Chapter Sixteen
Adrian’s mother had scoffed when he’d mentioned maybe getting a rental car for his trip. “Really, darling. Evan can give you a ride to your...friend. Or you can borrow my car if you need to drive so badly. I doubt I’ll go out much.”
“I can have the Mercedes while I’m in town?” Growing up, no one was allowed to touch his mother’s car, and now she’d upgraded to a luxury SUV. And yeah, he was still bitter about getting the car that Rachel and Emily had driven into the ground. First-world problems and all that, but some young part of him had leaped at the chance to have his mom’s sweet ride and save some cash.
And that had been a huge mistake because here he was getting dropped off at the RV park like some fifteen-year-old. And he was going to smell like Chanel all darn evening from being cooped up with her and her heater cranked to blast. All because his mother had “forgotten” a holiday party a colleague was throwing. She drummed a well-manicured finger against the steering wheel as he collected the dog and his backpack. He hadn’t even gotten to drive over here. He supposed he should feel good she didn’t make him ride in the back seat with Pixel.
“Took your friend long enough to get here,” she said, glancing at her silver watch.
“Traffic was terrible. He’s lucky he missed yesterday’s snow.” Adrian was impatient too, but he wasn’t going to show that to his mother.
“And you could have left the dog at the condo.” She shook her head, a fresh wave of perfume heading his direction.
“No, I couldn’t have. Sheeba thinks he’s a squirrel and is just waiting to hunt him for dinner.” Sheeba was his mother’s ill-behaved long-haired cat.
“Oh, Adrian.” His mother gave a long-suffering sigh. “We’ll see you both for Christmas Eve supper tomorrow right?”
“Right.” He gave her a kiss on the cheek. “See you later.”
“Adrian. Be safe?” She called as he walked away. Yup. Totally still fifteen. He was lucky she hadn’t left condoms on his bed when he was packing stuff up that afternoon.
“Always am.” He blew her a kiss. It wasn’t physical risk she should be worried about. Adrian was more worried about his heart. In the past month, he’d fallen deeper into love with Noah, which was dangerous, foolhardy stuff. Especially when Noah had been dodging his hints about making plans for the spring. Meena and Rex kept giving him knowing looks at work, and Meena was all on about how he was bending over backward for someone who didn’t deserve—
Noah opened the door and Adrian forgot everything other than how much he’d missed this man.
“You’re here,” they said at the same moment. They stood there, eating each other up with their eyes for long moments. The door banged shut behind them, Pixel and Ulysses barked a happy greeting to each other, and they still stayed suspended in a weird emotional haze.
“I missed—” They spoke in unison again and broke off laughing, which broke the spell holding them in place. He pulled Noah to him, intending only a hug, but Noah latched onto his lips, kissing him with a desperation that stole all Adrian’s air. His hands tangled in Noah’s hair, dragging him closer. Noah sucked on Adrian’s lips and tongue, a month of longing coming across in his every motion.
Adrian totally dug this more aggressive Noah, and he met him kiss for kiss, frantic caress for frantic caress.
“Need...” Noah whispered in his ear.
“Yeah.” Adrian was on board with whatever Noah needed. He could have anything at all. Noah’s hands were sure on Adrian’s fly, no hesitation there as he drew out Adrian’s cock, and he dropped to his knees before Adrian registered his intent.
This was new. For all they’d done at Thanksgiving, they hadn’t done this, but Noah seemed determined to make up for lost time now.
“I’ve been thinking about this for weeks,” he said, looking up at Adrian. “It’s been driving me nuts that I don’t know what you taste like.”
“Uh.” Adrian made a vague noise of agreement before his head clunked back against a cabinet. His jeans fell around his knees and hell if he cared.
Noah didn’t play around, didn’t mimic what Adrian always did with lots of licking and teasing. No, he simply went for it, gulping Adrian’s cock down like he was starving for it. And holy hell, that was the biggest fucking turn-on ever.
“Slow down. Don’t wanna come,” Adrian panted. He hadn’t shot in under twenty seconds since he was a horny teenager, but Noah had him perilously close to the edge.
Noah responded with a long, slow suck that seemed to take part of Adrian’s spine with it. He looked down at Noah, stroked his hollowed cheeks.
“You’re so fucking sexy,” Adrian murmured. “And you love this, don’t you?”
Noah broke away for a second, nuzzling Adrian’s balls. “Didn’t think I would. But I kept fantasizing...Sucked on my own fingers the other night. Wasn’t the same. I like how you taste.” He sounded slightly amazed at the revelation.
“No objection here.” Adrian grinned down at him. “Whatever feels good to you. And you don’t have—” Whatever he’d been about to offer was lost in a rush of pleasure as Noah sucked him in again.
