4
BRYNN
For being a relatively smart woman, I certainly make stupid choices. My life is riddled with them. One night in high school. About two years of wasted life after graduation. Mostly I am self-destructive so my stupid choices hurt just me. This time, though, my choice could affect more than me and I’m still doing it.
I must be some kind of sadist. Or is it masochist? Whatever it is, it’s not like I plan to stop now.
Because Levi Holt put a baby in my arms and asked me to help give her everything. The handsome fuck might as well have spread my legs and filled me with baby batter himself. Jesus. One look at that precious baby, so innocent and unaware of the dark cloud trailing her brand-new life, and I had no choice. Not really.
I mean, it’s not like he had played fair last night, anyway. Not when he made it clear he wanted more than a nanny for his new daughter. A daughter his whore ex-wife didn’t bother to tell him about, intend to stick around for, or even leave a Goddamn name. What kind of mother doesn’t name her child? A whore mother who didn’t deserve her or someone like Levi.
“Get it together, Brynn.” I scold my reflection in the mirror; just thinking about him makes me warm in places he shouldn’t be able to reach.
And yet.
And yet. Last night, he had touched me, had pressed his lips to my skin, had pinned me to the wall of a dressing room. It had been months since he had touched me like that. Talked to me like that. Mostly because I let him believe he didn’t deserve to touch me at all.
Last night though, he had touched me like those months had never happened. Like we were under the stars again. As if the ugliness we came back to didn’t matter. But, I knew better. Of course, it mattered. So did the months since, when I knew for a fact Levi had touched other women just the way he had touched me.
“I wanted you, baby.” It pissed me off when that statement played over again. And again. And again.
I gave up pretending, just for a moment, that it hadn’t done a number on me. Last night, holding that adorable baby, Levi whispering that to me as his perfect, hard, body pressed to mine, it had nearly done me in, in fact. Or, maybe it had since I had agreed to nanny for him. Why had I agreed to that?
“Because, guilt, Brynn. Also, because Amelia is Goddamn adorable. Just like her stupid father.” I made a face at my reflection, scrunched nose and wagging tongue, and headed from the steamy bathroom.
Lola knew before I had even stepped out of that dressing room what had gone down. After we loaded the ridiculous amount of baby gear Lola had insisted Levi needed, she had brought me here. To her old condo, across the hall from where she and Hunter still lived. I argued for about two minutes before I fell in love with the place and agreed.
I was staying in Chicago for as long as I could pretend it was just to do right by that precious baby.
Not for Levi. Or what he made me feel. Or the way he looked at me last night. And every night before. But, last night, it had been different. I had looked at him with that baby and listened to him plead with me to help him give her everything he had never had. Everything he probably assumed I had.
“Breakfast in ten, China Doll.” Lola’s voice called from across the hall as I headed for the door.
Hunter had dropped us off, then returned with my bags less than an hour later. We spent the night unpacking my stuff as Lola gushed about babies. Not just hers. That adorable crimson haired poppet Levi seemed so willing to alter his life for. Wasn’t that fucking amazing, Lola wondered? Of course, it was fucking amazing and, yes it did shit to my girly parts. Combined with what Levi already did to those parts, I was doomed and we both knew it.
“I promise to attempt to behave. I won’t lie to you, baby, it ain’t going to be easy.” Levi had warned me. Should have been enough of a warning.
Hot firefighter. Turned daddy. Who wanted his brand-new daughter to have everything. I was utterly doomed. Levi knew what he was doing but I was letting him do it. Again, it was my stupid choices. This one was epically ill-advised. And yet.
“The Yolk. I want banana nut waffles and I want them in abundance.” Lola announced as I met her in the hall.
“Baby Byrne will have his or her waffles, then, my lady. Shall we?” I held my arm out and Lola giggled, hooking hers through it.
“How fucking adorable will Hunter’s baby be?” I cocked a brow at her as we headed down the hall and outside.
“Umm, grossly adorable. How adorable will a Lola baby be, though?” I shot back with a wink, stepping up to the curb to hail a cab.
I could feel resentful or envious of her pregnancy. I don’t even think Lola would fault me, if I did feel that. I don’t, though; after hearing, what her first husband had done to her, how unlikely this baby was, I knew better.
