Has your heart ever stopped beating in your chest?

Have you ever wished you could die because suddenly reality is no longer worth living?

That is nothing compared to how I felt in that moment.

I had gotten used to the peace I felt with Mia and Rex. I wanted to retreat. I wanted to run. To crawl into a whole.

But then I remembered Mia. That is how I got myself to move.  I would not let them see her.

I straightened myself up and forced my shaking limbs to move. I became steel in my stance, but it was fake. Easily penetrated. I made my way across the walkway of the mall.

“Why?” I somehow forced out even with the bile rising in my throat. Fighting was pointless. I knew it. They didn’t come here without a plan, especially since Pytor was involved. That fucker crossed all his I’s and dotted all his T’s. He was always ten steps ahead of me. Until I knew what their plan was I had to go along with it. To keep Mia and Rex safe.

Pytor stood back with a smirk and let my dad speak. That fucking asshole remembered my dad’s name. I should have remembered I told him that.

“Alexandra,” my dad spit out slyly.

“Alex,” I snapped with a quivering voice.

“Seems like you got yourself into some trouble Alexandra,” he laughed, gesturing to Pytor.

I glared him. He was right and there was nothing I could say.

“Well, here’s how things are going to go. You are going to come with us, peacefully. If you don’t we will shoot Mia Carter and delivery her body to Rex.

Tears sprung to my eyes. They knew she was here.

“You wouldn’t?”

A man stepped out of the shadows. I saw his gun first. For a second my heart sank. I thought it was Anatoli. Even if it was Tobias it would have ripped my heart out. For them to betray me like this would have shredded what was left of my heart. I can’t explain why. We weren’t friends, but I trusted them.

To my relief I noticed the man was clearly American. It definitely wasn’t Anatoli or Tobias. I looked at Pytor curiously.             

“Oh yes Alex. You cost me my best men.”

His voice sounded as calm as ever, but I could hear the venom in it.

I wanted to ask more, but Mia would be out any second. I looked directly at Pytor. I could read him clearly. I couldn’t read my lying prick coward of a father.

“You’d kill her here?”

Pytor smirked.

“I wouldn’t,” he stuck his thumb out to the side. “He would. He’s trained Alex. We’d get away with it. Worst comes to worst he gets arrested, but I have contacts. You know that. He’d be out soon.”             

“I believe you.”

I did and that thought made me sick.  My face fell. The pain took over and the tears slid down my face. I looked back and saw her rounding the corner. We needed to leave now. I sprinted forward, and the men followed. The second we were near the car the handcuffs came out. I was handcuffed to the car door, once I was inside of course. I knew it was coming. I let the ice take over my heart and body again. I watched the mall disappear along with the last of me. I knew Rex and Mia would think the worst.  I knew whoever I was meant to become would never happen. All the resumes, all the lessons in business and relationships was for nothing. My dad, who was oddly withdrawn, and Pytor didn't say a word to me. That was the only sort of miracle I got that day. I…

I jerk back to the present when I hear a glass slam on the table. I look across the room at Sam, Gunner, Logan and Dana to remind me where I am. I hadn’t ever told my story in full detail like this, and it is fucking hard. I am out of tears to cry. I only seem to cry around one person and he is right next to me. He is the one who slammed the glass on the counter. It occurs to me in that moment he probably never knew why I left, and I want to sink into the ground and die rather than confront him now. I look down at my lap, and as if on cue, start shaking like a leaf. I can tell my story in a numb, detached state, but not like this. Not with Rex’s emotions in the game. I can’t do that and stay together.

“What?” he screams, blood dripping down his hand from the glass.  His voices echo across the room. I cower. It is the loudest I’ve ever heard him, but this Rex isn’t the same Rex I knew as a kid and a young adult. Understandably so. My life touched his and destroyed it.

“I….I... “I stammer. Paralyzed. I hadn’t faced this part of my life. Ever. Not since it happened. I never thought I would have to. It didn’t matter. It does now. It really fucking does.

“Your father and that fucking Russian were at the mall that day?” His voice is shaking with rage. “That is why you left!”

