Chapter Four
Noah’s pulse galloped along at a Pony Express clip. He shouldn’t have been surprised by Adrian’s shocked expression. He was pretty surprised himself. He had simply planned to see how Adrian was getting on. It wasn’t Adrian’s fault that Noah kept whole parts of himself off-limits, even from his own investigation. And sending Adrian to see Old Billy had been a little like throwing him to the wolves—Noah had been coming here long enough to not expect much from the man.
“Why?” Adrian raised his eyebrows far enough to make his glasses slide down his nose.
Good question. Noah had to take a few breaths. Other people often got impatient with his need to think before he answered questions, but Adrian’s expression never wavered. It was part of what Noah liked about talking with him the night before—Adrian gave him the space to reflect and didn’t make him feel all awkward about it.
“I have a sister,” he said finally. It was far more complicated than that, really, but it was easier to focus on the familial similarities than on the strange protectiveness he felt toward Adrian.
“Yeah?” Adrian prompted.
“Older sisters have a way of keeping us on the rails, don’t they?” he said. Adrian’s tone when he spoke about his family, his sisters in particular, had resonated with him, made his ears ring with a nostalgic tune he hadn’t heard in ages.
“Word.” Adrian bumped fists with him. “And I have two. You only have the one?”
“Yeah. Ruth. And I...” It was hard to put into words what Ruth meant to him. “I was there when she got married twelve years ago. And I was there when she had my nephew. But lately...I haven’t been there.”
“Oh?”
Adrian’s tone invited further sharing, but Noah simply shrugged. The reasons behind his absence were intensely complicated, and he didn’t have the vocabulary to explain how hard it had become to be the bachelor uncle at family events, knowing he was always going to be the bachelor uncle, the awkward one unsure how to deal with kids, the guy with no one to go home with afterward, no one to sneak away with for a quiet word. He had never done well with crowds, and the larger Ruth’s extended family got, the more difficult it was for him to go home.
“It’s probably not the same thing, but I’ve kept my distance since Emily started seeing Deron a few years ago. I was already the odd guy out in my family. The weird kid with the dark hair and tats and piercings who kept asking for computer hardware for presents.” Adrian’s tone was a bit wistful.
“They do make good presents.” Noah jumped at the chance to focus on Adrian’s life instead of his own situation.
“Agreed.” Adrian bumped fists with him again. “But anyway, I used to escape to Deron’s house whenever I was home, even after we stopped seeing each other. But then he decided to go be some big IP lawyer and went to law school with Emily, and now...”
“It’s just weird?”
“So weird.” Adrian laughed, and the deep timbre knocked something loose inside Noah’s chest and he found himself joining in, his laugh a strained, rusty thing compared to Adrian’s freewheeling chuckle.
“You’d really take me to Denver?” Adrian sounded afraid to hope. “Tyranny of big sisters unite?”
“Sure.” Noah kept his voice light. He didn’t want to sort through the tangled mess of reasons he had for agreeing to this. “And it’s not that big of a deal—if we leave soon and drive straight through, we should be there shortly after dinnertime. I’ll drop you off, get as far back as I can. Stop and sleep, then I should manage almost a full work day tomorrow.”
“Your deadline. You sure you can afford to lose a day?”
No. “It’ll work out. But we should head out soon.”
Adrian leaped up, then held out a hand to help Noah. Adrian’s constant stream of casual touches made the skin on the back of Noah’s neck itch. Even the brief clasp of their hands made his traitorous body take far more notice than it should.
“I’ll help you get everything ready to go.”
“It doesn’t take too much to get on the road.” Noah followed him down the path to the RV. The dirt path was drying out, but enough mud remained for the dogs to squish in. He added paw cleaning to his to-do list.
“Still. I’ll do whatever you need.” Adrian all but danced down the path back to the RV.
“Boy. You really are relieved not to have to make that call.” Noah wasn’t quite sure what to make of this bouncy, happy Adrian.
“You have no idea.” Adrian wriggled almost as much as his dog. The wind whipped through Adrian’s hair, the air a good twenty degrees cooler than yesterday. Noah tugged his coat closer. He’d been distracted by Adrian’s presence and hadn’t done his usual morning ritual of checking the weather.
“We should stop in Green River. Get a sweater thing for Pixel before he shivers out of his skin and a phone charger for you.”
