6

BRYNN

 

Building something beautiful is what I do. Making it complex as hell is the fun part, though.  It soothes me to add angles and designs that make sense to me. I went to school to learn how to make those beautiful, complex things work. In real life, though, a degree doesn't mean I know shit about building something right.

Basic destruction might be what I am most skilled at. Because, I make the bad choices, say yes to the things that hurt me and do it with zeal. Like agreeing to nanny for Levi. Even though being around him makes both my blood boil and my brain scramble. Let’s not mention what he does to my vagina, because I’m not proud of it. Damn the man.

Vulnerability on a fuck-hot firefighter is my nightshade, it would seem. I am exactly one day into being his paid employee—though we better discuss a raise since he has me doing manual labor—and already I want to cross all the fragile lines that make up this foolish partnership.

“Little nugget seems hungry, babe.” Levi calls from the doorway, Amelia cuddled in his arms.

Jesus, Christ. Amelia is cooing as she gazes up at Levi, looking adorable and sleepy. Levi looks as fuck-hot as he did without the baby ten minutes ago, when I climbed him like a tree. With the baby? Forget it. His mouth still looks wet from the kisses we shared, his eyes are heavy, but he’s smiling down at his tiny daughter and, once again, my ovaries explode.

“Want me to?” I nod towards the bundle in his arms but he shakes his head, bouncing her.

“Nah it’s my turn. You want some food too, I can order something? We deserve something unhealthy after working like slaves.” Levi winks, nodding his head towards the newly painted nursery walls.

Even though I feigned hesitance, the moment Levi suggested we set up Amelia’s room today, I was on board. It felt like a second chance to experience something special and I was greedy for taking what shouldn’t be mine. But, I was taking it. I was excited to paint and decorate this room for that little Princess and I couldn’t wait to see it finished.

There was one wall left to paint, and he didn’t know it yet, but I planned to call Lola in for that one. I could already see the perfect accent wall and I couldn’t wait to see her make it come to life. Then we could set up her crib and the matching pieces Levi had let us pick out.

Admittedly, I’d chosen the theme, kind of taking lead as we’d shopped. I had a thing for owls and it showed. The crib set, receiving blankets, mobile, some cute lamps and other decor, all of it went with that theme. Pinks and browns with the just a hint of green. I shouldn’t be so excited to set up a nursery for a baby that I had to walk away from, but cross that bridge and all that.

“I am hungry, even after that Yolk breakfast. How is it after lunchtime though?” I had my answer before Levi spoke.

“Brynn, you know being with me distracts you; just like it distracts me. You look fucking adorable messy in my clothes, by the way. Let me feed the nugget and you can choose lunch.” Levi smirked before I watched him head down the hall, my jaw slack and skin flushed.

Shit. I forgot what a mess I must be. In his too-big sweats and wife-beater, no less. I couldn’t paint in the dress I had started my day in, but I can’t lie and say I didn’t like the way he looked at me when he found me in his clothes. And, they smelled pretty damn good, too.

I grinned as I followed him down the hall towards the kitchen. Rolling the baggy sweats at my waist once more, then doing the same with the hem of the tank, I felt his gaze on me before I even entered the kitchen.

Brushing past him, where he was fixing a fresh bottle, I pretended the contact we made was necessary. Small kitchen and all that. When I took the menus off his fridge, as he ducked under me to put something away, the way he brushed his hardness into my backside was just because I was in the way. His fingers sliding over the small of my back as he brushed past me was because of the confined space, too.

Lies. Lies. All lies.

It was all lies and by the smirk on his gorgeous face, he knew I was making them up to allow the brushes and touches and presses of bodies. I spread the menus out on the counter as he paced around the island, holding Amelia and cooing at her as he fed her. Levi came up behind me, notching himself between my slightly spread legs, his hardness against the ache he left me with. I allowed it because he was feeding Amelia and I was going to feed us to. More lies.

“What sounds good for lunch?” I could have facepalmed; stupid question.

“Mmm, I can think of one thing I am starved for,” Levi husked against my neck, his body bouncing Amelia and rocking his hardness against me, “you make it too easy, baby. How about.... some subs?” He nudges a menu with his elbow, sliding it from the pack.

