10

BRYNN

Levi gave me the keys to the castle. Asked me to move in. Move here. To Chicago. Leave Boston. Leave my home. Just like that. Levi handed me keys and just like that, wanted me to give up my life. And, Jesus Christ, I wanted to.

Levi and I, we make sense. What we have together, it makes sense, it feels good. To have him come home to me and Amelia, and share our days and nights together. There's nothing else like this. He makes me believe this fairytale we're building can be real; that we can be real.

Levi is the best thing to ever happen to me and I want to give him everything. Want to give his daughter everything. I love them. I love them both more than I ever thought possible. My love for them is so big and sweeping. I don't know how to let it breathe without setting the world on fire.

I want that fairytale castle he wants to give us. We are trying, brick by brick, like he asked. But, he went and asked for the happily ever after.

“I thought that's what you wanted.” Levi looked crushed and my heart broke because I was the wrecking ball.

It is what I wanted. Living with him and Amelia, making a home and building a family. I wanted nothing else. Even if it meant never setting foot back in Boston again. There was nothing there for me, not really. Except the dues that I owed.

Dues Levi and Amelia could never know about.

“Tell me why you come into my life and change everything, make it our life then you can't make it stick?” Levi sat on the bed, elbows bent at his knees and head in his hands. Defeated. Because I could not tell him the truth that might ruin the only good thing I had.

“You wanted me to take Isabel's place.... pretend like I don't feel her everywhere? In every single room in your house? In the bed we sleep in. The bed you fuck me in? Do you think about her when you come home to me? Is it me you’re fucking or do you see her face and big tits?” I was so scared of losing him, I lashed out.

We shared something real the night Lola had baby Ford. Sharing something so special with them, with him, it changed us. I told him about Abbi, about my choices. Just not how I'd paid for those choices. Because he might understand a teenager giving up a child. I doubted very much he might understand the darkness I drowned in afterwards. 

Here I was, drowning again because I made terrible choices.

“You fucking kidding me? Tell me you know better. Tell me this is a fucking joke, Brynn. Nothing about us has a single thing to do with my wife.” Levi didn't mean it, and I knew he regretted it, but his word choice sliced me deep.

“No? Your entire house was stained by what you two were. The furniture you fucked her on. Photos you took together. Menus from the places you two ate at. Her fucking shampoo is still in your shower, Levi. And....your daughter is a part of her.” Levi shot to his feet, crossing towards me.

“Amelia is your daughter more than she ever was Iz. I had zero part in those photos or that fucking bed. They meant nothing to me. You do, Brynn. You and my daughter are my home. I am sorry photos on the wall or a fucking bed mattered to you. I'd burn them to the ground if I knew they hurt you.  Can't you see? You two are all I have, all I could ever want. I thought you wanted to make a home with me, thought that's what this is about. You promised you knew what this meant.” Panic crawled through me as he walked away, his words growing icy.

“Levi...” He whirled to face me and my heart stopped.

My beautiful king. Levi might want everything, but he deserved my everything. Tears glittered in his eyes and his handsome face was laced with pain. He lifted my hand that still held his keys. Bringing my closed fist to his lips, he pressed his mouth to the inside of my wrist. As his tears fell, he whispered softly, offering me a choice.

“Make a choice. I choose you. I will always choose you for my queen. But....I will always put my Princess first. Either be here, with us. Or don't be here with us.” I watched him walk out, taking my broken heart with him again.

Because I don't know how to make the right choice, I left.

Levi was right. I had to either be here with them, or leave. I'd been staying there almost exclusively for nearly a month. Little by little, I brought clothes, my laptop, a toothbrush, and he made room for me. We never talked about it. I just stopped going to Lola's.

A few days after Lola had the baby, I took a shower. I must have taken a dozen showers in Levi's bathroom; several of them with him. I'd just come from taking Amelia to visit the new mom and her bubbly, bright boy, Ford. I'd needed the break because my phone was full of missed calls and increasingly angry messages. To say I was sensitive might be undercutting it.

