One month later

Jax

I splashed a handful of cold water on my face; I was struggling to wake up. I hadn’t been sleeping since Amber had left. Guilt and regret consumed me. I was finding it harder to get through a day without my thoughts drifting to her.

The ‘should-haves’ began to race through my mind again. I should have stopped her, I should have let her explain. I should have trusted her.

I grabbed my leather vest off the bed. I was craving some action; for anything to happen today that would take my mind off her for a few hours.

The smell of cigarettes was strong in the air when I walked out into the lounge area. Now that parole was over, I could move out of the Shield’s and into the clubhouse. I couldn’t have left quick enough, because the Shield’s didn’t want me there. They blamed me for losing Amber, and they had a right to.

It was my fault she was gone.

“They’re doing that video chat thing with Amber.” Adam yawned from the couch, “Thought I’d let you know.”

Surprisingly, Adam hadn’t changed much since what had happened. He still treated me the same, and, for some unknown reason, was actually pushing me to speak with Amber.

“Of course you did,” I scoffed.

“Yeah, you should go in there,” Adam nodded his head towards the table room.

I could hear the other guys in there making a fuss, but I wasn’t interested, because hearing her voice just pulled at my heart strings, and brought emotions I didn’t want to deal with to the surface.

“I’m going out,” I muttered, storming through the room. Like I said, I needed action, something to take my mind off her. The last thing I wanted to do was hang around here and listen to Amber’s voice.

Hearing her only reminded me that I would never have her.

Troy

“Cole, stop that!” I slapped his hand as he went to re-adjust the laptop camera again. “Or I will fucking break your hand off.”

Cole glared at me and sat back in the chair beside me.

“Look, it is Amber!” Tyler pointed to the computer screen, and I quickly whipped around to see.

Sure enough, Amber was smiling at us through the computer screen. The first thing I noticed was that she had cut her hair.

“You got a haircut!” Cole exclaimed, noticing the same thing.

“Yeah, it was annoying me.” Amber’s voice echoed through the computer speakers.

“How’s England?” I asked her. Since she’d left, I’d been worrying about her more than normal. I could only imagine the trouble she could get up to, all by herself over there.

“Yeah, it’s awesome here,” she grinned, looking happy. “The only downside is not having a threatening motorbike gang to back me up.” Cheekiness flashed across her eyes. “How are you guys?”

“Troy’s got a girlfriend,” Cole gruffed, and I punched him in the arm as soon as he said it.

I didn’t like anyone mentioning April, because I wasn’t used to having a girlfriend, and it still stumped me slightly when I heard it out loud.

“You’re kidding!” Amber exclaimed. “Who is it?”

“April Reyes,” Tyler answered straight away, and he stepped back before I could slug him.

“April Reyes, the chick that works at the video shop?” Amber asked, curiosity in her voice.

“She hasn’t worked there for years; it closed down!” I snapped, defending her; for some reason it just came naturally to defend her. Dating someone was new to me, and being lucky enough to have April, well… I wasn’t used to it.

“Well, who knew Troy, that you had it in you.” Amber smiled at me, and I hated it. “April is really nice, from what I remember.”

“Enough about me,” I snapped. “It’s not interesting.”

“It kind of is,” Amber giggled at me. “Troy, I can’t believe you actually have a girlfriend!”

“Get over it already! I didn’t make this big of a deal when you started going out with Ja…” I regretted it as soon as I said it. My temper always got the best of me.

Amber went silent and so did the boys. Really, couldn’t they bring something else up already? The silence seemed to last forever and, funnily enough, it was Amber who broke it.

“How is Jax?” Amber didn’t have any emotion in her voice. “Is he still with Mai?”

“He was never with Mai,” I answered, seeing as it was me who brought this up and the boys had suddenly become mutes.

“Didn’t seem that way when I left,” Amber muttered, and looked down into her lap.

“Maybe you should call him?” Adam said as he walked into the room, and positioned himself behind me, looking at Amber. “Work things out?”

Amber looked at Adam, and I wanted to smack him. The last thing I wanted was her back with that dipstick, but, on the other hand, if they worked it out, maybe she would come back…

Amber looked away from the computer screen for a few moments. Someone must have entered the room. She covered the microphone so we couldn’t hear.

“Look guys, I have to go,” Amber said quickly, “I’ll um call you guys soon.” She gave us a quick smile before disappearing on us and a ‘disconnected’ signal flash on the computer.

“What was that about?” I frowned.

“That was your fault,” Cole huffed, getting up from the chair. Hating the fact his time with Amber was over. Out of all of us, he was missing her the most. He was grumpier than normal.

I glared at his back as he walked out of the room, his normal air of arrogance following him.

“She’s up to something,” Tyler muttered; he was as curious as I was.

“Yeah, I agree.” I looked up at Tyler. “And I don’t like it.”

I didn’t like not being able to keep a track of her; it didn’t sit right with me. Amber always had a way of getting herself into trouble; in fact, she had it down to a fine art.

“Nothing we can do from here,” Tyler said, annoyed, before leaving the room. He was right. There wasn’t anything we could do. I just hoped Amber wasn’t getting into anything. Anyway, how much trouble could she get into? It was England after all. It wasn’t like she knew anyone there.

