Chapter Fifteen
“Hey, Adrian, I have some packages you need to open before we tape.” Rex carried a stack of boxes into the big open cube Adrian shared with four other designers. Rex was not his favorite coworker—he had a tendency to mouth breathe up in Adrian’s space and pepper him with stupid questions with a camera in his face.
“In a sec. Let me queue up the screen shots we’re going to need.” What he really wanted was the chance to glance at his phone. He subtly palmed it, opening the messaging screen. He’d introduced Noah to Skype last week, and now they both kept a window open all day—typing random thoughts and observations to each other. At the moment they were discussing the worst sci-fi movies of all time. Assuming Adrian could get out of the office by nine, they had a ten o’clock movie date. A number of times in the past week they’d picked a cult sci-fi movie to fall asleep with and turned on chat or the phone and hung out watching the movie together. Sometimes they even made the same snack. They were ridiculously cheesy, and Adrian loved it.
Can you stream Paycheck? Noah asked in chat.
Yeah, Ben Affleck is hot. Rest of the movie is a total mess though. Adrian typed a quick reply.
I look forward to hearing you eviscerate the production. Want another hour of work sprint? Only Noah could make eviscerate and work sound vaguely sexy. They had started doing a thing where they raced to see who could get the most done in an hour before they chatted more.
Can’t. About to tape a Code Review. Rex is here to make my life hell for the next hour or so. Wanna take bets how many takes he’s going to make me do just to zoom in on the error with the Rover’s wheels?
“Adrian! You have to see this!” Rex had the box open and Meena had left her cube to come investigate too. Pixel poked his head out of the knitted Death Star dog bed that Meena had made him.
“Come here baby, someone sent Daddy fan mail.” Meena’s voice had her usual East Indian lilt to it as she held a handout to the dog. “You wanna be on camera, right?”
“You know that’s the only reason Rob lets me have him at the office. The backers love him.” Adrian scooped up Pixel.
“Let’s roll tape.” Rex pointed his infernal camera at Adrian. “Show us what’s in the box.”
Adrian peered into the already open box, then burst out laughing. “It’s a case of Mocha Max energy drinks.” The exact same brand he’d bought in Green River with Noah. His grin felt wide enough to span the miles between them.
“Oooh, there’s cookies too,” Meena said. “Gluten-free chocolate-chip? Someone really does know you.”
Adrian plucked up the packing slip. “Let’s see. We’ll be thanking N—Alex Rogan.” Oh, Noah was good, using the name of the main character in Last Starfighter. And he thinks I’m the romantic one.
“And he included a gift message.” Rex leaned over his shoulder. “Enjoy a snack on me. P.S. The rock slide you showed on Episode 19 wasn’t geologically possible.”
“Oh man, one of those,” Meena groaned, then looked over at Adrian. “Why are you smiling so hard? Adrian.”
Adrian shook his head, not wanting her to tease him on tape.
“Cut for a second, Rex.” Meena held up a hand.
“What? This is great footage.” Rex groaned but lowered the camera. “You do have a shit-eating grin, Adrian. Tell me you’re not back together with that idiot who abandoned you.”
Of course, his whole office knew the truth of his Thanksgiving escapades because he couldn’t lie for shit and also the steady stream of Trent presents had dried up. But he hadn’t mentioned Noah yet. That felt too private. Too special to bring out into the open right now.
“I’m not back with Trent.”
“Adrian. You’re with someone new, aren’t you?” Meena leaned in, meeting his gaze with shrewd eyes. “Another long-distance guy?”
“What’s wrong with that?” Adrian stroked Pixel’s back. He was wearing the red coat Noah had bought him.
Meena shook her head. “One of these days, you’re going to figure out why you always have out-of-town boyfriends.”
Rex snorted. “Maybe he just can’t pull the locals.”
“That would be you,” Adrian said lightly. “Maybe it’s just the way things work out for me. Coincidence.”
“No.” Meena shook her head sadly. “When are you going to realize you’re worth more, Adrian?”
Noah had said something similar once upon a time, but Meena’s words cut deeper, a fresher wound. Hell. This was not the sort of buzzkill his day needed. He grabbed a drink, even though it wasn’t chilled like he preferred.
“Let’s do this thing. Get it out of the way.” He gave both his coworkers a stony look he hoped would stop further ribbing.
* * *
Three hours later, Adrian let himself into the apartment he seldom saw. His phone buzzed as he set Pixel’s travel bag down and let him out. Noah. His stomach didn’t leap as much as it had earlier, and a tendril of guilt niggled at his neck. He’d kind of blown Noah off the past few hours to work. What were they really doing here? Maybe the holiday boyfriend thing was just a way to ensure they were both bloody by the end of the month.