Noah worked his tongue in tandem with the blissful suction like a pro. Day-um. Adrian wasn’t going to last with this sort of assault. Noah’s hands on his hips. Noah’s hot, wet, eager mouth. Noah’s beard bristling on his thighs.
“Gonna...” Buzz. Buzz. His phone buzzed against his knee. “Fuck it.” He kicked his pants across the room. Buzz. Buzz.
“You want...” Noah broke away, face flushed, lips swollen.
“Yeah. I want.” Fuck the phone. He pulled Noah back toward him, the sort of rough handling he hated when it happened to him, but Noah groaned lustily and lapped at Adrian’s slit before swallowing him down again.
“Right there, baby. Not gonna last.” He gave Noah the briefest of warnings before his thighs clenched, balls lifting, eyes slamming shut with the force of his orgasm. He felt Noah swallowing around him, and that was enough to coax out a few more spasms.
He collapsed to the ground, dragging Noah with him into a heap.
Buzz. Buzz. His phone went nuts again, but he ignored it, pulling Noah into his lap.
“Hi.” He smiled dopily at Noah. “That was some greeting.”
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to jump you—”
“Don’t apologize.” Adrian stole a kiss. He kind of liked making out after a guy went down on him, liked the reminder of what had just been given to him, but he went slow in case Noah was squicked out by it. Noah met him eagerly enough though, and his hard dick pressed insistently into Adrian’s stomach.
“Mmm. And what would you like?” Adrian asked.
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Jesus Christ. Couldn’t his phone give him twenty minutes? If there was a problem with the rover racer launch, he did not want to hear it, but Noah, ever the conscientious dude was dragging Adrian’s pants over.
“You’ve got missed calls from your mom, Rachel, and three from Emily,” Noah announced handing the phone over. “Think you ought to check in?”
“Fuck.” This was worse than work because he couldn’t ignore his family even though he really wanted to push Noah down on the carpet and give him a greeting worthy of that amazing hello he’d given Adrian.
“Just call them.” Noah smiled indulgently. “I’ve waited a month. I can wait another ten minutes.”
Pixel climbed up on Adrian’s shoulder and Ulysses nudged his knee. Fine. Mood officially fucking broken.
Buzz. He didn’t have to even dial before his phone was ringing again. Deron. Oh hell. The baby. Cold dread filled Adrian as he answered.
“Is Emily okay?” he asked, guilt flooding him. What if he’d been getting blown and ignoring something terrible?
“She’s fine.” Deron’s strung out tone belied his words. “So good, man. Your sister is a rock star.” His voice broke and there was a rustling sound.
“Don’t go crying again, Big D.” His sister came on the line. She sounded tired. And slightly high. “Addie?”
“Yeah, sweetie?” He pulled up his pants.
“Addie, the baby’s here. It was all so fast! We almost had a car birth.”
“Oh thank God. And he’s healthy? Everything went okay?”
“She. It’s a girl, Addie. You have a niece!” True to her personality, Emily had gone for the big drama of not learning the sex of the baby until delivery.
“Oh wow.” His first niece. A warm glow spread down his neck, into his chest.
“And I really need you to come meet her.”
“I will.” He grabbed for his shoes. “Tonight? Or you need to sleep?”
“Tonight. I...we...we’ve got a surprise for you.”
“For me?”
There was a sniffling sound. “Addie, we named her Noelle Adrienne, and you better come meet her so I can stop weeping, okay?”
“Okay,” Adrian said dumbly. “You named her after me?”
“You’re the reason D and I ever got together, Addie. We owe you everything.” More sniffling. “Say you’ll come?”
“I’m on my way,” he promised, throat thick.
“I’m so sorry,” he said to Noah as he hung up. “But I need—”
“Already on it.” Noah was rushing around, getting stuff ready for the road. “You’re an uncle again? And they named her after you? Of course you’ve got to go.”
No pouting? No complaining? Their evening was upended, but Noah damn near whistled as he brought in the bump-outs and got the seats in position for the road. He really was the perfect guy for him.
* * *
Finding parking for a motor home was never easy, but the hospital was particularly tricky. Noah ended up having to settle for the roof of a parking garage, taking up multiple spots and hoping he didn’t get ticketed. They had a long, cold walk to the hospital, but Adrian practically ran all the way to the maternity ward, leaving Noah struggling to keep up.
He’d offered to stay in the RV but Adrian had looked at him with big eyes. “You don’t want to meet my namesake?” he’d asked. “My namesake. What were they thinking?”
“They were thinking they love you a lot.” Noah’s nose itched, and he had to scrub at the bridge of it.
And so he found himself trailing behind as Adrian pushed into a crowded room full of people Noah vaguely recognized from the wedding, but Adrian had eyes only for the tired-looking Emily holding court on a large hospital bed, cradling a teeny-tiny pink bundle.
