Lee
I SIT STARING at the phone in my hand, reading Logan’s latest text. It’s almost identical to all the others he’s sent.
Lee I need to see you. I need to know you are ok.
After he was here on Monday, I did drop him a text saying sorry about dinner and hopefully we can do it when I feel better. He replied straight away:
Just tell me where and when.
I haven’t replied to any of his other messages, and there have been quite a few. I know I have to reply to him, but I need to get this doctor’s appointment out of the way first. I’ve been avoiding him for the last two days. Sunday doesn’t count. He’s not the only one I’ve been avoiding; my mum has been calling constantly. She had popped by the office on Monday too, hoping we could go for lunch, and I wasn’t there. When she called, I told her I was sick and she immediately wanted to come over and play nursemaid. Now that I was having none of. I’m not ready for her to know I’m pregnant yet and I’m especially not ready to tell her it’s Logan’s baby. She’ll judge me for spending time with him. No doubt tell me I could do a lot better for myself than some player.
So, here we are. It’s Wednesday and I’m waiting on Fran. She’s coming with me today. Today, I find how far along I am. Or, as I’ve said time and time again over the last few days, how stupid I’ve been. She has been a tower of support when all I’ve done is cry my bloody eyes out.
She was here with me last night when Jess’s text came through, or rather her picture message; her left hand with a huge sparkler on it. I cried as I typed out my reply of congratulations. Jess will be home tonight and, she might be my best friend, but I’m not sure when I’ll be ready to face her and tell her my news. I’m still trying to get my head around the fact that I’m pregnant.
How the hell do I tell her? After everything she’s been through. She’s the happiest I’ve ever seen her and last night’s message just confirmed that. I’m happy for her and Fletcher. They’re getting the happily ever after, and what am I getting?
At this moment in time, I don’t know. My phone beeps in my hand—a message from Fran.
I’m outside.
This is it. Nervously, I stand, grab my bag and keys, and leave the comfort of my apartment. An apartment I’ve not left since I came home on Saturday night. It’s been my safe place, where I don’t need to face the real world.
“Hey, you look tired,” Fran says as I get in the car.
“Yeah. I didn’t get much sleep last night.”
“Hopefully after today things will be clearer. You can think about what you want to do.”
We had this conversation last night, about choices. I’m not sure I’m mother material and, as for Logan, I don’t think he’ll be winning any prizes for being dad of the year, but I also know that no matter what happens today, there’s no choice to be made. As my dad would say, ‘I’ve made my bed. Now I need to lie in it.’
I’m having this baby.
I’m hoping once I find out how far along I am, I can think about how to tell Logan. He’s going to think I’m trying to tie him down. I’d love to be the one to tie him down, of course I would, but even I know a baby won’t change who he is.
Our drive is quiet and gives me time to reflect and think. Will I be able to cope with bringing up a baby on my own? Technically, I won’t be on my own. I know my mum and dad will help, and I’m sure Jess will too. I’ll need to move house, somewhere with a garden and out of the city. A nice quiet area with good schools.
I’m jumping the gun a bit.
My phone rings. As I look at the screen, I know I need to answer it. “Hey, Logan.”
“Lee, babe, how are you?” I catch Fran from the corner of my eye, watching me. She should have her eyes on the road, not on me.
“I’m okay. How are you?”
“Missing you.” His admission surprises me. “I want to see you.”
There’s a long pause, neither of us knowing what to say. “Why don’t you come over tonight? You could pick up a pizza or something on your way over.”
“What are you doing?” Fran mouths.
I shake my head and wait for his answer.
“I’d love to. Drop me a text later if there’s anything else you need me to bring over. I know you’ve been stuck in for a few days now.”
The words are out of my mouth before I think. “No. I think Fran has picked up everything I need.”
“Oh. Has Fran been looking after you? I could’ve done that.” He knows she’s been with me, but I can hear the disappointment in his voice.
“I didn’t want to bother you with training and that.”
“Speaking of that, I’d better go. I’ll see you tonight.”
“Bye, Logan.”
The call ends, and I turn and face Fran and wait to hear what she has to say, but she says nothing. She parks the car. “We’re here.”
I hesitate before getting out. When I do, Fran is beside me and takes my arm, urging me to follow her lead. I know we won’t have to wait long to be seen. After everything Jess went through, we both decided to take out private healthcare. One of the perks of being in business and making money. The last time I was in this hospital was the night Jess collapsed after hearing about Scott’s death after he beat her up.
