Chapter 10
Arthur
I pulled into my driveway and got out of the Leaf, trying my best not to be envious of the Audi. “You don’t need more power,” I said out loud as I sat in the driver’s seat, listening to the radio.
Leaning back, I closed my eyes, my mind filled with the image of Jonas’s face as he jacked me off. It had been so long since I’d let another man touch me like that, but Jonas had made me feel so safe and so cherished that I couldn’t resist.
He’d been insistent, and my resolve to wait until we’d been dating at least a month went out the window when we kissed.
I smiled, closing my eyes, every moment seared into my memory. He is a little pushy, I thought, remembering how he’d taken charge so many times, both at his house and on previous dates. Bossy wasn’t my style, but he had so many wonderful qualities that I could overlook the need for structure and control for now.
When I opened my eyes again, I caught my reflection in the rearview mirror. “I’m sure there are things about you Jonas would change, too,” I said to my reflection with a smirk. It was true; I had a lot I needed to work on, and I was in no position to judge someone else on their shortcomings.
I turned the radio off, then groaned. I could hear noise coming from our house. Leo must have the TV on full blast, I thought.
I got out, dropping the keys as I fumbled to find the alarm, then grabbing them up and arming the car. I ran to the door and flung it open. It fell shut behind me, but I was already on the move, following the deafening sound of the video game Leo was playing in the living room.
“Turn it down!” I shouted to be heard over the cacophony of laser sound effects, carnage, and war. “It’s late!”
Leo looked at me with an expressionless face, blinked as if he was surprised to see me, then held up his hands as if to ask what I’d said.
“I can’t hear you!” he shouted over the noise.
I rolled my eyes and rushed forward, grabbing the remote and hitting the mute button. The noise dropped away in an instant, the sudden silence almost as overwhelming as the noise had been.
“What the hell, Arthur?” Leo said, crossing his arms after he threw the controller down on the ground. “Why you gotta be like that?”
“I took this away from you.”
“I took it back.”
I took a deep breath, surprised at the frustration that filled me with just four little words. He’d gone into my room and taken everything back without a second thought.
Closing my eyes, I tried to contain my anger. I would deal with this, but it would have to wait. Right now, I was too flustered to react appropriately.
I decided to switch gears.“I thought you were supposed to be working on your book report." I motioned toward the epic fantasy book that was sitting beside him, upside down, open to show that he’d already read nearly three quarters of the book. “You should’ve been able to finish it tonight.”
He shrugged. “I have all day tomorrow.”
“No, you don’t. You have volunteering in the morning.”
I sat on the couch near him, giving him enough space so he didn’t feel crowded. He wrinkled his nose and shook his head at me. “I guess you got all dolled up for your date,” he said. “You smell like a tropical island. I guess that’s an upgrade from smelling like a pothead. Did you smash?”
“That’s really none of your business,” I said, my cheeks turning hot with embarrassment. I might not be up on the latest lingo, but it didn’t take a genius to figure out my son was asking if I’d slept with Jonas. “But, no, we didn’t sleep together."
I omitted some of the facts, but I wasn’t lying. We hadn’t had sex, at least not in the traditional sense. And I had a feeling that sleep was the last thing I’d be getting with Jonas around.
“You’re so lame,” Leo said, glaring at me.
I realized I was smiling dreamily, remembering Jonas’s soft lips on my neck and ... I shook my head and forced myself to let go of that line of thinking. I had to focus. Leo was obviously in a mood, and he was in a rare, talkative mood.
I patted his leg affectionately, the only contact he allowed now that he was too old and “too cool” for hugs. He let out a big, frustrated sigh, then leaned back and crossed his arms again.
“How was your date?” he asked, his tone infused with just the right amount of apathy, trying to convince me that he was only asking and didn’t really care.
I bit back a smile. It was better than I’d been getting from him lately. “It was wonderful. He’s an amazing man.”
“You gonna go out again?”
“Hopefully.”
Leo scoffed before I could say more. “Please tell me you’re not going to wait for him to make the next move, like you’re some kind of girl or something.”
He looked at me, his lips parting in surprise, then down at the carpet. “I didn’t mean that you’re girly just cause, you know…”
“’Cause I’m gay?”
“Yeah, that.”
“I don’t act feminine.”
“I know that,” Leo said, rolling his eyes. “I didn’t mean to say that you were girly. I just don’t get why you don’t just set another date. You’re both men. Why the games?”
A lopsided grin spread across his face, and a hint of the eight-year-old boy I’d adopted shone through the gruff, adolescent façade. “I thought dating a guy would be easier than being with women. It’s not like you have to figure out what they want. You’re a guy. You know what guys want, right?”
I chuckled. “If only it were that easy. Being with another man is just as complicated as dating women. Maybe even more so.”
“It doesn’t seem like it should be. Dating girls is hard.” He stopped, closing his mouth quickly.
“Are you dating someone?” I asked, wondering when my little guy had started turning into a young man. Why did they have to grow up so fast?
“No,” he said, indignantly. “But I like this girl.”
“Does she like you back?”
“It’s complicated,” he said, then he shifted uncomfortably and changed the subject. “Can you call Principal Moss and tell her I’m sick? I’m not volunteering.”
“You have to. It’s the only way you’re going to avoid getting kicked out of school.”
“It’s not volunteering if you’re forced to do it. And if they kick me out, so what? School is lame as fu—”
“Watch your mouth,” I said, before he could finish.
