Marcus
“Only what I’m comfortable with, I remember, Daddy.” Eric looked at me like he was getting frustrated with repeating the same thing over and over again.
That was all right. It was keeping him from remembering how nervous he was.
I reached over and squeezed his leg. “I’m just making sure you don’t forget.”
He laughed. “How could I? You’ve made me say it so many times it’s burned into my brain.”
“Do you think they’ll like the cookies?” I thought they’d turned out good, and judging by the number of cookies Eric had asked for, he did too.
His eyes lit up, and he looked down at the plate he was balancing on his lap. “You did a wonderful job on them. I would have just bought them from the store.”
Eric had watched me make the cookies as he’d colored, finishing his picture so we could hang it in the nursery. He hadn’t said anything about not knowing how to make them. “If you like, the next time I make cookies we can do it together.”
He wasn’t fully immersed in his persona, but his eyes shone with a childlike excitement. “Can we make oatmeal raisin ones? I had a babysitter when I was little who used to make those.”
“Did you get to help?”
“A few times. She didn’t stay around long. I think she found a new job or something, but she liked to bake and we did all kinds of stuff together.” His voice trailed off, and I could see his grip on the plate tighten.
There was more to the story. I could see it in his eyes.
Knowing how cold his parents were, if he’d grown attached to someone, they would have made sure that person disappeared out of his life. Just the memory of the cookies he’d baked was strong enough to elicit an emotional response, so she wasn’t simply a random babysitter to him.
Not wanting the mood to turn dark before we got to Marshall and Robbie’s house, I tried to steer the conversation back to something happier. “What else would you like to learn how to bake? The dinners that you made me at your house were great. I’m sure you can bake, once you get some practice.”
I could see him trying to shake off the memories. Another time, I wanted to hear more about his childhood, but that wasn’t going to be an easy topic and certainly not one that could be had in mere minutes. We were almost to the house, and I didn’t want him feeling awkward when we got there.
He thought for a moment, then smiled. It was slightly forced, but he was trying. “Cheesecake.”
Laughing, I squeezed his leg again. “That sounds delicious. We’ll have to make that when we have company over because the only recipe I know makes too much just for us to eat.”
He leaned back in the seat and grinned. “I don’t know. I can pack away a lot of it.”
“You must have a hollow leg, then, because I’m not sure where you’d put it.” I reached up and gently pinched his side as the light turned red at the intersection.
Eric squirmed and tried not to tip over the plate, but that just left him open to more tickling. His laughter turned into a giggle and he was starting to lose the battle with the cookies, so I stopped as the light turned green.
He was still smiling when we pulled up to their house a few minutes later. It was easy to see the worries creeping back into him, but as I walked around to his side and opened the door, he was doing his best to push the fears away.
“Do you think…Robbie will like the cookies?” There was the slightest hesitation in his voice. He was trying so hard to keep his emotions from bubbling over.
“I have a surprise for you.” I crouched down by the open car door and waited to see what he would say.
“What?” It came out a bit skeptical and a little excited.
Reaching in the glove compartment, I took out a binkie. “I want you to put this in your pocket.” He was looking at me like he thought I’d lost a few screws. “Every time you need a reminder that I’m proud of you and you can handle your fears, you just slide your hand in your pocket. Think of the binkie as a reminder that you went after what you wanted and didn’t let anything chase you away.”
I took the plate of cookies and handed him the binkie. He looked slightly stunned. It was like he wasn’t sure what was happening. I thought it could be a simple reminder. Was he worried about someone seeing it? I moved the plate to the side and inched closer.
“If you’re out somewhere else with it and it gets noticed, just tell them that you found it on the ground and thought you should see who it belonged to, or that you were going to throw it away. They won’t think anything of it.”
“That’s not it…I…” He turned the small bit of plastic and rubber over in his hands and looked at it like it was something precious and rare. “I just…Thank you…”
He leaned over and kissed my lips gently. It was soft and tender and he lingered over them for a moment. The emotions behind the kiss were clear. He pulled back, giving me one last peck, and rested his forehead against mine.
“I love you.” He blinked and I could see tears in his eyes. “You’re always thinking about me and putting me first…and everything you do is focused on making me feel stronger and proud of who I am…what I need. Thank you.”
“I love you too.” I moved my face so I could kiss him again. Pulling back, I reached up to cup his face. “Everything I do is to remind you how strong you already are…and I couldn’t be more proud of you, no matter what you did.”
“And that’s why I love you.” He smiled and nuzzled into my touch.
“Come here, Baby.” I stood, placing the plate on top of the car. Pulling him into my arms, I wrapped myself around him. “I love you.”
