13

LEVI

Didn’t realize I could stop breathing, stop feeling, stop sensing anything and keep living. But, apparently, I can. Because that’s what I’m doing. Living. Somehow, I am doing it without all the important parts of me. The parts of me that feel anything, taste anything. Because, Brynn took those with her when she left.

When I told her to leave us, I correct myself.

It’s been over a week and I don’t know how I got this far without her. The first day, I didn’t leave Amelia’s bedroom. We just stayed in that room, the one that had started our family all those months ago, and held my daughter and promised her we’d be okay. First time I ever lied to my nugget.

By the third day, I still had not eaten, even when I fed Amelia. I hadn’t changed clothes nor showered, either. I just took care of my Princess and tried to ignore that festering wound in my chest when I looked at her. Looked at her and saw only my girls; saw Brynn in her giggles and smiles.

To me, Amelia looked more like Brynn than Isabel. That red hair—which she got from my mother—and those pure, sweet eyes, that rosy, milky skin. Their eyes smiled the same, and her nose looked more like Brynn’s than I had realized before. It hurt to look at her sometimes and that made me ache even more.

Eventually I knew I had to let go. Didn’t mean I knew how to. The anger helped, though. That she had lied to me, did too. It wasn’t the big stuff she lied about, so that should matter. I believed she loved me. Believed Amelia was her whole world. But that didn’t matter when I considered the risks she had taken with her.

“Coming in today, bro?” Hunter called after letting me grieve her loss and I knew I had no choice.

“Yeah. Will…can Lola take Amelia? Just for now…” Hunter sighed sadly and I was not prepared for his answer.

“Amelia is family, Levi. Of course. Lola is a fucking mess and hates you a little bit right now, though. Just a heads up.” I frowned, taking my phone away from my ear to look and be sure I wasn’t making up the conversation.

Not like I hadn’t talked to ghosts at all the last few days.

“Mad at me? Because the woman I loved lied to me for months? While putting my daughter in danger? Yeah, I’m the bad guy.” I regret the tone of my voice when he growls back.

“Watch it, Levi. Love you bro, but guess who wins if I have to choose? Lola hates you because Brynn vanished. Won’t answer our calls and Lola has called every hour since you told us she left your place. Did um…did she mention where…” I laugh harshly, even as panic courses through me.

“No. Didn’t exchange forwarding addresses, Hunter. I figured Lola’s place, though. Go check it’s across the hall.” I spit the words out, bitter that she had some place to go like this was never her home.

“Yeah, about that. Lola checked. Its empty. I mean, Lola’s shit is there. Nothing from Brynn. Like she was never even there.” I almost laugh because I wish it was that easy for me.

Instead, my entire place reminds me of her at every turn. The photos on the wall, the bed that smells like her, that fucking body wash in the shower. Things I never noticed when Isabel left, I can’t shake this time around. Instead they remind me every single day of what I had and lost.

I assure Hunter I don’t know where Brynn might be, and it hurts because that’s the truth. I have no idea. All this time, after everything, I don’t know if I ever knew her at all. Not the important stuff. Not the stuff that could make this stick. I feel foolish for letting myself go all in when it's clear she never could.

“Well, just be careful with Lola. Like I said, if I had to choose, it’s that pixie every day, bro.” I tell him I get it, and sadly, I do.

I would have chosen Brynn over the entire world just a week ago. The entire world, except Amelia. I had hoped it was the same for her, but clearly, I was wrong.

Because if it was the same, she would have let me in enough to allow me to protect my girls. That she hadn’t just reminds me how little I knew the woman I had thought I could spend my life with.

Heading back to work sounds like good therapy. I shower, eat and feed Amelia and am packing a bag for her when there’s a knock at the door. I know then I am a fucking liar. I love Brynn with everything I am; hope burns through me as I rush to throw the door open, hoping she can’t be found because she has come back home.

“Hello, husband.” I stagger, I am so stunned at who I find instead.

“Isabel?” I look out onto the porch, seeking someone else, anyone else.

“Of course. Who else might be here?” Isabel turns to look too, frowning up at me.

“What are you doing here?” I fix my narrowed gaze down at her, stepping between her and the threshold.

“I came to talk. To see you. To see my child.” I bark a laugh out, shaking my head as I shove her more onto the porch.

“I’m sorry, what? You have a child? With who? Not with me, you don’t. I have a daughter. Who has nothing whatsoever to do with you.” Each word forces her back a step, it’s so low and cutting.

“Levi. Look, I just want to see her. See you. Talk about doing the right thing, maybe. I gave birth to her, she is my child.” Iz tips her chin up as she glares up at me.