Amber

I still don’t know how they knew. But they did. As soon as my plane landed, they were at the airport, waiting for me. TNS. Well, not any member of TNS. TNS stood for his name. Tae Neal Smith. An English gangster. He started his empire in the UK and then branched out.

I had met him once at home. He was in the country organizing a new head role. At the time, we got on. Because I’d met him directly, TNS trusted me. At the time, I wasn’t scared of him but that changed when I found him waiting for me at the airport.

I closed my laptop abruptly as my Aunt opened my bedroom door. “Tae is here.” She smiled. “He said it’s important.”

My aunt wasn’t batty. If I had to describe her in one word, I would say… caring. She cared about me. I didn’t understand why; we had only known each other for a month but what really got me, was that she also supported me.

England wasn’t huge so she knew Tae and his reputation. She was startled at first when he approached her at the airport, while he was waiting for me. He knew everything there was to know about her; he’d done his research, but who he’d also researched, was me.

“Thanks.” I got up and picked up my duffle bag. “I won’t be back tonight.”

Tae shouldn’t be here. If he was, it meant something was wrong and he was counting on me to fix it.

I walked down the hallway and bang, there he was, waiting in the foyer.

“Amber,” he greeted me, his normal, non-caring smile on his face. “We have a problem.”

“And here I was thinking you just came to say hi.” I moved the duffle bag on my shoulder.

“We can talk in the car,” he said as he opened the front door.

“Wait a sec; you are coming with me tonight?” I looked at him surprised. Tae didn’t get his hands dirty; he left that to the rest of us. Well, that wasn’t completely true… he left it to me.

Well, he had for over a month; as soon as I’d got here. He’d made me a proposal and I didn’t hate the idea of working for him. He wanted to train me. He wanted me to become the invisible hand back home that controlled his interests.

I still didn’t want to head home, and I was going to put it off as long as I could.

I didn’t want to see….Jax.

I cringed as I walked down the porch steps. How could just remembering his name hurt?

But it did.

Time. That was what I needed; time to pass, so my wounds would heal. That… and distance. Two things. That’s all I needed. I had the distance but the time, well, that was harder. Every day I woke up and hoped that hole in my heart would be healed.

But so far, I still woke up with a hole.

But I think what was worse was the piece of heart that was left… well, it was empty. Empty of emotion. I didn’t feel anything. I was literally bulletproof now. Heartless, as Tae had pointed out the other night.

I still didn’t know the real reason we broke up. Something to do with my brothers. I sighed as I got in the car. It really didn’t matter anymore; we were in different countries. And yet, here I was; even though I was off to threaten and kill someone, he was on my mind.

How the hell was that fair! I was throwing myself into Tae’s lifestyle, breathing his ruthlessness. Trying to follow his lead. Yet, I was still hung up on Jax!

Who wasn’t even in the country!

I was stupid.

But also when it came down it, I had been blinded.

I loved him. And he simply didn’t love me back.

Maybe that was what really hurt me? I’d told him over and over how we were perfect for each other. Yet, when it came down to it, he used my brothers as an excuse.

My brothers. Guilt washed over me. If they knew how deep I was getting in with the TNS, even though I would always be invisible, just pulling strings and taking out hits. Still, if they knew - they would be seeing red.

Then wanting to kill me.

You would think a new country would mean a new me.

It was clear - my past was going to influence my future. I knew that as soon as I saw Tae at the airport. Just because dad wanted to give me a fresh start didn’t mean I was going to get one.

Tae had made good points. He knew I wasn’t going to be capable of working a nine to five job. Hell, he knew when it came down to it; my skill with a gun was just that - skill. Something to be trained and focused on. Improved on.

Which is what we had been doing - at the shooting range, at his place, on his land, and with his enemies. With each one I took out, I got better. Each one I killed took something from me though. I thought one day I would wake up regretting the lives I had taken.

And I found out that day came, and went just as quickly. Guilt wouldn’t stop me.

Nothing could stop me. It was like I didn’t have a heart anymore, to care. Jax had taken it, stomped on it and handed it back and I had declined the offer to take what was left of my heart.

The ache I felt for him, waking up every morning still with it – well, that was the only reason I even considered I still had a piece of my heart.

Because when it came to business, I was getting as ruthless as the man grooming me.

“Amber, the address has changed - they are at the shipping yard. Can you calculate for that?”

I unzipped my duffle bag and nodded my head. “I’ll do the math and the readings when I get there.” I looked down at my sniper. It was the first thing Tae had given me. State of the art. Top of the line. And I knew how to use it.

Which was beginning to strike fear in the underbelly of London.

Jax

I lit up another cigarette. Another party, another reason to get drunk. Yet, here I was at the bar, women everywhere, and I could only think of one.

One with perfect curves that I loved to explore. One with those sharp eyes that stared straight through all the bullshit. One that was always in control. Those lips of hers, how sweet they were, and how she was always up for anything I wanted to do.

I exhaled on my cigarette. I still didn’t know if she was a devil or an angel. I couldn’t get her out of my mind. Couldn’t turn her off. It was killing me knowing she was in another country, living a new life. One far, far away from me.