He hit Talk. “Hey.”
“We still on for the movie?” Noah sounded tentative. “I blew through four chapters today. Can’t believe I did that much. I blame you.”
“Yeah?” Adrian’s tired muscles perked up, like a fuzzy drawing coming into full resolution. This was why he put up with distance. The happy buzz that shot through him at the sound of Noah’s voice. The warm sensation at knowing he was helping Noah, even in some small way.
“The sprints help. Did you get a lot done? Get your episode filmed?”
“Yeah. You’ll want to watch this one.” He smiled. It wasn’t Noah’s fault he’d been in a funk the past few hours. “Funny thing. We got a strange package today, from this cranky guy who wanted to complain about how we’re handling the rocks.”
“That so?” He could hear Noah’s smile in his warm tone. “Maybe you have a secret admirer.”
“I must be a pretty lucky guy. This secret admirer knows my allergies and everything.”
“Maybe he felt bad that you can never eat all the stuff that comes into the office,” Noah said. There was a clanking sound, like a spoon hitting a pot.
“Are you just now eating too?” Adrian asked as he pulled out a gluten-free TV dinner to nuke.
“Yeah. Drove into Moab for groceries yesterday. I’m trying a new slow-cooker recipe tonight—I got some gluten-free baking mix. I wanted to see if I could do my chicken and dumplings recipe gluten-free.”
And just like that, Adrian’s frustration with the status quo melted away. Noah was planning on them being in the same state again. He was even testing recipes.
“How’d it turn out?”
“I’m going to need a few more tries before Christmas.” Noah chuckled. “But it’s edible. Shall we take our food and start the movie?”
“Yes, Alex, we shall. Will your next package be from Korban Dallas?”
“I don’t know. What makes you think you’re worth more treats?” Noah laughed lightly. Phone Noah was way more flirty than in-person Noah, and Adrian liked this teasing side of him.
“Because I’ve been very, very good lately,” Adrian dropped his voice to a husky whisper. “And if you can stay awake for the movie, I’ll be good again.”
He’d talked Noah into phone sex twice so far, which mainly consisted of Adrian narrating and Noah making choked whimpers, which was sexy as fuck. Sure, he’d rather cuddle up with Noah’s body right now, watch the movie tangled together, have a long, slow rub-off together before sleep. But this was worth something too. Noah cared about Adrian’s day, listened to his stories, created little shared rituals together. And he didn’t know why Meena and Rex had to act like there was something lacking in him that he was willing to put up with this separation. And he had no doubt the reunion sex would be more than worth it. The holiday with Noah would be better than the holiday without him, and Adrian had to trust in that.
* * *
“Show me more,” Noah said into the computer with a laugh. Three weeks ago he hadn’t even known that his laptop had a camera, let alone a microphone. Right now, Adrian was taking him on a tour of his small apartment. Noah reclined on his bed, content to go along with Adrian’s latest idea of fun.
“So that’s the kitchen.”
“Pristine. You ever even use that stove?” Noah said, fighting off vertigo from the bouncing image. It was worth a little dizziness to hear Adrian laugh.
“I think I heated up some noodles a couple of months ago.” Adrian bent, the image jumping again, and Pixel appeared on screen.
Woof! Woof! Ulysses shoved his way onto Noah’s bed, pushing his head next to Noah.
“Hey! I think they recognize each other!” Adrian laughed. “Pixel is not looking forward to flying again, but it’ll be cool to see if they recognize each other.”
“You decided to bring him?” Noah asked. Adrian had been going back and forth about whether to board Pixel or bring him along.
“Yeah. I decided he’s kind of my security blanket. When the rest of the family gets insane, I can always retreat with him, you know? ‘Excuse me. Dog needs a walk.’ It’s like a socially acceptable need for a smoke.”
“I hear that. I’ve used Ulysses as an excuse more than a couple of times.”
“Doggie superpowers unite!” Adrian made Pixel wave at the camera, and Noah had to laugh. “Relative repellant activate!”
“Maybe the weather will hold and we can take them to a dog park together.” It still felt weird, making plans for the holiday.
“Yeah—there’s a couple of indoor play places for dogs too. I know Ulysses isn’t the most fond of running with a pack, but he might find the obstacle courses fun.” Adrian had no such problem making plans and speculating about things they could do. He’d already brainstormed weeks’ worth of activities to try to cram into the couple of days they’d have together.
