Chapter Fourteen
Not surprisingly, the dogs woke them up, tramping over the bed looking for breakfast and a walk. Adrian stretched, back muscles tight from broken dreams and troubled sleep. For the first time since knowing Noah, he wished for coffee.
“Not yet,” Adrian growled at Ulysses.
“Not ready to be awake?” Noah asked.
“That too. But I’ve been thinking—”
“We should probably get these guys out.” Noah was already standing, shoving his feet into his boots. Too soon. Too soon. “You want to get the water on for tea and I’ll take the dogs out?”
“No.” Rolling off the bed, Adrian blocked Noah’s exit from the room. “No. You do not get to do that thing where you pretend everything is normal and fine and like we didn’t both have a freaking transcendental experience last night.”
He knew they were guys. They weren’t supposed to have such emotional sex. What the fuck ever. Adrian had been there. And it hadn’t been just him. Noah had been right there with him, emotions splayed open.
“What do you want me to say, Dre? I need to be on the road in an hour. You want me to say I’m sad? I’m sad. I wish things could be different—”
“They can.” Adrian seized the opening. “I’ve been thinking. My mom’s already talked me into flying back out for Christmas. I might be an uncle again then. And you could drive up, spend the holiday with us. You’re not going back East, right?”
“My book’s due on the twenty-second. No, I’m not going back to my family.”
“So you’ll turn in your book on the twenty-second, drive up on the twenty-third if the weather’s decent, and we can have Christmas together. I know you’re not crazy about big gatherings, but we can mainly hang out here. Maybe you can help me pick out some stuff for the kids—”
“I’m not much of a shopper.” Noah smiled sadly. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he tied his shoelaces.
“Please. I’m not ready for this to be over and I don’t think you are either.”
“I’m still going back to my job in January,” Noah said. “And God willing, I make tenure in the spring. There’s no rosy future here.”
“Give us this month. That’s all. Let me be the best absentee boyfriend you’ll ever have and let us have Christmas together.”
At some point in the night, Adrian had decided to fight for Noah. And if he was honest, the decision had been made days ago—he wasn’t letting Noah go easily. However, the battle for Noah’s heart was going to be won a millimeter at a time. Because he’d discovered that Noah didn’t like fast things—he liked long-steeped tea, slow-cooked meals, handwritten research notes, and slow, earth-melting kisses. If Adrian wanted to liquefy the steel core at the center of Noah, he’d have to do it with patience, not speed. But Adrian was the champ of slow, years-to-master games, and this was one battle he was determined to win.
* * *
Adrian made it sound so simple. Noah fiddled with a dog leash, turning it over in his hands. Even forgetting the epic bad-weather journey they’d had this trip, coming back at Christmas was a danger-riddled proposition.
“You said you were done with long-distance relationships,” he reminded Adrian.
“That was before I went and fell in love with you.” Adrian spread his hands open.
Hell. Noah had been counting on an escape before either of them named the emotions that had blossomed between them. Knowing in his heart that he had fallen for Adrian was hard enough. Knowing Adrian felt the same way? His neck ached, muscles not up to the task of keeping his head upright this morning.
“You’re on the rebound,” Noah said, keeping his tone gentle.
“Which is why I’m asking for this month.” Adrian had a quick answer for everything. “I’m not saying ditch your job and come to LA. I’m saying let’s get to know each other better. Let’s see what we have before we throw it away, and if nothing else, maybe we can be friends.”
Friends? Adrian was seriously going to want to be friends when Noah went back to his closeted existence?
“It wouldn’t be fair to you.” Not when I know I’m going to break both our hearts.
“Think of me as your reward for getting the book done. This doesn’t have to be heavy or serious. I send you little ‘how’s the writing going’ texts and funny pictures of my dog. You tell me what you ate for dinner. We get together and have outrageous Christmas sex—”
“Does it involve elf suits?” Noah’s throat hurt. Even the ridiculous stuff with Adrian had weight to it. Substance.
