I woke up and already knew. It was so fucked up, but I already knew. There was beeping all around me but none of it phased me.

“What happened?” I asked the nurse.

I could feel her standing next to me. I didn’t open my eyes yet. I wasn’t ready. When I sensed her demeanor change I opened them and gave her a hard look. The memories were fuzzy, but something felt off.

“Sweetheart…”

“Don’t sweetheart me. What the fuck happened?”

“Okay, um, you were pushed down a flight of stairs. Ma’am, I’m so sorry you…” the lady stuttered, choked up. “Ma’am, you lost your baby.”             

I knew I had other injuries, but as a woman she knew I wouldn’t give two shits about that until I knew what happened to my baby. Anna was gone. I failed her. She was dead. My world spinned and I stared at her blanked faced.

“I need a shower.”

The lady blinked several times. “Sweetheart you…”

“I told you not to call me sweetheart!” I shrieked.

“Okay I hear you. You have stitches. Lots of them. You won’t be able to shower for a while.”             

“God damn it! I just need a fucking shower. That’s it. A shower.”

The lady sighed. “You have a multitude of stitches in your head. You have a broken leg. You have a severe concussion. You’re lucky not to have a spinal cord injury or internal bleeding. You aren’t showering today. Bottom line.”

I could tell the lady didn’t want to be that harsh with me, but she knew she didn’t have a choice. I wouldn’t listen any other way.

“I need to be alone.”

She nodded. “The doctor will be in soon. For what it’s worth I am so terribly sorry.”             

The nurse checked a few things on the machines next to me and left. Once she was gone I let the darkness consume me. I lost my baby. I felt the need to cry but couldn’t. The pain ran so deep, even tears wouldn’t fall. I sat still in the silent hospital room. The emptiness I felt was soon replaced with anger. Pytor did this! He fucking did this. How the hell did he find me? Tobias popped in my head, but no. He was too loyal to Anatoli, and somehow, I knew there was more to him than the evil he portrayed. If anyone should get that, it should be me.

No, Pytor did this on his own. I’d kill him. For my baby he’d die! I wanted to kill him with a passion I’d never felt for anything before. I knew if I got anywhere near him I would be stuck in the trap I was in before… or more likely dead because I would never go back to that life. If not for myself, for Anna. As much as I hated to admit it Pytor was smarter than me. He’d always outsmarted me. I had to think this through. My revenge had to be slow and subtle, but I would get revenge. That much was certain. He’d pay.

I stayed in the hospital as long as necessary. I followed all their orders but didn’t say anything to anyone. I said two words the whole time.

“I fell.”

That’s it. I wasn’t ready to tell the cops what really happened until I knew what my revenge would be. I needed to be sure I could trust the cops to get him or I’d be dead, and Anna would never be avenged. That’s all that mattered to me. Avenging Anna.

I went home a little over a week later. I had all these instructions, mainly for my head, but I didn’t really listen to any of them. I didn’t care. I had a boot for my leg, which I wore, but that was about the only instruction I followed. I knew I was lucky I didn’t have any other serious injuries, but I had no shits left to give. I lost my baby. My strength. My whole life. I wished I’d cracked my head open, but I didn’t. I wanted to kill myself, but revenge weighed too heavily on my mind to do that.

When I got home I helplessly set my stuff down on the tile floor. Where do I even go from here? This was an apartment for two, Anna and me. Without her it felt empty. Desolate. My mind wandered back to the little blue and yellow room down the hallway to the left. Anna’s room. My heart broke into a million little pieces. It became real I would never be prepared for. I stormed into the nursery and ripped everything to shreds. I tore all the pictures off the wall. The ones I bought with my hard-earned money. I ripped pieces off the crib. I threw her clothes across the floor. Only when the room was a total disaster did I fall to the floor and cry. I cried for everything I’d lost. For my baby, by far my greatest loss, my only real family. I hardened another level after that. I just became downright cold, as if I wasn’t already before. Once I was able to pick myself off the floor I bolted down to the manager’s building.

“Alex!” he gasped. “I am so sorry for what happened…”

I cut him off. Already annoyed. Already done.