The cookies could wait and so could our friends…but making sure my boy knew he was loved wasn’t something I was going to rush.
****
“You know, making out in my front yard is not the best way to be inconspicuous—especially when you have cookies.” Marshall frowned at us both, but Eric just laughed.
“We’re very sorry for shocking your neighbors.” My dry response had Marshall rolling his eyes. “If you’re not going to invite us in, we might as well eat the cookies ourselves.”
“I’m a dead man if you disappear with those cookies.” Marshall shook his head. “Come on in before Robbie thinks I’m going to chase you off. He’s excited to have company.”
Marshall looked at Eric, a serious expression on his face. “It doesn’t matter if you play with him or not, or even if you’re little. We will enjoy having you over and hanging out with you. Especially since you brought dessert.”
Eric laughed at Marshall’s last comment, leaning against my arm. His stress seemed to be fading because he nodded casually, smiling. “Glad we could help. And thanks.”
Marshall invited us in, herding us toward the living room. “Robbie’s playing and watching some cartoons. You guys head on in and I’ll grab some drinks. Soda, coffee…What do you want?”
“Water’s fine. I don’t think we need the caffeine.” Even with his nap, I didn’t want Eric staying up late.
“Okay.”
Robbie was playing on the floor surrounded by cars and small buildings. He was dressed in matching shorts and T-shirt with cartoons on it. Robbie’s persona when he was little generally didn’t wear diapers, but occasionally I’d come over on the weekend and he’d be wearing them.
There was one today, and I wasn’t sure if that was to make things easier on Eric or if it was just by chance. Eric seemed to be taking it all in stride, though. There was only the slightest hitch in his step when he glanced over at Robbie, probably noticing the diaper.
Leading him over to the couch, I sat down and put the cookies on the coffee table, then pulled Eric onto my lap. Eric was stiff for a moment, but he seemed relieved I’d made the decision on where to sit for him because he leaned into me, relaxing quickly.
Robbie gave us a moment then looked up, smiling. “Hi. Daddy said you brought cookies.” He leaned over the table but didn’t touch the plate. “What kind are they?”
Eric spoke before I could say anything. “Chocolate chip…Daddy made them while I colored. He said next time he’ll show me how to make them.”
It was more than I’d expected Eric to say. Tightening my arms around him, I hugged my boy. I knew he understood how proud I was when he gave me a shy smile before turning back to Robbie. “They taste great. I already had some.”
Robbie frowned at Eric jealously. Robert was level-headed and even-tempered, but Robbie was a bit of a brat. “When do I get one?”
“When you’re behaving and are being nice to our guests,” Marshall said from the door to the kitchen.
Robbie gave him a smile, clearly trying to keep from getting in trouble. “They look delicious, Daddy. I’ve been very nice.” Then he glanced over at Eric. “You can play with my toys if you want.”
“See, Daddy. I offered my toys, that makes me a good boy.” His gaze went back to the cookies where he watched them longingly.
Marshall just laughed. “Little brat.”
It didn’t sound like it should be an endearment, but even Eric smiled as Robbie gave him a grin. “I’m being good, Daddy.”
“I’m sure you are.” Marshall gave him a stern look. “Just remember that.”
Robbie was clearly ready for a spanking, a regular part of their play, but I wasn’t sure Marshall would take their play in that direction without knowing how comfortable Eric would be. I was grateful for his discretion because I wasn’t sure how Eric would take it. He’d done very well at the club, but having the safety of a group to hide in was very different than sitting in their living room.
Marshall came over to sit in an oversized chair that matched the couch. “Two for now, then maybe another after your bath if you behave.”
Robbie’s eyes lit up and he moved closer to the coffee table, sitting with his legs crossed, trying to look sweet. “Thank you, Daddy!”
Marshall handed Robbie his dessert, and I grabbed one for Eric before leaning back against the couch. “You guys having a good weekend?”
Nodding, Marshall settled into his seat while Robbie devoured his first cookie. “We took it pretty easy. Robbie earned some new toys, so he’s been playing with the new buildings while I got some work done around the house. You two?”
“Pretty much the same. Just hanging out. I should have been doing more research about job ideas, but I’m having trouble picking a direction.” Eric was quiet while I spoke, eating slowly and watching everything that was going on.
I knew he would join in with either the conversation or the toys when he was ready, so I kept going. “There are too many options. I know several guys who went into private security, but I haven’t liked what I’ve heard from them. I think I just need a change.”
“How big of one?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like something drastic or just a little different from what you’re doing now? You have a lot of experience with kids after being in the school for so long, and you’ve got your police experience to pull from. How big of a change do you want?”