Noah’s chest felt tight. He remembered the middle-of-the-night dash to the hospital when Ruth had his first nephew. He’d been home on spring break, hoping he’d get lucky to catch the arrival of the baby, and on his final day home, he had. Watching Adrian kiss his sister, Noah had to clench his fists around the tide of emotions. His hand bumped against his phone.
No one was paying him a bit of attention, so he took his phone out, dashed off a quick text. Thinking of you and the kids. Have a good Christmas Eve tomorrow. Kiss the kids for me. She deserved so much more, but even that effort had his hands shaking. Why did family have to be so complicated?
“You want to hold her, Addie?” Emily asked, and a chair was shoved forward and a half-dozen camera phones readied to capture the moment, Noah’s included. Adrian sat in the chair, and Deron transferred the tiny bundle from Emily to Adrian as if he had a million-dollar piece of crystal in his big hands. The room must have been exceptionally dusty because Noah’s nose started itching again, eyes suspiciously moist.
A tiny fist poked out of the blanket, grabbed onto the finger Adrian held out, and something sharp poked Noah, right in the gut. Adrian’s whole face filled with wonder.
“She’s beautiful,” he said on a huff of air.
“She looks like you did,” Adrian’s mother said. “Look at that little mouth. She looks more like Adrian than Emily.” The whole room laughed but something inside Noah hurt.
“Hey now,” Deron said, hovering over Adrian. “She’s got my hair at least.”
Everyone laughed at that, as the baby’s thick head of black curly hair was way more than what sprouted from her father’s bald dome.
“She’s got your nose,” Adrian offered, stroking the tiny head.
The baby made a small cooing noise and the room let out a collective aww.
“I think she likes you, Uncle Addie,” Emily said.
“Of course she does.” Adrian’s mother dabbed at her eyes with an embroidered handkerchief. “Adrian’s always been good with kids.”
Adrian didn’t even look up from the baby, just continued to make funny faces at her. She was his whole world in that instant. Noah could see everything clearly—the life Adrian wanted. The life he deserved. The life his family wanted for him. Adrian’s family might give him a hard time, but there was so much love in the room, Noah felt almost smothered by all the feelings. This was a group that loved intensely.
“You like kids?” Emily asked, and it took Noah a second to realize she was talking to him.
“Uh...” He had no idea how to answer the fifty-ton boulder of a question.
“He was great with the boys,” Rachel said from her perch in the window seat. “They can’t wait to see you tomorrow night.”
“That’s...great.” Noah was having a hard time forming a thought, let alone words.
“You know, Addie, I loved being pregnant. Loved. If you ever wanted...” Emily trailed off, yawning.
“Em, you’re still high on the good drugs.” Adrian tucked the baby back in beside Emily. He kissed her head, but not before Noah saw the flash of longing on his face. Noah knew that feeling—his insides had twisted up into a Gordian knot of wants when he’d held his nephew, but unlike Adrian, he’d had to bury those feelings, shove them beneath the limestone layers of his heart. Adrian had a sister who was practically offering to have a baby for him, an extended family who would welcome whatever non-traditional family Adrian wanted to show up with. Noah had...nothing. Nothing at all to offer Adrian.
“Do you want a turn?” Emily asked, looking right at Noah.
He shook his head. He might shatter into a hundred shards of quartz if he held that precious bundle. And the last thing he needed was to give Adrian’s romantic soul any more fodder for an impossible future.
“Leave the poor guy alone,” Evan said, wrapping an arm around Rachel. “You ladies are trying to give everyone baby fever.”
“What’s the matter, Evan? Can’t handle a fourth?” Adrian teased as he crossed the room back over to Noah.
“No!” Evan looked sternly at his wife. “No more babies here. We’ll just all enjoy this one.”
Rachel coughed, something that sounded a lot like “We’ll see.”
“Better get you out of here before baby dust gets you.” Evan laughed, herding Rachel out of the window seat. “And Emily needs her rest.”
Neither Adrian’s mother nor Deron’s parents looked in any hurry to leave the room, but Rachel murmured her assent. She stopped in front of him and Adrian.
“Poor Noah. Have we completely scared you off?”
Yes. So much yes. He shook his head.
“Congrats on the new addition,” he said, more to the room at large. He could still force some politeness out, even though he sounded a bit like a wooden news anchor reading cue cards.
“You guys want to get some food?” Rachel asked.
“Should we leave the boys with your friend so long?” Evan said, saving Noah the trouble of coming up with an excuse. He was nice enough, but Noah could tell he got a bit tired of being the family’s de facto older brother, and he really didn’t seem to know what to do with Adrian’s irrepressible energy.
“They’re probably dying to see pictures of the baby,” Adrian said. “We’ll see you at the Christmas Eve supper.”
