“What’s your address? I’ll meet you there,” I called after them.

“Oh, hell no!” Rex shouted, but Mia shushed him.

“Babe, you are riding with us. Not a choice.”

I don’t know when I became such a fucking wimp and followed orders, but I was still in shock. That’s the only explanation I have for following them to their car. It was beyond awkward. No one said anything. Mia tried to break the silence but talking to Rex and I was like talking to two statues, so she abandoned that plan and turned up the radio.

I couldn’t keep my eyes off Rex. He was so grown up. He looked like a prince or a male model or something else spectacular. I looked down at my hair. I’d recently dyed it a cool silver color, but still, it sat limply on my shoulders. I felt so unworthy. Rex and Mia were so attractive, so kind and refined, I couldn’t even begin to think of all the things I’d done since I last saw them. I visibly shuddered.

Rex sat in the front seat, clenching and unclenching his fists. It seemed like he was about to punch someone, but since I knew Rex, I knew it was just a nervous tick. Mia put up a calm front, but I could tell she was anxious too. I was a disaster, reeling of stupid emotions I couldn’t control. First Anna, now Rex. I was genuinely afraid of going soft, but calmed myself, knowing it was impossible after losing Anna.

We pulled up to an all-white, stucco apartment complex. I stayed in the backseat with my knees curled into my side. Rex came around and opened the door for me without a word. Mia ushered us upstairs. It felt like I was dragging my body up each step.

Left Foot. Right Foot. Left foot. Right.

Mia opened the door for us. As I placed one foot in front of the other I was met with what was clearly a very fancy apartment. The walls were white, along with most of the furniture. There were flowers everywhere. I immediately knew it was Mia’s place. It screamed her MIA. I stayed by the back wall. My body plastered up against the white paint, watching them.

“I’m going to cook some dinner. I know Rex is hungry, he’s always hungry. And Alex, you must be absolutely starving after all that singing. Rex go in the living room and get Alex situated. Make her feel at home.”             

Mia threw Rex a hard look and disappeared into the kitchen. The second Mia left I felt instantly more uncomfortable. If that was even possible. This was Rex! My Rex. The little boy I once knew, in front of me, all broody and upset. I looked down at my feet and fidgeted.

“Since when do you fidget?”

“I don’t. Shut up Rex.”

“Yeah, that’s the Alex I know. Living room is this way. Follow me.”

He waved his hand, and I followed the guy like a lost puppy. He led me to a cushy white couch. I sat down on the far-left end. As far from his as possible. The second we were seated his gaze met mine. In that instant I saw the old Rex. The one who was soft and vulnerable.

“Why didn’t you tell me why you left? Why the hell would you just leave without telling talking to me. Without telling me...” Rex clenched his fists, “he was going to… touch you. I would have helped, or at least tried to help. You just vanished. I thought you died or something.”

Rex was never one to hold back his thoughts or feelings. I should have known without Mia there to buffer he’d go right for the heart.

“Rex,” I said slowly, letting my walls build back up. At the hospital I committed to keeping myself safe. To locking myself in. Rex had a way of breaking right in. I wouldn’t let that happen. Not today. Not ever.

“I wouldn’t have left if I felt I had a choice. God damn it, Rex!” Tears pooled in my dark brown eyes. Why did he make me so weak?

“He killed my mom. Murdered her. To punish me. He chained me to the bedpost. I peed myself. I slept in my own pee. He said he was going to rape me and I threw up too. I had to sit in my own vomit. I was trash Rex. Disposable. I’d had it. I wouldn’t let him rape me. I wouldn’t let him do that. Even I have limits. After all that in a twenty-four-hour timespan, I just cracked. I left. So, don’t you sit there and judge me. You have you have no idea what I’ve been through!”

“Oh my God Alex.”

He shook his head, trying to block my words. His eyes were soft. He looked guilty. Freaking guilty. That was Rex, good hearted to a fault.

“Don’t!” I snapped. “Don’t be upset and guilty and all that shit, okay? It happened. I survived. Bottom line.”

The ends of Rex’s lips turned up in something resembling a small, but it fell instantly.

“Why did you never contact me? Why did you just stay gone? I understand why you didn’t in the beginning, but…” he looked down at this hand, “you were, are, my best friend. How could you not contact me? I thought the worst. So, did Mia.”

Just like that a lump formed in my throat and a wave of nausea hit me. Shame. The only other time I felt that feeling is when I thought about my time with Pytor.

“I… I’m not ready to tell you that.”

I looked at my hands and fidgeted, swallowing continuously to try and get rid of the bile rising in my throat. I needed a shower. Now. I needed one right now.  Rex studied me for a few seconds and then nodded to himself.

“Okay. Another day.” His gaze was intense, like I’d break at any moment I hated that. I hated more was that he was right to look at me that way. Since I’d lost Anna I was unstable.

“I need a shower. Right now.”

Rex head flew back, and he furrowed his eyebrows.

A shower? Now? Mia’s making dinner. Can it wait until after?”

“No,” I said frantically. “I need one right now.”

