Lee
I HATE THESE bloody rooms; they all look the same. Someone should tell them they have to decorate, make them less depressing. It’s bad enough feeling like shit without having to stare at the clinical white walls with a smallish window and dated curtains framing it. I swear my wee granny, God rest her soul, had a pair like that in her living room. Flowery with a shitty colour.
There’s nothing here to focus on. At least when I go to the dentist and lie back in the chair, I have a nice beach picture to stare at. I know this is a hospital, but something nice to look at would help.
“I want Logan here with me,” I say to the nurse who has been tending to me since I arrived. She smiles, nodding, and exits the room, leaving me alone with doctor. I need Logan with me when they give me the results and tell me what I’m not prepared to hear. So many tests in such a short time. My body aches and all I want to do is sleep.
They’ve given me some medication for the pain and it seems to be helping because it’s easing off from the sharpness of earlier to the dull ache I feel now. The doctor hasn’t said much to me. He examined me while the nurse took blood and checked my blood pressure, which I’ve been told is high. The nurse gasped when she saw my bruising, which isn’t even that bad. I’ve seen worse on Jess.
Everything seems clearer now, as opposed to at Logan’s when everything was hazy, and now I’m scared to see him. He didn’t hesitate when I woke him up, but now I know he’s had to sit on his own and dwell on things. I know he’s going to blame himself because it’s what he does, but if I’m going to lose our baby, this isn’t his fault. It’s more mine for not watching what was going on around me.
If I had been careful, I would’ve seen the lad running and moved out of his way in time to avoid the collision. Then maybe I would be home in Logan’s arms without a care in the world.
I won’t let Logan shoulder the blame when it’s all my fault for being so careless.
The door opens and there stands Logan, looking as shattered as I feel. He’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders and I disintegrate as I see the pain in his eyes. The floodgates open and the dam bursts.
He moves quickly and is by my side in an instant, sitting on the edge of the bed, taking my hand in his. “Hey, what are these for?” He wipes away my tears with his other hand.
I shrug. “I don’t know.”
But I do know. My tears are a continuation of the building pressure I’ve felt since I found out I was pregnant. My tears are for everything I stand to lose; our baby and Logan.
“Lee, come on. Everything is going to be fine. I’m here with you no matter what.”
I sniffle and look at him. There’s sadness in his eyes but also something else. His deep love for me? I do believe him when he says that no matter what he’ll be here with me. Supporting and comforting, but most of all, loving me.
Logan leans forward and places a kiss on my lips. “I love you.”
The nurse comes back into the room with what looks like a portable scanner and my mind fills with dread. The doctor starts to speak but I don’t hear his words. All I see and hear is Logan’s deep breathing as I stare at him.
“Lee, come on. You need to let the doctor check.” His voice is soft and reassuring. He lifts the gown I’m wearing and moves from the bed to the chair beside it and takes my hand again. Our hands shake together.
“I’m sorry. This will be a little cold,” the doctor says. He offers us a smile, but it’s weak. I can tell he’s already expecting the worst. I look at Logan and he’s staring at me, neither of us looking at the screen to the side. My eyes close when the cold jelly hits my stomach. Logan’s grip on me tightens and he rubs his thumb in that soothing way he does so well, but it’s not helping. When I feel the jelly being smeared across my stomach, my whole body trembles as I wait for the doctor to utter the words I’m not ready to hear.
“Miss MacKay, please. I need you to open your eyes.” It’s the voice of the nurse. “Lee, please open your eyes.”
Slowly, I open my eyes and see Logan’s are filled with unshed tears. I can’t do this.
“Lee, look.” Logan urges me to look at the screen with a small smile.
I turn my head and watch on as the doctor adjusts the volume and, not only do I see it, but I hear our baby’s heartbeat. My body sags in the bed and my tears fall silently down my face as the doctor explains that our baby is healthy and that everything looks as it should. Emotions overtake me. Happiness fills my heart instead of grief.
Logan asks about my bleeding and the doctor explains that a lot of women bleed on and off through their pregnancies. Sometimes it can be a warning, and sometimes it’s nothing to be concerned about.
He goes on to say that, because of my accident, I should have bed rest for the next few days and I listen on as Logan tells him that he will ensure I do nothing.
“When will I be able to go home?” I ask.
“In a few hours. I want to see if your blood pressure comes back down and ensure I get you the right medication for the pain and discomfort you were feeling when you first came in. You are a lucky lady,” the doctor tells me before he and the nurse leave the room, leaving me alone with Logan.
“I’m so sorry.” I say the words in a rush. He wraps his arms around me, sitting back on the bed beside me.
“You have nothing to apologise for. But you do realise I want to wrap you up in cotton wool and keep you safe now until March?”
I laugh through my tears because I don’t doubt his words, but he’ll have a job keeping me still long enough to do it. “If you’re feeling up to it, your parents, and Jess and Fletcher, are here. I’m sure they need to see you.”
“Oh!”
“I couldn’t not phone anyone, especially your parents. I just wish I was better prepared for meeting them for the first time.”
“They’ll love you, but can I have a few moments with just you?”
“Of course.” He inches closer to me, holding me close, making me feel safe, and places the softest of kisses on my forehead.
We don’t get to stay this close for as long as I’d like. The door bursts open and in walk my parents, with Jess and Fletcher behind them. My mum looks torn in two as her eyes dance between me and Logan, but whatever is on her mind, she chooses not to speak up.
“Sweetheart, I’ve been so worried about you,” she says, kissing my cheek. Logan tries to move, but I hold onto him tighter. I need him beside me. “Stay where you are, Logan,” Mum says with a warm smile.
“I’m fine, Mum. We’re all fine.”
“Yes, I can see that.”
Mum steps to the side, making way for Jess.
“I didn’t expect to see you again so soon.”
“No, me neither. Mum, Jess asked me to be her maid of honour,” I say, trying to take the tension from the air that surrounds me.
“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” She smiles warmly, looking at Jess. Logan watches on as my dad and Fletcher stand talking to him. He looks a little anxious around my dad, but this is all new to him.
“He loves you,” my mum says, sitting down beside me.
“He does.”
“Let him take care of you.”
I look at Jess and I swear I see tears in her eyes. “I will.”
“Good, because I know he has a troubled past, but I think he’s a good man.”
I nod. My mum has it spot on. Yes, he has a troubled past that haunts him, but he is all the man I need and want in my life.