I twist and realize how bad it suddenly got. I am bent over the counter, top half nearly flat. Levi presses up against me, angled between my legs, his hips pinning me in place. I can feel him growing harder. My core aches, throbbing for that hardness. Amelia is safely tucked in one of his thick arms, already passed out once again. Levi still rocks her gently, his rhythm more for us than her.

“Behave.” I must have demanded this a dozen times since this began.

Didn’t mean a single one of those demands; not really.

“Mmm, impossible woman.” Levi’s lips brushed my ear, his words hot, sending a shudder right between my legs.

My body betrayed me every time he touched it. Levi shifted away, but pushed harder against me with his hips, thrusting once. I giggled. Like a teenager, I fucking giggled. Levi growled and his hips rocked again, his basketball shorts offering little safety from the hard, thick length of him. I giggled again in response. Couldn’t stop it. His free hand cracked my right ass cheek and I moaned, his hips thrusting again.

“Think you need to behave, baby. Not me. Order me a number four with a pickle and some chips, please. You don’t feed me something I might be feasting on you, baby.” Another crack and his weight vanished.

My hands gripped the cold, hard edges of the island as I fought to focus. To gain some control. What the fuck was my problem? Nothing like pulling all the stops on a train wreck bound to crash and burn.

Levi hurt me once before. I was in no place to begin something with him, or anyone, really. Chicago was not my home. That precious Princess was not mine, not ours. Just his. Just hers. Here I was flirting, taunting, getting attached to the two things that could crush me.

Before I could latch onto that, could let it center me, Levi was back. I had ordered numbly and was just hanging my phone up when he was there. I cried out as I went airborne, my ass hitting the island. Levi shoved my legs wide, angling his big body between them. I blinked at him in shock, sputtering before he took my breath away.

I had kissed him earlier. He was sweet and vulnerable and, dammit, I wanted to. Now he was kissing me. It was a totally different kiss. Before, it was hot but hesitant, almost fumbling. Not this kiss.

Levi’s big hands cradled the back of head, fingers tunneling in my messy top knot. His mouth took mine like he owned it. Nips of his teeth at my bottom lip, the push of his tongue, his body pinning mine down. I didn’t even try to fight it. My knees hiked up at his hips and I tugged him closer. I gave in to it even as I realized I was welcoming pain, but damn, it tasted good. Felt good.

His mouth moved over my cheeks, my jaw, my ears, hands tugging roughly at my hair. It was quiet besides our breathing, the sounds of his lips working at my skin. Just as he found a spot behind my ear with his teeth and tongue, there was a knock at the door. So loud against the frenzied quiet of our impossible moment, we both jumped. The baby cried and I shoved him away, sliding from the counter to rush to her.

“Don’t think we’re done.” Levi threatened as he headed for the door.

We were though. We had to be, because I couldn’t risk it. I made bad choices, and yeah, I could handle the fallout from them. I could pay the price they cost. But, Levi shouldn’t have to and more importantly, Amelia shouldn’t.

Levi was right, she deserved a fair start. She deserved everything we missed out on. I couldn’t risk her getting hurt because I made a selfish choice. My choices were almost always selfish, I knew that now. This time, I wanted to make a choice that wasn’t about me or what I wanted.

Which meant, we were done before we could start whatever this was. Again.

“I won't let us hurt you, Princess.” I murmured as I scooped up that adorable crimson haired bundle.

And I meant it. I wouldn’t let us hurt her, and I wouldn’t let my selfishness hurt Levi.

By the time I changed her and headed out, Levi had lunch waiting on the kitchen bar. I cradled the baby to me like a shield, snatching up the half empty bottle he’d set down earlier. I didn’t speak, even when he tried to as we ate.

I cleaned up our lunch as Levi took the baby, getting her burped, changed again, cleaned up and down for a real nap. When he came back, I was painting, my own walls up and stronger than before.

Levi was angry, hurt, frustrated but like he said he would, he did his best to behave. We finished the room as the sun started going down. The pinks and oranges cast shadows from the windows, where I hung new soft pink shades earlier. It looked perfect for Amelia.

“It’s perfect.” Levi spoke softly, as if afraid of ruining the moment.

It was too late, I had ruined it earlier and we both knew it. Levi was just too good a man so he pretended for us both. I agreed with a nod, ignoring the stinging of tears, the pinch of sadness in my chest. It was perfect but it was not mine, even if I had chosen every piece in the room. Amelia was not mine. Levi was not mine. I repeated this in my head like it was my new mantra.