I fell apart in the shower after I grabbed the wrong body wash. Lilac scrub. Isabel's scent. It was on the sheets we slept in, the chair Levi favored and just about every breath of air I took in his home. I scrubbed it off until my skin was an angry red, sobbing because I knew I was nothing more than a stand in.

The rest of the day I spent tearing his home apart. Taking art and photos off the walls. Ripping up three carpets in the living room and bedrooms. Choosing new paint colors and even looking into new furniture pieces. Levi came home, asked no questions, and let me have my way.

“I thought this was you, making this our home.” Levi had said. And, he wasn't wrong.

But, really, I was erasing his wife from our home. A home that I had no right to. But was doing my damndest to wall myself inside of. It was safe and if I painted the walls and changed the furniture, and turned my head just right, I thought I could see a place we could call ours.

“Tell me why you are here and not there.” Lola asked me now, seven hours after I had walked out of Levi's house and ended up at the condo.

I had wandered the streets for a few hours. Passing by the bar Levi used to hang out in, where he met Isabel.  The park we took Amelia to every single Friday. Our favorite pizza joint down the street from Cage and Charli's place. The fire station, where I could hear Finn's voice booming about the call they had just returned from.

“Chicago feels like home now.” I admitted as I took the tea she offered.

“Um, duh. I'm here. That's all it takes. Bonus—the perfectly adorable Holt family. Your family.” Lola said this with a stern, pointed look and my head hangs.

“Amelia is not mine. Even if I love her like she is. Even if Levi says she is. Levi had a family before I came here. How can I feel like anything more than her stand in? Isabel...she could come back tomorrow and take that baby away from us. Take Levi away from me.” My tears marked the wood floor with perfect circles of my grief.

“China Doll. That Princess is as much your daughter as the little man who just ruined my mimsy. Family is what you make it, remember that? We had everything they could ever give us, but the only family we had was each other. You're more my sister than Poppy ever was, Brynn.”

“I... I should never have let it get so complicated. I can't stay...” Lola slapped her hand over my mouth, cursing a blue streak.

“The fuck? Yes, you can, and you are. Levi and Amelia are your family, Brynn. I am your fucking family. Hunter, my son. Ford needs an aunt, Dollface.” I peeled her hands away, shaking my head.

“I love you. I love your husband,” Her eye twitched and I laughed, “I love your son as much as if it was my mimsy he destroyed. And... I love that Princess and I fucking love Levi. Doesn't mean I can stay. In fact, it means I need to go. Should have gone months ago.” My phone lights up on the table beside us, but I know it's not Levi so I ignore it.

“Gold...I gave you excuse after excuse to stay. Because I knew you thought you needed them to allow you to stay. You didn't then and you don't now. Levi should be reason enough. Amelia is, without question, reason enough. They love you. Levi looks at you like you are a queen on a throne. He loves you, Brynn.”

“I... I can't hurt them, Midge. I can't; if Levi found out, or got hurt because of me...” I shake my head and swipe my palms over my eyes.

“China Doll. Enough. Out with it. Right now. Got to stop hiding, Brynn. We all love you. I can confirm the Ladder 71 men let no one mess with their women. Neither do the Cooper girls. You leveled up from the Golds, China Doll. Nothing is going to happen to you; look at me. My husband took on the Lawton's. We walked away and they won't bother us again. Talk to me.”

Fresh tears blurred my vision and thickened my throat. Lola might be right, but even if she wasn't, I couldn't take it any longer. One of the reasons I had come to Chicago was to open up to Lola again. I had always trusted her with everything. No reason to stop now.

Before I could consider the damage, my story began to flow.

