Chapter Thirteen
Noah wasn’t one for second thoughts. No, he was one for fifth and sixth thoughts. When he’d taken the job at Landview, he’d covered pages and pages with pro and con lists despite feeling in his soul like the job was destiny. So it wasn’t surprising that his heart seemed determined to thump its way out of his chest. He scrutinized himself in the sliver of mirror in his bathroom. Wet hair. Bare chest. Normal eyes. Funny, he didn’t look on the verge of a panic attack. He looked fairly calm.
Inside though, he was a bit of a mess. They’d gotten a ride back to the campground with some random cousin of Adrian’s. Man, his family was huge. The cousin had ribbed Adrian about why they wanted to leave early, which made Noah’s muscles lock up tight. Was their sex life fair game to everyone?
You’re just not used to having a sex life to speak of. Well, that was part of it. Everything felt so new and fragile and private. He really needed to calm down though, because after tomorrow, he’d be back to a life apart from speculation and scrutiny. And why that failed to reassure him, he wasn’t sure he wanted to examine. Because you like being a couple with Adrian. Even a pretend one. Even with the awkward jokes and all the eyes on you.
And that was why he was here. That was why he was going to swallow his fears and second thoughts and go out there and make love with Adrian. Because this was his one chance to have a connection like this. And he was going to grab on with both hands, even if it terrified him.
Should have jumped him at the door. That might have helped, but they’d had two cooped-up dogs in dire need of exercise. And Adrian had shooed Noah into the shower while he took the dogs out. Noah pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms. He supposed it was a bit ridiculous to put on pants, but walking out in only a towel was a level of bravado he wasn’t quite up to.
When he emerged, he discovered that Adrian had been busy. The lights were low in the bedroom, covers pulled back, and music coming softly from the stereo—he recognized his favorite mix right away. Our song. And just like that, he was back at the reception, surrounded by the magical cocoon that had made him want to cling to Adrian like a life raft. Adrian had stripped down to his boxers. He looked up from fiddling with the stereo.
“Dogs are fed and walked. Was your shower nice?”
“You’ve been busy.” Noah sidestepped the shower question because “lukewarm, cramped and doubt-riddled” would be a major mood killer, and all those anxious thoughts were quickly retreating under the force of Adrian’s warm gaze.
“Yeah.” Adrian crossed over to him, tugging him farther into the room. “I want...I want things to be perfect for you. You deserve a lot more than this. But I’m going to try my best to make this memory a good one.”
“Kiss me.” Noah’s throat was tight and his eyes stung. Adrian’s sweetness was undoing him. Noah’d never thought of himself as a remotely romantic guy, but Adrian dripped romance, handed out cuddles and beautiful moments like breath mints. And somehow, Noah found himself craving the one thing he’d told himself never to want.
I want you. I want you to be mine for real. I’m going to remember this until my last day on Earth. They were grandiose, melodramatic thoughts, but Noah put them all into the kiss, let his lips and tongue show Adrian how much he appreciated his little efforts to make this special. Adrian broke away long enough to pull him down on the bed.
“I love kissing you. I could kiss you for days.” Adrian stroked his face. “I’ve loved everything we’ve done so far—I don’t need this. If you change your mind, I won’t—”
“Adrian? Please don’t ask too many questions. I want this. I want you. You don’t need to check in with me.”
“You’ll tell me if I go too fast or you need to stop?” Adrian looked down at him with soft eyes.
“Yes.” He pulled Adrian in for another kiss. Please overwhelm me. Block out everything but you. I’m not changing my mind. They kissed for what felt like hours, Adrian’s hands roaming all over him until Noah was drowning in sensation, drowning in Adrian.
I could spend a thousand years in this moment and it wouldn’t be enough. They lost their pants at some point, and Noah couldn’t remember why he’d ever been embarrassed about this man seeing him. Being skin to skin with Adrian felt like the most natural thing in the world. Adrian held onto his hips and rocked into him, their erections dragging together.
“I want you,” Adrian whispered in his ear. “Want inside you. Want to light you up.”
Noah moaned his agreement. Adrian kissed his way down Noah’s body, stopping at all sorts of spots Noah had never thought of as particularly kissable—his shoulders, the insides of his elbows, his sides, the crests of his hipbones. After last night, Noah had a pretty good idea where Adrian was headed, but he still gasped at the warm swipe of Adrian’s tongue against his shaft. Adrian licked him all over, teasing but never sucking him in. Didn’t matter. Noah’s whole body still strained toward him.
“Need...”
“Yeah?” Adrian’s breath tickled the base of Noah’s erection before he sucked one of Noah’s balls into his mouth, laving it with his tongue.
“Ooooh.” Noah saw entire constellations when Adrian’s nimble tongue dipped lower, rubbing against a definitely unkissable spot. Except that’s exactly what Adrian was doing—kissing and sucking and licking Noah’s most private of spots.
His breath came in rough gusts of air, abs contracting as Adrian made love to his tender hole. His body vibrated like it was caught in a July lightning storm.