“Charger would be nice, and Pixel could definitely use a sweater, but I feel like I owe you so much already. You will let me send you funds for gas and the stuff you buy, right?”
“Yeah, and I’m going to hold you to that beta access for the game you offered too.” He held open the RV door for Adrian. Noah was doing fine for money—Landview wasn’t exactly a high-cost-of-living city, and living out of the RV, even with payments on it, allowed him a bit more cushion than most junior professors. But he could tell by the set of Adrian’s square-shaped jaw that repayment was important to him.
Noah had getting road-ready down to a quick series of steps, and he was pleased with how easily Adrian got with the program. They secured everything in the cabinets, disconnected the hookups, retracted the bump-outs, and turned around the driver’s and passenger’s seats. Other than his research papers and books, which had a tendency to spread out, Noah tried to keep things neat enough so he could leave somewhere easily.
Adrian converted the sofa bed back into a couch, and Ulysses promptly hopped up, having picked up on the road trip vibe. His bulk took up the better part of the couch, and his tongue lolled out as his tail thumped a happy rhythm. In the early days, Noah had experimented with crating him while on the road, but they’d quickly come to an understanding that this was how Ulysses preferred to ride—and Noah valued his eardrums too much to disagree.
For his part, Pixel seemed content to settle into Adrian’s lap and his towel blanket.
“You know, I can do some of the driving,” Adrian said as he buckled up. “Let you sit in the back and work on your research.”
Noah got the motor home in gear and checked his backup camera before slowly backing out of the space. “Have you ever driven something this big?”
“Size is not an issue with me,” Adrian said quite cheekily. He gave Noah a wolfish smile as they left the campground. “And yes, I drove most of the way in the RV with Trent. And I’ve driven my dad’s pickup with a camper trailer.”
“This is a Class A motor home—it handles quite differently than the Class C’s or a trailer.” Noah knew he sounded like a curmudgeon, but he’d taken a course in driving through his RV dealer—it was the prudent thing to do when driving something the size of a bus. And for all he liked Adrian’s cocky attitude, he wasn’t sure about letting Mr. Confident take him for a test drive.
“I’m sure I could figure it out. I like driving. A lot.” Adrian winked.
Noah had no idea what to make of the unsettled feeling in his insides. He focused on the twisty road that led back to the rural highway. It didn’t help. The feeling remained.
“You really want to help?” he asked.
“Of course.”
“Then none of that.”
“None of what? Driving?” Adrian’s bafflement was about as trustworthy as a three-way stop with a blind left turn. His voice was teasing, the verbal equivalent of another wink.
“You know what I mean.”
“Talking?”
“You can talk.”
“Then what?” Oh Adrian was having far too much fun with this. His tone was light and nothing like the heavy weight bearing down on Noah.
“Flirting, okay? No flirting.” There. He’d said it. “We both know you wouldn’t have tried innuendo before you discovered my...literary inclinations.”
“Your literary inclinations? That might be the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Noah made a warning noise, not unlike Ulysses when other dogs got too close.
“Okay, okay. I get it. I’ll tone it down. But I have to tell you, you caught me on a horrifically bad day yesterday. My default mode—with everyone—is rather...friendly.”
“I guess I don’t understand extroverts.” Noah had never once had innuendo accidentally slip into ordinary conversation.
“Actually, I’m not. I really like being alone and working on my code. I don’t like being bothered with trivial interruptions.”
“Me either.” He turned onto the rural highway that led to Green River, rocky landscape on either side of them, few cars on the road. The wind was really kicking up, the scrubby grass and trees blowing.
“When I’m with people, I do like kicking back and having a good time, but I’m usually happy to be alone again after they leave. I need recovery time.”
“That’s how I feel after class.” Noah loved his job, but being “on” for a long lecture class could be exhausting, to say nothing of faculty functions.
“I’m not always fit for human company after a long day of development meetings,” Adrian said. Pixel’s collar jingled as he resettled in Adrian’s lap. “I think that’s why I’m so good at long-distance relationships.”
“You’ve had a lot?”
“Depends on your definition of lot. Would that fall under things I’m not allowed to talk about?”
“No, I’m curious,” Noah admitted. Plus he really liked the sound of Adrian’s voice. He liked how Adrian filled the quiet of the highway and the RV, but it wasn’t an annoying stream of chatter.