Lola was meant to be a mother, and she had a second shot at it now. A shot with an adoring husband who would dote on her and that baby and give them a full, loving life. I wanted that for her more than I wanted it for myself. I didn’t always believe I deserved that same fate.
It took me a long time, longer than some thought it should, for me to make peace with what I had done. With the choices I had made. It felt like a lifetime ago. Some days, I regretted the choice. Others, I knew I had done the right thing. The days I thought about it too long or too hard, when I looked too deeply into my choice, guilt nearly suffocated me.
“Stop it. Don’t go back, Brynn.” Lola was murmuring beside me, breaking into my heavy thoughts.
“Hard not to, Midge.” I gave a half smile but knew it didn’t even look right on my face. It didn’t feel right, either.
“China Doll. You did right by her. You know you did. I can’t imagine being so strong.” Lola bends her tiny, swollen body into the cab that slows beside us.
Silently I fold in beside her, unable to breathe for a moment. It happens. I think about her or what she might be doing or if she even knows I exist. If I want her to know that I exist. I think about her birthdays and her first steps, first day at school, first tooth, and I can’t breathe. I have a part of me out there that I never get to make a choice about ever again. Because, I made just one choice, and it was for her.
In high school, both Lola and I kept to a tiny circle of people. Us, her younger sister Poppy, my older brother Anders and a few others. Then Seth and Bart entered the picture and none of us were ever the same. For me, I lost my best friend and Poppy lost her sister, and really, herself.
Oh, we still pretended things were the same; went out together and spent time over the summer doing what teenagers do. It was never the same, and we all realized it about the same time.
Senior prom. I had never dated, not really. One boy, a safe friend named Chester, would kiss me, hold my hand at the movies, call me and talk until late, but it was nothing. For prom, I wanted something. Something that was just mine, something that felt as if it had been my choice. Everything else in my life had already been chosen for me.
Life had been changing and I’d had no say in those changes. For one night, I made the choices. I said yes to the quarterback who I knew just wanted to bang the virgin Princess. Yes to drinks at the hotel. Hell yes to ditching my friends and my last night with them. I even said yes to no condom-I was on the pill. I made the choices that night.
When I realized the mistakes those choices had been, it was too late. I was eighteen with a diploma and a baby and no one else. Lola was gone, Poppy too. Then my brother. Nineteen and he couldn’t handle the pressure of the life my parents expected him to live. I often wonder if he hadn’t died, if my choice might have been different. I don’t think so, but I wonder.
“I just want her to have better. Better than us. Better than me.” I explained to my nurse, as my parents made sure I signed the paperwork. Taking away my choice.
Hours after giving birth to a beautiful baby girl, holding her and feeding her once, I gave her away. I knew nothing about them but what my mother had told me. She had chosen them, of course. They struggled for years to conceive, had a nice home far from my family, and they could give her everything I knew I couldn’t.
I didn’t cry when they let me say goodbye, or when I left the hospital alone. Didn’t cry when my parents insisted both their children were dead to them. We made a disgrace of the Gold name, they said. Had made bad choices that made them look bad. By then, I had no tears left for them.
Oh, I spent nights in my dingy apartment in Dorchester bawling, curled up, often drunk or high, sobbing until my body hurt. I just don’t think I cried for the right reasons. For the choices I had made, and the ones that had been made for me.
Lola holding me yesterday and telling me to let go, I think it was the first time I cried about my daughter. The little baby I never got to know. Who I watched grow in photos and too few updates from her adoptive parents. I felt an emptiness every day because I was missing a part of me. A part of me that was never meant to be mine, that should have never come about, but that I didn’t regret.
I had wondered how to deal with Lola and Hunter being parents right in front of me. Had decided I would leave before the baby was born. Or right after. Then Levi held that baby out to me last night and pleaded for my help. Told me they needed me.
Did I believe that? Not really. But, damn it felt like suddenly, I needed them. It was the worst possible choice and I would get burned. Why start making the right choices now? I was so good at the wrong ones.
“Don’t lie. Why lie? You want it. I know you do.” I scrunched my nose up as Lola waved a piece hollandaise covered Canadian bacon in my face.
“Not only do I not want it, if you weren’t pregnant, with a high chance of hulking out if I tried it, I wouldn’t let you eat it either.” I slapped her hand away playfully as I cut a bite of my waffle.