“With Eliot and Naomi Gold as shining examples of loving parents, I knew I had no idea how to do right by Abbi. Other than find her someone who did. Was still the hardest decision I ever made. I knew it was right, but fuck did it hurt. And it kept on hurting. I felt like I had nothing left afterwards. I... tried at school for a few months. I just couldn't get right again,” It's hard to admit how far I had gone off the rails, especially since I knew Lola felt guilty for leaving when she had.

'I drank a little too much. Took a few too many pills. Got a little lost for a while. I met this guy, Bernie at a bar I hung out at. He knew I was in a bad way. I thought he wanted to save me or something; even though I didn't know I needed saving. Instead, he was all too happy to keep me drinking too much, doing too many pills and staying lost. Bernie liked me miserable.”

Bernie Knight was a slick, handsome and ruthless enforcer for a low-level crime family in Dorchester. When I'd met him, he was running the nightclub I frequented; but his title as manager was a front. The club was a front for the Kelly family, where they laundered money, moved drugs and guns in and out of the kitchen and ran a lucrative—and illegal—gambling ring.

“One night,” I continued, so shamed and embarrassed I had to admit this, “Bernie showed me where the club really made their money. Just a few tables in a crowded room. It was loud and smoky and I had no idea it was illegal. Bernie knew my family, knew we had money. Figured I wouldn't mind losing some. Except, I was really good. I didn't lose. I was hooked. I kept coming back, and they kept losing money. Until they made sure I lost. Every night for weeks, they let me win one night then lose ten times my winnings the next. I ended up owing them hundreds of thousands of dollars. I... I couldn't exactly go to Elliot and tell him I owed the Kelly Crime family my tuition. I'd gambled it all away. I was fucked; until Bernie offered me a way to pay them back.” Lola sighs sadly and sits forward, taking my shaking hands.

“What did they make you do, China Doll?” It was a long time before I could admit it.

“At first, I thought...I mean, I saw the women there. I thought...they might try to force me to prostitute like I knew some of them did. Instead, they made me enroll back in school. Work my tuition off, Bernie said.” I look up at Lola at last, and the pity on her face stings my pride.

At first, it wasn't that hard. I just handed off brown packages to people I didn't know. I pretended I wasn't hurting anyone and that once I'd done enough of the deliveries, I'd have paid back what I owed. Problem was, Bernie encouraged me to continue to gamble.

Just like before, they'd let me win, then before I knew it, I'd lost everything I'd managed to pay back. I could never get ahead of my debt, and what's worse, the guilt of delivering drugs and guns was eating away at me.

I spent two years under their control, never making a dent in what I owed them. Like a fool, I tried to earn the money somewhere else. When Bernie walked in and saw me gambling at a rival's back room setup, I knew I was in trouble.

I'd won almost half what I owed them in just over a week. I could be done with them soon at that rate. Bernie put me in the hospital, he beat me so badly for betraying him. It was the first time he hurt me, but it was not the last.

“Naomi came to the hospital to see me. I begged her, Lola,” Anger lit my words as I thought about how my mother had denied me, even while I lay beaten in a hospital bed, “Begged her for the money. Promised I'd pay it back. Naomi came just to be sure I had her and Elliot removed from my emergency contacts. Said she had no children.” Lola gasped but I just laughed coldly.

I had heard that vow before. After Brad died, Mother said she wished I'd been the one to blow my face off. I was destroyed. Brad was all I had, and I knew he was my parents' favorite. He could do no wrong and I think that pressure was one of the reasons he killed himself. His suicide and my teen pregnancy brought them shame they couldn’t allow.

After that day at the hospital, I wanted to die. I was never sober and I did whatever Bernie asked of me. We'd never been together, but soon after that first beating, I became his favorite playmate. I let him do whatever he wanted because it's not like I had something better. When he choked me until I passed out, tied me up for days at a time, let people watch him torture me while he fucked them...I just took it. I knew I was never paying them back, and he would finish me when he felt like it.