Looking down at her, I wonder how I had made such a mistake once. How I’d thought I loved her. What a fucking fool. A nice pair of tits and a filthy mouth does not a happily ever after make. With too much makeup, too tight clothes and a sneer on her face, I wonder how I’d looked at her and saw happiness.

Seeing the woman I gave my last name to, I miss Brynn so violently I stumble. Her effortless beauty and warm soul, her freckles and bright eyes. Everything about her felt good and pure and that’s why her lies hurt so much. Because I did see happiness when I looked at her. When I saw her with our daughter. Our daughter.

“You might have carried her, while lying to me about it, might have given birth to her, but you are not her mother. Didn’t give her a single thing, not even a name. My daughter has a mother. We don’t need you.” I back towards the door and she shrieks loudly.

“Excuse me? Who?” I shake my head, already closing the door.

“Not your business, Isabel. Just like you didn’t make Amelia your business for the last five months. You can continue that.” I almost have the door closed when she says it.

“You’re not her father, Levi.” I swear to Christ, it comes out in echo, as if she says it over and over again.

But, I know she says it just once. I throw the door open and she’s sneering at me, a hand propped at her hip. A bored look on her ugly face. A face I thought was gorgeous once. Fucking fool.

I’d never lay a hand on a woman, but right then, I want to.

“Fuck you, she is mine.” I don’t recognize the bitter growl that barks this out.

“No, baby, she is not. I fucked up, that’s why I left. Why I didn’t fight for the divorce. After I had her…I came back. Thought we might make a go of it, once I told you the truth. You didn’t even give me a chance. You were with this woman you’ve been playing house with. Either way, she’s not yours. I think she might be Diggs’? Maybe Stiles? Not entirely sure, you know me. I like a threesome every now and again.” I know this all too well and I advance on her, backing her to the edge of the porch.

“Proud to be such a fucking whore, aren’t you? I don’t care what you say. Amelia is my daughter. Mine. I will get the tests to prove it. Regardless what blood is in her veins, that little girl is mine. You abandoned her, Isabel. Why do you want her now?” Another wave a panic rocks me as I consider losing the only other girl I’ve ever loved.

After losing Brynn, if I lost Amelia, I’d be done for.

“I don’t want to take her from you. Those fucks would hardly be good fathers, they’re bigger whores than I ever was.” I laugh and shake my head.

“Debatable. What do you want, then?” I begin pacing the porch, knowing this will cost me, whatever it is.

“I didn’t know my mom, you know,” I do know this, I always pinned some of Isabel’s issues on that truth, “I don’t want her to know what that’s like.” I snort, leveling a hateful glare at her.

“What about the past nearly year of her life?” Isabel sighs and twists her fingers, looking away.

“I wasn’t ready. Getting pregnant scared me. It’s why I didn’t fight the divorce, too. I loved you, Levi. Best way I knew how. I knew you couldn’t forgive this. I want to try now, I am ready.”

“Not good enough. That is not good enough for her. Trying is not good enough, Isabel. Amelia, she has a mother. A woman who loves her and has been there every single day, every night.” I hate the smirk that twists her crimson lips.

“Where’s her mother now?” As if she knows she won’t find her, she glances into the house past me.

“Fuck. You. You fucking selfish, hateful, deceitful, filthy whore.” I am spitting by the time I finish, so angry I can see only red, my hands shaking at my sides.

“Maybe later husband. Now, I want to see my child.” I back up fast as she starts for the door.

“Leave. Now. You won’t see her until I say so. If I say so. You can get off my fucking porch, and don’t come back until I say so. You hear me?” I put an arm out, blocking her view into the house.

“We really want to do this? Guess who the courts will side with, baby? Let me clue you in: the woman who carried her, birthed her, that’s who.” I wedge myself in between her and the house, refusing to give in.

“Why don’t we find out then, shall we? Leave, Isabel. You are not welcome in my home. Even if you ever see my daughter again, it won’t be here.” I don’t know why I insist this until she smiles up at me.

“Aww you and the new wifey playing house, are you? Cute.” My jaw clenches and she backs away, palms out in surrender.

“None of your fucking business. I suggest you find a lawyer.”

With that, I slam the door in her face, wishing I had done that the moment I realized it wasn’t Brynn. It takes me long moments before I can breathe right again. And when I can, it’s still not right. I won’t believe her; I can’t, not after all the lies she told me for so long.

I realize I don’t know a thing about getting it right.

I married a woman I believed I could love. All because she made my dick feel shit. Despite her past, and everything I knew about it, I put a ring on her finger and gave her my last name. Even though I never felt like I knew her at all. Gave my all when she didn’t deserve it.