“I can’t stay here. I need out of my lease. Today.”

“Alex, it’ll be a lot of money. I…”

“Mr. Reson!” I snapped. “I lost my baby girl! She’s gone. Her name was Anna and she had a bedroom down the hall to the left of my flat. It was blue and yellow,” a tear slid down my cheek. “I loved her. I… I can’t stay here another day. Those stairs, that room will always remind me of what I lost. Please. Just fuck, someone cut me a fucking break here.”

“Okay,” the manager cleared his throat, visibly upset by my loss. “I’ll figure it out. You can get out of your lease, emergency circumstances. I’m so sorry Ms. Ray. I’m just so freaking sorry.”

I nodded. If I opened my mouth, I’d cry.

“Thank you,” I mumbled. I gave him the cash he needed to close me out and left. I threw as much shit as I could in my bags and just left the rest. I didn’t care. I needed to get out. I spent the night outside of a coffee shop and then found a place the next morning a little way out of town by bus. I didn’t buy anything for the place. I just stuck some of my sheets on the wood floor and decided to use that. It didn’t matter. I pulled out my guitar and for the first time I stopped singing top 40 shit. How could I sing about sex, drugs, alcohol and parties? My baby was gone. My music got darker. More expressive. I liked Lana Del Rey, Eminem, and Avril Lavigne. I just wanted to get the shit out of me. I started auditioning to places with that music. I had to pick myself back up. It was suicide or moving forward, getting revenge, I refused to sit in this in between land of doing nothing and crying my eyes out.

A lot of places rejected me, but the places that liked me, really liked me. I became a regular, something that was really hard for me to obtain before. The stage became my place to escape. Well, the stage, alcohol and drugs. I drank like it was water and used pot, coke and whatever other shit I could get my hands on, which wasn’t often. I couldn’t let it affect my ability to function too much in the day to day. I needed my music gigs and I needed revenge. I wouldn’t let anything stand in my way of those two things.

Avril Lavigne became my staple artist to perform. I liked her anger, her angst. “Let Go” and “Nobody’s Home” were my favorite songs. They related to me. I was performing at my favorite place, admittedly pretty drunk, when my world flipped again. The stage was a small wooden platform with a single chair on it, and a spotlight right down the center. I started performing “Let Go” as usual. At first it was normal, I closed my eyes and let myself feel the music surround me. Around the course I opened them and looked around the crowd.

“Why should I care? You weren’t there, when I was scared, I was so alone…” I sang as my gaze drifted around the audience. My gaze immediately locked with a man with thick black hair that was evenly parted, wearing a white t-shirt. He had intricate tattoos all along his arms. I recognized him immediately. I’d recognize him anywhere. He was more muscular than I’d last seen him, but there was no doubt in my mind. It was Rex. Fucking. Rex. I just about choked on my song. It took everything in me to finish. It was my last song of the set. I had to finish. I needed the money. It had been three months since I lost Anna and rent was still tough at this new place.

The second I finished I set my guitar down with wildly shaking hands and thanked the audience. I immediately bolted off the stage. I had to avoid a run in with him. I couldn’t handle it. I’d fall apart. I knew I would.

As I made my way down the stairs on the side of the stage I ran straight into someone over six feet with jet black hair. I gasped. All the air left my body.

“Alex?” the man said, studying me. Rex was a boy not a man. My brain was swirling. He felt like a whole different life ago.

“I…” I stood there stunned. I couldn’t move. Think. Process. It was too much. It was all too much.

“Alex?” the voice said again with more concern.

My breathing was picking up. Holy shit, I was having a panic attack.

“I… I can’t breathe.”

I was shaking from head to toe. It felt like I was having a heart attack. A strong hand grabbed my wrist and pulled me through the crowd, outside into an ally. I leaned against the brick wall and tried to take deep breaths but couldn’t. I couldn’t breathe. My body was acting as if I was under attacked.

“Alex breath, alright? Come on. I knew it was you. Just breath. It’s okay.”

The man started rubbing my lower back. It was Rex. It couldn’t be Rex. Not now. Finally, between his soothing voice and the hand on my lower back, my breathing calmed.