“With any luck, Emily’s going to get released late in the day tomorrow. We’ll make her a place on the couch so she can rest, but the whole family can be together. Won’t it be wonderful?” Rachel hugged Adrian so hard that Noah missed his muffled reply.
Wonderful. Family. Together. The words pounded in Noah’s head as they made their way, much slower now, back to the parking garage.
“Wasn’t she amazing?” Adrian asked, his breath white puffs in the crisp night air.
Noah didn’t know if he meant the baby or his sister, but he nodded anyway. “Yes.”
“Do you...” Adrian trailed off, but Noah’s back muscles tightened. He knew what was coming.
“Think the dogs are going to need a quick walk?” Noah’s voice had an unsteady quaver to it. Crap.
“Yeah, probably,” Adrian said distractedly. “Noah? You ever think about kids?” The softness in his voice hit Noah like a fist to his solar plexus.
“No.” Noah kept his voice firm this time.
“Never?” Adrian’s voice had a plaintive note. Dear God, Adrian was killing him syllable by syllable.
“I’m a closeted gay man at one of the most conservative universities in the whole US, in one the country’s reddest counties—”
“But maybe you won’t always be.” Ah. There it was. The hope he’d heard in Adrian’s voice on the phone.
Noah stopped by a beat-up Bronco near the Level 3C sign. He planted his feet, unable to go another step with this charade. He’d fallen hopelessly in love with the man whose heart he was about to break, and he’d been telling himself it was harmless to keep things going through the holidays. Call it friendship. Call it a fling. Call it a holiday boyfriend. Whatever it was, it’d cut Noah to the bone, eviscerated every last lonely inch of his soul. Made him greedy and unforgivably cruel to someone who deserved so much more.
He needed to stop pretending. Now. Tonight.
“I got the book turned in,” he said.
“I know...You texted me, remember?” Adrian’s forehead crinkled.
“My department chair’s already taken a look at it. He says the tenure committee meeting’s only a formality at this point.”
“Oh.” With that little word, all the light fled from Adrian’s face. “Congrats. I guess you’re relieved?”
Relieved? He was so many things, but relieved was absolutely not one of them. “I’ve worked since I was eighteen for this.”
“Yes, but are you sure you still want this job?” Adrian asked. “You don’t have to accept it. Or accept it, but take another job somewhere else as fast as you can. You look like a guy being carted off to the hospice ward, not someone who just got amazing professional news. You have options.”
Oh, Adrian. So full of hope and good ideas. Noah raked his lips hard with his teeth, pulling at the chapped skin. He tasted the metallic tang of blood, but didn’t care. “It’s everything I’ve ever wanted. I’ll be able to—”
“Bullshit.” Adrian kicked a tire. “It’s everything you’ll let yourself want. But you want more. I know it. And you could have it—”
“How?” He leaned against a concrete pylon, eyes squished shut.
“There’s nothing that says you can’t have your tenure and something more. Someone more. And sure, maybe it would be long distance and kinda down-low, but you wouldn’t be locking yourself away for the next forty years.”
“It would be lying. And it would kill me to have a secret like that. Being afraid of discovery every day. I decided a long time ago, I wasn’t ever going to live like that.”
“And nothing’s changed? Nothing?” Adrian paced in front of him, face a mask of pain. Noah quickly shut his eyes again.
“You deserve more.”
“You’re damn right I do.”
Well now. He hadn’t expected Adrian to be quite so emphatic.
Adrian didn’t wait for Noah to reply before charging ahead. “We both do. And you are choosing to not let yourself have any of it. Maybe you’ve studied rocks so long, you’re turning into one. Noah, how can you not feel?”
“I feel.” His voice was a bare croak, but it seemed to echo across the cavernous space.
“Prove it.”
“I love you.” There. It was out, the awful emotion threatening to choke off the rest of his air. Not feel? He felt everything.
“I love you too.” Of course he did. Adrian was the one who had been brave enough to name it, the one who ended every phone call with “Love you!” Adrian was brave enough to fight for it, right here in this freezing parking garage.
“I’ve known you a month. I love you and what am I supposed to do with that? Rearrange my whole life? How do I reconcile loving you with what I’ve always chosen?” Noah was bleeding out on the pavement, a river of feelings, not stone at all, despite his best efforts.
“You start by choosing something different. If you love me, don’t do this. Don’t push me away.” Adrian grabbed Noah’s hand.
Noah swallowed hard. He hadn’t quite realized until that instant that he was shoving Adrian away. All he knew was that Adrian deserved his truth, that he couldn’t keep pretending there would be a spring—or anything else—for them. This was an argument. A fight. Look at him, instigating a breakup scene in a public place, with raised voices and angry words. His head swam.
“You’re trying to make me be the one to say the words, aren’t you?” Adrian shook his head, disgust rolling off him in waves. He dropped Noah’s hand. “Congratulations. It worked.”