The next three years were a haze of fucking, showering, lying (mainly to myself) and learning how to stay numb. Pytor, Tobias and all my clients loved it. I earned my own place, but never ran. I don’t know why. The situation I was in was not much better than my one back home. Even after even fucking half of the wealthy population, I still felt cleaner than I’d feel if I got stuck feeling my dad’s hands on my skin. Than I ever felt with one of his friend’s inside me. So, I stayed. I was too numb to make smarter choices. Too trapped in hell to realize I was an adult who could claim her own life. I was just resigned to my fate as a hooker. The worst part was the way Anatoli looked at me. I could tell he was disappointed I gave up. I just let it all happen without a fight or an opinion.

The sex was mostly gross, but once in a while it’d be pleasurable. Those times were good. It was an escape. Either painful sex or hot sex was good, it got me out of my internal prison. Gross sex was just gross. That’s all there was to it. As much as I hated and gave up for this job it gave me my own place, a place where a moment of freedom was always hidden. It gave me food on the table and a fucked-up version of security. They kept their word, the one where they said they’d take care of me if I did my job. They did. I mean, they paid me well, helped me get situated in a new place and stepped in if I told them a client got to violent. I didn’t have a right to ask for much more than that.

Anatoli and I stayed close, closer than we probably should have been. He was like my brother. He never forced me to talk about my past, he looked out for me in his own way and, honestly, was the only person in my world at the time who seemed to care about me at all. He checked on me. He knew I’d lie every time he asked. He knew that even if I wasn’t okay he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it, but he still checked. That meant a lot. We knew nothing about each other outside of this job, and never would. Somehow, we still cared, and our weird brother/sister relationship still worked.

I had an appointment today at one. It was twelve thirty at a client’s house. I was headed over. I’d been sick for days and did not feel up to this. Pytor was not okay with sick days. Ever. I had better be dying if I was going to call out sick, so I never did. I just crossed my fingers that I didn’t throw up all over this guy or girl… or both. I got a wide variety of clientele. Let’s say I was in no sense of the word innocent.

He was a new client. Tobias asked if I could meet him at his house versus the hooker house. I agreed wholeheartedly. Anything to avoid the rest of the girls. I was in! I wasn’t looking to make friends. I didn’t need movie nights, and everyone thought I was a bitch anyway. I went to the guys house. A short white dude in a suit and overly gelled red hair answered the door.

“Shit,” I whispered to myself. I was hoping for hot sex. I was sick and now I’d have to deal with some nasty ass dude too. I felt nauseous already.

“Hello Alex, Pytor told me good things.”

He held the door open for me. I ran my hand along the outside of his trousers.

“I’m not much for small talk,” I breathed.

He was all anxiety and fumbling to remove his clothes after that. That was the point. I hated talking with the guys. I wanted sex, in and out. I took my clothes off, bored, and leaned against the counter, waiting for him. He came towards me and I looked at him and his nasty body and for some reason all the other nasty people I’d fucked came into my head. I felt sick again. I sprinted past his gawking face and ran into the restroom and threw my guts up.

“What the fuck!” he roared. “You little bitch.”

So much for anxiety.

He grabbed my hair and picked me up with full force from the toilet. My scalp burned, but more than that was the underlying sense something was very wrong with me.

“I’m sorry. I was sick before I got here. I thought I’d be fine. Let me go.”

The guy pulled me by my hair into the living room.

“You little fucking bitch. Insulting me!”

The guy was seething. I had to get out of there. The guy reached for my vagina and I elbowed him in the groin.

“I have to go. Look, I’m sorry. Okay?”

He grabbed his poor throbbing limp dick as I threw on my clothes.

“I’m going to tell Pytor. He’ll kill you. I pay well. I fucking work with him.”

I felt sick again. I bolted out of there and threw up on his doorstep, then sprinted down the stairs.

I was a dead woman walking. Pytor was going to kick my ass when he found out what happened. I ran to the local pharmacy and purchased the only thing I could think of that would describe all my symptoms. I had no period. I was throwing up. I felt nauseous all the time.

I purchased a pregnancy test.

I didn’t even let myself get upset until it was confirmed. I was a shaking mess already. I was barefoot, my hair was a mess and the lady at the counter shot me a disgusted look when she saw I was buying a pregnancy test. I didn’t care. She could shove it up her ass. If I really was pregnant and not stuck with some sort of disease or virus she was the least of my worries.

I went into the nearest restroom and peed on the stupid stick. In one instant my whole world changed. Positive. The test was positive. I wanted to take forty more to confirm, but I knew it was true. I felt it. I knew it even before I took it. I wasn’t even freaking out either. I was calm, like the eye of a hurricane. In one instant all my fight came back. I was fucking pregnant. Pain, anger, confusion, fear, love hit me like a freight train. I ran my hands through my hair and gritted my teeth. I was so fucking alone. I couldn’t raise my kid in this life, but I also couldn't get out without Pytor killing me and my kid. In the years I’d worked with Pytor I’d personally seen him kill three girls who tried to leave. It still haunted my dreams. I didn’t even like those girls, but they were so fucking young and were sick of the shit. Pytor gave them lots of warnings, but eventually he killed them all. One by one. I was out of my share of warnings, and he sure as shit would make me get an abortion. If I didn’t he’d kill my kid later when he found out I didn’t get one.