“Pregnancy has awakened my taste buds. I think everything is amazzz-za-zing.” Lola added a few extra z’s for effect, popping the pork into her mouth and moaning.
“So I noticed. How you pack away the food you do, I don’t know. I try to eat that way, I spread faster than pancake batter.” Lola rolled her eyes and shoved a forkful of syrupy waffle into her mouth.
“Bullshit! You are perfectly,” Another bite goes into her mouth and I can't make out what she says next “por-tion-ed.” Throwing a napkin at her, I roll my eyes too, laughing with her.
“Thinking that was a compliment. Can’t be sure, you know because the entire breakfast plate in your mouth, Midge.” As she rubbed her belly in contentment, she wiggled her brows and shoved more bacon my way.
I am in awe of the plate tiny Lola is feasting on. Two butter smothered banana nut waffles, a heap of Canadian bacon and four poached eggs. I don’t know where the girl puts it. It’s bright, decadent, even dangerous; kind of like Lola herself.
A look at my egg whites and oat and honey waffle makes me question the old saying you are what you eat. Am I boring? Bland? Jesus. Who waxes existential over breakfast at Yolk?
“Did you know we bet on shit, Gold? The Coopers and the Byrne’s. We bet on life and love and all sorts of absolutely inappropriate shit.” Lola murmurs around a bite of messy eggs.
My fingers close tight around my fork as I feel panic seize me. Ears ringing, pulse jumping, heart racing, my eyes fly to her face as she smiles, wide and bright. Careless and clueless. I make a point of breathing. In. Out. In. Out. Calming myself, I take a bite of waffle and wince at the bland flavor.
“What’s on the table today, Midge?” I don’t look at her, fearing she will see through my calm facade.
“You. Levi. Amelia. I say by Christmas. Hunter says Thanksgiving.” I nearly choke on waffle, twisting on the stools we chose at the counter, my mask of indifference gone.
“Excuse me? What does that mean, exactly, Lola?” My tone is biting, icy and her fork clatters to the plate.
Those big purple eyes go watery as her chin wobbles. Her head bends and her shoulders tremble and I’m a fucking shit friend. I panicked twice in the span of ten seconds and Lola paid the price. Pregnancy has made her tender heart downright mushy and it’s easy to set her off. The icy cut of my voice sounded sharp to my own ears, I can only imagine how it cut her.
“Midge. I didn’t mean it like....” Lola wipes her nose on her napkin, holding a hand up.
“I know. Hormones. I need to head to the library you want to come or go?” I know that right then, she doesn’t want me to go.
“I’ll finish and swing by later, ok, Midge?” Lola nods and slides from her stool, reaching for her purse.
“Quit it. I got it, Lola. My treat.” Lola nods and begins to step away, then pauses.
“Hunter might be right. Don’t mind hedging my bet though.” Her short bob bounces forward slightly before she brushes past me.
I twist to watch her go and my panic button explodes. Alarms sound, red lights swirl. Lola pauses to touch her face to the adorable bundle Levi is holding to his chest. Damnit, Levi.
It’s unfair, really. With two days growth at his jaw, tousled golden hair, a bright toothed smile, sparkling blue eyes and a tiny baby cradled in his massive arms, he’s like a weapon of mass destruction to my ovaries. They implode.
I feel my pulse skitter so fast it’s worse than what any syrupy sweet, bacon laden breakfast could ever do. My hands tremble as I struggle to unfold cash in hopes of bolting.
“Morning, honey.” Too late.
Lola is gone, Levi is here and I am stuck. Sliding onto the stool beside me, he smirks at Lola’s plate, reaching past me to snag a pinch of my waffle. Amelia is twisted against his chest, her chubby legs and arms kicking as he bounces her.
They both smile at me at the same time. I shit you not, father and daughter smirk the same smirk at precisely the same moment. I am in so much damn trouble.
“Morning Levi. Amelia. What’s got you two out?” I finish the last two bites of my waffle as he sinks in beside me.
“You, Brynn. Nugget woke me up asking for you. Told you I don’t plan to deny my nugget anything. What does your day look like, gorgeous?” I slide a narrowed look his way, hating how perfect they look, how perfect he smells and that sexy, raspy voice of his.
“Um, unpacking at the condo I suppose. Might be nice not to live out of a suitcase for a few months.” I lift a shoulder, refusing to take the bait he’s so clearly dangling.