Katie put a hand on my shoulder and I shrugged it off. I wasn’t in the mood. I hadn’t even so much as glanced at another woman since Amber had left. There was only one woman I wanted in my bed, and she was in fucking England.

“Can we talk?”

I turned to see Troy. What did he want? It was fair to say when he said things were going to be business and business alone, he wasn’t lying. Our years of friendship were gone.

He blamed me for losing his sister.

And it was my fault, so I didn’t hold it against him.

I nodded my head and got up, following him to the boardroom. I closed the door after us, blocking out some of the noise of the party.

“What’s up?” I said, butting my cigarette out in the ashtray.

“You.” His eyes hardened. “What you are doing hasn’t gone unnoticed.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“You haven’t touched another woman. You haven’t so much as even argued at one of my points and now, now you are acting like I’m in control.”

“What’s wrong with that? Didn’t you want to be in control?”

“I’m not the king!” He basically yelled. “Your job is to always put the club first! It’s in your blood!”

Yeah, I knew I was letting things slide. Yeah, I knew I wasn’t living up to my responsibilities, but Troy had everything under control. Wasn’t like I had completely turned a blind eye to the club.

“Everything is going fine.” I shrugged. “I don’t see the problem.”

“You need to step back up.” Troy was saying that like I wasn’t going to. I would one day. Maybe on the same day I had Amber back because, right now, I wasn’t functioning without her.

How could I lead a group of men, all expecting me to have their back, when the only woman I loved… well I broke her heart and made her move to another country.

“I didn’t want to do this, but I don’t see another option.” Troy got his phone out and I didn’t know what he was doing until my phone buzzed in my pocket.

Pulling it out; it was a message from Troy. My eyes widened when I saw that it was a contact. Amber.

“Call her. Get it out of your system.” Troy said. “I know she can take it now. She’s stronger and I spoke to my Aunt today. Amber’s really settling in there. Rarely is home and is excelling at her studies so I know a phone call from you she can take.”

“She excelling in her studies?” I looked at him like he couldn’t be serious. Amber never did school. She couldn’t care less if she passed or failed.

“Maths apparently.”

“She hated maths.”

“Well now she is an A grade student in it. She’s moved on Jax. Time for you to do the same.” He walked past me. “I know you calling is just so you can move on because I’m telling you now, Amber doesn’t care anymore. Hell, she even asked how you were the other day, like you were just one of the many.”

Was he trying to hurt me? I turned to read his expression. Nope. He was just stating facts. Amber had asked how I was. And she really had acted like I was one of the many. I clenched my phone tighter.

Troy left and I followed him out to the party but I was even less interested in the party now. I took the stairs two at a time. I was going to call. I was going to hear her voice. Not overhear one of those stupid video calls.

Although I wouldn’t mind face-timing her to see her face.

I unlocked my door and closed it. The party was a dull roar now.

I unlocked my phone and dialed her number.

I hoped she answered out-of-country calls.

I waited for it to connect and then, when it started to ring, my heart basically slowed. What if she didn’t want to hear from me? What if the last thing on earth she wanted was to hear my voice? That grabbed my heart; after how I’d treated her, I shouldn’t even be calling. I knew I had made a mistake and went to hang up.

“Hey Tae, look, everything went smoothly but I’m telling you now this is going to backfire on us,” Amber spoke into the phone, like she had been too busy to check the caller ID. Didn’t even realize it was an out-of-country call. “Tae?”

Who was Tae? What was going to backfire on them? My eyes narrowed. She was up to something. All this time I had thought she had moved on from this life, and suddenly I was getting the feeling she had just moved to another country and got herself involved in something else.

Something I couldn’t protect her from.

“Tae, I don’t have time for games! It’s late! You know very well I don’t do mornings. And that advance math class is at eight.”

I frowned. Do I say something? So, she really did have a thing for maths. 

I cleared my throat. Yep, I was going to do it. I was going to talk to her. “It’s not Tae.”

Whoever that was.

If I had been with her now, I could bet she was wearing that cute frown on her face.

“Wait a sec…” Amber said into the phone, and I heard muffled noises. “Who is this?”

She didn’t even recognize my voice. That hurt. “Um, it’s Jax.”

Silence. It was deafening.

Was she just going to hang up and block my number? Hell, it wouldn’t surprise me after how I’d treated her. I had piled onto her about trust, how I wanted her to trust me, and then me not trusting her in the end.

“How are you?” Her voice was steady; no emotion. Her normal wave of happiness when she spoke to me wasn’t there.

I didn’t answer because I don’t think she would really want to hear the answer.

I was lost without her.

How was I? I was a mess. A failing, epic mess.

“Jax, are you ok?” Her voice was still steady; no emotion.

“No.” I blurted out. I was nowhere near ok. I couldn’t be described as ok. I was fucking depressed. The only woman I wanted, the only woman that would make me feel better was in fucking England.

“Talk to me, what’s wrong?” Amber said, as if putting what I did aside and still having an interest in why my life was going to shit. “Are you having problems with the club?”

For once in my life, I didn’t give a fuck about the club. Maybe that’s what was wrong with me. When Amber had left, I realized the club didn’t even come close to her. I had said I couldn’t have her cost me the club but, in the end, she had.

“I don’t give a fuck about the club.” I blew, and sat down.