I was a panicked mess. I walked out onto the street barefoot, with my pregnancy test in my pocket. I kept running my hand through my hair. As the stress mounted the light tugging turned to full on pulling, then to ripping my hair out chunks at a time.

I was pregnant?

I didn’t even know who’s the fuck it was? My poor child. I’d never kill him… or her. I shivered as the rain poured down on me and my shirt clung to my damp skin. Pytor was surely out looking for me now. He had a wide reach, and someone would spot me. I had to protect my baby. I hid in an alley and fought tears. I had to think straight. I put my head in my hands and thought so hard a dull ache started working its way up my spine. A taxi passed me, and I waved him down before jumping in and giving him the only address, I could think of. It was the only address I could think to go to for help, that wouldn’t wind me up right on Pytor’s doorstep. I’d offer a blow job since I had no money with me. It was the only thing I had to offer. I’d done worse.             

I prayed the whole time this plan wouldn’t backfire. It could go terribly wrong. I could end up dead, but it was literally my only option. I’d fight tooth and nail for this little fetus. No one gave me a chance. I’d give this baby one. I could change. I could be better. Shit, I didn’t know. I just wanted so bad to give my baby what it needed.

I ran up to the arched doorway and rang the doorbell several times as the rain drowned me. I was a sopping wet, distressed mess. Then the door swung open.

“Alex?” Anatoli gasped with wide eyes. “What the hell are you doing here? Pytor’s gonna fucking kill you Alex. You…” I cut him off in desperation.

“Anatoli I’m pregnant.”

We paused and stared at each other.

“I have nowhere else to go.”

I’d never felt so vulnerable. So small. So desperate. Anatoli looked me up and down in shock.             

“Fuck. Come in.” I ran in and he looked both ways before shutting and locking the door. “I’m on the team looking for you Alex. You can’t stay long. It’s too risky.”

“I know.”

Then it all hit me as I looked into his kind, criminal eyes. I cried. Anatoli grabbed me and held me. I cried harder. I’d never fully cried in front of someone before, but I was pregnant and in life threatening danger. I pulled away only because I had to vomit. I sprinted to the restroom and threw my guts up… again. Anatoli watched me from the doorway, assessing me.  When I was done and washing my mouth he spoke, his tone grave.

“What are you going to do Alex? There’s clinics. There’s…”

“I’m not killing my baby!” I snapped. Anatoli’s eyebrows shot up.

“Why? It’s not like you are religious or have morals. Do you even know who the dad is Alex? I mean you used protection and stuff. It’s not like you were trying to get pregnant. This baby, it’s life will be…”

“Anatoli, I can’t.” My voice broke. There was a pause.

“Alright Alex. I’ll help you. It’s the least I can do.”

I literally collapsed to the floor in relief and put my head in my hands.

“Thank you, Anatoli. Thank you. Thank you.”

Anatoli crouched down and helped me to my feet and ushered me to the couch.

“We need a plan. I can give you a lump sum of money. You can’t go back to your place. Pytor will already have men there. All your money, everything you own is gone. Accept that.”

“Done,” I said firmly. Anatoli gave me a firm, proud nod. Proud I didn’t wallow in my loss. I impressed him. Always had.

“Like I said, I’ll give you a lump sum of money. Then you will move to a big city. A place Pytor’s men will never be able to find you in the crowds. Change your name, even slightly. Change your hair, which I know won’t be a problem for you. Change what you can. Just get out. I’ll lead them off your path. I’ll do what I can.”             

“Come with me Anatoli. You’re not a killer. A rapist. Leave this. Fake being the dad. What the fuck ever. Just come. Leave this.”

He gave me a soft look. “I can’t Alex. I can’t leave Tobias. He’s my brother. An ass, a killer, he’s done horrible things, but so have I. I found him in a shit situation. Swore I’d stick with him. I can’t leave him.” He grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

“I get it,” I mumbled. Tears threatened my eyes and I looked at him. “Shit fuck. I care about you. Shit.”             

Anatoli smiled at me softly. Big, tough guy with the warmest fucking eyes.

“You’ve been like a sister to me маленький. You can stay here for the night. I’ll make sure it’s okay. You need your sleep. Tomorrow’s a big day.”

I broke a huge cardinal rule for me and got up and threw my arms around him, for my baby. He was a little shocked but returned the awkward hug.

“Thank you, Anatoli. Thank you. If I make it through this alive you saved my baby. I will forever owe you for that. I’m naming her Anna, after you. Anton if it’s a boy.”

He pulled me away with bright eyes. He looked so much older than twenty-five when I looked in his eyes.

“Thank you маленький. Go to sleep. I’ll watch the house. I won’t sleep tonight. You have my word.”

I nodded. I trusted him. I knew he’d never betrayed me. I fell asleep soundly on the couch, so Anatoli could keep an eye on me and no one could sneak in anywhere. I was paranoid.

Anatoli put a blanket on me.

“идти спать маленький. Go to sleep little one.”

I fell asleep quickly. I had thrown up all day, been rained on, found out I was carrying a life. I was exhausted and felt temporarily safe.

A very rare feeling for me.

It didn’t last long.