“It is. Levi...I can’t. We...we can’t. It’s not about you or me, or us. It’s about her.” From the corner of my eye, I watched him nod, fists balled at his sides.

 “I know. It has to be about her.” Levi’s voice sounds hollow and I hate it.

I almost tell him I don’t mean it. I almost take it back and let us be selfish. I took another look around that perfect room and knew better. Amelia deserved a chance at something amazing. I could not be part of that and I was damned sure not getting in the way of it. Why I had even agreed to stay, I had no idea.

Until I got back to the condo. A quick scan through my messages reminded me why. Why I was still here, why I was terrified to go back home and why I couldn’t be selfish with Levi and Amelia.

“Keep running, Gold. You know what you owe us. Doesn’t matter where you go, you owe a debt. It’s going to get paid one way or another, Princess. One way or another.” The thick Dorchester accent sent a shiver up my spine.

I locked all the windows and bolted the dead bolt. Not that they could keep anyone out if they truly wanted in. I thought about Lola and Hunter across the hall, the baby they were bringing home in a few months. I had to be gone soon.

Before then, if I could gather the nerve. I needed to head home, even if every part of me wanted to stay here. Even if a sexy firefighter and an adorable baby made me wonder if I really knew what home was anymore.

At first, it wasn’t that hard. Those first few days of showing up to a sexy, sleepy Levi before he headed off for the day. Spending my day changing diapers, fixing bottles and cuddling with that tiny baby, it wasn’t so hard at first.

There were a few moments, when I would realize how much I had missed, how much I had given up, that it hurt. But, then, Amelia would coo or giggle and I would almost forget about that. About the choice I made that left part of me forever empty.

At night, when Levi came home, it was almost easy. To make an excuse not to join him for dinner or a go with them when he took Amelia somewhere. At first.

And then.... he stopped asking.

Almost a week and a half into being his nanny, he came home, scooped his daughter up and dismissed me. It’s what I had wanted, of course. What should happen, and likely would with any other nanny. I knew that, but it didn’t make it sting any less. Didn’t make me wait for him to ask, and be crushed when he didn’t, any less.

I made it to the end of the second week. Levi had the next three days off, and I wouldn’t see him or Amelia until the following week. I had been on edge all day at the very idea. When Levi came home that night, I was ready for it.

“Hey little nugget.” Levi’s voice boomed as he found us in the kitchen.

Amelia adored him and I stood back to watch him bend down to kiss her hello, her little hands reaching for him. Levi lifted her out of her baby bouncer and cuddled her close. Ovaries exploded. Again.

Then his eyes swung to mine and I almost chickened out. It was too late for that. Levi’s brow quirked up and his mouth twitched and damn, he was so handsome. I made a stupid choice but I was going with it.

“What’s all this?” He cradled her against his chest as he rounded the island, nodding towards the stove.

This was my famous mostaccioli. Even Lola knew I meant business if I made this dish, and she had made me promise to save her some. Levi’s kitchen smelled amazing, like basil and garlic and fresh tomato sauce. I was mixing a salad when he walked in, but my hands began to shake so really, I was just making a mess.

“I-I figured I might make you dinner before I go.” I twisted away from him as he peeked into the pot, brushing close against me.

It was the first contact we’d had in days. The first few days, he had shown no mercy. Standing too close, touching me too long, brushing his perfect body against mine when we switched off with Amelia.

Then, like the requests to stay, it had stopped. Now, I relished it as he pressed behind me, watching my hands work. It was the same position he had me in almost two weeks ago. My pulse was racing as my heart thundered so loud I couldn’t focus on his question until he repeated it.

“Why tonight?” Levi said this against my ear, his head lowered into my space.

“Because....I wanted to tonight.” I manage, swallowing hard as my eyes burn.

“I see. It smells amazing. You better be staying, baby.” I could not help my reaction. Whenever he called me that, my body reacted before my brain had a chance to shut it down.

I shuddered, my hands dropping to the counter for support. Levi chuckled, twisting his face to press an open-mouthed kiss to my ear. The heat from the stove was nothing compared to how hot that got me.