“Come on Jax, we both know that isn’t true.” Her voice was kind, soft, like velvet; so welcoming. “You love the club.”

Was it possible that Troy was right? Amber had got her life together. Right now she was proving that to me. She had moved on. She had the ability to have a conversation with me, when I flat out broke her heart and then said every hurtful thing possible, but she was putting that to the side.

The old Amber wouldn’t be speaking to me right now.

“I don’t anymore,” I said, and that was putting what I was feeling mildly.

I had let my pride get in the way of us. I had let the club get in the way us. I didn’t realize it at the time, but she was my purpose, and now I was lost without her.

“What has you saying that?” Her voice was gentle. Like she wanted to comfort me.

“You.”

“Jax, you ended us,” she said bluntly.

“I was wrong, Amber. I was so fucking wrong. Please just come back home. Please! I’ll do anything. Just come back.”

She went silent.

I took a shaky breath in. “I should have trusted you. I’m sorry. You don’t know how sorry I am. If I’d listened to you and not Mai, you wouldn’t have left.”

I heard her sigh. “Come on Jax, you are better than this.”

“What do you mean?” It was all the truth. I wasn’t better than anything and I wasn’t above begging for her to come back. “Please come back.”

God, I needed her back. I needed to see her. I needed to touch her. I needed to see that smile of hers.

“The Jax I knew wouldn’t be letting an old relationship get in the way of his club. The Jax I knew would be over this and onto something else. You should be planning your next move, increasing members, banding out your empire,” she blew out; I was hooked on every word she said, loving the sound of her voice. “The Jax I knew wouldn’t be calling me.”

“The Jax you knew was a dickhead,” I said bluntly. It was the truth.

She laughed. “Yeah he was, but he was always a good leader.”

I smiled, hearing her laugh. I had made her laugh. I never thought that was going to happen again. Hearing her laugh eased all my nerves. Made my permanent frown disappear.

“Come home Amber, please?” I begged. “I need to see you.” Need didn’t even come close to how I felt. I couldn’t function without her. I couldn’t keep going without her. “Please, Amber.”

She sighed again. “Jax, you don’t need me. Do I need to remind you, you broke up with me?”

“I was a dick!” I admitted.

“No Jax, you said facts. You love the club. You can’t have anyone get in the way of the club. And now you don’t have anyone in the way. The only one stopping you, is you.”

She was speaking the truth, but what she was leaving out was that I did have one person stopping me. Her. She was missing. I knew now that she would never cost me the club. She was just going to support me, as she’d said. She only wanted to make my life better and somehow, I’d screwed that up.

I’d pushed the only woman capable of leading beside me, away - to another country!

“Amber, I can’t…” How do I say this?

“You can,” she said firmly. “You can lead. You can make the club bigger, better. You can do it.”

She had faith in me, pity I didn’t have the same faith in me.

“I need to see you,” I said. My need to see her was killing me.

“Ok, then facetime me.”

Was she serious? She was seriously going to let me see her? After everything I’d done?

“You serious?” I said, not believing her.

“Yes.”

“Alright, I’ll be one second.” I didn’t want to hang up on her just in case she didn’t answer my call when I called again. Was she just asking me to facetime her so she could get off the phone to me?

“Ok,” she said, not sounding like she was blowing me off.

I hung up and facetimed her. My heart rate increased when I read the ‘connecting’ on the phone.

She actually answered.

Then there was a black screen.

“Give me a sec,” she said, and then the lights came on, and my screen lit up. She was frowning, and squinting from the light. “Ok, that’s bright,” she said, and yawned then looked into the camera, a frown on her face again. “You look tired Jax.”

I had given up on sleep. I couldn’t sleep. Not without her.

“You look great.” I said, matter of factly. She looked fucking perfect. Her black hair fell forward, and I frowned. “You cut your hair.”

“Yeah, it was getting too long. And in the way.” She moved on the bed, and I noticed a tattoo on her collarbone.

“New ink?”

She frowned and then realized I had seen her tattoo on her collarbone. “Oh yeah.” She smiled. “Got it when I got here. Thought it was about time I made a mark on my body, and not someone else.”

“What is it?” I looked closer, trying to work it out; looked like writing.

“It says exhale the past,” she answered me and shrugged. “Sort of was fitting.”

Was I the past she was exhaling? The small smile on my face that appeared when I saw her disappeared. She really had moved on.

“So, what have you been doing?” I asked, wanting to have a normal conversation with her. How many times had I wondered what she was doing? How many times had I just wanted to call her, just to know was she ok?

She smiled, and it was a full blown smile. “I’d tell you, but you wouldn’t believe me.”

I arched my eyebrows. “Your brothers have reason to be worried about you, don’t they?” She already had me worrying. But I was starting to think maybe there was more to it now. What was she up to?

“I’ll have you know, I can look after myself.” She said smugly. “And…” She got up and the camera followed her as she walked through her bedroom and then her face disappeared and I was looking at math notes, “I’ve just been studying.”

“Advance maths, hey?” I said, taking in the figures. “You hate maths.” It was a statement, not a question or a maybe; it was a fact. Amber was allergic to homework and anything to do with school.

“That was when I didn’t think it was important,” she said, and the camera was back on her. “So want to explain the whole club thing?” She arched an eyebrow at me, knowing me too well.

