Lee
“I LOVE YOU.”
My world is falling apart a little at a time. There’s nothing I can control. I can’t hold back my tears as I sit rocking back and forth, alone. The one noise to be heard is my sobbing. His reaction is what I expected, so I don’t understand why I’m so upset. Of course he was going to walk out. He has nothing to stay for; we’re not even a couple, just two people who fucked occasionally.
I want him in my life. I want him to want to be a part of my life, and the life of the baby we’ve created. He would be a good dad, I’m sure. None of this was planned and I’d hate to think that’s what he thought. If I’m true to myself, Logan is the only man I’ve allowed myself to dream about a future with. Funny, I know, considering we’re not a couple. But for me, he’s the one. The one I want to spend my days waking up with.
He’s the man I see when I allow my thoughts to drift to having kids. If I could pick anyone, he’s it for me. My husband, a father, but most importantly, my best friend. Even though he drives me insane at times. I’m sure he could be all that and more if he let me in.
With my eyes closed, thoughts of him are firmly in my head. Happy thoughts.
“I’ll take you home,” he said.
“I’m more than capable of going home alone.”
“I know you are, but I wouldn’t be a gentleman if I didn’t offer, and with Fletch taking Jess, that leaves you and me.”
“Fine.” I huffed. “But any funny business and I won’t be held responsible for my actions.”
“You’re funny,” he said with a huge smirk on his face. We talked the whole journey back to my apartment about his favourite subject: football. He looked genuinely happy that I knew all about the game.
I open my eyes. He was a gentleman that night. Kept his hands to himself and even made sure I was in my apartment safely. He’s not all bad. Logan Walker is what dreams are made of, but like dreams, he won’t be there when I wake up.
I swallow hard in an attempt to bite back my tears, but it doesn’t work. I hate that I’m sitting here alone, crying, after the man I’ve fallen in love with turned and walked away without a glance back. Only moments ago, everything looked good between us. Great, even. Fuck, he wanted us to go on a proper date at the weekend; that must mean something. It means something to me. It means he wants more. But is that more of a relationship or just the amazing sex we have?
Pain tightens around my heart and I’m lost. So lost and helpless. Through my tear-filled eyes, I see the pizza on the table, a reminder of what should’ve been a quiet night together. Instead, I ruined it by sharing my news, but he had to know. We both admitted we had feelings for each other, so why does my news make things different?
With my arms wrapped tightly around myself for protection, I continue to cry. Cry for the man I love and know in my heart I’ve already lost before we’ve had any time together.
I don’t know how long I stay like this before my tears finally stop. I should call Fran, but I don’t want to talk to anyone.
I text her instead. He knows. I told him tonight and he didn’t take it well. I’ll call you tomorrow if I feel up to it.
After switching my phone off, I drop it on the couch and close my eyes, allowing myself to think of all the what ifs. What if he loved me as much as I love him? What if everything in our life was perfect? But it’s not and I’m going to have to face facts. I’m going to be a single mum. My entire life has changed in a few short days. Now I have to make plans that include a baby. I can’t go on just thinking about myself.
“Lee. Lee, wake up.” I hear a soft, tender voice, but I must be dreaming. “Lee, please.”
I feel the couch move beside me. I open my eyes to see Jess sitting beside me, worry etched around her beautiful eyes and suntanned skin. How? Why? She doesn’t say anything, just reaches out and wraps her arms tightly around me, pulling me close, and I cry. I’m glad she’s here; I need her. Movement in the room catches my eye. Fran and Fletcher. Fran must’ve called Jess. They stand to the side, watching me. I blink a few times, my eyes adjusting to the brightness of the room. Jess and Fletcher must’ve come straight here from the airport.
“Ssh, it’s okay. I’m here for you always.” As she whispers the words, I find it weird that the tables have turned. It wasn’t that long ago I was sitting with her in my arms, rubbing her back, telling her everything would be okay.
Pulling out of her hold, I wipe away my tears and take a deep breath.