Then, I find someone who does deserve my everything. Gives me almost everything of herself. Almost. Who I feel like I know better than myself. And, who makes me feel everything; love and lust, need and passion, anger and pain, all at once. Once she gives me the last piece of herself—because she didn’t do it when I thought she should—I end it.

I threw everything away with a woman who gave me as much as she could.

I speed to Lola’s, determined to get some answers. No matter what Hunter said, I suspect Lola has some ideas where Brynn might be. I don’t know what I intend to do with the information. I am still angry and hurt. I don’t know if I can risk myself, or my daughter, like that again.

“Levi Holt,” Lola pins me with a glare that makes me squirm, despite her tiny height and us both holding babies, “Tell me what makes you think you deserve a third chance? What makes you think you deserved the first two you fucked up? I truly want you to tell me just what you did to deserve Brynn?” I wince because she’s not wrong, when I consider her question.

I spent all year chasing a girl without doing the work that sort of thing takes. I never took her out on a date, never sent her flowers or brought her candy or jewelry. I never made a point to make it about just the two of us. I picked up my broken life and tried to fit both Amelia and her into. The best way it suited me.

I never let her know, until I thought I might lose her to someone else, what she meant to me. I told her I loved her, yeah. Never showed it the way she deserved. I told her I would never walk away, that I would always want her. Yet the moment Brynn failed me, I did just that. After Brynn stayed no matter how many times I failed her.

“I fucked up. I fucked up so bad. I just…I was going crazy, Lola. I thought for sure there was someone else. I went through that before and there’s nothing like that betrayal.” Lola laughed, loud and tinny, the laugh that meant she was about to school me.

“Oh, Levi. Wrong. Want to know something about betrayal? How about the mother who gives birth to you then changes every single thing about you,” Lola pointed at herself and I nodded, having heard a little about her past, “How about a mother and a father who lose a son—who push that son to suicide because he chose a different lifestyle—then turn their back on the only person who loved him just as he was? How about a mother who arranges an adoption so you can never know your child, then deserts you the moment the ink is dry? How about a man who swooped in, promising to save her, just to take everything she had left? That is betrayal,” My throat tightens as I nod, realizing she doesn’t mean me, but she might as well.

“How about a friend who turned her back to every bit of that, despite seeing it happen right in front of her eyes? Who let her make excuse after excuse about the truth, because she was too selfish to ask the right questions?” I nod again as she bows her head, her shoulders shaking.

“Or a man who swears he loves her, would give her anything, and never walk away. Who gives her nothing and walks away the moment it gets tough. Fuck, Lola. What did I do?” Amelia starts to cry and I have to wonder if she realizes her daddy fucked up.

“We did it. We pushed her and pulled but we never gave her anywhere to go. I selfishly wanted her here. With me. I didn’t consider how hard seeing me pregnant and happy had to be.” Lola sobs, holding Ford closer, reaching a hand out to smooth it over Amelia’s head.

“I told her more than once to be here with us or not be here at all. But was I really here with her? It was months before I knew about her daughter. Even longer before I knew that traces of my whore of an ex-wife were everywhere she looked. In the home I kept asking her to feel comfortable in” Before I know it, the four of us are crying, the babies softly, and Lola harder than I, but I’m right there with them.

Instead of putting a ring on her finger, I gave her a set of keys. To a house she could never call hers. To a life she didn’t think was hers. Didn’t think she deserved. I promised my girl a castle and the fairytale but didn’t even try to battle her dragons. I watched her losing her battle, every day for weeks and I did nothing but fuck her like an animal, thinking my need to claim her meant something.

I didn’t deserve a third chance. But, Amelia, and the man I thought I could be for both my girls, did. And so did Brynn. Brynn deserved everything and this time, if I got another chance, I was going to give her everything, just like I had promised. Had to find her first, though.

“Brynn went home Levi.” I wiped my arm across my face, holding Amelia tight.

“No. Because she’s not at our place, and that is her fucking home. Now I just need to prove it to her and get it right.” I insisted.

I had gotten it wrong. And then I had almost gotten it right. I had come so close, I knew I could get it right with Brynn. I had fucked up, and so had she, but that's what people did. When it stuck, like what we had, that was just part of it.

I had to find my queen and give her that fairytale I promised her.

Before I could do that, I had to work. Which meant I had to leave my Princess, although I was riddled with guilt. Besides Gwen, no one else had ever taken care of her. Just Brynn. Just her mama. Lola gave me a moment as I struggled with letting her go, even though I knew she'd be in more than capable hands.

“Still hate me?” I paused at the door to ask, glancing back at her bright pink and teal hair and purple smiling eyes.

“Till my girl is home, I kind of hate you, yeah. Just because I love her and love you for her, and you fucked it up. It's a good hate, Levi. I got your Princess until you bring our girl home.” We exchanged a look and I knew I had to earn back more than Brynn's affections.