“Don’t want to talk about the club.” I wanted to talk about her. I wanted answers to all my questions. One that was bugging me from when she picked up the phone. “Who is Tae?”

Her expression dropped and she looked up in shock. “Um well… um.” She nervously frowned. “Not important.”

“Nah, don’t give me that line sweetheart. Who is he?” Was he her boyfriend? Had she not just moved on with her life, but also her love life?

She sighed. “He is someone that is very important in my new life.”

I knew immediately she was down-playing it. She had moved on. Not just in life, but in her love life as well. She had someone who was now very important in her new life.

Like her tattoo said, exhale the past. Well, I was that past.

“I’m happy for you.” And I was; she deserved to be happy. She deserved this new life. Hell, she deserved a better life than I could ever give her. And now she was getting it.

“I’m not dating him.” That cute frown of hers appeared on her face again and she looked down. She was nervous. “After what happened with you, I’m never letting anyone get close to me again,” she muttered; I barely heard her.

I sighed. “Just because I screwed up doesn’t mean you should wipe men out completely. I was a dick, Amber. Not all men are like that.” I didn’t want to say it, but she had just said Tae was an important part of her new life. “Maybe this Tae could be the right guy.”

One that wouldn’t take her for granted. One that would see how important she was before he lost her because that was what happened to me; I didn’t know how important she was in my life until I’d lost her.

“He’s not.” She scoffed. “I’m never giving someone that power over me again. Hell, I still haven’t got myself back together after you!”

“Yeah you have sweetheart. You are more than fine without me.” I smiled dimly, only stating a fact. She had moved on. She had picked up the life I had trashed by being in it and she had somehow, well, turned her life around.

“No, I’m not. I’m nowhere near fine,” she said, like I should’ve known that, and that ‘everything is fine’ expression dropped and I saw the hollowness in her eyes. “You nearly killed me Jax.”

The guilt I felt was crushing me. The weight of it. The hollowness in her eyes. That was my fault.

“I’m so sorry sweetheart. I really am,” I said. She would never know how truly sorry I was, and I was sure she was never going to let me make it up to her. “Just because I treated you like shit, doesn’t mean another man will.”

“I’ve learned my lesson when it comes to men. Blake hurt me physically and you, well…” her words dried up. We both knew what I had done

I watched pain split across her face for a second; then it was gone.

“Like I said, you will find a guy that will realize how important you are.” I knew it would happen. She was stunning, beautiful and perfect, and I wasn’t just talking about her body. Her attitude, her unconditional love for her family, and her faith in the people she loved; all that made her the perfect woman.

And I was an idiot for letting her go. Hell, I’d pushed her away.

She pursed her lips and nodded her head. “Maybe one day I will risk it again, but not now, and not for Tae.”

“Why, is he not as good looking as me?” I had to cut the tension somehow and she rolled her eyes, a small smile on her face.

“You know, no one is as good looking as you, but that’s not the reason. Tae actually is pretty fit.”

“Fit, hey? You sound British.”

She laughed. “No, I mean physically, not as in attractive. He pushes me to my limits.”

I arched my eyebrows at that. What did she mean her limits? Was she talking about in bed?

“Not like that!” She picked up on my expression. She knew what I was thinking. “He is, well…” She sighed. “You actually know him.”

“I don’t know anyone called Tae.”

“You do.”

“No I don’t. I don’t know anyone in England, well apart from you.”

“His name is Tae Neal Smith,” she said, like I should know what that means.

I just frowned. “No idea who you are talking about sweetheart.”

She rolled her eyes. “Of course you wouldn’t know him personally, he keeps a low profile. Well, not here, but back home. I think he has only visited twice, and I met him once.”

I frowned still. “So you knew this Tae guy from here?”

“Tae Neal Smith, Jax!” she repeated. “I helped you sell guns to them! Well, his empire at home that is. His one in England is larger.”

“You helped with TNS.” I said, not making a connection, but recalling how mature she had been when she’d handled that deal, and how they’d trusted her. Then it hit me slowly. Tae Neal Smith - TNS. “YOU’RE WORKING FOR TNS!”

“God, wipe the shock off your face will you!”

“Amber, they are dangerous. How the fuck did you get involved with them?”

She shrugged. “He was waiting for me at the airport.”

That pissed me off instantly. “He was waiting for you?” He must have been keeping tabs on her.

“As soon as I got off the plane, he was there, standing with my aunt.”

“Did he have a track on you?” I wanted him dead. Keeping track on her. He must have been watching her, to just be waiting for her at the airport.

“He was monitoring me, yes. As soon as I ended it with the HellBound, he was interested in recruiting me. Then he found out I was working for you a lot so he monitored me again. Then he said my passport flashed across his screen when I boarded a plane to England.”

I was furious. “So, did he recruit you?” I had not only pushed her away, but I had pushed her into the arms of a man nearly as deadly as me.

She really attracted bad men in her life.

“Yeah, he did.”

“AMBER!”

“Calm down Jax. I’m well looked after.” She gave me a pointed look. “Tae doesn’t put me in harm’s way. And I don’t do anything I can’t sleep with.”