“One day I woke up and I just hurt. Everything hurt. My body. My heart. My fucking soul. I was handcuffed, covered in bruises from whatever Bernie had done the night before, a man I didn't know tied up beside me. I guess it was my rock bottom. I walked out and never went back. I'd promised Brad I'd become an architect. Went back to school and found a recovery program. One day, I got a call from a southern sweetheart telling me his wife was looking for her best friend.”

Lola was crying when I looked up, a wobbly smile on her pixie face. I accepted the hug she wrapped me up in, my tears having long run out. Pain and loneliness had led me to the dark places I'd gone. I hadn't felt lonely since I'd taken that phone call and Lola found her way back into my life. Hunter often said how she lit the world up with her bright colors, but he had no idea how right he was.

“What about Bernie? What you owed them?” Lola asked as she wiped both our faces with the hem of her shirt.

“Yeah...about that. Umm...I just never went back. Dodged him for months. Gave him everything I had whenever he caught up to me. It was the deliveries he cared about, though. A hundred thousand to those people is nothing. I made them more money in a week with those deliveries. I just stopped making my pickups. Once I got my degree, I jumped at your offer to leave Boston. I thought I could just disappear and they could find someone else.” I sighed and bowed my head, shaking it at my stupidity.

“But....he found you here.” My head snapped up and I nodded slowly.

“Yeah. Few weeks ago, I think. I have money now,” I smirked sourly, “A few weeks ago, I got a call from Brad's lawyer. Mother and Father tried to fight it, but I got both mine and Brad's trust from Grandad's estate. I can pay them ten times over.” I took a deep breath, shaking my head when Lola lit with hope.

“Then pay them. Who cares? You can stay here and work, and be with Levi and Amelia. What is stopping you, Brynn?” I bowed my head as I thought of what I was going to be forced to give up.

“Lola. He won't just want the money. I know too much. I won't get to just walk away.” The tears I thought I was done with started fresh again.

I risked too much by coming here. I had been so foolish. I couldn't hide from my mistakes forever. I knew eventually he might find me, and I figured I would just go back home with him when he did. Continue the drops, continue the fucked-up payment he took in the way of the torture he put me through in his bed. I reached for my phone, hitting the last message he had left me for her to listen to.

“Coming for you, Goldie. Not too happy with the company you're keeping lately. Too many fucking badges around you. Should know better than to think they can protect you. You forget who we are?” I cut the message off and threw my phone across the table.

Lola snatched the phone up before it slid off the edge. Hiking a brow at me, she cocked her head, spinning the phone in her hand. Her lovely face contorted into a mask of rage and she sat forward on the high kitchen stool. I reared back, shocked by the spark of anger in her pretty purple eyes.

“What did I just tell you, China Doll? I don't care if that's the fucking Godfather on the other end of that message. You have people now, Brynn. People who will do what it takes to make fucks like Bernie nothing but a bad memory.” I shook my head, although my heart leapt with hope at what she offered.

“No. No, I won't let Bernie or the Kelly family find me here. Or with Levi and Amelia. I will just go back home. I can offer the money but he won't want it, I know that. I won't let my family be hurt again.” I started to slide off the chair, my decision made.

“Leaving them won't hurt them? Walking out on that baby and Levi, who both adore you, won't hurt them, Brynn? Are you listening to yourself? I lost you once, for long enough, I know firsthand how it hurts. Don't do it to them because you're scared. Because you think you don't deserve them. What you deserve is everything, and so do they.” Lola pinned me with a long look, then turned and left me with her words.

I know walking away would hurt them all. And, Lola was right; I was so certain I didn't deserve what I had found with Levi. I had a chance at a family once, one that I gave up because I doubted I could get it right. I paid for that doubt, but that was a debt I doubt I would ever repay.

Crossing the hall to the condo I hadn't been to in weeks, I decided I'd earned one night of self-pitying. The freezer had some Halo Top chocolate covered banana that would hardly heal my heart, but would be a start. I grabbed the pint, a spoon and changed into some fleece pajamas before curling into the couch.