“You and me, we need to talk, don’t you think?”
I nod in response.
“Jess, honey, if you’re all okay, I should go to Logan,” Fletcher says nervously.
“Go on, run along. Don’t let me hold you back,” I snap.
“Lee, I’m sorry, but there’s . . . He’ll need me as much as you need Jess.” Jess and I look at each other. He stopped himself from telling us something. He bends, kisses Jess, and leaves. I want to chase after him and demand that he tell me what he was about to say, but I don’t have the energy. If I’m meant to know, I’m sure someone will tell me.
“What was all that about?” Fran asks.
“I don’t know, but I’m sure I’ll find out,” Jess replies with a frown. “Now that Fletcher is away, you and I need to talk.”
“I’ll go and make some tea,” Fran says, walking away.
“I didn’t want to tell you yet. I wanted to tell you in my own time, when I had my head in the right place. And also because . . .”
“Don’t even go there. My past shouldn’t be a factor in you not telling me. I’m your best friend and you’ve been there for me when I needed you through some of the darkest days of my life, and I want to be here for you through all of this. For all hospital appointments if Logan isn’t man enough to be there. Lee, you’re not alone and you never will be.” She cuddles me and I cry again. I’m blaming my hormones. “Now, I believe you have something to show me?”
I pick up the scan picture and hand it to her. Tears fill her eyes as she takes in every last detail before her, and I know her mind has travelled back in time to the day she got her first scan. I remember she was so happy. Had so much to look forward to. Then, months later, it was all cruelly taken away from her in a vicious attack by a man she thought she loved.
“Jess . . .”
“I’m fine. My best friend is going to be a mum. I’m going to be an auntie. This is exciting. This baby boy or girl is going to be spoiled rotten and loved so damn much. Now, you need to tell me all the details and don’t leave anything out, especially about Logan. Everything that’s happened since I left on Saturday, and everything from before, and don’t you dare try to tell me that nothing has happened between you.”
What can I say? She knows me well. Fran comes back into the room with mugs of tea and chocolate biscuits. She sits opposite us and I tell them almost everything from Saturday night. I leave out the intimate details; they don’t need to know those. And I don’t need reminders in my head.
I tell them the little things from the very first meeting with Logan; the night he and Fletcher turned up at the apartment launch when the four of us went out for dinner afterwards. I tell her how easy he can be to talk to. How comfortable I feel around him. How, when we’re alone, he makes me feel so special, as though I’m the only person in the world that matters. I tell her about my secret jealous meltdowns, when I’ve seen him in the papers with another girl on his arm.
My body starts to tremble as I talk about how Logan wanted to go out on a date at the weekend. How easy everything seemed between us until I blurted out that I’m pregnant. My friends sit quietly, taking in my news, Jess rubbing my shoulder at the right times when I feel myself getting upset.
By the time I finish talking, I’m a blubbering, snotty mess. “I love him.”
“Oh, honey, we know you do. You might think I’ve been too wrapped up in my own life, but I have noticed the looks between you when we’re all together. You’ve not got a good poker face.”
Jess’s comment has me smiling. My mum says the exact same thing.
Shit.
“What are you thinking?” Jess asks, studying my face.
“How the hell am I going to tell my parents?”
“You’ll need to do it soon, before news gets out,” Fran says, and straight away my body sinks under the meaning of her words. The media. They will have a field day with this.
“Fran’s right. You have to tell them before they hear it from someone else. If you want, I can come with you when you do.”
“Thanks.”
“Now, as for you and Logan, things will work out.”
“Jess, how do you know? You can’t say that.”
“I can and I have. He loves you just as much as you love him.”
“Don’t take offense, either of you, but if he did he would be the one sitting here with me, talking about the future, discussing hopes and dreams and planning for our baby.”
Jess gives me a sympathetic look. I know I’m right; if he felt the same he would be here with me. Instead, he’s probably doing what he does best and losing himself in some girl.
My tears fall.