“Well, I am the king of long distance. Every major relationship I’ve had has had a big long-distance stretch. First, Juan Mendoza from computer camp in tenth grade. We were email and chat friends for a full year before I met Deron. And Deron and I were at the same school, but I graduated first and left for UCLA. We did long distance for three years.”
“What happened?”
“Oh the usual—the relationship was on life support for a good year, then eventually fizzled itself out. We were kids.”
Adrian still seemed like a kid compared to Noah, but Adrian nodded sagely like he had all the wisdom in the world.
“Your parents didn’t mind the high school boyfriends?” Oh crap. Noah was supposed to be listening. Not wandering into minefields. Still, he simply couldn’t imagine a universe with a boyfriend in tenth grade. Or even college. And zero censoring? That wasn’t the world he lived in.
“Nah. My parents had far more pressing shit to object to—my hair, my clothes, my lack of interest in ‘suitable’ careers or ‘acceptable’ socializing, the tattoo I got before I was strictly legal...”
“Sounds like you were a handful.”
“Yeah, and I only got worse in college.” Adrian’s grin was a wide, proud thing. “More tats. More crazy hair, and after Deron came Kenji, who left for the Peace Corps a few months after we started dating. After he broke up with me to date a relief worker, there was no one for a long time until Trent.”
As best as Noah could figure, Adrian had been a virtual UN of dating. The level of...freedom he enjoyed was staggering. Awe-inspiring really, in a volcano-on-the-verge-of-erupting sort of way. I’m not envious. I’m not.
“You seem to like having boyfriends.” He couldn’t keep the observation to himself or temper the tendril of wistfulness climbing up his chest, around his throat, wrapping around his words.
Not surprisingly, Adrian gave him a strange look. “As opposed to random hookups, you mean? Because I can’t say I exactly enjoy distance. After Trent, I’m so done with long-distance anything.”
“Good,” Noah said and meant it. He did. He tamped down whatever petulant part of him felt the need to object. He was not auditioning for the role of Adrian’s next boyfriend.
This earned another long look from Adrian, this time over the rim of his glasses. Noah gripped the steering wheel tighter. Ahead of them, an ancient pickup had two dogs riding loose in the bed, which only made Noah’s fists clench that much harder.
“Anyway, yes, I prefer boyfriends to hookups. Who wouldn’t?”
Who indeed? Noah stared at the rear end of the slow moving truck in front them, his gaze not venturing farther than its dusty taillights.
“I mean hookups are great, but it’s not what I really want, you know?”
“Yeah.” No. Actually, Noah had no clue, but luckily for him, Adrian I’m-really-an-introvert seemed eager to indulge Noah’s weird curiosity.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love sex. But sometimes what you really want is someone to text during Walking Dead and say ‘did that just happen?’ or someone who asks about how your day went and actually cares about the answer.”
“Yes.” Noah breathed the word without thinking. His shoulders shrugged with the force of his exhale. Yes. Yes. Yes. He had long ago figured out how to sublimate inconvenient sexual urges—a long bike ride and a little indulgence in the shower typically took care of that. He liked to tell himself it was hard to miss what he’d never had. But companionship? That urge was more insidious, stalking him at vulnerable moments. He might have no idea what the appeal was to a hookup, but someone to care about...
Woof. Ulysses barked at a passing car. A dog. I have a dog for that. And if he felt sadness pushing down on his shoulders, making him slump in the driver’s seat, he had no one to blame but himself.
* * *
There was so much naked longing in Noah’s voice that Adrian’s heart clanked against his ribs.
“Have you ever had one?” he asked.
“One what?” Noah’s eyes were locked on the old truck in front of them. Adrian couldn’t tell whether Noah was deliberately playing dumb. His expression was starker than the miles of empty land surrounding them.
“A relationship.” They were back to dangling over the crocodile pit of conversational topics Noah likely couldn’t handle, but Adrian felt the need to push a bit.
He wasn’t sure why Noah fascinated him so much, but talking with him gave Adrian a high usually inspired by solving a tricky design problem or defeating a video game level. And no, he wasn’t going to stop flirting. Whatever strange attraction he felt was undoubtedly one-sided, but he still wasn’t going to deny himself the pleasure of prodding Noah. And he wanted to believe Noah felt something for him beyond pity. Even just friendship would be nice.