“Mmm, we can help. In return, you can help me get my nugget situated. Sound like a plan?” No, it did not sound like a plan, it sounded like trouble.
Also, I lied. I finished unpacking late last night. I didn’t exactly come with much. Didn’t leave much behind, either. Just when I began to formulate an excuse, Amelia reached out, wrapping her tiny hand around my braid and tugging.
It didn’t hurt. Nothing more than my pride because it yanked the three of us into a little bubble of baby-Levi-honey-bacon smelling bliss. Levi smirked and reached out, smoothing his large hand over my braid and taking her hand with it.
“Come on, honey. Look at that face, huh? Or better yet, look at my face, yeah? Look at how Goddamn adorable we are, and try to turn us down.” Levi’s eyes were bright, almost electric blue, his smile crooked and my heart ached. As did the heat between my legs, but I digress.
“Shut up. Give me that baby.” I cooed, holding my hands out. Levi obeyed, tossing two twenties on the counter before ushering us out.
I ignored his hand on the small of my back as he followed me out. Ignored when it slid lower, like it had yesterday. His big hand gripped tightly once, lifting a cheek in his hand before it fell away.
I could not ignore the way his fingers passed just briefly between my legs as he smoothed his hand back up to my hip. Sly mother fucker. Levi chuckled beside me, lowering his lips to my ear.
“Said I’d try, baby. Didn’t say I might be very good at it. You smell fucking amazing by the way.” Levi traced his nose up my neck, his lips hot at the curve of my ear and I shuddered.
“Stop it.” It was a weak lie of a protest and he knew it.
“I love that little shudder you get when I touch you. I fucking love it.” I twisted to glare at him; pretty sure I failed and I looked like a panting slut, but what can you do?
“Behave Levi or I swear to God...” I cradled Amelia close to my chest as we headed for the L.
“I am trying, honey. I’m just not as good at it as you are, Brynn.” I bowed my head, letting Amelia toy with my braid, breathing in her sweet, fresh scent.
“Never said it was easy.” I murmured softly, refusing to look his way.
“You got good at it though. I deserve it. Earned it, didn’t I?” Again, he was touching me, hand at the small of my back, guiding me through the busy streets.
This time, I didn’t shudder. I didn’t give him what he wanted. But, I didn’t ignore how it felt. The weight of his hand on the small of my back. The burn of his fingertips at the curve of my hip. And the subtle press of his hard body against my side. I might have loved it more than he claimed to love my show of weakness earlier.
I am not a fool and yet I do foolish things. Like press closer to him as we walked, pretending it was the crowd’s fault. Or holding his heated gaze as we waited on the platform. Letting him slide close once we boarded, his arm slung over my shoulders. I watched him coo and talk to his daughter and I could image a thousand more stupid, foolish things I could do.
Like let this become something we both know it can’t be. Pretend we could pick up where we left off that morning four months ago. Act as if the past four months didn’t matter. That Levi carrying on as if that weekend never happened didn’t matter. Those were the foolish things that crossed my mind as we rode that train to his house. The three of us, like we were something.
It hurt and I was letting it hurt. Masochist. I was a Goddamned masochist. It always hurt when I saw cute little babies, happy families, little girls the same age mine would be now. I never considered a family after giving mine away. I knew I didn’t deserve it.
Now, here I was, letting myself play family with a man I can’t trust and a baby that could never be mine. I almost slide the baby back to Levi, exit that train and get the fuck out of Chicago. Until I see her.
Across from us, a woman watches us. I don’t miss the flash of envy on her pretty face. She must be in her forties, her ring finger bare and her eyes sad. Levi spots her too, tossing a polite nod. Suddenly he leans down, pressing a kiss atop Amelia’s curls, his eyes on mine.
Lord help me. Levi Holt might not know about the family I gave up. Doesn’t know about the one that cut me out of their lives. Somehow, he knows I crave one though. He might have known it before I did. Seeing as I’m just realizing it that very moment.
Levi offers me a secretive smile that heats my blood and makes my pulse leap. His big hand smooths over Amelia’s head as we watch each other. As he lets me hold his child while he holds me. There’s something in those sparkling blue eyes that scares the shit out of me, even as I ignore what’s behind it.
I can ignore it. I can pretend. What choice do I have? Doesn’t matter that Levi seems to want to give me his family. Because, I can’t have them.