“See, this is where you need a holiday boyfriend. Someone to show you where the mistletoe goes and to tell you why peppermint lube is a very bad idea.”
“I think I could figure that one out.” The dogs had given up on getting a walk and were curled up together in the middle of the bed. Noah wanted more of this. Wanted to wake up Christmas morning with someone other than Ulysses in his bed. Wanted to go shopping for Adrian’s nephews. And damn him, he wanted those silly little texts Adrian mentioned. He maybe wanted that most of all.
“My family’s gift exchange is epic. I got Evan this year. Trust me, you want to see what I get him.”
God help him, Noah did. He wanted to know what silliness Adrian had planned. Wanted to talk about gifts for the nephews and be in on the joke with Evan’s gift. “I’m almost afraid to ask.”
Adrian sat next to him on the bed, wrapped his arms around him. “You don’t have to be alone, Noah. Not this month.”
No, he’d have the whole rest of his life to be a hundred times more lonely when January hit and he was back in Landview, no more holiday boyfriend. No more little break from the rules of his life.
Adrian kissed his neck, and Noah had a feeling Adrian wasn’t above getting them naked and then renewing his assault when Noah was all blissed out.
More sex.
More Adrian.
More. More. More.
It wasn’t fair to Adrian and a better man would have stood firm, wouldn’t have leaned into the embrace, wouldn’t have nodded.
“If the weather holds. I’ll come if the roads are okay.” He had to hold onto that last little bit of practicality.
“You won’t regret this.” Adrian tumbled him backward on the bed, dislodging the dogs.
I already do. Adrian didn’t understand—Noah was doing this for the regrets. So that when January came and he did the right thing, the responsible thing, the only thing, he would know exactly what he’d given up. And maybe the memories and the regrets would fill a little bit of the empty space where his heart was supposed to be.
* * *
Same old campground. Same old life. Noah pulled into the Sunny Ridge campground a little after dark. Despite heavy post-snow and post-holiday weekend traffic on I-70, he’d made decent time back. He headed straight back to his usual spot. He’d walk up and tell Old Billy he was back—
Wait. There was an ancient Winnebago parked in his spot. And an equally ancient Airstream in the space Adrian and Trent had used. Both looked like long-termers, not the passing-through tourist trade.
Noah pulled around, parked in front of Billy’s cabin.
“What the heck? You gave away my space?” he said as soon as he walked into the store. He’d had a day. A weekend really. He didn’t have the patience for niceties.
“Oh. You’re back?” Billy cracked a grin, showing off his missing incisors. “Didn’t know if you’d be back around after I chased that fairy off. You give him a ride somewhere?”
The way Billy said ride made the hair on Noah’s neck itch. “Not sure it’s any business of yours.”
“Simmer down. I know you ain’t like that. That kid and his boyfriend were such city queers. Even the mountain lions wouldn’t touch their meat.” He cackled again. “That kind is always more trouble than it’s worth.”
Noah swallowed hard. He wasn’t good at this. Adrian would have a dozen retorts. All Noah had was choking shame. No, not shame. That was his default, but behind the usual shame was anger. Anger that made his throat and fists tight.
“All I got are the front spaces. That’s twenty more a night, but I’ll cut you a deal, you being a long-time customer and all, and only do ten extra.”
Noah studied him for long moments, breath coming harder than if he’d biked across Landview with a week’s worth of groceries. He’d been coming here for years, ever since Ulysses was a puppy and Noah needed a dog-friendly place close to the dig sites. He’d come out when he needed solitude at dozens of breaks and holidays. And it wasn’t like he didn’t know Billy was a bigot—he kept the extreme right-wing radio on in the shop and made off-color jokes even as he took people’s cash.
When he got back to campus, Noah would have to endure more subtle but no-less-pointed gay jokes. It didn’t matter what the Federal courts said—rural Northwest Texas wasn’t going to be rolling out the rainbow carpet anytime soon. He needed to hand Billy his debit card and get Ulysses some exercise and stop obsessing over this. His hand tightened around his wallet.
