I took my clothes off in front of Jax and my brothers!

I took my clothes off in front of Jax and MY BROTHERS!

This thought kept running through my head, as the events of the night before came back to me in waves the next morning.

Another wave of nausea ripped through my body, and I clenched the toilet bowl a little tighter. 

What was I thinking? Oh wait… I wasn’t!

I shouldn’t have drunk so much, but it was so heart-wrenching to have to leave the gang and Blake.

He had hit me though.

But the thing was, before that night, Blake had never laid a finger on me. He protected me, he loved me.

We had the modern day romance; it would have made a great romance novel.

Even the ending was twisted; wasn’t that what every reader wanted?

For the characters to be left heartbroken.

Well I was.

And now I had no choice but to walk away, because Blake and I both knew that was the only way to go.

If we really wanted to end it.

Which we had to.

I leaned away from the toilet bowl, and ran my fingers through my hair.

I hoped that I had just imagined that Cole had carried me up to my bedroom.

Maybe they had left already, thinking that it was nothing?

My hand wrapped around the basin for support, and I pulled myself up to my feet.

I suppose I would find out soon enough.

What makes a hangover worse? What doubles the nausea ripping through your stomach? What increases the mind hammering headache?

Knowing that your brothers and wanker of a guest got a strip show when you were wasted, and then to know I now had to go and face them all. Together.

As I twisted the taps and the water started to flow, the bathroom began to steam up.

I hoped and prayed my brothers had left.

***

I stood outside the dining room, leaning against the wall, listening to my brothers’ conversation.

“You sure it was the HellBound tattoo?” Tyler asked.

“Yes, it was their tattoo!” Cole exclaimed.

“We would have seen her!” Tyler pressed.

“It was their tattoo Tyler,” Troy emphasized.

“How could dad be so fucking blind?” Cole roared.

“She blinded us pretty easily,” Adam pointed out.

“I wonder how deep in she is…” Adam wondered out loud.

“Deep enough to carry their mark,” Troy said, stating the obvious.

I jumped at the sound of slamming fists on the table.

“Cole, don’t take your anger out on us,” Troy snapped

I braced myself, took a deep breath and walked into the dining room.

Immediately, everyone’s attention was on me.

As I scanned the room, I noticed how everyone was totally focused on me, and I immediately dreaded what was coming next.

 “Sit down Amber. Now.” Troy ordered.

Like a scared little child, I took the closest seat to the exit. Thank God I now had the comfort of the chair to support me.

“So, Amber. I guess we can say you’ve been busy,” Cole snarled from the head of the table. I

Because they would have to hate me, wouldn’t they?

Knowing the type of life I lived.

But then it wasn’t any better than their lives, and the way they chose to live.

Troy leaned against the wall, his arms crossed, and I could feel the waves of rage coming from him.

Tyler and Adam were seated on either side of Cole, both their chairs arranged sideways to face me.

I cleared my throat and waited for it.

“How long?” Troy asked, his jaw clenched, and eyes glazed over with anger.

“How long have I been drinking? Or how long I have been a member of the HellBound?” I babbled.

Cole huffed.

“I don’t believe this,” Cole interrupted.

I rolled my eyes.

“Why does it matter?” I demanded, keeping control over my voice.

“We are your brothers! Your family. We care more than those gangsters from the HellBound,” Tyler growled.

I gave him a deathly glare.

“Please, don’t go there,” I snapped back.

 “When are you guys leaving? When I say leaving, I mean the house; I know you still live in the city.” I snarled.

“You’re a real piece of work aren’t ya,” Cole snapped back.

“Here we were, thinking that you needed your brothers,” Tyler added

“We came here to help you!” Adam continued.

“If I needed help, which I don’t by the way, you four wouldn’t be the ones I would turn to.”

“Well, it’s very clear to us now, how immature you really are.” Troy growled from where he was standing.

“Because you guys have been a real huge part of my life. Great support,” I snapped

“Don’t act like you’re a mystery to us. You are our sister!” Cole hissed.

“Don’t you even get me started Cole,” I hissed back, clenching my fists.

He rolled his eyes. “Don’t sit there and behave like you are a mystery. Like we don’t know you at all.”

I rolled my eyes. Fine, he clearly wanted to be embarrassed.

“Am I good enough for you to remember my name then?” I asked

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

So I began to explain.

“A while ago, I attended one of your Bike Patch over parties. Not that I even knew I was at my brothers’ club party because, silly me thought you guys actually owned a gym and did personal training.”

All their faces went blank at this point.

But I continued, ignoring my nagging headache.

“When I saw you four, I was so happy! Stupid me actually missed you fools. It didn’t even click for me that you guys were part of a Biker gang. That was until I approached you Cole.” I stopped and took a much-needed breath, because I knew the next part was going to take a bit.