Snap. Crackle. A hot sizzle raced through him as Adrian worked a lube-slicked finger inside. Inside him.
“That good?” Adrian asked.
Noah gasped, a weird humming noise coming from his chest that he hoped passed for a yes.
Adrian withdrew his finger, and then he pushed it back inside him again, slippery and wider...oh man, that was two fingers in him and Noah couldn’t get a breath in. Want, giant boulders of want rolled off him, accompanied by a landslide of need. This was every desire he’d had for two decades hitting all at once.
Adrian kissed his knee and somehow it was exactly what Noah needed, that little bit of grounding. Then Adrian’s fingers, curved, seeking...
That. Noah made a desperate sound in an unfamiliar octave. The lightning storm found a piece of kindling deep inside Noah, forest fire racing through his nerves, a hot burn chased by a pleasure he couldn’t even begin to name.
He felt a warning tingle, the kind that usually required a hand on his shaft.
“Stop.”
Adrian withdrew immediately. “Hurts? I’m so—”
Noah hauled him down for a blistering kiss rather than suffer through an apology. “No. No pain. Was about to come. Wanted that with you.”
“You were about to come? And I didn’t even have a hand on your cock.” Adrian’s look could only be described as awe.
“Um. Is that not normal?”
“Oh, that’s brilliant. I love it. You really are the perfect guy for me.”
Noah wanted that. Wanted Adrian’s love. Wanted to be his perfect guy. A chasm cracked inside his chest, the solid rock of want breaking into bitter crumbs.
Breaking away from their embrace, Adrian fumbled with a foil packet. “Someday I want to try that—make you come just from riding my fingers.”
Someday. The one thing they didn’t have. Wouldn’t ever have. He wasn’t really Adrian’s perfect guy. Some of those morbid thoughts must have shown on his face, because Adrian’s grin faded.
“What’s wrong, baby? It’s okay to change—”
“Stop. Stop waiting for me to change my mind. Do you want to fuck me or not?” Noah barked, far harsher than he’d intended. His throat burned and from more than the never-used expletive.
“I’m sorry.” Adrian didn’t run from his anger like Noah half expected, but instead stretched out next to him, stroked Noah’s hair. His voice was as soft as his hand. “Can I tell you a secret? This is kind of a first for me too. I’ve never been with a virgin before, and I’m just so fucking scared of screwing things up for you. I...I care about you.”
I could love you. The thought hit Noah, almost paralyzing in its intensity. He could fall in love with this too-nice man. Someone should. Someone should scoop him up, run away from the world and all its cruel realities.
“I care about you too.” Too. Too. Much. “I don’t need things perfect. I just need you.”
It seemed he’d said the right thing, because Adrian growled, then kissed him with a fierceness that stole Noah’s next breath. He gave it over to Adrian right along with his heart.
“Only you,” Noah said when they came up for air. “You’re everything I need. And I really love it when you just...take over.”
“Take over? You saying I’m bossy?” Adrian grinned down at him.
“I’m saying all the question asking isn’t really you, Dre. You’re always so careful to make sure I want things, but tonight, I want all of you. No more holding back. No worrying about offending me.”
“I want all of you too.” Adrian’s eyes were wide and liquid. He stroked his palms down Noah’s chest. “You’re amazing. I meant it. You really are the perfect guy for me. Other guys complain about me being too take-charge, and you’re all asking for it. I might love you.”
I really might love you too. It hung there, the truth linked between their eyes. People weren’t supposed to feel like this about people they’d known less than a week. Noah had known people decades and never felt one hundredth of what Adrian made him feel. And the emotions that had loomed so scary a few minutes past, making him lash out, mellowed into something manageable—bearable because he wasn’t alone in this strange, raw place. Adrian was here too, and nothing could ever be truly terrifying if he was along for the journey.
Their lips met, and it was different now, one more invisible barrier pulled away. Adrian quickly ramped things up, mouth hot and hungry against Noah’s.
“I want to get back to where you thought you might shoot. I want you to beg for it.” Adrian whispered in his ear. He used his lips and his fingers to coax Noah back to that place where he felt dangerously soft and open, where he wasn’t sure he could take any more.
“Please. Please.”
“Want you to need this as much as I do.” Adrian’s voice was low and husky as he worked Noah with masterful fingers.
“I do. Please, Dre. Now,” Noah begged, and there was strange freedom in his pleas—he could totally give himself over to the sensations, knowing Adrian was the one ultimately in charge. He didn’t have to worry about what would happen when.
It wasn’t unlike a roller-coaster ride—he hadn’t been on one in years and years, but he’d liked the “strapped in, helpless to resist what was coming” feeling. Enjoying that sensation made him feel weird, so he hadn’t ever sought it out again. Maybe he’d been missing out because making love with Adrian, once Adrian gave up his cautious concern, was like riding a smooth and sleek newfangled roller coaster—all fast sensation and light and none of the shaky wooden are-we-going-to-die feels he’d worried over.
