leave. What is it, Trigger?” she shouts.
With adrenalin now running through me, I do the one thing I promised myself I would never do; I kiss her, I kiss her like she’s my reason for breathing. My rough lips against her soft plump one’s have me hard, stretching against my zipper. She doesn’t move, her mouth doesn’t open even when I try to probe it with my tongue. Her hands scrunch my T-shirt, and more pressure is pressed against me. Fuck, fuck, fuck! What the hell am I doing?
Pushing myself off her, I pace the bedroom floor, looking over at her now and then. She hasn’t moved, she’s frozen on the spot, likely in shock. Finally I blurt, “I’m sorry, Jasmine. I’m so goddamn sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. Fuck.” I grunt and sit down on the bed, sinking my head between my thighs and pulling at my hair.
A few minutes pass, and I finally hear her move and walk toward me. She sinks down on her knees in front of me, and I look up, noticing she’s clearly still in shock. “I… I love you, Jasmine,” I blurt out, not caring anymore about her knowing. Geez, after that kiss, I needed to explain.
She begins to deny my confession by shaking her head, then saying, “No, Trigger, you’re confused, you don’t love me—”
“Please, let me finish,” I say, staring into her eyes.
She stops. “Okay.”
“I do love you, Jasmine,” I say softly. “God, I wish I didn’t, but I do. I’ve been trying everything in my power to stop, but I can’t, no matter how many women I take to bed. This… this is why I need to leave. I need to get the hell out of here. If Prez found out, he would kill me—I mean real-life death, and I wouldn’t blame him. I’m breaking the biker code, for God’s sake.” Tears pool in her eyes, and I have to physically stop myself from reaching out and touching them before they can fall. “I can’t stay here feeling the way I do about you. I love this club, and that includes Quill, he’s the best goddamn man I know.” She begins to sob now, so I stand and then cradle her in my arms. “I’m sorry, Jasmine.”
She pulls out of my hold and puts some distance between us by walking over to the door again, standing with her back against it. “Trigger… how? When?”
“I think since the beginning.”
“But… I love Quill. He is my life, we’re married, we have kids…. Surely you know how much I love him.”
“Of course I know, I’m not fucking blind,” I grit out. “I can’t help the way I feel, though. Don’t you know how many nights I’ve prayed to the Lord above to make me forget you?”
She shakes her head. “This can’t be happening,” she mumbles to herself, then looks straight at me. “I’m sorry if you’ve felt like my feelings were the same. Trigger, I love you too, but more like a brother.” She takes a couple of steps back toward me.
I sigh and rub my jaw. “I know you do, and that’s why I need to get the fuck out of here,” I explain, turning my back on her so I can continue to pack. “I need some time away, away from you.”
When I turn my head briefly to offer her a sad smile, I see her swipe at a stray tear. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that I’m the reason for you leaving. We, this club, are your family.”
“Yes, you are, and I will do anything for my family. And right now I need to get away, because seeing you every goddamn day is not helping.” I zip up my bag and carry it over my shoulder as I head for the door. Tears still run down her face, and I pause in front of her. “Please don’t cry. Tell me you understand?” I plead, inching closer to her. She doesn’t reply, just nods. “Good. Quill is a lucky man,” I whisper, and wipe away her tears. I can’t stand to see her cry.
She smiles a little as she sniffles. “Thank you.”
“Mommy, are you in there?” The small voice comes through from the hallway.
“That must be Jack,” she says. I smile when she swipes at her tears, then blows her breath upwards into her eyes, trying to conceal any evidence of her crying.
I walk to the door and open it wide while she’s getting herself together. “Uncle Trigger,” Jack squeals when he spots me, jumping into my arms immediately. I catch him just in time, and let my bag fall to the floor so I can get a good grip on his squirming body.
“Hewo, Uncle Trigger, Is Mommy here? Uncle Bear said she was.”
“Yes, little man, she’s right there.”
Jack looks over my shoulder, and his face lights up even more when he sees his mom. “Mommy!” he says, kicking his feet against me so I’ll put him down and he can run to her.
When he reaches Jasmine, she lifts him up and kisses his forehead. “Hi, baby.”
He places his tiny hands on Jasmine’s face and asks, “Mommy, are you sad?”
Jasmine glances at me then back to Jack, who is the splitting image of his father. Light blue eyes with dark hair.
“No, baby, I’m not.”
“Are you sad because Uncle Trigger is leaving?” Jack looks over at me, his bottom lip sticking out in the cutest pout.
“How did you know that?”
“Because Daddy said he was and wanted us to come and say goodbye.”
I take a deep breath. “Your dad is right, bud,” I reply, then walk over to them and scruff up his hair. Jasmine looks at me, her expression meaning so many things, and I smile. “I’ve got it, I’m sorry,” I mouth to her.
She leans in and kisses me on my cheek. “You’re forgiven.”
“Yuck, Mommy, you kissed a boy.”
“Who’s kissing who?” Quill asks, stepping into my room, holding baby Rose. “There you are, Jack. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”
“Sowwy, Daddy,” Jack says, trying to wriggle himself out of Jasmine’s hold. She lets him go, and he runs to his dad and grips on to his leg.
“Here, let me take her,” Jasmine says, holding her hands out for the baby in Quill’s arms. Quill hands Rose over, but not before he steals a kiss from his wife.
“I think she might need her diaper changed,” Quill says with a wink, trying desperately not to laugh.
“Again, Quill? When are you going to change it yourself?” she asks, lifting Rose in her arms and sniffing near her butt. “Ugh. She’s done a poo.”
“Has she?” Quill says innocently, winking at me this time.
“Quillentine Owen. It’s about time you changed your daughter’s diaper.”
Quill scrunches up his face. “No way in hell I’m changing that. Baby, you know how I get all sick and shit.”
Jasmine walks closer to Quill. “You mean the bad-boy biker can’t stand the smell of baby poop?”
Quill places his palms up. “Hey, no man I know can stand the smell of that. Hey, Trigger, you wanna change Rose’s diaper?”
I narrow my eyes, “Yeah… nah, I’ll give that a pass, man,” I say, ignoring Jasmine’s evil look.
“Well, I’m going to change baby Rose. Trigger?” Jasmine says, looking over at me. “When are you leaving?”
I glance at my watch; it’s later than I thought. “In about five.”
“Well, I’ll say bye now, then.” She walks up to me, kisses me on my cheek, and with one hand hugs me. “Take care, Trigger, and be safe,” she whispers in my ear. “Come back to us soon.”
I pull back and smile. I nod. “Will do.”
Just as she turns to leave the room, I feel an ache form in the pit of my stomach. I already miss her. I should be worried that she might tell Quill I kissed her, but I know she won’t. She wouldn’t want to cause trouble between us, even though I feel like a piece of shit.
What the fuck have I done?”