I sat in darkness, eating the delicious ice cream I didn't taste, and mourning the loss of what I had just found.

I realize I'm not alone, because they are loud no matter what they do, before I realize where I am. The sun is shining too brightly to be Levi's bedroom, and I don't hear Amelia cooing down the hall. An ache burns in my chest when I think about not seeing that precious baby or Levi and I come awake.

“Awe an entire pint, Gold? Least it was the good stuff, I guess.” Gigi's voice is a mix of teasing sadness that makes me curl into myself more.

“Morning sunshine,” Charli coos, a hand smoothing my hair back, “Think we need a girl's day, yeah?” Her thick hair is falling in her face as she bends over me, her gray eyes soft but lacking the pity I expected.

I shove into a sitting position, which takes some effort, as my eyes focus in the sunlight. Charli, Gigi and Lola sit around the big leather ottoman that sits in front of the couch. I don't want their pity or their sympathy and for a moment, anger surges forward. Then I look at their faces, at the warm, loving and patient looks in their eyes and its snuffed out.

“I need something,” My vision blurs as my nose burns with tears, “because I think I just threw away my entire world.” I detonate the moment they move, as one like a unit, to wrap me in an awkward six arm hug.

“Pish posh,” Charli swipes at her own tears when the hug breaks, “You're human, Brynn. You get to fuck up. Lord knows those boys fucked up a few times. What you do not get to do is just walk away. I know firsthand running does you no good. And, if Levi is anything like the other Ladder 71 men, you won't get far even if you do run.” Gigi nodded as she brushed my hair away from my face.

“Besides, you don't need to stay for Levi. Or for us. You need to stay for Amelia. For you. We have beasts for men, who walk into fires to save strangers. Imagine what they will do for the women who love them. Who give them babies and make their worlds worth something. And, I mean...Levi is painfully hot, especially with that adorable Princess on his arm. Give that up? I think not. That's like saying no to ice cream or puppies or something. Can't be done.” Gigi smirked when she got a smile out of me.

“What do I do? How can I risk hurting them more? Me walking away does not endanger their lives like my staying might.” Lola shoved between the two Cooper girls, shaking her head.

“China, what might walking away do for your life? Hmm? Tell us that? Now, tell us how you think it might be for Levi? For Amelia? It’s just not an option, sweets.” Lola insisted.

“Told you last night I had no choice. Why round two of arguing otherwise?” I shoved further into a seated position, crossing my arms and legs in a weak show of defiance.

“Oh, China. This is a multi-layered offensive. I'll just keep coming. Keep reminding you what you think you get to just walk away from. Because, newsflash: we don't walk away. Not when we get a chance to get it right. To have good people, good men, good chances at happiness.” I look away from them all, unsure what I could have done in my shit life to deserve them.

“Your man is a good man. He loves you. Amelia loves you. We love you. You love this town. You love us, how could you not,” Charli giggled as she hit me with one final blow, “You love that baby more than yourself. And, obviously, you love that man. It's so simple, Brynn.” I look back at them watching me, wishing I could believe that.

“Stay.” They sing-song together; I see the emotion in their eyes, can feel it in their efforts.

I don't say yes. I don't say no, either. I do go with them for lunch at Lola's favorite pasta place, and then spend the afternoon being pampered. We go to a day spa and get manicures and pedicures, a massage that puts me to sleep, and when it's all over, they drive me to Levi's place.

“You sneaky bitches.” I accuse as I look up at the perfectly adorable craftsman home. A heavy dose of fear, mixed with some remorse and excitement whirl through me.

“Goddamn right. Go get your life, China Doll.” Lola all but shoves me from Charli's big ass truck and I land with a thud on the pavement.

I hold up two middle fingers and a grin as they tear away from the curb. When I turn back to the house, I feel my grin slip away. I walked out like a coward last night. What's more, Levi asked me to make a choice and I didn't choose him and Amelia. I thought protecting them was the best I could give them.