I squeak and nod.

“Holy fucking hell!”

 His breathing is irregular, and his hands are fists as he runs them through his hair, swiping drops of blood through his thick black hair. I glance up a moment and see Gunner watching him cautiously. Only Gunner knows every detail of what his association with me cost him. I understand Sam and Dana’s suicide attempts more in that moment than I ever have, because I suddenly wish I had offed myself years ago.

Sam clears her throat. I glance up at her from my hidden, slouched posture. Her eyes show the tears that are threatening to leak, but she has that familiar steel look in her eye.
“Guys, let’s give them a moment.”

Her voice is sounds hoarse, but I swear to God I could kiss her for picking up on the que to leave. Continuously proving why, she is the person I let in my life after all that hell.

Everyone stands except for Gunner. He hesitates. He eyes find Rex’s, then Dana’s (who is sobbing), mine and then back to Rex.

“Is everything good?”

Rex is lost in his own world and doesn’t even hear him. Sam rolls her eyes and grabs Gunner’s shoulder roughly. The look on his face would have been funny if it wasn’t for everything else going on.

“Come on Gunner,” Sam says, sounding annoyed. “Give them a moment.”

He looks weary but leaves with the rest of them. The room feels empty with just me and a very emotionally conflicted Rex in it. I want them back but would not be able to deal with the shame of falling apart in front of them. I want them to stay in my life forever. Sam is right to have them all leave.

There is a long silence. Neither of us know what to say. Rex crosses the room first. I stand up and trip over my back foot trying to back away from him. The look in his eye is terrifying. The energy surrounding him is legal. I back against the wall and cradle my injured hand as my head slams against the stucco. I'm not paying attention to anything other than escaping him. Rex stands directly in front of me. His eyes are full of hatred and disgust.

“Why didn’t you tell me this! I had a right to know.”

“I… Rex. Please.”

“No Alexa! Just no.”

“What happened?” he grits out. His hands push me against the wall harder. I wince as the pain shoots down my arm. He looks down at my hand and for a moment his eyes soften, but then steel up again when his eyes meet mine. “Mia died for this, and you kept it from me.”             

Tears pool my eyes. “I know.”

“Then do something about it!”

I don’t know what is happening, but my legs start to wobble, and my breathing becomes erratic.

“I can’t…” I start choking. I begin to realize it is a panic attack, but it feels like more. It feels like I'm having a heart attack. Stars fill my vision.

“Rex, I can’t breathe,” I say quickly before my legs give out.

He catches me, it’s reflex. Once I'm in his arms he lets me hover above the ground for a few seconds, conflicted. He didn’t want to catch me. That part of win wins, because he drops me and crosses the room before turning to face me again. I put my palms on the floor and throw up. It all hits too fast. The badass I became feels more like a distant memory in this moment than a real person. I try to breath, in and out, in and out, but I can’t. I hear footsteps but can’t think. Can’t move. I just want it to end. The pain. The overwhelm. I feel a large hand touch my lower back gently.

“Breath Alexa. Come on.”

The voice is not as angry. It’s not soft, but it is offering comfort, so I take some slow breathes. The air coming out shakes. I still feel dizzy. I choked sob escapes my lips. I’m so uncomfortable; physically, mentally, spiritually. I see Rex text someone as I cough, cry and struggle to breath. Once the text is finished his hand is back on my lower back.

“Alexa. Come on.”

His voice sounds more pained now. I continue to choke and cough. I see Rex look over and then he stands up. The door opens and shuts. I look over panicked, terrified he let someone in who could see me like this. He raises his hands as if to say he’s alone. I immediately look back down and try to breath. My breathing has become more regular, so my body uses that as consent to start crying. The pain I feel is all consuming.

“Up you go Alexa,” he says with strain as he picks me up off the floor. He pretty much has to drag me back to the couch. I take deep breaths; in three, out three. It’s some stupid breathing exercise I learned from Dana. She’s talked about it endlessly. Once I finally start to calm down Rex holds something out and hands it to me.