“This is Pixel’s toy box and bed.” Adrian panned to a corner of the living room to show off a cat house and a big bucket of toys.
“Nice,” Noah said and meant it. He stretched his legs out in front of him on his bed, muscles warm and languid from the pleasure of talking with Adrian. He’d spent so many years repressing any sexual urges and telling himself that since he wasn’t desperate for sex that he was fine alone. But what he hadn’t realized was how starved he was for companionship.
Sure, the occasional round of phone sex was nice, but what Noah really craved were these silly little conversations. He’d discovered a bottomless hunger for affection—sending Adrian surprise packages, coming up with goofy messages to prop in front of Ulysses, dissecting movies together late at night when he could practically feel Adrian curled against him. He had no clue how he was going to give this up and go back to his monastic diet of faculty meetings and lonely dinners with Ulysses and no Skype open next to him.
“And...” Adrian walked down the hall. “This is my bathroom. This is what I really wanted to show you.”
“You wanted to show me your bathroom?” Noah couldn’t keep the surprise out of his voice.
“Yup. See right over there?” Adrian swiveled so that Noah was looking at a large walk-in shower. “That’s why I picked this place. Tiny living room and kitchen, but this bathroom is totally worthy of a shower porno—shower is huge. And has two heads.”
“Two, huh?”
“I keep daydreaming about having you in here. Your motor home is nice and all, but your bathroom is never, ever going to see any action.”
“True.” That was true for so much of Noah’s life, he didn’t even register the lack of shower sex as a thing until Adrian mentioned it.
“But think about the fun we could have in here. Me. You. Some soap...”
“Condoms? Can those work in the shower?” Noah’s imagination caught up to Adrian’s, but his practical side won out.
“Oh yeah. I’ve even got lube that works well in water, but...” Adrian trailed off.
“What?”
“I got tested the other day. Just felt like a good idea, you know? It had been over six months since I’d been with anyone prior to you, but I figured you might like knowing I was clean at Christmas.” Adrian put heavy emphasis on the last few words. Yet another clue that Adrian was taking this holiday fling far more seriously than he should. Noah needed to put a stop to this. Needed to rein in both of them, needed a way to stem the heat licking its way up his back. Yes, he liked knowing Adrian had gotten tested. More than liked the idea of Adrian inside him, nothing but skin. The thought of Adrian shooting deep inside him made his pants tight. But behind the arousal, his pulse clattered and his foot twitched. I’m going to hurt him.
“I’m good with condoms,” Noah said, fumbling because he wasn’t sure how else to tell Adrian to slow down.
“Oh. Okay.” Adrian’s voice was small and Noah slapped his pillow out of view of his camera. He was trying to keep Adrian from getting hurt, not inflict new pain.
On Adrian’s end, the camera blurred as he moved and then they were in a bedroom, looking at a huge computer setup opposite the edge of a bed. “So this where a lot of the magic happens.” His voice was forced, too cheerful.
“Dre. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean...” Noah needed his happy Adrian back.
“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” Adrian made a dismissive gesture. “Did I show you this yet?” He picked up a small figurine on his desk. “It’s rover swag! No one has seen these yet, but we’re giving them away in February.”
“What’s happening in February?” Noah seized the topic change, settling back down against the pillows. Adrian always got mellow when he talked work.
“There’s a big PAX conference in LA on President’s Day weekend. We’ll be debuting several new features, talking up the big release. And for the first time, I’ll be one of the demonstrators.”
“That’s awesome! It means Chris must really believe in you.”
“I guess. Actually, I was thinking...You’re off that weekend, right? Campus holiday?”
“Yes,” Noah said slowly, dread coalescing in his stomach. “It’s the weekend after the tenure committee meeting and—”
“That’s what I thought! What I was thinking was you could come for PAX. And if your meeting goes well, we’ll celebrate. And if it goes terrible, I’ll take your mind off it. And you can see my shower in person.” Adrian kept his voice light, but Noah picked up on a nervous undercurrent. Damn.
“If it goes badly, I’m not going to be fit for human companionship.” Noah tried to meet Adrian’s casual tone and failed miserably.
“And that’s why you need something to look forward to. And I was doing some googling the other night. You know there are other jobs for archaeologists out there. Some sound really fascinating. If you don’t make tenure, it might not be the end of the world.”
Dear God. Noah wasn’t so dense that he couldn’t hear the hope in Adrian’s voice. He wouldn’t go so far as to say that Adrian was hoping Noah failed on the tenure quest, but he had a feeling Adrian wouldn’t be shedding any tears on his behalf if it fell through. The past few weeks, Adrian had done more speculating about the future, little hints here and there about wanting to keep things going after December. And Noah was a total coward and hadn’t put him off yet.