“So, have you been doing those hits? They were linked to TNS in the paper!” I was furious. She was meant to be creating a new life! One that didn’t involve getting a criminal record!

“You’ve been reading the headlines? The London news headlines?” She said alarmed, like it wasn’t possible.

I was a subscriber to the London times because, well, it was a connection to her. “Yes or no Amber?”

“Yes,” she said simply.

“YOU’VE BEEN KILLING PEOPLE!” I was up and she was fucking lucky she was in another country. “WITH A SNIPER!”

“I’ve been trained, yes.”

“Don’t sound so cold!” I hated hearing coldness in her voice. Like she was disconnected from the world. Like she was disconnected from her heart.

“What did you expect, Jax? Like I said, you nearly killed me.” She wiped an angry tear away. “I have to go.”

“No you don’t. Don’t you dare hang up. Do your brothers know what you’ve been up to?”

She scoffed. “I think you would know if they knew.” She shook her head. “You should get some sleep.”

“I’m not tired,” I said through gritted teeth. I was more concerned about her, more concerned than I was a minute ago. At least then I thought she had moved on in a good direction.

“You look tired.”

“I can’t sleep without you. So, unless you are coming back, I won’t be sleeping,” I snapped. “What does he have you doing? Killing people? What else?”

I needed details because that man kept in the shadows. Lived on the dirty money and his empire but no-one knew his face.

Well, not here anyway.

Her eyes narrowed. “He treats me like I’m an equal. He doesn’t see me as a weakness. Like you do. Like my brothers do. He looks at me as a strength.”

Well, she had me there. I always thought she was my weakness. And it was true; she still was my weakness.

“I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what else to say. It was my fault she was trusting Tae, because he was treating her as an equal when all I had done was look at her as my one weakness.

“Don’t worry about it.” She looked away from the camera. She frowned again. “It’s not your fault. What I’m doing… it’s not on you. It’s all me.”

“I made you leave Amber. What is happening is all on me.” If she got herself killed, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. “Can you stop it? Just cut him out of your life?”

She smiled. “No.” And then added. “I rely on him now, as much as he relies on me.”

“What does he give you?”

“Money.”

“Don’t you have your dad for that?”

“He cut me off.”

“What!”

She sighed. “As soon as he found out I wasn’t going to school, he cut me off. I’m on Tae’s payroll. It’s my only source of income.”

“I have money. You can have it.” My money could be touched now. She could have all of it, if it meant she would leave him and his dirty business and all this shit with TNS behind.

Her lips twitched. “Thanks, but I’m not letting my ex-boyfriend bail me out. I can look after myself.”

Ex-boyfriend. That hit me hard in the chest, right in the heart; the heart that was beating for her.

“Just take the money Amber.”

“No.”

I sighed; she was going to be stubborn. “What can I do to get you to change your mind?”

“Nothing. It’s actually weird you called tonight.” She frowned for a second. “Because Tae is forcing me to take my new role.”

“What role is this?”

“His invisible hand. Just handling the cash, taking out hits. You know, keep his empire running but from a distance, not have anyone know I report directly to him.”

“Why can’t he just do that? He is in England. I’m sure he is capable.”

“It’s not here, it’s back home,” she said slowly, looking torn about it.

“Here?” She was coming back?

“Well, I’m not sure if I will be located back home, but I’ll be in the country somewhere.” She smiled dimly. “Wherever he decides I’m needed the most.”

I hated someone else having control over her. She was mine.

“Make him locate you here.” I basically demanded it of her. “Make him choose here.”

If she was back in the country, back here, I had a chance to get her back. I had a chance to get my girlfriend back. I’d never had a girlfriend before; she was and is the only one I will ever have.

“I’m not really in a position to ask a favor.”

“I’ll make a call.”

“NO!”

“I want you back.”

Her eyes widened. “Jax, even if he does locate me back home, that doesn’t mean I’m coming back to you.”

That hurt, but if she was back home, I could use all my charm to get her back. There was a slim chance she still felt something for me, and I would take full advance of that when she got back.

“I’ll make a call.” I said, more set on my plan. “I’ll make sure you are located here.”

She looked at me startled. “Jax, NO!”

“I want you back Amber. I don’t care what I have to do to get you back.” Anyone that got in the way had a death wish.

“Well, I don’t want you.” Her eyes were hard. “I told you. I told you that if you broke up with me, that was it. I was done. Well, you broke up with me Jax, and that ended us. So you aren’t getting me back.”

She was cold, harsh and stated facts. Like I should’ve known them.

“Amber I fucked up…”

“I don’t want to hear it!” She cut me off. “I’m tired and I have advance maths in a few hours. I need to sleep.”

She was going to hang up on me. Wait a minute. “You said your dad cut you off because you aren’t studying? But you are doing advance maths?”

“I’m doing maths for my sniper abilities. Improving maths is important. To get the right headshot. I’m tutored by one of Tae’s men.”

She was getting into something deep and the more she got into it, the less chance I had of getting her out of it. I might have pull, but even I couldn’t take down TNS.

“I’ll make a call,” I repeated.

“I don’t want to come home.”

“I want you home.”

“Yeah, well we all don’t get what we want,” she snapped.

“You’re right, because in this case, you aren’t getting what you want. I want you home. You are coming home.” I had a way of getting her home now and I was going to use it.