My thighs clenched when he pressed harder into me from behind. I could not turn off what his closeness, the smell of him, the heat from him did to me. His body seemed to have a mind of its own, and I almost moaned when I felt what it had in mind pressing to my backside.

“Mmm I am starving, actually. Can’t say there’s anything I want more than for you to feed me, baby.” Another shudder, and I felt-actual felt his cock jerk in his jeans.

“B…b-behave.” My voice was weak, fruitless and we both knew it.

“You behave,” He hissed against my neck, one arm bouncing Amelia against his hip leisurely, “Although I much prefer when you don’t. Just like you like it better when I ignore those bullshit demands and do what we both want.” My fingers ached from grasping the cool marble, they itched to reach behind me and touch him instead.

“It’s not about....” I arched my neck and back when his teeth sunk into my shoulder.

“Hush. Cook. Smells delicious.” Levi ran his nose along my neck, his teeth nipping at my jaw, tongue tracing the marks his teeth had left behind.

“Levi....” I had nothing and he knew it.

“What can I do, baby?” His hips circled slowly, grinding his dick against my backside.

“Set the table.” My voice was high and I felt feverish I was so hot.

“I can do that. Anything else?” Levi murmured, low and dangerous, his hips still reminding me what he was offering.

“No-not just yet.” I took deep breaths, struggling to get air into my lungs, when he stepped away.

Levi made quick work of setting the table, sliding Amelia’s new high chair up on one side, seated between us. Then he helped carry the pasta and garlic bread to the table.

As I was setting down the salad, he produced a bottle of wine and two glasses. I eyed him as he poured us both some of the red, smiling roguishly. It was dual parts sexy and evil, and it did stupid shit to my lady parts.

“This looks amazing, by the way.” Levi complimented as I served us both a dish with the cheesy pasta and some bread.

“Thank you. I like to cook, I just don’t get a reason to very often.” I sank into my seat across from him, flushing in the dim light.

“You have plenty reason now. You just don’t use me the way you should.” Levi chuckled when I choked on the first sip of wine.

“Levi! I am trying to...to try something...” I shook my head, wondering what exactly, I was trying to do.

I had never been good at relationships. Proof positive by the four years I allowed to go before I reached out to Lola. Oh, I had tried, but not enough. The complete breakdown of my family could be blamed for some of it. The rest was because I just didn’t know how to make it work.

Levi made me want things. Things I couldn’t have. From the moment I had met him, I had been almost entirely powerless to deny him. The weekend we’d spent traveling from Mississippi to Chicago had ripped down the walls I kept in place, brick by brick.

When I found out about his marriage, about how unfinished it was then, I had hastily tried to build that wall back up. But now, I realized I had done a shit job. Wanting him, wanting more, could only hurt us both. And that precious Princess.

I was growing closer to her every single day and it was both the best thing I’d ever had and the most painful. I knew I had to walk away, and soon. My time here had an expiration date and it wasn’t fair to Levi to start something knowing that. And yet.

Here I was, making us dinner, letting him flirt and—the worst—flirting back. Growing attached to Amelia. And, whether I acted otherwise, to Levi too. And pretending it was all okay. I couldn’t help myself it seemed. Completely powerless.

“I want you to,” Levi leaned forward, one hand reaching for mine, the other holding Amelia’s, “I will behave, baby. I did promise I’d do my best. I want you here. I want this. I like this.” I watched as his strong fingers wove within mine, giving a gentle tug.

Heat crept up my arm, spreading through my body from that innocent touch. I bowed my head to hide my smile, nodding once. My hand reached out too, taking Amelia’s for a moment. When my eyes lifted to Levi’s, breathing was impossible.

The look in his eyes wasn’t sexy or hungry or playful. It was so much more and I felt it from the tangle of our hands, in the pulsing of my sex and the aching in my chest. Levi brushed a kiss over Amelia’s head, then brought my hand to his lips.

“Let’s eat, baby.” And we did.

It was more than dinner and I knew that. For just one night I pretended otherwise. Levi did too, for me. He even helped me clean up the kitchen, and didn’t pin me to the island and kiss me stupid again.

It was harder to leave that night than the nights before. Mostly because I knew it would be days before I would see them again. But, when I left, Levi decided that just wouldn’t do.

“Let me make you dinner tomorrow. I owe you. I cook almost as good as you.” Levi took up the entire doorway as I stood on his porch.