“When I screamed your name in excitement, I recall your every word, and I quote, “Sorry hun, I don’t remember your name, but you seem to remember mine. Sounds like I didn’t get as much fun out of it as you did. And then you winked at me!” I was not in the mood to put up a front anymore. Or accept their behavior.  “You didn’t even realize I was your sister! You JERK! Not to mention how embarrassing it was. You three weren’t much better,” I said looking at the rest of them at the table. “Not even bothering to pull your lips away from the whores you were with,” I continued.

They were all silent at this point. Did they really think I didn’t know who they were?

“I haven’t seen any of you guys in months and months, and then here you are at a party! And you didn’t even know it was me.” I shook my head in disbelief.

“In fact, you guys haven’t been there for a lot of things,” I added calmly, now clearly recalling that night.

I turned my eyes to Cole’s, but he just sat there, not even bothering to try to explain himself.

What was there to explain; he didn’t know me.

“You guys didn’t even know I was part of the HellBound which amazes me, given that we have to give you shares in all our profits,” I calmly argued.

“Amber, you weren’t meant to get involved with this lifestyle,” Troy said quietly.

I huffed and rolled my eyes.

“Like I had a fucking choice,” I snarled.

“What do you mean?” Adam questioned.

‘One thing led to another,” I explained.

“That doesn’t really explain much, Amber,” Tyler pointed out.

“I don’t feel like sharing my reasons with you,” I sneered.

“Fine. We don’t know you at all. So enlighten us? Why did you join the HellBound?” Adam asked calmly.

I ran my fingers through my hair.

“Because I was in love, and stupid.” I snapped back.

Troy raised his eyebrows questioningly, while Cole was still staring at the table,

I sighed and began to explain.

“Well, the evening I mentioned before,” I started, knowing they would all know what night I was speaking about.

They all nodded their heads slightly.

I glanced at each of them, just to make sure we were all on the same page.

“I was, well… attacked,” I confessed. “And that is putting it mildly.”

Cole snapped his head up, Tyler’s jaw dropped, Adam looked stunned and Troy stiffened.

I put my hands up so they wouldn’t interrupt or start asking questions, especially that one stupid question that made my blood boil. Are you ok?’’

I ran my hands through my hair again, and continued to explain.

“That was the night I met Blake Edwards. You all know him. He is the leader of the HellBound. You guys do a lot of business with him,” I paused for a second, not giving them any time to agree or disagree. They all knew Blake, I already knew that. This fact didn’t need to be confirmed.

“So, I met Blake the night of the party. He was a real charmer…” I smiled, thinking back to that night.

‘Then I ran into you lot”.

“You can skip that bit,” Cole blurted, before I could progress.

I continued, disregarding his statement.

“Anyway, long story short, I was distraught, and I left. I just took off. I had had a fair bit to drink as well. I don’t remember much about the attack. Just that I was grabbed and… I won’t get into the details. It’s my scar to carry,” I disclosed.

Taking a deep breath, I carried on.

“I remember a guy fighting my attacker off me. He was too late, but that didn’t stop him from beating the shit out of my attacker.” I paused. It was unpleasant to share these memories with them, but it would answer some of their questions.

“I vaguely remember being carried away, as I watched the scum bag writhing on the ground. When I awoke, I was in hospital, with Blake holding my hand. I had barely spoken to him, but there he was with bruised knuckles, holding my hand.” I spoke quietly, but continued with my explanation.

“And, yes, dad knew what had happened. I told him that he was, under no circumstances, to tell you guys. That’s why he never did,” I informed them. “Anyway, I don’t feel like sharing every memory with you guys because, like it or not, I don’t want to. So that was how I met Blake.”

I took a deep breath. I knew I would have to add more for them to understand.

“Needless to say, Blake and I became friendly after that evening, then fell in love, and became stupid, but I joined the HellBound with my head clear; it was what I wanted at the time. Blake didn’t encourage the idea, but he would do anything to make me happy, so I pledged. I don’t need to tell you guys about what I did as a member of the gang; I think you guys have a fair idea,” I reasoned. “

Sure the story had gaps, but there was little chance I would honestly tell them everything. I had informed them of the main points. Now to wait for the questions.

I leaned back in the chair and sighed.

“So you guys can shoot me questions now,” I said. It was already like being lined up in front of a firing squad.

The room fell into silence.

Their expressions were blank.

Bad sign or good?

“Miss Amber?” our butler sang from the entrance of the doorway of the dining room.

“Yes,” I responded, taking my eyes off my brothers and directing my attention to him.

“A gentleman is at the door, and wishes to speak with you,” he answered, and then turned and left the room.

Sighing, I lifted myself off my chair, and walked towards our bay window and, as I pulled the curtains back, my eyes landed on a black Mustang parked out in our driveway.

I knew who it was.

My heart quickened.

Blake.

I glanced at my brothers; they better not make a scene.

“I will be a minute or so,” I softly stated and marched my way out of the dining room, determined to ignore the nagging feeling of wanting to forget everything and run back to him.

I pulled the front door open, and standing there in all his amazing glory was Blake.

He turned around instantly, to face me.

A soft smile spread across my lips.

The corner of his lips lifted slightly.