“If I come back, that doesn’t mean that you and I will ever be anything. I’m not coming back for you. Even if you force me back. I won’t… no… I can’t be with you.” She looked down at her lap. “I can never trust you again Jax.”

I had broken her trust, but I was going to get it back. “I still love you Amber.”

Her head sprung up hearing that, and she looked at me with wide eyes. Like I couldn’t have possibly said that. I watched her expression; she was thinking she hadn’t heard me correctly.

“I love you Amber.” I repeated. “I know I hurt you. I know I pushed you away but I fucked up and I will do everything possible…”

“You can’t get me back Jax,” she said, cutting me off. “But,” she sighed. “I will always love you too.” My hopes went up and then she looked at me with tears in her eyes. “But I can never experience the pain of losing you again. What you did to me. What you are capable of doing to me. Well, it’s not fair.” She wiped away a tear that fell. “You’ve left me a hollow mess and I won’t ever give you the power to hurt me again.”

I knew then that she was never going to trust me again. I had really hurt her.

I nodded my head. “Doesn’t mean I won’t do everything possible to try and get you back.” Hearing what she’d said didn’t change my plans. Hearing she loved me, but would never be with me again… well, it didn’t deter me.

“You’re wasting your time. You should move on. Let me go.”

Wasn’t that the whole point of Troy giving me her number? For me to let her go. To move on. To focus back on the club. Well, that wasn’t going to happen. 

“No.”

She rolled her eyes. “You know I’m safe now. You know I’m looking after myself. Now you need to stop moping around, pick yourself up and start breathing and living that club you love.”

“Fuck the club.”

“Jax! If your dad heard that, he would break out of prison to kill you!”

“I don’t care anymore. Don’t you get that? I care about you!”

She looked at me in disbelief. “I was always the one telling you we were perfect for each other and you were always the one pushing me away.” Her voice was steady; serious. “Now I’m telling you Jax, you were right. We aren’t perfect for each other, and every reason you pushed me away, well, you were right.”

“I was a dick.”

“No, you were thinking with your head and not your heart.” I watched her face drop. “Something I was never capable of doing when it came to you.” She straightened her shoulders up, sitting up. “But that’s different now.”

She was saying she no longer thought of me with her heart, but I knew her. If she loved me, even a tiny bit, I had a chance.

“Expect to be on a flight back within days.”

She tilted her head. “You really think Tae will locate me back home? All because you make a phone call?”

“Not just a phone call, a business deal, and the TNS doesn’t turn down business sweetheart.” I had been ignoring my responsibilities at the club. I hadn’t arranged new guns deals. I knew we had a huge shipment coming in next week, and we still didn’t have a buyer.

I may have been taking a back seat in the club, but I still listened to Troy’s concerns. His main worry at the moment was being left with all these guns.

But I’d just got us a buyer.

TNS will jump at this chance to re-stock their guns. They were secretive; didn’t deal directly with anyone, but I was going to make sure they dealt with us. Again, they didn’t trust me; but, if Amber was in charge, she would be making the decision, who was to be trusted and who not.

She yawned and I saw how tired she looked.

“I’ll let you sleep,” I said.

“I should be saying that to you. You look exhausted.” She’d pointed out the obvious.

How could I tell her I couldn’t sleep until she was back? I couldn’t sleep worrying about her. Worrying if she was ok. Worrying that she was moving on. Feeling physically sick, thinking of her making a life without me.

“I’ll be seeing you soon.” My finger hovered over the hang up button. Still not bringing myself to be able to end the call. “I love you Amber.” I found myself needing to say it again. Reminding her I did love her.

“Doesn’t change a thing Jax. Even if you somehow pull it off and get me back home, I won’t ever be with you, because I can never trust you again.”

“But you still love me right?” I asked. She said she loved me and always would, but the way she had said it was like how one speaks about the dead. Like the love would always be there but it was dead.

“I’m not capable of love anymore Jax. You didn’t just break my heart, you killed it and now, well I’m, as Tae says, a ruthless yet effective leader.” She shrugged. “He said in order for one to succeed, sometimes you can’t have a heart. You taught me that too.”

Was she saying I was heartless? “I fucked up and I’ll prove to you, somehow Amber that I do have a heart and you aren’t a weakness. I’ll fix your heart that I broke.”

“That isn’t possible.”

“I did the damage. I can fix it.”

She smiled dimly. “I wish it was that simple.” She looked into the camera. “I need to go, Tae is expecting me in a few hours now.”

“I’ll see you when I’m holding you.”

She rolled her eyes. “You aren’t going to give up are you?”

“No.” And this time a full smile spread across my lips. “I can’t wait to see you and I won’t believe you are back until I wrap my arms around you.”

She nodded her head. “Night Jax.” Looks like she was going to be the one to end the call. She paused, “Try and get some sleep, would you?”

She said that like she knew how little sleep I was getting. I guess it did show on my face. “I can now, knowing you are coming home.”

“Well, you won’t believe it until you are holding me, right?”

I nodded my head. I wouldn’t believe she was back until I could wrap my arms around her.

She yawned and laid down. “Well, knowing you, you will get your way.”