“Mouthwash,” he says flatly. “There’s a cup on the table.”

I grunt, trying to say thank you somehow. I pick the cup off the table. I swirl mouthwash around in my mouth as long as possible, trying to buy time. As the minutes pass Rex stops pacing and cocks an eyebrow at me. I swirl it around an extra minute just to be stubborn and then spit it out into the cup. I swirl the cup to the farthest end of the table, because I don’t want to look at my spit. It’s fucking disgusting. The second the cup is out of my view the anxiety is back, but the pain has vanished. In its place is anger. My safe place. The one emotion I am okay with expressing. I can’t really pinpoint when other emotions became unsafe to express because for as long as I can remember anger has been my only alli. The emotion that’s kept me strong.

“I don’t know what you want from me Rex! I can’t take any of this back. I wish like helI I could.”

“I’m not asking you to fucking take it back Alexa! I’m just asking for the truth.”

“I can’t give you that,” I say turning away from him. “I’m really sorry. You don’t want to hear it. It won’t help anything!”

“If I had let you keep talking would you have told it. You were pretty zoned out there Alexa. You gave details I never thought you would.”

I feel my cheeks turning red. “I will never be zoned out enough to say what happened that night.”

Rex rolls his eyes, but there’s a hint of pity behind them this time. “It’s not like I can’t guess.”

“Guessing and reality are two different things.”

The reality is Mia’s death is my fault. If hadn’t been for the choices I made that night none there would have been no tragedies in Rex’s beautiful life. He can’t know. Mia would still be here in all her shining glory, married to the love of her life, a man who’d fight the devil himself to save her. If it wasn’t for me. Blaze may have been a country boy, but his name came into play when it came to her wellbeing. He was all fire and brimstone when it came to Mia’s safety and happiness.

“So, we are at a standstill then.”

“I guess so,” I say with a quivering voice.

Rex doesn’t waste a second. He crosses the room in a flash and has me pinned to the wall again. I guess this is his damn signature. His forearm crosses my chest, holding me there.

“Listen to me carefully Alexandra Ray…” my body reacts instantly to that name. I jerk in his arms, but he’s strong and all it takes is him bringing his second arm into play to subdue me. I spit in his face.

“Don’t call me Alexandra,” I seethe. My voice is ice. I don’t care if it is Rex. I will end whoever calls me by that name.

Rex takes his other hand off me to wipe his face. I am still glaring daggers into him.

“Listen to me. If you don’t tell me I am wasting my time here. I will walk right out of this room and I will make sure you never see me again. I know your instinct is to follow your ego and say, ‘fuck you’ and watch me leave, but I fucking know you Alex. This will kill you. It will eat you up inside more than anything else will. I was there after Anna died. I know you can handle a whole hell of a lot of pain, but you don’t love easy. When that love is lost it destroys you. You don’t want me to leave forever, and you sure as hell don’t want to dishonor Mia’s memory. Despite everything you loved her, and she believed in you more than anyone else ever did. So,” he says pushing his arm into me before letting go. “What is going to be? The truth or regret.”

“I’ve already lost you though,” I say, feeling my body slump, “and I did love Mia. Very much.”

I feel like my heart is being strangled by a boa constrictor. 

Rex takes a small step forward again and puts his hand on my cheek. I flinch at the contact, but he doesn’t move his hand. He simply moves my hair behind my ear, not letting me hide behind it.

“Do the right thing Alex. Come on.” His voice is soft. Desperate. Encouraging.

I find the couch and sit down, exhausted, and honestly weighed down by the lies. “This is between me and you. Not them. I really was going to skip this part.”

Rex nods. His lips draw into a fine line, and his hands clench into fists. I can tell he is preparing himself for the truth. I glance over at him to affirm he really wants to know. I take a seat on the couch with my knees tucked into my chest when I see exactly what I thought I’d see. He doesn’t want to know, he needs to. Tucked in a ball like this is not a typical stance for me. It’s too vulnerable, too weak, but I need that right now. That protection. I close my eyes tight and let my brain float away to another time.