Think it’s time I start making the right choices for the right reasons.

Although I have keys, I knock at the door. I don't even know if he's home, but I have a sneaking suspicion our girl’s day out lasted just long enough to be sure he was. Charli knows everyone's schedule, it seems, so I suspect she planned it just right. The door swings open and my heart lurches in my chest.

“H-hey....” I manage before my throat closes off any hope of words.

Levi is shirtless, in my favorite gray sweats and a bundled-up Amelia in one arm. He looks sad, although his blue eyes light with fire the moment he sees me there. I ache to touch him, realizing the past twenty-four hours are the longest I've gone without touching him in months. I don't like the itchy, scratchy way leaving like that made me feel. Seeing him now, it fades away, replaced with that buzzing heat he always ignites inside me.

“Hey. Come on.” Levi steps aside, but doesn't touch me as I push in past him.

I smell him; his soap and shampoo and just him. I also breath deep the sweet, clean baby smell of Amelia. I head for the living room, safe, neutral ground, sinking into the sofa. Levi folds into his new favorite chair across from me, watching me. We say nothing. Before I know what I'm doing, I am crawling across the floor towards them.

“Brynn...” Levi's voice is strangled when I reach them. I don't know what to do or what to say to make it right.

Right then, I just know I need them. Need to touch them, feel Amelia’s hair brush my cheek, smell the two of them together, feel their heartbeats. I stay in a kneeling position, my head bowed as tears burn hot down my face. Not for him or her, or even me, really. For every bad choice I ever made. Every single thing I lost. And, for the girl who thought she deserved to lose it all.

“I choose you. I chose you in a barn while we danced to Landslide in the summer. I choose Amelia. The moment I saw you with that little Princess, I chose the both of you. I....thought I made the right choice once, for the right reasons. One choice wrecked me, Levi. I don't think I got right again until that road trip with you.” Levi brought me into his lap, cradling both me and Amelia.

“I want you to choose us for the right reasons, honey. Because being here with us and making a life together is right for us, Brynn. I got it wrong before so I know we got it right this time. I choose you because the idea of doing this without you...Brynn it scares me more than any fire I ever walked into. I spent most my life completely alone but the first person to make me feel like I'm part of something is you. You and our daughter. The three of us...it's the best thing I have ever had. I would do anything for my girls, anything to make this work, to make a life with you.” As my arms wind around his shoulders, Amelia nestled between us, I touch my forehead to his as I choose them both.

“I love you, Levi. I love Amelia. I love us. I love you so much it scares the shit out of me. I don't make the right choices. Last night, I should have...” Levi is kissing me, soft and sweet, effectively shutting me up.

“Fuck, I love you too, honey. Didn't know I could find something like this, that feels this good, this big. You and Amelia are my fucking world, Brynn. I will get it right this time, even if we both make bad choices. I love you so much. I will do whatever it takes to give my girls a fucking fairytale, like I promised. We can tear this entire fucking castle down and start again if you need it. I didn't think about.... what this place looked like to you. Like another woman's home,”

“Whatever paint is on the walls or chair I sit in or photos on the wall, it’s only ever been our home. Tell me if I need to move us to a new place, or fuck, a new city. You girls, you're my fucking world, Brynn. Anything it takes.” I dropped my lips over his, sealing that promise with fire and heat.

Between us, Amelia fussed and we both laughed, breaking away. She reached for me and I bent to cuddle her too, the ache in my heart from a full day apart easing. The three of us cuddled on the couch, Levi soothing us both until Amelia and I passed out. I remember the bouncy music from Moana and then nothing.

I woke sometime later, a tangle of man and baby limbs trapping me. I twisted into them, and in the darkness, I promised I would make the right choices. For them. For Levi and for Amelia. For my family.

Starting with finding a way to keep Bernie away without Levi or Amelia getting hurt.