“Don’t be such a prude, Dad.”
My heart skipped a beat when he said “Dad,” even though he was still being quite disrespectful. I smiled at him, the urge to reach out and brush his hair back from his face so strong. He still looked so little and so lost, just like he had the day the social worker had brought him to my house just before his ninth birthday.
And now he was older, but still that same lost, little boy, desperate to be loved. I sighed and bit my lip.
“What?” he asked, then shook his head. “No, not now. I know that look."
He crossed his arms tighter. “I’m not about to sit here and talk about feelings with you, Arthur. I’m fine. That tattling brat is the problem, not me.”
I didn’t let him deter me. “Who are your friends at school? I mean, besides the girl you like? Do you have anyone you hang out with at lunch?”
He scoffed. “Like I have time to hang out with those losers. But no, I don’t have any friends, Arthur." He turned his head and looked away, then looked back at me, defiant. “I’m a lone wolf. I don’t need friends.”
“Everyone needs a support system,” I insisted. “And not just family. You need friends you can talk to, about things you wouldn’t tell your parents. You need people who get you, and laugh at your jokes, and see you for the amazing, wonderful, empowered human being you are and not this facade you throw up to protect yourself from being hurt.”
Leo snorted. “Are you serious right now? Why would I want friends? So they can leave me like everyone else does?”
“I’ve never left you.”
He threw his hands up, his voice louder. “Well, congratu-freaking-lations, Arthur, for sticking it out nearly seven years. You made it as long as my own mother did.
“Only two and a half more years to go until you can wash your hands of me and say you did your best. That’s what she did. If you ditch me now, you can let me bounce around the system for two years, and then you’ll be just like my real mother! Wouldn’t that be an accomplishment?”
“I’m not trying to replace your mother,” I said, my voice soft as I struggled not to let him drag me into his rage. “Your feelings about your mother are valid, and I want to honor them. But you need to understand that I’m not her, and I will never leave you.”
“Sure, you won’t. What’s your limit, Arthur? How bad do I have to screw up before you’ll decide you can’t take it anymore, and take me to some group home or something?”
“I know you’re just trying to get a reaction out of me, and I’m not going for it. It looks like we both need to regroup and come back to this conversation from a calmer and more communicative place. I just need you to know that I love you, and that’s never going to change.”
I waited for him to say something, but he just glared at me. The pain was etched all over his face, but more than anything, I could see that in that moment, he wasn’t ready to explore such big feelings.
Maybe Jonas can help me, I thought, wondering if he’d be able to offer any insight. The expensive therapist wasn’t helping, and it was obvious that Leo was crying out for help. But I needed help to make sure I did this right. Leo deserved that much.
“I’ll wake you up when it’s time to volunteer,” I said. “Sweet dreams.”
“Whatever,” he said, and I turned and left the room.
Leo
I watched Arthur walk away; I almost laughed, but he was gone that fast. I rolled my eyes and picked up the video game controller, my novel right where I’d left it. “He’s an idiot,” I muttered under my breath.
He was always trying to feel me out and get me to tell him all my feelings. News flash, loser, I thought. I don’t have feelings. If I did, wouldn’t I be crying about my mother still?
I threw the controller across the room and stood up. I paced the living room, angrily kicking the couch pillows that had tumbled to the floor in my wake. One went straight across the room, knocking into a picture of Arthur standing beside me as I proudly displayed the fish I’d caught in the pond.
I was such a loser when I was ten, I thought. I stood there, frozen as I watched the pillow fly across the room in slow-motion. When it hit the picture, the glass cracked and the frame slid down the wall and hit the floor.
I waited, holding my breath to listen for the sound of Arthur, running down the stairs and coming to rescue the picture from the floor. But my heavy heartbeat was the only sound I could hear. I let out the air I’d been holding, my chest pained and heaving, hands shaking in rage.
The entire room was filled with little glimpses into the happy life I’d been given when Arthur picked me out of all the kids in the group home. My ninth birthday, riding a horse at the state fair. My failed attempt at karate.
I groaned, putting my hands in my hair and pulling as I wrapped my fingers around the strands, trying to feel anything but the rage that filled me. No one loves you, I heard one voice sneer in my head.
No wonder your mom left you, another said.
Must suck to be raised by a fairy, the last voice said.
The last voice was my own. What if Arthur loves the new man and his son, and stops loving you?
I threw myself onto the couch and screamed into one of the cushions until I couldn’t think anymore. Arthur was making friends, and for the first time since I could remember, he had a life. He’d even hired someone to watch the store so he could hang out with Mr. Right.
I yelled again, hot tears on the pillow, my own thoughts screaming back at me. Arthur was going to find the love he’d always wanted, and then he wouldn’t need me anymore. Why would he, when he could join a new family, complete with a perfect father and his perfect son?
Arthur was going to find out that I was worthless, and he was going to move on. I would be alone. And no one would understand me.
Nobody had ever understood me. Sure, Arthur had talked about growing up an only child, but that wasn’t the same. At least his parents had loved him enough to raise him. My dad had left, then one day, my mom hadn’t come home.
He acts like growing up an only child is even close to what happened to me, I thought, still trying to suffocate myself in the couch cushion. He was an idiot, and he would never get it.
I collapsed onto my knees and slid down to the floor, grabbing a throw pillow as I went, holding it against my face so Arthur wouldn’t hear me sobbing from his room. I didn’t want him to come running down to save me. I wanted to be alone.
That was what I deserved.