If you didn’t know him, you would call it a small smile.

But I knew him, and when Blake smiled, it mirrored in his eyes.

This smile was a fake, as Blake’s eyes were cold.

“Amber,” his husky voice murmured.

“Blake,” I mimicked.

His hand reached behind his head and began to rub the back of his neck.

“I just wanted to come by and…” he trailed off.

“And see if I was alright?” I finished for him.

This time, a smile appeared on his face for two seconds, and then it was gone.

“Yeah, something like that,” he added.

I nodded my head.

“So your run last night… everything went smoothly?” he asked, still not taking a step closer to me.

I don’t think we had ever had this much distance between us.

“Yeah, everything went as planned, I gave Liam the taking,” I answered.

“Glad they didn’t give you any trouble.”

“Well, it wasn’t like there were any of the big guys. Just a few nobodies.”

“True,” he agreed.

My hand wrapped tightly around the door knob. Why did this have to be so hard?

Oh, he was the love of your life, that’s why, I reminded myself.

“I spoke to the chapter this morning. Even after some explaining, they weren’t too happy. So, you aren’t a member anymore. Your slate is clean.” Blake said, and I could hear his

I think deep down, he was hoping they wouldn’t let me go, and our unhealthy relationship would just go back to the way it was before he used me as a punching bag.

How should I respond to that?

“Oh” was all my brain could come up with.

Why was I feeling like this?

“Clean slate,” I whispered to myself softly.

Did I even want one?

I suddenly felt two muscular arms wrap themselves around me. I inhaled that familiar scent.

I pulled my hand away from the door and wrapped my arms around his back.

“Fuck…” he let out softly in my hair.

“I know,” I replied softly. I knew exactly what he was thinking.

Holding onto him tightly, I wanted this moment to last forever.

So we didn’t have to really say good bye, did we?

He pulled away, taking a step back, putting distance between us.

His hands dropped to his sides and he stood there staring at me.

“You can get the tattoo covered; I know a guy in the city,” he finally spoke, deadpan.

My eyes didn’t drop from his.

“I am not getting it removed,” I replied.

Our eyes were still locked.

“It’s a mark of the HellBound, Amber,” he cautioned.

“But, to me, it’s a symbol of our love. What we were.”  I straightened my shoulders up and said with more determination. “It’s a symbol of our memories. I won’t and can’t remove it. It’s… us.” It was an easy decision, really.

I broke eye contact, closing my eyes to take a deep breath.

Opening my eyes, I watched as Blake nodded his head.

His right cheek caught my eye, and I looked at it closely. It was swollen.

‘What happened to your cheek?” I asked.

“Disagreement,” he answered, pulling his shoulders back and standing taller, defensively. I

I glanced over my shoulder to see Jax shirtless, standing in the middle of the staircase glaring at me and Blake.

I let out an annoyed groan, and stepped forward onto the porch, slamming the front door shut behind me.

“Sorry, this is the wanker my father has staying with us,” I explained to Blake.

But anger consumed his face. His expression told me he didn’t believe me.

“Why would I lie?” I pointed out.

His shoulders relaxed a little.

I nodded my head. I had every intention of staying away from Jackson.

“I’m going to miss you,” I said, feeling all confused.

His eyes softened and he took a step towards me, but didn’t wrap his arms around me like he would normally have done.

He lowered his head to mine, resting it on my forehead.

“I know,” he whispered.

It took all my self-control to not wrap my arms around his neck.

“Love you,” he murmured.

I nodded my head against his.

“You better go,” I spoke softly.

He pulled away.

‘If you need me...” he began to speak, but I cut in.

“Your commitment is to the gang, Blake. Your commitment to me is over,” I informed him softly.

He didn’t move.

“My commitment to you will never be over.”

 

“Ok” I finally muttered. I knew he meant it. He would always be there for me. That love he felt for me would always be there. That need to be together, well, we were always going to fight it. Him and I – well, we had that twisted romance. Undying, and yet a complete wreck.

“Bye Blake. Look after yourself.” Because I wouldn’t be looking after him anymore. I just couldn’t. Our love had always been unhealthy, at times too intense, other times barely there.

Taking a step backwards, I placed my hand on the door knob.

He let out a deep breath.

Turning his back to me, he looked over his shoulder, not making eye contact with me.

“Love you Amber. You will be ok. I’m sorry.”

I twisted the door knob and stepped back into the foyer.

In a romance novel, in a teenage love story or in any fairy-tale, this would’ve been my cue to run after him, kiss him and tell him that I loved him.

That I couldn’t be apart from him.

Tell him I would be nothing without him.

Instead, I closed the door.

Because this is real life, and in real life, you don’t run after the gangsta.

You walk away while you still have enough pieces of your heart to thread back together.

I wouldn’t trade our memories or scars. I wouldn’t change my decisions, the ones that made me fall in love with him.

I wouldn’t change a thing.

So, as my heart was breaking, I had to accept that letting him go was going to hurt, but if didn’t hurt, then he wouldn’t be the love of my life, would he?