Lee
SILENCE HAS FILLED the house since I came here. My parents are tiptoeing around me, unsure of what to say because all I seem to do is cry. And why? I’ve no idea. Everything with the baby is fine. They shouldn’t have to tiptoe around me; this is their home. Mum has tried talking to me, but I’ve all but pushed her away. I know my actions have hurt her; I’ve seen it in her eyes. She has been so accepting of my pregnancy, excited at the thought of being a granny. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling more confused. I had expected her to start ranting and raving about me being a single mum, or demanding that she and dad go and meet with Logan so she can tell him exactly what she thinks about him. But there’s been none of that. It’s scary how understanding she’s been.
The last few days have been difficult. I’ve refused to see Jess or Fran, but I do know Jess is coming here as soon as she finishes work today. When I got her text message, I wanted to tell her no, but it was more of a statement than a question. I knew she wouldn’t take any notice of what I had to say. The funny thing is, that’s how I was with her when she kept trying to push me away. Now I can appreciate all the times she didn’t want to talk and just be left alone.
I hear a loud knocking at the front door, and glance at the time; that will be Jess.
“Hi, May. How is she?” I can hear Jess’s voice from the hallway. No doubt Mum has already given her a rundown before she got here, leaving nothing out. Being here with my parents has given me plenty of time to think but I still haven’t come to any reasonable conclusions about what’s going to happen with Logan.
“Oh, Jess. I don’t know what to do with her. You have to get her back to work. She has to get out of this house. I’m hoping you can help her see sense. She has to start eating before she ends up sick. I know this must be hard for you.” I can imagine Mum standing in the hallway, cuddling Jess with tears in her eyes.
“May, stop right there. This isn’t hard for me. Lee is my best friend, and just as she was there for me when I needed her, I’ll do the same for her, without hesitation.”
“You are a good girl. Now, how have you been the last few days with your life plastered all over the news?” Mum’s question makes me sit up in my bed. What the hell has Jess had to put up with now? Is she ever going to get a break? Fletcher had better be behaving himself because, so help me, he’ll have me to answer to if he hurts her.
“I’m good. I knew to expect it. And with our engagement making news, it might make all those single women realise he’s off the market.” I hear Mum laugh and then footsteps fading away.
There’s no knock on my bedroom door before it opens, and there stands Jess, looking great, although more tired than usual. “Hey you,” she says, coming in and closing the door behind her.
“Hey yourself. What’s up?”
“Nothing. I’m here to check up on you. See when you intend coming back to work.”
She sits down beside me and I shift uncomfortably under her gaze. “I don’t know.”
“Lee, I need you back.” There’s an edge to her voice. Something is wrong.
“Yeah, it looks like it.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means you look as tired as I feel.”
“Yes, well I’ve been run off my feet today and yesterday.”
“Why were you in work yesterday? We never do Sundays unless we’re onsite somewhere.”
“Because, my gorgeous friend, someone had time off. There was a lot to do. Never mind that. I’m back up to date with everything, but this week is busy. I can’t be in two places at once.”
I sit and think about her words. Yes, I’m sure there was a lot to do, but is she trying to get me back to work as an obligation to mum? Or does she really need me?
“I don’t know when I’m coming back.”
“Okay, but I’m sure someone once said to me that I couldn’t sit about all day every day and feel sorry for myself.”
“You know you can be a right bitch at times?” I say, trying to hide my smile. Jess’s smile is wide as she looks at me. She knows I’m kidding. “How about I come in tomorrow? Everyone is right. I can’t hide myself away. Just don’t expect miracles. Now, what’s all this about you in the news?”
“So, you were listening to my conversation with your mum. My engagement has made national news. There’s reporters everywhere I go. Apparently, there’s nothing else going on in Scotland. Front page news for a footballer getting engaged.”
“Of course. I’ll need to get myself a copy of the paper to see how good you look.”
“Enough. Has Logan been in touch?”
“No.” I knew she would ask, just as she probably knows I want to avoid the subject of Logan Walker.
“So, we have a lot to talk about then.”
She’s right, we do. Especially about work. How the hell am I going to cope looking after a baby and working? I love my job and there’s no way I want to give it up.
My life just keeps getting more complicated by the second.
As we talk, I’m glad Jess came over because having her here has already made me feel better. She’s happy for me and not just putting on a brave face. Jess doesn’t have to; I would know if she was upset.
We discuss the possibility of bringing someone in to the business on a temporary basis to cover me when I’m on maternity leave, which does sound like the perfect solution. I need to have a conversation with my mum, to see if she will be able to help out with the baby so I can eventually go back to work. Jess also tells me she can’t wait to go shopping for this wee one. I remember feeling the exact same way when she told me she was pregnant. I shudder inwardly at the thoughts now firmly in my head.
The painful scene of Jess in hospital after Scott attacked her seems so real now. I close my eyes, trying to lose the thoughts. The pain and misery she went through. When I open my eyes, Jess is staring, frown lines set deeply in her forehead. She knows where my thoughts are. Guilt floods me. Her baby was planned and wanted whereas . . . I don’t go there because, if I do, I’m only going to upset myself.
Life can be so cruel.
But at the same time, Jess wouldn’t be at the point she is in her life now if it weren’t for the events in her past.
Life can also be funny.
“Okay, now I know you don’t want to discuss Logan.”
“No.”
“Lee, you need to hear me out.” I sigh and wait for whatever she has to tell me. “Peter left him out of the team.”
This is news to me. I never even cared enough to watch the game. “And I’m supposed to care?”
“He’s been drinking and didn’t show up for training. And according to Fletcher, he didn’t show up again today. He’s really worried about him. He’s away to his tonight. Logan isn’t handling this well.”
“Whoopi-fucking-do. I don’t get the option of walking away. He walked out of my door as soon as I told him I was pregnant, so don’t you dare try to make me feel sorry for the great Logan fucking Walker, because I can’t. I won’t.”
“Lee, that’s not what I meant and you know it. Although, I did question Fletcher about his unsaid comment at yours the other night. You need to speak to Logan.”
“What aren’t you telling me?”
Jess bites her lip and looks away briefly. I move restlessly on the bed as a warning voice in my head tells me I don’t want to know. “You’re going to find out anyway because speculation is already mounting about his behaviour.”
“Tell me!” I shout, anxious to hear what the hell is going on.
“Eight years ago, Logan’s girlfriend, Nikki, was pregnant. There was a crash one night when she was on her way to pick him up. Nikki and the baby didn’t survive. He blames himself. This is common knowledge. I’m not telling you anything you couldn’t find out if you went looking.” I sit, flabbergasted by her revelation. Why did I not know this? Surely if it’s common knowledge I would know, but then again, it’s only the last few years I’ve really followed football. “Lee, he’s scared. He’s scared to let you in because he loves you. He can’t see forward. He’s haunted by the past.”
Tears well within my tears. Poor Logan. No wonder he walked away from me.
“I have to see him.” The words leave me in a rush. Pain squeezes around my heart at the thought of him alone with thoughts of his past. “Jess, please can you take me to him?”