Because you want it too.
He liked what they had too much to crush Adrian’s spirit and end it now, and that made him the worst kind of bastard. He liked finding gluten-free recipes for the slow cooker and imagining sharing them with Adrian. He loved telling Adrian how many pages he’d edited and having Adrian shower him with emoticons. Digging through his movie collection, trying to find obscure ones for Adrian to tear apart made him happy.
And he’d never been more productive. Another few days and he’d have the book ready to send in, almost a full week early. He never could have predicted that a month ago, and he owed so much of it to Adrian.
Six pages of acknowledgments and you can’t thank the one person who really matters. Adrian was the last person he thought about each night, and the first thing Noah did when he woke up was to check his phone.
Another weekend together? Impossible. He was in way too deep as it was.
There wouldn’t be a spring for them. Heck, there shouldn’t even be a Christmas for them. Noah knew this. But it still stung like he’d slid down the face of Church Rock.
“Adrian.” Noah’s voice quavered. Heck. He wasn’t going to be able to say it. “I’m not sure I can think that far ahead,” he finished lamely.
“Yeah. I get it,” Adrian said stiffly. “I know you need to focus on the book and all right now.”
Thank you. Noah grabbed onto the ropes stopping his slide into the dark place that was the future without Adrian. Focus on the book. Not the pain.
“I’m almost done. Did I tell you? I write the conclusion tomorrow. Then a bit more proofing, and it’s off, and I can email the chair that it’s done.”
“That’s wonderful. I get it, Noah. I do. I’m going crazy with this rover stuff. Rob keeps coming up with more tweaks we need to do. I know what you mean about not being able to think of the future. I’m having a hard time thinking beyond next week when this goes live.”
Noah’s throat was tight. Adrian was making excuses and he shouldn’t let him. They were both clinging to Christmas as a reward for making it through December’s deadlines, but Noah knew this wasn’t the healthiest. It was like when he’d put on fifteen pounds while writing his dissertation, having a blueberry muffin with every Chapter he finished. He’d learned the fallacy of such rewards, and while a hundred times sweeter, Adrian was no less problematic. Noah’s coping skills needed some serious work.
* * *
Noah was putting the finishing touches on packing for Denver when his phone buzzed.
“Weather’s still terrible,” he said without looking at the screen. “But I’m heading out no matter what tomorrow morning.”
“Glad to hear it. Landview’s been too quiet without you.” His chair—quite possibly the last person Noah ever wanted to use his “boyfriend” voice with—boomed a greeting.
“Uh-huh. Happy Holidays, sir.”
“I’ve told you for five years now, you can call me Chuck when students aren’t around.” Big of him. Really. “And none of this PC business. You’ve been away too long. Merry Christmas. Christ our Lord is born. You should come with Marilyn and me to our church’s Christmas Eve services. We’ve got a real donkey this year.”
“Uh. Tempting, sir. But I thought you were...my mother when I picked up my phone.” Adrian could forgive him the lie, right? Not Adrian you should be worrying about. He needed to worry about himself and how easily the lie slipped from his lips. Noah never lied. But the last month was proving him possible of even the lowest transgressions. “I’m due at her house tomorrow. I’ll be back at Landview next week though.”
“Good. Good. I saw your email about your book heading out to the publisher. I glanced at the file. Looks good, Walters. Well done.”
Noah’s stomach churned. Why didn’t the chair’s praise feel nicer? He’d spent the past year worrying about pleasing Dean Morrison but now all he felt was ill, hands cold and clammy, bile rising in his throat.
“I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what the tenure committee says. I hope they agree with your assessment.”
“Oh, you know that’s just a formality.”
What? No. No, he most certainly did not know that. He’d been sweating for months, thinking there was a very good chance he was on his way out, and it was a formality? And why wasn’t he literally dancing up and down right now?
“Really?” he said weakly.
“Of course. Stop by my office when you get back. I’ve been praying about your return. We’re going to do good works this next term. I can feel it.”
That makes one of us. He said the appropriate things to bring the conversation to a close, then sat there studying his phone. He should be thrilled. He should be calling Adrian, telling him that the chair loved his book, that his goal was finally in reach. He should want to tell someone, right? But his news was going to break Adrian’s heart. Heck, it was breaking his own. He didn’t want to tell anyone. What he wanted to do was curl into a ball, pray for good roads tomorrow, and forget that success tasted an awful lot like loss.