14

BRYNN

Another hour. Another day. Another loss of hours. Like a prison cell that I hoped might rattle open soon, Boston held me captive. Two days became six then ten. Too many days lost. Because being in Boston was nothing short of a misery and staying would be a death sentence.

I almost could not leave Chicago. Nearly could not bear it. Walking out of Levi's house was the hardest thing I have ever done, next to handing my infant daughter over to strangers. Except it cut deeper because this time, I never wanted to walk away. I was given no choice.

Not by Levi. Not by Bernie. Not by my own choices.

I fled to a hotel for the first night, refusing to face Lola and Hunter. I got in and out of the condo like a ninja, thank you very much. I almost went back to Levi's—the first place I'd considered home in so long—half a dozen times that first night. Until Bernie called again.

“Looks like trouble in paradise, Gold. Come on home with Bernie, baby. Let me take care of you again. Let's forget it ever happened.” That heavy Boston accent sent disgust coiling through my limbs.

It was the first time I had answered his call in nearly a year. Surprised it took him so long to come after me, honestly. Not because either of us were deluded in the romantic status of our relationship. Just surprised his ego allowed him to wait me out so long. That ego allowed me the time I needed to set the foundation of a new life, though.

No way I could forget everything that he had done to me. That I had let him do to me. I book a flight back to Boston, before I even ended the call. I knew he would follow, I just needed to toss a few breadcrumbs.

“How about instead of forgetting, I remind you. Find me at Whitey's. See ya' soon, Bern.” It was time to start slaying dragons.

Losing everything and everyone you love, your entire family, it puts perspective on things. Last time it happened, after my brother's suicide tore our family apart, I indulged in my addictions because that perspective made me feel rotted out and lonely. Before Brad died, I complained often about being alone. Having no one. How wrong I had been.

I had Brad. I had Lola. And once upon a time, I had a precious baby girl for exactly five hours. I made a choice for her that my parents hung around my neck like an albatross of shame. And, I let them. After Brad died and Lola sunk deeper into Seth's darkness, it was all too easy.

But, Brad had loved me. I doubted it briefly after he died, but I knew better. We had been inseparable most of our lives, I was the first to meet his boyfriends and they stuck around only if they got my approval. He battled depression his whole life, and with our parents refusing to let him live his own life, instead of following their designs, he thought he had no way out.

“I will never be what they want me to be. I don't even want to try to be that.” Brad had been so self-assured, so certain about what he wanted, I'd envied him for that.

“Don't be then. Just be you. Just be amazing, perfectly imperfect you, Brad. I love you just like this.” I swore as we sat on the dock of our parent's lake house in Martha's Vineyard.

We had spent his last summer there together; he'd just finished his freshman year at University and I was heading into the toughest year of my life. I'd been pregnant, hiding from the world and he was there for me. Until one day, he wasn't. I was eight months pregnant when I woke up to an empty house and a note.

I knew what had happened the moment I found his note. Brad had a love of pills; he used them to heighten his moods or to calm them. He had been clean then though; clean and in love and ready to marry the man of his dreams. Until a late-night visit from our father; I heard the screams and accusations, the disgust and resentment.

We were not the children he wanted, so he didn't want us anymore.

To be honest, I was relieved. Tired of living up to the standards they held over us. I expected Brad to be, too. To feel free to go live his life; get married and have babies. We'd even talked about he and his fiancé taking Abbi. Seemed as much as my brother resented our parents, their disowning him was the final straw. Funny how they loved him in front of everyone else, mourning him as if it wasn't their fault he'd taken his life.

Brad's funeral felt like my own; the person I'd been died with him.

It was the last time I saw Lola before her wedding, too. I was broken and changed, pregnant and a wreck and she came when I needed her. I had no idea where she had been that summer, but it didn't matter. When I'd needed her most, Lola had been there.

Lola was the first person to make me feel like I could just be me. With her loud, brash laughter and light, her rebellious nature and sunny heart, it was hard not to embrace who you wanted to be. Even when you don't know who you want to be yet.

“Don't let this be the end for you. You still got me, China Doll.” I didn't have her for a while, but she was right, I had her. I had people.

That silly nickname of hers; felt pretty spot on then. As little girls, my mother had gifted Lola a doll that looked just like me. Gotten me one that was meant to look like Lola, too. It was kind of creepy but also the sweetest thing my mother had ever done for me.

Those dolls though, they were who our parents wanted us to be. What they wanted us to be. I knew even then, I hadn't wanted to be like that. Now, I knew just who and what I wanted to be.

I wanted to be Levi's Queen. Amelia's hero. That's who I wanted to be.

A little more than two weeks ago, I landed back in Boston. With zero intent to stay longer than necessary. I had not chosen to walk away this time, and for once, I didn't plan to let the choice be made for me.