Rex looked so unsure I almost felt sorry for him. He obviously knew something was up but wasn’t sure what it was.

“Alex, I’ll be honest. I don’t know what’s going on with you. I’m nervous to let you go in there.”

He looked so uncomfortable I just wanted to hold him, to say it that I’d wait, just so I could take that look off his face.

… but I needed a shower more. I needed to be clean.

“I’ve survived all this time without you Rex! Don’t act like I’m one step away from suicide.”

I stood up quickly, placing my hands on my hips. Rex followed, softly placing his hands on my shoulders.

“I didn’t mean to insult you Alex. You’re right. I’m sorry. There are two bathrooms. One in my room, one in Mia’s. Feel free to use either. I’ll tell Mia to hold off dinner for a bit.”

I wanted to stay mad, to be angry at someone, but it was impossible to be angry at Rex for too long. He was too pure, too kind.

“Thanks,” I mumbled. “Really. Thanks.”

“Of course, Alex,” Rex said softly.

His kind blue eyes seared into mine, melting my walls with just his gaze.

I immediately turned to face the other direction. I was faced with two rooms, Rex and Mia’s. The doors were slightly open. It was clear whose was whose. Rex’s room was navy blue with football crap all over the place, and Mia’s was white and in pristine condition. It didn’t even take me two seconds to decide which room to go into. I headed straight into Rex’s room. Most women would have chosen the girls room, it would have felt more comfortable, but not me. Not then. I wanted to be as close to Rex as possible, he was home to me. The one part of my past that wasn’t fully tainted.

I entered his room and shut the door. The second I was alone in there, overwhelmed by his smell, I lost it. I ran into the shower and let the tears fall, uninhibited. I turned the water up to scalding and cried. The pure boiling water mixing perfectly with my salty tears. I stuck my fist in my mouth to muffle my screams. It was too much. Could pain alone kill you?

For several minutes the emotional and physical pain melted into what I desperately kept hoping would be a release.

“Alex!” Mia gasped.

I dropped my hands. My tears instantly vanished. What was she doing in here? Before I could respond, or even process what was happening, she was rushing to the shower door.

“It’s okay Alex. It’s okay.”

She threw the door open and reached for me. The second her hand hit the water she pulled back and shrieked. She looked at me horrified.

“Holy shit Alex,” she whispered. Tears welled up in her soft eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

She frantically wiped her tears.

“Get dressed fast.”

She ran out of the room before anymore tears could fall, but I knew she kept crying once she left. It was obvious. The pain in her eyes when her hand hit the water cracked a piece in her armor. Less than two minutes later I heard Rex heading into the room.

“I’m coming in. I hope you’re decent. Can’t give you time to hide anything. Sorry.”

He threw the door open, but barely looked at me, being cautious in case I wasn’t dressed. He was so respectful it made me laugh. If only he knew how many men had seen me naked when I didn’t want them to. It didn’t matter to me anymore. Once he was positive I was dressed he looked up at me.

“Alex, Mia told me what happened. I heard you screaming too. Why were you hurting yourself?”

“I’m fine. The water wasn’t that hot,” I mumbled. Anatoli’s horrified face played in my mind. I remembered when he found me doing just the same thing. Rex stomped over with authority. The second he was in my space I closed my eyes. I don’t even know why I did it. It was instinct.

“Alex, I wasn’t going to…” Rex ran his hands through his hair, “I was just gonna give you a hug.”

I blinked several times. “A hug?”

“Yeah, those weird things where people wrap their arms around one another to greet them… or comfort them.”             

“I guess it’s been awhile,” I mumbled.

“Dinner!” Mia shouted from the other room.

Rex looked at me, concern etched all of his face. He hesitated, then headed to the medicine cabinet and threw a bottle at me.

“This is aloe. It should help you skin.” He paused and looked at me. “This is weird. I know but, Alex, you can trust us. Okay? See you in the kitchen.”

He left. I stared at the bottle of aloe for an eternity before deciding to just stick it back in the cabinet. I didn’t want to feel better. The pain in my skin took away the pain in my heart. I craved it. I headed into the living room where both pairs of eyes instantly landed on me. I felt so out of place. It broke my heart. Rex had always been home to me, but I felt so separate from these people now. We felt worlds apart. Sometimes fantasy was better than reality.

I noticed Mia’s eyes were red like she’d be crying. I shouldn’t be here. I felt so horrible. I wanted to leave, but I knew they’d never let me before I ate. So, I took a seat.

“I made chicken, rice and vegetables. I hope that’s okay. Rex eats all healthy now that he plays football.”

She set the food in front of us.  Rex fiddled with it uncomfortably. I pretty much did the same thing. Mia, on the other hand, took a seat and dug right in. Well, for Mia dug right in. She still didn’t each much I noticed rather quickly. 

“So!” Mia clapped her hands together. “I thought I’d tell you what me and Rex have been up to since you, uh, left.”

Rex looked like he wanted the ground to suck him up whole.

“Uh, Mia, sis, are you sure that’s a good idea?”