And friends could ask friends about their romantic past, right? No ulterior motive required. Waiting for Noah to answer, he fiddled with the heater controls. His window was like a sheet of ice—the temperature outside must be plummeting. Pixel basked in the surge of heat from the vent, stretching his back and legs.
“I was engaged back in college,” Noah said, voice almost too low to catch over the heater fan.
“What happened?”
Noah didn’t say anything, just kept his eyes on the road. They were approaching Green River now and traffic was picking up a bit. He was quiet for so long that Adrian almost gave up and reached for the stereo, but he reined in his fingers. He was starting to learn Noah. Noah needed a lot of conversational space, but Adrian liked how Noah thought before he spoke—very measured and deliberate, like each word was important.
“It’s kind of silly,” Noah said at last, same too-quiet voice. Adrian turned the heater down.
“Try me.”
Noah didn’t say anything, but he bit his lip hard. He had nice lips—very pale, but surprisingly wide for his narrow face. Adrian couldn’t help wondering if they would change color after kissing. Not that there was going to be any kissing...
“Tell you what, your little weather station in Space Villager is kind of pathetic really. Let me upgrade you to a science outpost at least?” Adrian kept his voice casual, slightly disinterested even. He knew what level of backer Noah was from their conversation last night, and he also knew what might tempt the taciturn man into dishing.
“In exchange for me telling you my sad little story?”
Adrian grinned, triumph making him bounce in his seat. He had played this right. Noah did want to tell, he just needed a little push. If he truly wanted to drop the matter, he would have seized on the conversation changer.
“Yup. And I’ve seen the mockups of the interior of the science station. The detail on the lab stations and experiments is amazing.”
“I want the LE version. The one with the steampunk vibe with all the copper equipment.”
“You drive a hard bargain. Now, fess up.”
“It’s not really that exciting. Her name was Sarah. We were in the same Christian student organization. We were mainly friends, I guess. But everyone seemed to expect...” Noah sighed, eyes looking distant and weary.
“Hey, I get it. I’m the guy who kept going with his high school boyfriend in large part because our families were so close. I liked escaping to his house when I was home, and my mom absolutely adored him, even more so when he went pre-law. Felt like the one thing I could do that made her happy.”
“Yes.” Noah said the word like a curse.
“So what happened to make you change your mind?”
“This is the stupid part,” Noah said slowly. “And before you say anything, I don’t mean stupid like cheating. Nothing like that.”
“Of course not.” One only had to look at how Noah pampered his dog or talked about his job to see how he was deep and true.
“One day I was at a volunteer campus cleanup with a bunch of guys I knew. And they all started ribbing me about the wedding night and how I must be counting down the days.”
“And you weren’t?” Adrian took a guess.
“Not even a little.” Noah shook his head slightly. He sounded so sad Adrian couldn’t help patting his leg. He’d like to give younger Noah a hug, sit him in front of dozens of “It gets better” ads.
Eyes distant, Noah continued, each of his words heavier than the previous. “I realized in that moment that I wasn’t being fair to Sarah. I wasn’t looking forward to this huge life event she was eagerly anticipating. I was dreading it. More and more each day.”
“So you called it off?” Noah hadn’t removed Adrian’s hand, so he stroked the rough canvas of Noah’s pants, felt the tension in the lean thigh under the cloth.
“I broke her heart.”
“You did the right thing,” Adrian said with conviction.
“Fourteen years later, I can finally agree with you. She’s married now to a great guy. Has a couple of kids. It worked out okay for her.”
“And for you? How did it work out for you?”
“Here’s the store.” Noah flicked the RV’s blinker. His face was stonier than the rocky outcroppings dotting the landscape. No amount of Space Villager bling Adrian could offer would sway that expression. Heck, Adrian would be lucky if Noah didn’t simply leave his ass in Green River. He had a feeling that Noah wasn’t getting him a charger only to be nice—he probably wanted Adrian to check his phone messages to ensure that he actually needed the ride to Denver. For the first time, Adrian almost hoped he had zero messages. He’d unearthed some powerful emotions in the quieter man, and he suspected he’d only heard the first layer of a longer, more complex tale.