“I will. Night, Amber.” I was really looking forward to the day I could wrap my arms around her again, when she was back. I was going to make sure it was by the end of next week, because I couldn’t last any longer and now it was in my control; I wasn’t going to stop until she was back.

Hell, I’d give them the guns if it meant she was back for the deal.

“Night, Jax.” She hung up, her face disappearing, and I was looking at my wallpaper, which just happened to be a picture of her and me.

I was getting her back, but in order for my plan to work, I needed sleep because I was going to have to be switched on. I needed to take back control of my club.

As Troy had said, I needed to stand up again.

Well, I was going to. All this time I had been blaming the club for costing me Amber, and now I was going to rely on it for me to get her back.

***

“I don’t know how I feel about this,” Tyler grumbled. “We don’t have any history with them. What is stopping them from turning these guns on us?”

“They don’t have a problem with us, and a buyer is a buyer.” I said. I had got in contact with them- TNS, offered them a deal of a lifetime. Our shipment was usually split into smaller portions. And sold off.

We never sold the whole thing to one buyer.

We were giving them enough weapons to start a small war.

“Still don’t know how you pulled it off,” Troy said, his eyes on me. He moved in his seat, leaning forward. “How are we going to pull this deal off without Amber?”

She had been our contact, but now she was in charge of who and who wasn’t trusted so I knew she would trust us to make the deal. She had to approve it and, as soon as they realized how serious I was, they said they would be in contact.

I had lined it up to not be a one-off, but a regular transaction. I was also trafficking them our drugs. I was making sure they had a strong business connection with us so it only made sense - if they were going to have someone pulling strings, well they would set them up here.

Which meant Amber. Here.

“Just made sense and the opportunity presented itself,” I said simply, ignoring the grunts of disbelief.

Troy thought his plan had worked because, after my phone call with Amber, I was focused on the club. I was focused on this deal. I had pulled every string possible to get in contact with them.

Then I had to throw my name around to even get a phone call.

But it had worked. I got the deal set up and it was for Friday so it only made sense that they would make sure their hand was in the country, supervising. As Amber said, she would be the invisible hand.

I hadn’t told her brothers what she was up to because then they would know what I was doing, and this time I wasn’t letting them get in the way of Amber and I.

I was getting her back.

And I wasn’t going to stop until I had her.

“Well, we will split the money come Friday,” Troy said, and closed the meeting.

Everyone got up and started to leave, but, by the look on Troy’s face, he wanted to speak to me.

So I waited until everyone left; wasn’t even surprised when he spoke as soon as the last member exited.

“What did Amber say to you?” he asked. Trying to find an explanation for me stepping back into my role.

“She just reminded me of a few things.”

“Amber got you to man up again. I told you she has changed.” Troy stood up. “Now don’t bring her back down.”

He had thought that one phone call with Amber was all I needed. I needed Amber in my life, for the rest of my life and I wasn’t letting him or anyone stop me from getting her.

I never thought I would have a weakness, but I didn’t see Amber as a weakness anymore. She had proved to me she could handle herself - multiple times. I was just too blind to realize it.

“Yeah, I won’t be hurting her again,” I said, getting up and following Troy out. I frowned for a second. “Have you heard from her?”

Usually, they always talked on a Monday, but it was Wednesday and I hadn’t had Adam annoying me with new facts about her, or heard them mention her.

“Dad’s visiting her,” Troy said over his shoulder. “So she’s busy.”

Would that stop her from coming? I started to panic. “Why would he be wanting to see her?” He wouldn’t stop her from coming home, would he? If he gave her money, she wouldn’t be relying on Tae for cash and could do what she wanted.

“It’s a stop-over, from what she said. Actually,” he turned back to look at me, “She didn’t even mention speaking to you.”

I shrugged my shoulders. I was thankful she hadn’t because they would have had me backing out of my plan.

“She’s pissed about seeing dad though,” Tyler picked up on our conversation at the bar. “She told me last night that he keeps dragging her to dinner parties.”

“Surprised she is even putting up with him after he cut her off,” Cole said as he threw a shot down.

So they knew she had been cut off. “So how is she living if she doesn’t have his money?” I asked them. How did they explain her finances because she told me she relied on Tae and she wasn’t lying when she told me. I saw it in her face; she was telling the truth.

“Trust fund. Dad gave it to her,” Cole grunted.

“Before he cut her off,” Tyler added. “Or at least that is what she has told us.” He gave his brothers a pointed look. “We all know she is keeping something from us.”

“What has you saying that?” I said. Amber had thought she was pulling off a great show. Hell, even I’d believed she had got her life together and moved on.

“Some bloke she is dating,” Adam gave me a heated look, “Whom she wouldn’t be dating if you hadn’t fucked up.”

Dating? She isn’t dating anyone.

“Yeah, this Tae guy doesn’t seem her type,” Tyler added. “Too crystal-clear cut.”

“I don’t see a problem with her dating a normal guy,” Troy shrugged. “She meant it when she said she was done with criminals.” Troy threw a look my way.

When she was back, that was exactly what she was going to be doing. Dating me. I was going to be relentless once she was back. I would use my charm, I would use my looks. I would use anything and everything to get her back. Hell, I was relentless now, trying to get her back.

I smiled. Two more days. She would have to be back before the deal.