He tried to throw her a subtle signal, indicating he thought talking about this would be a bad idea. His signal was anything but subtle though. He didn’t know how to hold back at all.              

“Do you have any better ideas on what to talk about Mr. Closed Lips?” Mia snapped back, glaring at him.

Rex’s eyes brightened. He winked at me before turning back to his sister. We both gestured for her to keep going. Just like that I felt connected with Rex again. As she spoke he’d wink at me or do something else that would make me laugh. It took away the sting of hearing how great and normal their lives had been. Mia was engaged to a wonderful guy named Blaze and was so happy. Mia lived in Nashville and Rex was up visiting for a while, because he had just graduated college. He was trying to decide his next move. Rex played football. He’d received a full scholarship to a University back in Virginia, where I used to live. I wanted to ask if he was dating anyone but refrained. It’d be too weird. This was Rex. He was so hot, but at the same time he was still that little boy with the baggy pants who needed saving on the playground.

Rex’s looks distracted me from everything Mia said, but I knew she’d finished talking when there was a dead silence in the room. Everyone was waiting on me to speak. It made me want to rip my hair out. The stuttering girl from ten minutes ago vanished, and out came the hardened girl developed over the last several shit years. Jealousy seeped into my bloodstream like a drug.

“Alex you don’t have to…” Mia stuttered, but I didn’t even let her finish before jumping in.               “Oh, my life,” I replied with heavy sarcasm, “let’s see. I left, wound up on the street, got conned by a Russian God of some sort into being a hooker. The best part, he conned me into hell with a stupid, fucking cheeseburger. I was a fancy hooker for a lot of years. What do they call them? Escorts?”

Tears leaked down my cheeks.

“Well, I resigned to that after trying to leave several times and never being able to. I finally just settled. Then I got pregnant. I found a way out to save my daughter, went into hiding and then one of Pytor’s men, my pimp for all intents and purposes, found me and pushed me down a flight of stairs three months ago. She died. I failed her too. So, excuse the fuck me!”

I stood up, slammed my fork on my plate and bolted out of the apartment, leaving their dumbfounded faces in my wake. Fuck them. Fuck this. I needed to fuck someone. I needed an escape, something familiar. I slammed the door behind me and ran for the stairs.

“Alex!” Rex called, running down the stairs way faster than I could. He was an athlete. It was apparent in the way he moved.

“Just go away Rex. You don’t know me anymore! We aren’t kids.”

“I’m not going anywhere. You helped me when I was a dweeb in baggy pants. You made the bullies go away and gave me a friend when I had none. Let me return the favor.”

I stopped. Who knows why.

“You can’t help me Rex,” I said with my back still turned to him. “The damage is done.”

I heard him step closer to me.

“It is. I agree. You lost your daughter,” I felt a sob creeping up in my throat, “and nothing I can do will take that away but let me be here for you now. Let me be here for what’s left of you.”

“There’s nothing.”

I was full on ready to cry now, and still not facing him even though I knew he was right behind me.

“Her name was Anna, right?”

My shoulders fell. The asshole knew me in and out. He knew how to break through to me. 

“Yeah,” I somehow squeezed out.

“What was her room like?”  Tears spilled out over my eyes. I am strong. I am strong. I was resolved to being strong, to not letting him see me break again.

“It was very cute. Perfect for my daughter. I gave her the best I had. I promise.”             

“I know Alex.”

Rex grabbed my hand squeezed it. That broke me. I whipped around and wrapped my arms around my best friend. He held me steady.

“He needs to pay,” I cried. “He killed her. She’s gone.”

Then I sobbed in his strong hold. The one person who ever fully knew me. When my crying died down to choked sobs he helped me take a seat on the steps below us. He followed suit.

“I hate who I was Rex. I gave myself to so many people. I'm not as trashy and bitchy as I seem. I have morals, had them, and they were all given away for food. I tried to get out. I swear, but they broke me. They did what my dad did before I ran away. I couldn't take it. I can’t let myself have anything left to lose. Rex, I’m sorry.”

 I fell into him again and whimpered softly in his lap. His hands softly ran through my ratty silver hair. After several minutes, Rex picked me up and held my face up to meet his.

“Time to stop crying Alex. Time to pull yourself together. You’ve mourned, now make her happy. Be someone she can be proud of. No more moping, no more breaking down. Time to bring Alex back now.”

My cries turned to sniffles in an instant. He was so right. I’d look back and hate myself for being weak, for letting one event destroy me. I had to do right by Anna and this wasn’t the way. I pulled away from him and stood up.

“I don’t know where all that came from. I apologize.”

My cheeks turned red, and snot dripped down the tip of my house.

“Will I ever see you again Alex?”

My wall was up, but even protected I wanted to see him again. I wasn’t ready to say bye yet.

“I perform at that venue three times a week. I’ll be there in two days. After processing all I’ve said, decide if you still want to have contact with me. If you do come to my show.”

“I’ll be there,” he said without hesitation. I rolled my eyes.

“We’ll see. Just… think first. Think of who I am and tell Mia I’m sorry.”

With that I left, and he let me.

Knowing I was right.