“Big. I hate to say it, but with my lifestyle, working with kids might go wrong if things got out, and I’d like to have more flexibility with my time.” Being home with Eric more would be perfect.
With the way things had been going, I could easily see us living together, and he already worked insane hours some weeks. We didn’t need both of us doing that. Marshall nodded, stretching out in the chair. His eyes got a faraway look and I could see his mind turning the problem over in his head.
“What about working for yourself?”
“Like a franchise or something? I don’t know, that sounds like a lot of rules and red tape.” I shrugged. “I thought of that, but most want a big buy-in and I’m just not passionate about the idea.”
Marshall shook his head. “I can understand that. I wouldn’t want you to tie up your savings like that. No, I was thinking about owning your own business. There are lots of small business loans, and if you found an already established business that needed a new owner, then stepping into it would be easy.”
When I didn’t automatically say no, he kept going. “It would give you the flexibility to work as much as you wanted, or depending on the business, you could hire people to give you a more reasonable schedule. And who knows, if you find the right option, it could be flexible enough that Eric could hang out with you or even help out, if that’s what you guys want.”
“Working for myself sounds great, but that just gives me more options to look at. I’m drowning in choices right now.” Everyone laughed, but I wasn’t sure I was kidding. I’d always thought the perfect option would just show up at the right time, and surprisingly enough, life wasn’t working out that way.
Robbie had finished his cookies and moved back over to his toys. Eric was only half-listening to the conversation. His intent gaze was following Robbie’s every movement. Marshall and I both cautiously watched his reactions while trying not to draw attention to it.
“I think there are some good options out there. I’ll keep my ear to the ground for you.” Marshall eyed the cookies before grabbing another one.
“Thanks.” We kept things light, talking about plans for the week and who they’d seen at the club the last time they’d gone.
“You guys haven’t been much lately.”
“Eric’s been working long hours, so I haven’t wanted to keep him out late on the weekend.” We were also still getting our footing with the age play part of our relationship. I’d wanted to give him time to adjust before we spent a lot of time out in public in that kind of setting. “He’s got stuff going on this weekend with some friends, so maybe the following weekend.”
“Maybe we’ll see you up there. We’ve been thinking about doing another scene and are still working out the timing with Ben and Conner.” Marshall gave Eric a look, but Eric didn’t even notice at all.
I’d thought that hearing about the two men doing another scene would get a reaction, but I wasn’t sure he even heard us. He was watching Robbie move buildings around, reconfiguring his town, and seemed to have tuned everything else out.
The expression on his face was nearly blank, but I could see the conflicted longing in his eyes. Deciding he needed a push, I gave his leg a pat. “Why don’t you go help him?”
Eric jumped so high he nearly came out of my lap. No one even mentioned it and I gave him a hug. “I think he might need help with setting up the town.”
“Help?” He blinked at me and it was clearly taking him a minute to figure out what I’d said. “You think he needs help?”
Robbie kept quietly playing, not saying anything, and Marshall used it as an excuse to have another cookie. Eric glanced back and forth between me and the toys. I could see his brain turning in circles, trying to decide what to do.
I’d pushed him as much as I was going to. The rest was going to be up to him.
I wasn’t going to make him play if it was too much. “I think he’d enjoy the company, but only if you want to.”
Turning back to Marshall, I wrapped my arms around Eric and gave him a tight hug before relaxing so he could move out of them if he wanted. Marshall asked me about a new movie that was coming out, and that started a discussion about video game-based movies.
It gave Eric time to make his decision, and within minutes, he’d started edging his way off my lap. Marshall and I did our best to ignore his movements, not wanting to make him feel self-conscious. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but once he’d made up his mind, he stood up and walked over to Robbie and the toys.
Sitting down on the floor, he glanced over at Robbie cautiously. “Can I help?”
Robbie just smiled and handed him some buildings. “Here’s the bank and the grocery store. I was going to put them by the houses.”
Eric nodded and started helping Robbie set up the town, organizing little wooden structures and cars. When he finally peeked up at me, I smiled down at him, pride clear on my face. Even if he hadn’t wanted to play, I would have still been proud of him just for being there when Robbie was little, but acknowledging what he wanted and going after it made me even prouder.
He went back to playing, and I looked up at Marshall who looked like he was dying to say something but was obviously holding it back. I shook my head and mouthed, behave. He just grinned and started talking about some mutual friends from the club.
We talked while our boys played. It was simple and relaxing and I couldn’t help but see it as a huge turning point for Eric. He was starting to grow into his confidence and the strength inside him that had been hidden away was starting to come out. I just hoped he realized it and could see how strong he was.