What would Adrian do? Adrian might suffer a homophobe for a night, if he didn’t have a choice, but this was Adrian Billy was talking about. Adrian, who didn’t compromise for his mother—despite clearly loving his family a great deal, Adrian still insisted on being himself. Adrian wouldn’t listen to Billy spew his hatred and then pay for a month. At a higher rate.
And this was Adrian they were talking about. Adrian would never let someone talk about you this way. Ever. Noah put his wallet back in his pocket. “Never mind. I think I’ll be going elsewhere.”
“Fine, fine. You can have the space at the same rate. Not my fault you went chasin’ after Mr. Light in the Boots, but I’m not gonna turn down your business.”
“No, I’m turning down yours.” Noah’s voice shook and he had to walk quickly out of there. He hated conflict. But putting Billy in his place made his shoulders roll back, made his chin lift.
Maybe when he got back to Landview, he wouldn’t have a choice but to take homophobia, but right now, he could do this small thing. For Adrian, but also for him. You deserve better. He pulled up his campground app and for the first time ever, he noticed the little rainbow icon near the pet friendly one. His finger hovered. Being out was never, ever happening for him, but he could do this. He could be honest with himself. He clicked, then turned to Ulysses.
“How do you feel about going a bit closer to Moab, boy?”
* * *
Two hours later, Noah’s phone buzzed.
You make it back safe? Naked in bed yet? The text message was punctuated with a series of animations that Noah hadn’t been aware his phone could interpret.
Yes, I’m back in Utah, but what kind of question is that? he texted back. His nerves still jangled from his encounter with Billy. He was nowhere near sleep. He stretched in the dinette booth, jostling his notes.
What? Too soon for sext?
Noah wasn’t sure he knew precisely what that was other than that it was banned at Landview. No lewd or lascivious text messages or electronic messages. Less than twelve hours into his long-distance whatever-this-was with Adrian, and Noah had a feeling he’d be spending all month grateful he’d given Adrian his non-college-based mail account. At least his phone was his own, not school issue. Slippery slope here.
He stared at the phone. Texting made him feel old and clunky. Besides what good was a holiday boyfriend if he couldn’t hear his voice? He hit dial.
“Miss me? Or going to gripe at me for the sext joke?” Adrian’s voice was like a warm waffle, straight from the iron, ready to melt all of Noah’s reserves.
“I’m pretty sure I’m too old for whatever that is. And aren’t you at your mom’s house?” Out the window, he could see a few RV sites had strung up Christmas lights. Usually the sight would make his teeth hurt, but having Adrian to talk to made things seem cozy.
“You are definitely not too old for sext. It’s one of the few perks of a long-distance boyfriend.”
“I can think of a few others.” Like this. This alone was a balm to Noah’s companionship-starved soul. Ulysses shifted around on the couch in front of the dinette. The dog was wonderful, and he kept Noah sane, but he wasn’t the same as Adrian’s rich laugh.
“Pixel misses you guys already.” There was a shuffling sound, like Adrian was stretching his long legs out. “He’s totally over Mom’s place and so not into the kennel I had to get him for the plane flight.”
“How much longer are you at your mom’s?”
“Tomorrow morning. I’ve got a 6:00 a.m. flight to LA. I’m due back at work on Tuesday, but I’ll probably do a little from home and on the plane.”
“Big deadline coming up?”
“Yeah. We want the rover-racing module out with the beta testers for Christmas. Our prezzie to the backers. So from now until the twenty-fourth, my ass belongs to Christopher Exploration Industries.”
“More long weeks?”
“Yeah. I’ve already called and booked doggie daycare for Pixel two days a week so he gets some time out of the house. He can come with me some too. But this next month is going to suck, workwise.”