“Rex?” I finally asked. He gave me a firm nod.

“Are you Alex Ray? Am I right?” I made an odd squeaking sound. “You look different.”

“You too,” I whispered. I felt awkward, scared, just down right fucking overwhelmed.

He ran his hand through his hair. “Mia’s here too.”

Immediately the panic came back.

“I… I can’t,” I stuttered. “No.” I closed my eyes tight. “It’s too much. Anna then you. Then…” the panic attack was back. I couldn’t breathe.

“Alex!” Rex snapped. Anger always got my attention. When I opened my eyes again, his gaze was soft. He played me. He still knew me. He knew anger would make me want to retaliate.

“I’m back,” I whispered.

“Who’s Anna?”

My whole body went cold. Just as I was about to clam up even further a tall girl with silky straight black hair rounded the corner.

“Rex! Rex!” When she saw him, she rolled her eyes and relaxed. “Damn it bro, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”             

Then her gaze flickered over to me and so many emotions crossed her face. Curiosity. Confusion. Horror. Shock. Joy. Hope. Disbelief.

“Do you know her?” she barely got out. Her voice was breathless, and her body was tense.

Rex walked over to her and placed a firm hand on her shoulder. Clearly giving her strength.

“It’s Alex,” he said firmly.

“Alex!” Mia gasped. Then, unlike me and Rex, her feelings all dissolved, and she ran over and threw her arms around me. “Oh babe, I am so glad you are okay. I thought the worst. Oh my gosh I can’t believe you are here!”

I stiffened even further if that was possible. Rex came over and gently pulled his sister off me.

“Mia, sis, we don’t know what Alex has been through,” he whispered to her, but I could clearly hear him. “Maybe throwing yourself at her isn’t a great idea.”

She looked horrified. “Oh my gosh Alex. I’m so sorry!”

I couldn’t help it. Despite the shock, the horror, she was still the same. So innocent. So bright. I started laughing, giggling actually, and Mia eyes brightened at the sound of my laughter. I felt such guilt for what I put them through. My laughter died immediately.

“You should join us? We were just having a drink, but we can…”

Rex interrupted her, looking at me with a hardness that wasn’t there when I last saw him. Well of course not. We were fucking kids.

“Mia, Alex smells like she’s had enough drinks for tonight.” Just when I was about to bite his head off, he continued. “Also, before you came Mia, Alex was explaining who Anna was. I’ll explain context later.”

He turned his gaze back to me.

I felt everything swirling around me, then my legs gave out. I heard Mia gasp, but Rex caught me before I hit the floor. He gently set me down and crouched in front of me. Mia plopped right down next to me in the gross murky water of the alley.

“Jesus Alex,” Rex muttered, clearly referring to what a disaster I was.

“Anna was my daughter,” I couldn’t hide the anguish and raw pain from my voice, “my baby girl. I… I never met her. I lost her three months ago.”

Mia gasped as tears rolled down her face. Rex looked confused, shocked and then angry.

“Who is the father?” he gritted out.

“You don’t want to know,” I whispered, looking at my feet, ashamed.

“It’s your fucking father isn’t it!” he yelled. “God damn it!”

Mia put a hand on him before he totally lost it.

“No, it’s not. That’s… that’s why I left.”

My voice was barely a whisper.

“Enough Rex!” Mia snapped. His hard gaze turned to her. “We both want answers, but they don’t all need to happen tonight. This is what’s going to happen. Both of you,” she emphasized, looking at the pair of us.

“Alex you are coming back with us tonight. I don’t know what your living situation is or what is going on with you, but until I do you are coming with us where we have a warm bed, a shower, hot food on the table and someone to look out for you.”

“I have a place…” I began to argue, but she held up a finger. She was always way harder headed than me, when she wanted to be.

“This isn’t a debate sweetie.”

She stood up and extended a hand out to me, which I took. When I was on my feet, standing directly in front of her she let me go. Before we all headed out, she turned back to face me.

“By the way, you are a stellar musician. Who knew?” She winked.

That was Mia. The person who knew exactly how to handle a situation.