Chapter 24
Arthur
I didn’t speak to Leo that night. I was angry and hurt, in no shape to face the problem with the kindness and patience that my son needed from me. So I did what Leo would do, and slept through my problems.
When I woke up the next morning, the numb feeling had been replaced with crippling despair.
I walked through the house in a daze. Half-cooked, half-eaten pizza was still spread out on the kitchen counters. I wonder who turned off the oven, I wondered, but I was sure it was Jonas. He was always so thoughtful, and he would worry that in my emotional state, I might forget to turn it off and burn the pizza and the house down.
I didn’t know why, but that realization made the pain that had settled in my chest nearly ten times heavier. It would’ve been easier if Jonas was a thoughtless jerk.
I knocked on Leo’s door and entered without waiting for a response. He was sitting on his bed, arms wrapped around his pillow, looking every bit like the little boy I’d gone to pick up at the group home so many years ago.
“Do you hate me?” he asked quietly.
“Why did you do it?”
He took a deep breath and exhaled an avalanche of tears, breaking down into fresh sobs and rocking with his pillow clutched to his chest. “Because I don’t want you to leave me!” he shouted when he finally spoke.
“I’m trying so hard to be the son you always wanted, and I just can’t. I can’t be like Eddie. I can’t do anything right, and I know you’re just going to throw me away like everyone else did. I’m damaged, and I’m never gonna be good enough.”
He flopped onto the bed, and his shoulders shook with each sob. His words sank in one devastating declaration at a time.
I’m trying so hard.
I’ll never be good enough.
I’m damaged.
Things we’d all thought at one time or another, but somehow moved past. My heart shattered into a million pieces as the implications set in.
My own son had set me up with a stranger on the internet because he was afraid that we would blend him right out of our new family.
I sat down on the edge of the bed, rubbing his back, running my fingers through his hair like I had when he was little and his feelings were too big to handle.
We sat like that until his sobs quieted and he turned his head my way. He looked off into his pain, eyes glazed over, his thoughts surely a mess of hormones, broken dreams, and the trauma of all he’d endured in his short life.
“Do you hate me?”
“No, Leo. I don’t hate you.”
“But you’re mad.”
“I’m upset and confused, but I think I’m starting to understand.”
“I’m sorry." He wiped the tears from his face. “Is Jonas going to leave us now?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know, Leo. I really don’t.”
“What can I do to fix this?”
“You’re going to have to own up to what you did and admit your mistake.”
“They’ll think I’m a jerk.”
I chuckled. “I don’t want to shock you, but I think that ship has sailed and returned to port a few times, Leo. You haven’t exactly been easy to handle.”
“Or to love." He was despondent.
“That’s not true. Through all of this, I have always loved you.”
“Like your own son?”
“You are my son, Leo. Nothing can change that.”
“But I’m such a screwup.”
“You don’t think I was perfect growing up, do you?”
“I guess not.”
“That’s why we need parents, Leo. To guide us through our mistakes and help us grow. You’ve made a lot of positive changes, but this is going to take everything you have to overcome it. What you do now will make a difference.”
He sat up and put his arms around my waist, leaning his head on my shoulder. “What do I do now, Dad?”
“You have to talk to Jonas and Eddie.”
“I can’t. I’m so ashamed.”
“I understand, but that’s how men deal with their problems. We own them, apologize and move on.”
“Do you think it will work?”
I shrugged. “We can’t know until we try.”
“All right,” he said, sitting up and wiping his face again. “I’m ready.”
Good thing he’s ready, I thought. Because I sure wasn’t.
Jonas
I pulled into the driveway just as the sun was dipping low on the horizon, averting my eyes when they landed on the welcome mat by the kitchen door, the memory of that man kissing Arthur still so fresh in my mind.
“Can’t we just tell Arthur we know Leo did it?” Eddie asked.
“I’m sure Arthur knows that I know that. But this isn’t about Arthur.”
“It’s about Leo.”
“No. This is about our family. We’re not going to grow as a family if we place all the blame on Leo’s shoulders.”
Eddie looked shocked. “He’s the one who pretended to be Arthur and started an online affair with some random dude.”
“I know that, but that’s just a symptom of the issues. Something made Leo think that was his only option. If we deal with the root of the problem, we’ll find a better resolution.”
“Like his panic attacks?”
“I’m sure they’re all rooted in a deep fear of being abandoned.”
“He’s so broken.”
“You know what they say about broken things, right?" He shook his head and I smiled. “The cracks are where the light gets in.”
“Whoa. That’s deep, Dad.”
“Leo needs our love, but he also needs to know that he can’t do stuff like that again. I want you to watch and listen. Because this moment is going to be when we find out whether we make a good team.”
“Does Arthur know that you’re not freaking out about last night?”
“I’m not sure. We talked earlier, but I’m still feeling a lot of conflicting emotions that I’m trying to work out myself.”
He wrinkled his forehead. “Why? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Actually, I think I did. I just have to find a way to set it right.”
We walked up to the door and knocked, waiting to be invited in for the first time in weeks. Arthur met us at the door, his face pinched and strained. He was hurting for Leo, and I couldn’t imagine loving him more.
We all sat down around the dining room table and waited for Leo to speak.
He looked so small, looking to his dad for assurance, and obviously feeling about an inch tall after what he’d done. “My dad didn’t make a date with that man,” he said. I noted he was using Arthur’s title instead of his name, but I bit back the smile that threatened. “I was angry, and I made an online profile and started talking to guys. Oliver was the only one who took the bait.”
“Why did you look surprised when he showed up?” I asked.
“To be honest, I kinda forgot about it. I mean, I just—” he sighed. “I told him to come, but I never checked my email to see if he agreed. Then I got busy, and I just forgot.”
“That was an incredibly dangerous thing to do. You don’t know who you’re talking to online. That man was a creep, and your dad could’ve been in danger if he’d been alone." I leveled a stern gaze at him, and he squirmed, but didn’t look away. “If he’d come when you were alone, it could’ve really gone bad.”
“I know. And I’m sorry. I hope you won’t dump my dad because I’m a crappy son. I really am trying, I just don’t know why I’m so scared.”
I nodded and looked at Arthur. “I think I do." All eyes were on me when I went to stand next to Leo, squatting down so we were at eye level.
“Arthur and I took a big step without talking to you or Eddie about it. Even if you think that’s what you wanted all along, you’re still losing the life you knew. Does that sound about right?”
He nodded.
I pressed on. “Leo, your whole life has been out of your control, so it makes sense that something that big would send you looking for a way to regain control. I get it. What you did was wrong, but we’ve all made mistakes, and I’m sorry for jumping the gun without considering how you and Eddie would feel about things.”
He looked up at me, and I prepared myself for him to flip things so he wasn’t responsible. What I wasn’t ready for was Leo flying into my arms and clinging to me like a lost child while he cried. “Thank you,” he said between sobs.
I hugged him tight. “Leo, you’re not a bad kid. You’ve been through hell, and we’re here to help you find your way out of that darkness.
“If you’ll let me, I’ll take that journey with you. Eddie will, too. Your dad’s been doing this alone for a long time. It’s time we dealt with things head on, like a family. Would you like that?”
He nodded. I turned to Eddie. “What about you? You ready to give this family thing a try?”
“I am,” he said.
I looked at Arthur, who was fiddling with his ring, as Leo pulled away and sat next to Eddie. When he handed me the ring, I held it in my hand and felt the warmth left by his skin.
He smiled at me. “I want that back,” he said. “But not right now.”
“You’re right,” I said, handing my necklace back to him. “Next time we do this, we’re going to do it right.”