Fran gives the receptionist my name and she tells us where to go. After walking through the hospital, which looks homelier than I had imagined, we arrive where we’re supposed to be and sit down.
This waiting area reminds me more of a sitting room in a house; it’s light and very well furnished.
I sit on the edge of the chair, my eyes scanning the room. There’s a young couple sitting near the window, hand in hand. They look happy and excited, unlike me. I’m rubbing my hands up and down my jean-clad legs, feet bouncing from one to the other. It’s safe to say I’m nervous.
“Lee MacKay,” a voice calls out. I stand slowly to see an older woman with notes in her hands. She smiles at me and I turn to Fran.
“Do you want me to come in with you?” she asks. I nod. She stands and we walk toward the woman together.
The room we’re taken into is more clinical; white walls, bed over at the wall with a chair beside it, and lots of equipment. We sit down and the woman introduces herself as Alice. She’s going to be who I see each time I visit, unless there’s a problem, and then I’ll see the consultant, who she says I’ll meet today.
Alice asks lots of question about my medical history. It all seems routine. She asks the date of my last period and I’m honest with her and tell her I can’t remember. She doesn’t cast judgement and, if she does, I don’t see it.
“Okay, Lee, first things first. Let’s get you scanned and find out how far on you are. Now, don’t worry if I don’t pick anything up straight away with the ultrasound. It may be you are very early on and, if that’s the case, I’ll do an internal scan.”
I must look horrified because she and Fran do their best to reassure me that it’ll be fine. I lie on the bed, loosen my jeans, and pull up my top. Fran and Alice glance at me before looking at each other. They share a knowing look, something that neither of them seems ready to tell me about.
Alice puts some cold jelly on my stomach. This is not helping me to relax. She puts the wand over my stomach, sliding it back and forth and around.
After what seems like forever, she turns the screen to me. With Fran’s hand in mine, I take a deep breath and ready myself for what Alice has to tell me. “Well, Lee. Here is your baby.” She points at the screen and I see it straight away. “This is baby’s heart beating and everything looks as it should.”
It’s not what I imagined. I remember Jess showing me her first scan picture. She was around seven weeks and it just looked like a blob, but on this one, I can see hands and legs.
“How far along am I?”
“I would say around twelve weeks going by the measurements I’ve taken.” Mentally, I do the maths; that would mean the very first night I slept with Logan. “Your due date is the sixteenth of March. I think we should discuss your care,” Alice says, handing me some tissue to clean up my stomach. I clean up and sort myself before moving from the bed to the chair.
I clench my eyes shut in an attempt to clear the feelings sweeping through me; fear, and maybe a little excitement. I’m really having a baby. I knew I was, the test Fran gave me said I was, but hearing when I’m due and seeing my baby on the screen makes it all the more real. Reality is hitting home fast. I feel a tad sick, but I put that down to my nerves.
“Lee, are you okay?” Fran asks, lifting my hand. My eyes meet hers and I’m not sure what to say to her.
“Yes.”
“Lee.” Alice draws my attention to her. “I know you’ve had a few days since you found out you’re pregnant, but I’m here for you no matter what choices you make.”
I stop her because Fran and I have already had this conversation and I don’t need to have it again. “Alice, this pregnancy has come as a shock but I’m going to have the baby.”
“Well, then we should discuss your care.”
I sit and listen intently as she talks about what I should expect to happen over the coming months. The more she talks, the more excited I get about having a tiny baby in my arms. Alice gives me lots of information leaflets to take home and read. She also introduces me to my consultant, who will always be available should I need him. He seems nice enough, but I really like Alice and I’m glad I’ll be dealing with her for most of my appointments.
When I finally leave the hospital with Fran, I have a picture of my baby in my hand.
“How are you feeling?” Fran asks when we’re back in her car.
“Truthfully?” She nods. “I’m really good. Today went better than I expected and knowing how far along I am means I don’t need to keep this to myself. And yes, I saw the look on your face when I loosened my clothes.”
“Well, you’ve certainly got a bump.”
“Yeah. I at least know now I’m not just getting fat.” We both laugh. “I have two concerns. Logan and Jess.”
“Jess is your best friend and I understand why you’re worried about telling her, but from what I know of Jess, if you keep this from her, she’s going to be angry with you. And as for Logan, I don’t know him well enough to say how he’s going to take this news, but if he doesn’t take it well, then it will be his problem, not yours.”
“You’re right.”
“Of course I am. I’m here whenever you need anything from practical advice to having a moan. Let’s get you home so you have some time to yourself before Logan gets there.”