No, this was pure adrenaline, rich and heady, even as Adrian shifted, removing his fingers and moving between Noah’s legs. Warning. Sharp curve ahead.
“I want you like this—face-to-face,” Adrian said as he put on the condom. There was room for Noah to object to the position, but it wasn’t a question. Adrian wanted, so Noah wanted. It was that simple for him. Hang on tight.
He tilted his hips as Adrian pressed in, but the angle was awkward and it pinched. Adrian’s forehead crinkled and he chewed fiercely on his lip. Noah could practically see the questions he was holding in. Holding in. That was exactly what Noah had done for years. Held everything in so tight that almost nothing was left.
He grabbed his thighs, pulling them up and open. Adrian groaned, tracing a hand down Noah’s front.
“So beautiful, baby. Yeah. Open up for me.” Adrian pushed forward again and this time Noah’s body gave way, let Adrian ease in. It burned, but the burn took him to a place where he wanted to open more. Wanted to chase this feeling, see where it led.
Adrian took over for his hands, hooking Noah’s legs over his arms, bending him almost in half. And Noah welcomed it. He felt the instant Adrian slid all the way home, balls rubbing against his skin.
“More,” he groaned. Adrian complied, starting a series of slow strokes. Noah pushed forward to meet each thrust, letting go a little more each time, opening up more. He let go of everything he’d been denying himself, everything he had tried so hard not to want. Let go of every doubt and restriction he’d placed on himself. Let himself have this, have it all.
* * *
Adrian’s shoulders shook with the effort of going slow. Noah’s legs gripped him tightly. Noah was lean but strong, especially in his legs from all that bike riding. So strong. Adrian’s chest ached with an emotion deeper and more personal than pride, sweeter than admiration. Noah had built these high walls around himself, closing himself off from the world, off from himself even. And tonight, he’d taken a wrecking ball to those barriers. And Adrian got to be along for the ride. It was pretty humbling.
Noah opened far more than his body to Adrian with each thrust—his eyes were open, trusting, lips parted to let out a groan, heart on display. Adrian had had a lot of sex. He’d even had some pretty loving sex with past boyfriends. But he wasn’t sure he’d ever made love like this—creating something deep and meaningful out of the tangle of their bodies, crafting connection out of the random circumstances that had tossed them together.
Trying to stem the rush to orgasm, Adrian had to slow his motions to little rocks of his hips.
“More,” Noah demanded, pushing up to meet Adrian’s hips.
“If I go faster, I’m going to come,” Adrian warned with a shaky laugh.
“Pretty sure that’s the point, right?” Noah smiled up at him. He was bent in half, hard dick trapped between their bodies, and still he managed a smile. So amazing. “I want that, Dre. Want to see you let go.”
Adrian realized with a start that as much as he treasured Noah’s surrender, that Noah needed that from him too. Noah wanted to see him lose control. No, Noah needed to see it. And Adrian needed to give him that.
“Don’t hold back, Dre,” Noah whispered.
“Want you along for the ride.” It took a bit of awkward maneuvering but he got a hand between them, took hold of Noah’s dick.
“I am. I could come.” Noah laughed, more of that North Carolina accent seeping into his sex-laden voice, and looked up at him, so much naked admiration in his gaze that Adrian’s heart stuttered. His body trembled with the force of his emotions. Nothing had ever moved him like the surrender of this man, like the gift of his trust.
Then Noah’s head fell back, exposing the long column of his throat, the bob of his Adam’s apple as he gave himself over to him, and Adrian’s control was gone. His hips went hard, harder than he probably should with a virgin, but Noah met him thrust for thrust.
He worked his angles, trying to find the perfect friction on Noah’s gland. God, he was so responsive. If Adrian wasn’t so damn frantic, he could probably get Noah to come from nothing more than stimulation of his spot. But Adrian’s patience was shot, and he stroked Noah’s cock with desperation, needing Noah to come first, but not sure if he was going to make it.
“Lose it,” Noah whispered. “Lose it in me.”
That was it. Done. Finished. Adrian wished for one blinding moment there was nothing more than skin between them, that he could empty himself into Noah. Noah, who wanted it. Noah, who was waiting for Adrian to shatter.
“Come on.” He jerked Noah roughly as the first spasms hit him. “Come with me.”
Those were the last words he formed, pure nonsense spewing from his mouth as he came hard. Wetness splashed against his fist. Oh fuck yes. Another spasm arched though him. He came down slow, like a hang glider slowly drifting back to earth.
Muscles still trembling, he took care of the necessary cleanup before rejoining Noah on the bed. The need to hold Noah was strong and he scooped him into his arms as he flopped onto the mattress.
“How am I going to let you go?” Noah whispered, a spear straight into Adrian’s gut. Noah’s eyes drifted shut before he even had the question out.
“You don’t have to.” Adrian knew Noah’s question had been rhetorical, a whispered musing on the way to sleep, but he lay awake for hours, holding Noah and trying to see a way past goodbye.