Once I landed, I got to work. I set up a meeting with Bernie, knowing he had followed me. Bernie was hard to miss in the airport with his thick beard and scarred face. I planned to plead my case, pay them whatever it took and hope for the best.

After, I set up the sale of my loft. Hired movers to pack and ship everything that mattered to me and donated the rest. I even set up a meeting with Brad's lawyer, to finalize the last bit of his business.

What I expected to take a few days became a week, then two. I was miserable without Levi and Amelia. Had I ever doubted I might be able to come back to Boston as if my heart and soul weren't back in Chicago, I was swiftly proven otherwise.

Irony is a funny thing. I hid away from my past, from my bad choices and debts, fearing I could never shake them loose if they got hold of me again. I risked everything I had found with Levi by lying about what I had waiting back in Boston. Just to finish it all in what felt like the blink of an eye.

I showed for the meeting at Whitey's with a stock of steely reserve I owed to Levi. I was going to do whatever it took to make sure Bernie, and the Kelly's, stayed far away from my family. In the past, where they belonged. Just like Levi said, I was prepared to do anything to get our fairytale.

“There's my Goldie baby.” Bernie's voice boomed the moment I stepped into the dive joint.

Once I thought his slick Southie accent was hot. Jesus. In a dark suit I know cost a fortune and fit him well, he looked like the shark he was. His aqua eyes—the first thing I had liked about him—were lifeless and cold and I wondered how I'd missed it before. Bernie was a man without purpose, without meaning and a man like that could offer only pain and misery.

“Bernie. Mr. Kelly.” I nodded at the dark figure seated in the big corner booth behind him.

Donnie Kelly was the head of the blue-collar crime family. They were low class, low ranking, low earning low-life's who were clawing at the edge of the underworld in Dorchester. It was their lack of notoriety that was scary; they were willing to risk more because they had nowhere to go but up. I was terrified of Donnie once; not anymore.

“Gold. Good to see you looking so,” A cloud of sickly sweet cigar smoke accented his greeting, “Fortuitous. Missed you around here.” I laughed; loud and dry, because he had never liked me, so I doubted that.

“I bet you did. Just bet you missed me crashing your tables when I won and refusing to deliver drugs and weapons to college criminals. I bet.” It was too dark to see him, but I heard him chuckle.

“There she is. That's the girl who first walked into my club. Thought we'd lost you.” I wince a little, putting my shoulders back and lifting my jaw.

“I did get lost. For too long. Not anymore.” Bernie slid up beside me, wrapping an arm around my neck.

“I like you lost, Goldilocks. Makes me hard.” He licked my ear and disgust shuddered through me.

“Everything makes you hard, you sick fuck.” Surprise at my come back rippled through the nearly empty bar.

“Ooh, such a firecracker suddenly. I love it.” Donnie let out a rare laugh, grumbling and loud, the others watching him silently.

I was done being anyone other than Levi's Queen. Even if heads had to roll.

“I am done here. Boston is a chapter I'd like to leave behind me. Here to close the books, Donnie. Pay what I owe and move on.” I stepped away from Bernie, who growled curses as a warning that I ignored.

“Who said you get to close doors, baby?” Bernie spoke before Donnie could.

“I say. I lost who I was once. Thought I might never find myself again. And, I didn't. Found someone better, stronger, smarter. I won't get lost here again.” Bernie wraps his fist around my wrist and yanks at me.

“Who the fuck do you think—” A huge plume of smoke blew into my face and I realized Donnie was there.

“Shut up, Knight.” Bernie dug his fingers into my wrist until Donnie's eyes slid down, then narrowed on him.

“Yes, sir.” Bernie slid me a glare that might have scared the old Brynn.

Not now. Not the new Brynn. Not the woman I had found while I found my family. I was a queen, just like Levi said. I was strong, smart, capable and too good to let one choice ruin me.

“Why come home Gold? You were gone. Free.” Donnie is in his forty's, slicker than oil, malicious but always honest and polite. It’s kind of creepy.

“I owe the Kelly's. I won't be free until I don't owe you or anyone,” My gaze slid towards Bernie, fuming beside me, “And, he did not let me go free. Bernie found me; followed me and my daughter, threatened my family.” Bernie puts his hands up and backs away.

“Oh, did he? You do owe us, Brynn Gold. A lot. Can't blame the guy for wanting to get what's owed to him.” Even though he says this, I feel a rush of something that tastes like relief. Donnie has trained his steely gaze on Bernie and I feel like I might get out of this in one piece.

“I owe you, Mr. Kelly. I know I do. I am here to clear my debts.” I pat the heavy messenger bag crossing my chest.

“Is that right? Just like that, huh? Come here, flash a little cash, then walk?” Donnie circles me, a cloud of smoke burning my eyes as it swirls around us both.