“I hope the month doesn’t suck too badly.” Bantering like this was easier with miles of road between them. Noah could stare off into space, wait for the right response to strike him.
“This is why you’re the perfect distraction. Having Christmas to look forward to is my present.”
“I don’t know. I might take the racing module,” Noah said lightly, but his skin heated. All day he’d been thinking about what Adrian could do for him. Guilt had dogged him because it seemed like Adrian was doing him a favor or feeling sorry for his lonely existence.
He’d forgotten that he might have something to offer Adrian as well. Was it possible that Adrian needed him as much as he needed Adrian? Adrian worked with far more people, but maybe part of him was equally lonely.
“You can have the racing module. Check your email later, actually—I sent you full beta access. I upgraded your profile to a Founder.”
“You can do that?” Founders were the thousand-dollar-plus backers who got special perks and got to vote on things. “Hey, I didn’t even give you my user ID!”
“Nope. I’m smart that way.” Adrian laughed. “And don’t feel too guilty—I upgraded both of my nephews to Explorers. I was busy while you were driving. Was it a bad drive?”
“No. Not terrible.” Noah really didn’t want to talk about this.
“You get your favorite spot back?”
“Umm...” Noah looked around the small space, but it held no answers. “Actually, Ulysses and I decided to try a new place. Closer to Moab so we can have some nice granola and organic groceries.”
“Noah. What happened?” Of course, Adrian saw straight through his joking. Even though they hadn’t been around each other that much, Adrian seemed to see all of his little quirks—and not just notice them, but also understand them. Adrian knew Noah wasn’t the type to try somewhere new on a whim. Heck, Noah was still plenty surprised at himself.
“Old Billy gave my favorite spot away and all that were left were these spaces up front and I got to thinking—”
“Noah. You’re rambling. You never ramble. What really happened?” More shuffling noises, like Adrian was sitting up now. Noah could picture him running a hand through his messy hair. “Billy said something to you, didn’t he? Something about me?”
“He’s a bigot.” Noah sighed. “And I didn’t do it for you. I did it for me. Because he doesn’t deserve my money.”
“No, no he doesn’t. I’m proud of you,” Adrian said quietly. The praise washed over him, making the hassle seem worth it. He hadn’t had someone to make proud in a very long time, and unlike his temperamental father or reserved mother, Adrian was ridiculously easy to please.
“So tell me all about the new place? They have a hot tub? I stayed with my dad and stepmother at this place outside of Bryce with a hot tub.” And then they were off, an hour lost to easy conversation about the best RV parks in the West and Ulysses’s efforts to be less antisocial and befriend the poodle of two elderly librarian ladies on their way to Arizona.
“I better let you get some sleep,” Noah said reluctantly. “Don’t you have to be up at four?
“Three-fifteen. Don’t remind me.” Adrian groaned. “I’m not ready for vacation to be done. Totally not ready for all the shit waiting for me at the office. I’ve got thirty-five unanswered emails in the two hours we’ve been on the phone. And this is a Sunday night.”
“Tell you what—you tackle half of those and I’ll push through another half a Chapter before sleep?”
“Oh you kill me with the sexy, Noah, you really do.” Adrian laughed.
“Sorry. I’ll try to up my game.” Noah kicked at the empty seat that should be holding the smiling man he already missed far more than he should.
“You do that. And yeah, I’ll check my email. I never know when one might be something fun like light sabers for the whole office again.”
Noah reached for his abandoned laptop, clicked to the browser. He’d forgotten about the Space Villager web features Adrian had mentioned. The mini “episodes” were styled a bit like a reality show with interviews with the various programmers, and each episode centered around a different dilemma. Noah’s inner geek loved Space Villager’s commitment to transparency and to producing bonus content like this for the crowd-funding backers. “On second thought, I think I’m going to get caught up on a few Code Review episodes before I sleep.”
“That will put you to sleep. Write first. And no making fun of my desk or my shirt collection.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it.”
No, but he’d dream of Adrian.