I was standing too close and he was leaning in more than necessary. I knew neither of us wanted the night to end, as much as I knew it had to. But, I could do dinner. That was safe and it gave me time with both of them. Plus, after a claim like that, I was eager to see what he could do in the kitchen. Not the bedroom. Nope. Just the kitchen.

At least one of those I knew I could handle.

“I do need to eat.” Was about as committal as I got.

Levi looked like he had won some major award and I felt butterflies take flight in my belly. I was sure I was too old for that. Yet, there they were. Fluttering and spiraling as he reached his hand out, skimming his thumb down my jaw. Over my mouth. I could see his muscles tighten as he gripped the door, struggling to behave as he had promised.

“Might as well eat with me, baby.” I nodded and then I twisted away before I could do something more foolish.

Like kiss him. Or let him kiss me. Or find out if I really only cared about how he handled himself in the kitchen. I was a fool who made terrible choices.

Those choices weren’t all bad, though.

For nearly a month, I had dinner every night with Levi and Amelia. We took turns cooking. Took turns behaving. Some nights, I couldn’t help myself; I lingered near him in the kitchen, pressing close as he cooked. Others, he drove it, his hands on my hips as he pressed into me, his mouth at my ear as he asked what I was feeding him now. But it wasn’t enough, not for either of us.

I lingered after, helping him put Amelia to bed. Then longer, sometimes watching some Game of Thrones. Sometimes he talked me into a movie, complete with popcorn and red vines. Between eating, flirting and pretending to behave, we got to know each other again.

We talked about his family and how their loss had changed him. He asked about my family and how my own loss, though different, had changed me. I told him about my brother, Brad. Besides Lola, he was the only one I told the truth to.

I asked about his marriage, if it had ever been good. Quashed the silly girl response when he said it hadn’t. We talked about Amelia and how she looked like him, and how he vowed he’d never ask for a DNA test. Too often, the talking did nothing to hide what was happening.

“Come here.” Levi urged one night during a GOT marathon.

I obeyed because that night, I was tired of behaving. We can’t be good all the time. We had been dancing around this thing, watching it ebb and flow, grow and burn between us for weeks. I knew something was coming. By then, I think I welcomed it.

Before the second commercial break, we were making out like teenagers. I tore his shirt off and he returned the favor. But, then he changed things. Levi made it much more than something hot and foolish on a couch with HBO playing in the background. Pinned me to the couch and leveled a look at me between kisses.

“Don’t do this if you can’t stick with us, baby. I want it. Fuck, I never wanted anything like I want to make you come tonight. Tomorrow. Every fucking night. I can’t live like I did before, not now. You were right, it can’t be about you and I. It’s got to be about us. You get that, baby?” I did, more than he knew, and I should have told him why it could never be what he wanted.

“I know, Levi. I get it.” I managed before he was kissing me again. Hard. Deep. As if sealing that as a promise.

A promise I would break because I would have to. I wouldn’t hurt him and I couldn’t hurt her. For one night, I wanted to think about me, though. What I wanted. And I wanted him. Until my phone rang, his work phone went off and the baby cried. All at once, like the universe had decided to save one of us the pain we were chasing.

“Hold that thought, baby.” Levi growled, pressing a kiss to my mouth, my nose, my eyes.

Except, I couldn’t, of course. His phone was a rescue call he was needed on. Mine was a Dorchester area code that doused the fire Levi had lit like a bucket of ice water. After Levi left, I made a promise to myself, and to Amelia. I would give everything I could to them both, while I could. But I was running out of time and I couldn’t give as much as they deserved.

I didn’t deserve any part of them, but I would take what I could get for now. I was selfish with them both. When Levi came home, smoky and dirty, I didn’t know what to expect. I would give him whatever he wanted. Whatever he asked, I was going to give it. That night, he just wanted me.

I slept in his bed for the first time that night, but we didn’t pick up where we had left off. I held him while he told me about the call and how it had almost gone bad. How he hated those calls; now more than ever because of Amelia. Because of me. How could I tell him I didn’t deserve that, didn’t deserve him or Amelia? How, when he made me feel like I deserved everything.

How could I look at that beautiful man and that precious Princess and tell them they didn’t deserve me because I could only hurt them?