“That's right. I owe two-hundred and eighty-two thousand. Plus, change.  Even if I figure a hundred bucks a drop, I paid it back one and a half times last year. I stopped hitting the Pit,” I nodded towards the back where they held their casino, “almost a year ago. I did the drops up till then. Figured I paid back my dues. Bernie suggested otherwise. Insisted I pay other ways.” A flush of shame washed over me as my head bowed.

“Learning new things about Bernie tonight, aren't we Scooter,” Donnie's voice boomed this, his head nodding towards his main enforcer, “You think you paid your dues. Why come back? Oh, that's right, because our friend Bernie left you no choice.” I nodded and open the flap on my bag.

“That's right. Besides I never paid my dues to you, Donnie. Just to Bernie. I am here to clear my books, Donnie. If I can.” Donnie towers behind Bernie, puffing that cigar and intimidating the man who once intimidated me.

“Like a woman who takes care of business. Does what needs to be done. Did what you needed to do for us. Did it well. Maybe I want to keep you here.” My back stiffened as I squared my shoulders.

“No, sir. My home is Chicago now. My family is waiting for me to come home. I fucked up a lot because I lost my family once. Don't intend to do it again.” Bernie's mouth twisted into an evil grin as he stepped forward.

“I was your family, Goldie. Remember?” Before I could duck away, his hand shot out, smoothing over my face then tangling in my hair.

Swiftly, I backed away. Bernie moved with. The fear was crawling back through me, tearing away at the confidence I had walked in here with. I didn't expect it to go sideways like this. I took another step back, closing my eyes and waiting for it. For the blow that would start his assault.

Didn't even realize I was talking, loudly, angrily, every step back I took.

“Never listened. I said no. Said no to the bourbon. Whisky. Said no to the weed and the pills. Always said yes after a hundred no's. But I said no, first. I said no, every time you made me watch you abuse those girls. Said no every time you made them watch you abuse me. Every single time,” I was panting now, my back hitting the bar I'd back away so far.

“Said no, when you handed me the first package. After I cleaned out my college fund to clear my debts. You said no then. I said no when you fucked me in front of strangers. Tied me up and hurt me. I said no. I said no Bernie. NO. NO!” I was screaming the words hot and angry into his face, my eyes wide open.

Once my eyes had closed, awaiting his attack, I'd seen her face. Seen Amelia's beautiful face. Somehow so much like mine. I saw her making bad choices and owing someone like Bernie. Like Donnie. Like my parents. I wouldn't let her make the same bad choices I had. Wouldn't let her pay for those choices, even if she made them.

I was done paying for a choice. A choice that, I now had no doubt, had been the right one.

“Bernie.” Donnie's voice boomed.

One word. Just two syllables. I knew what it meant. I'd heard Donnie say sentences that held as much weight as that one word did now. Threatening, menacing, life altering sentences. Scooter was behind Bernie, who had followed me just a few feet. His beefy hand rested on Bernie's shoulder; I chanced a look into his face and saw for the first time since I'd met him, Bernie looked truly human. Terrified and human.

There was a few whispers and some talk behind hands, and Scooter led Bernie out. I had an idea of where he might be heading, but I didn't care. He'd made that choice. Made lots of choices. I crossed the room, lifting open my bag again.

“I owe you a debt, Donnie. Want to clear it.” I pulled out the rubber banded stacks of money, fresh and crisp from my visit to the bank just before coming here.

Donnie's dark eyes narrowed on me as one side of his mouth curved into a smile. Nodding his head, he held his hand out for me. I set four stacks into his hands. Then two more. Four more. Double what I owed and a little more. A nice round number that I hoped could buy my fairytale ending.

“Now you just get to walk away, huh?” I saw it flash in his eyes and I almost laughed; he was proud of me. For showing up, for running my mouth, for finding who I was supposed to be.

“Yes, sir. A dozen kids can make those deliveries. I don't care enough to talk. I paid my debts. Bernie owes more dues than I do, Mr. Kelly. Figure you know that, though,” We shared a smile because, of course he knew it, “I head home, forget the name Kelly, Whiteys and Dorchester. You find another fuck up to take my spot, let me have my life.” The end of his stubby cigar glowed bright orange and he spoke through a cloud of smoke.

“Smart girl, Gold. Always liked you. Liked your fire. You had to be the one to let it burn again.”

I laughed. Hard, loud, long, I laughed at his sage advice. Almost too late. And coming from a brutal gangster. My life. This is my life. And I was going to fucking live it.

I walked out of Whitey's, out of south Boston and right to the airport.

“Boston to Chicago. Yes, please, one way.” Finally, I planned my escape.

I chose them. I'd choose them every single day forever, if Levi let me. I would never look back to Boston, never lie about who I had been once. Because that fucked up girl made me who I am now. A motherfucking queen.

A queen who has a king, a Princess and a fairytale castle to get back to.