Brynn's entire family had abandoned her, but none of it had hurt her more than Lola's absence. I knew that. Which meant Brynn loved her more than her own blood. Had forgiven her without hesitation once Lola reached out again. I could only hope she loved me that much. Could forgive me for calling her reckless when I had been the one throwing our family away.

“You doing ok, man?” Hunter asked later that night while we headed back to the station after a call.

It was an accident on the Loop, with two young kids badly injured. He knew that shit shook me up, especially now. 

“No, not really. Threw my entire fucking life away. Just because Brynn was ashamed of something from her past. Afraid to tell me. I confirmed her fears.” My voice was thick with emotion, but he didn't give me shit about it.

“Fix it then. I fucked up too. Finn totally fucked up. Cage...he didn't really do anything wrong, did he? Anyway, they were worth the effort, so we fixed it. Did what it took to make it right. Is she worth it?” I glare at him because he knows she is.

“’Course she is. Best thing to ever happen to me, besides the nugget.” Hunter leaned in, putting a heavy hand on my shoulder.

“That little girl is yours, no matter what that woman says. We protect our family, Levi. At all costs. No matter what it takes, that baby is going nowhere.” I nodded, chest tight and nose burning at the idea of anything else.

I, of course, updated the guys, and I'm sure they updated the girls, about Isabel's visit. I would not give up Amelia, even if she was not my blood. I'd spent the last five months making a home and a family for her. While the woman who gave birth to her couldn't be bothered. That had to count for something. Might have fucked up, but I was going to do right by my Princess and get our queen back.

It might take time, a lot of effort, but Hunter was right; you did what it took when they were worth it. And without a doubt, my queen was worth it.

I didn't know where she was or what she was doing, and it scared me. Terrified me to think about her running back to that piece of shit Bernie because I'd turned my back on her. Left her no choice. Just like every other miserable fuck in her life. I didn't want to be another person who asked her questions that cost her.

“I will fix it. I can't.... can't even think about me without her. Amelia without her. Those girls, they're my fucking world. I promised to give them a fairytale and I fucked up.” Hunter sighed, shoving me gently.

“Maybe she didn't need a fairytale. Maybe all she needed was you and Amelia. To give her the one thing everyone else took away from her.” My head bowed as the tears came fresh again.

Didn't care that I was crying in front my boys. Didn't care that it was the second time Hunter had seen me lose it over Brynn. The fucker was right and it pained me that I had to hear it out loud to realize it.

I promised Brynn I'd give her a fantasy when I had no idea what that might mean for her. We rushed into being together, building a family together; I think that's all either of us ever wanted. It was the little parts, that we forgot to build, that made it crumble. Parts of us that we left out of what we had been building, the parts that might have kept us together.

Like all the things we never got around to telling each other. Even if it seemed we told each other everything during our short time together, we missed the bits and pieces. I knew her favorite color was Orange, but I never asked why. Knew she loved Fleetwood Mac, but had no idea her favorite song.

Each time I had gotten my chance with Brynn, I had gotten pieces of her, like shaking out a puzzle, seeing all the pretty pieces, but never finishing piecing it all together. That's what our relationship was. An unfinished puzzle that I needed the last piece to.

Two weeks. Almost three.

Routine. Day in, day out, it was all that kept me sane. Get some morning time in with Amelia, feed and change her before dropping her with Lola. Head to work, call Brynn's number every single hour and message her in between calls. Pick up my daughter, feed and play with her. Put her to bed with her favorite story, the one where I promised to find mommy, slay her dragons and bring her back home so we can get the fairytale. Amelia loved that story. Afterwards, I spent my nights making it true; I searched for Brynn with every resource I had.

“No luck yet, bro,” Stiles updated me one night after two days of no leads, “I promise, the second I find your girl, you will know.” I trusted him and Diggs, they were two of the best cops I knew; pretty sure I'd reached stalker status though.

“Thanks man. Sorry I’ve been so...” Stiles laughed, his thick north-eastern voice booming.

“No need, bro. We get it, Levi. Some girl’s worth the crazy.”

“Got that right, man.” I laughed with him, because he wasn't wrong.

Not knowing, wondering, it made me crazy; I earned it though and Brynn was worth every effort, every second of crazy she drove me.

By the start of the third week, my routine began to fail me. Seemed my Princess knew Brynn was gone by then. Killed me to see her search for Brynn every morning, wait for her then get sad when she never showed. And, my nightly story was breaking what was left of my heart. Because I no longer thought it was getting it's happily ever after.

Until a pixie saved my life.

Lola: Brynn's Home.