CHAPTER 12

Six-Inch-Tall Angry Naked Men

with Wings

 

 

FOUR DAYS later, Gary still hadn’t figured out how to play I Spy.

Ryan tried to explain the concept, but it was pointless. I didn’t tell him that because it kept him occupied and his attention off me. I still wasn’t sure if I was mad at him, even if he was a self-proclaimed Sam Girl. (I pretended that note meant absolutely nothing to me, even though I looked at it every night before I fell asleep—shut up.) I could feel him looking at me every now and then, but I stared resolutely forward, watching and waving to everyone that passed us on the Old Road. Many had already heard of the dragon taking Justin, but none had actually seen the dragon itself.

The first night we stayed at an inn in a little hamlet outside of the City of Lockes. Ryan was swarmed as soon as we got inside, people clamoring to meet him. Gary, Tiggy, and I ditched him immediately and made our way up to the room. Ryan stumbled in hours later, going for the empty bed, since Tiggy, Gary, and I were curled up on the other one, Tiggy’s legs off the end as he held us against his chest. I cracked open an eye and Ryan had a frown on his face as he glanced over at us. I didn’t know what that frown meant, but I took it as extraordinary judging that he was not allowed on the Cool Kids Bed and therefore was feeling sad and alone and wishing he had been invited.

That probably wasn’t it at all, but it sure as shit made me feel better.

The third night we camped under the stars. Gary tried to tell a ghost story but got distracted by fireflies and chased them. Ryan smiled quietly after him and I wanted to throw my jar of beans at his face.

The fourth day, we came to the fork in the road where the River Hermed (which bisected Verania from the tributaries in the north until it reached the sea) met up with the Old Road. The river itself flowed through the Dark Woods. If we followed it north, we’d hit Meridian City and therefore Old Clearing within ten days. If we took the long way around via the Old Road, it would be three weeks.

The others stopped behind me.

“Oh my gods, are we finally there?” Gary asked. “We’ve been walking for weeks.”

I rolled my eyes. “It’s the fourth day.”

“Tell that to my thighs,” he said.

“I don’t want to tell your thighs anything.”

“Rude. Ryan would talk to my thighs.”

“Not even involved,” Ryan said.

“Can we kick him out of the adventure yet?” Gary asked.

“I smash him?” Tiggy asked.

“No smashing,” Ryan said.

“Maybe later,” I said, distracted. “Time for a course change, boys.”

“Nope,” Ryan said, following my gaze along the river. “Not going to happen.”

I glared at him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were in charge here.”

“Funny,” he said. “I didn’t know you were.”

“Oooh,” Gary and Tiggy said.

“I’m the wizard here,” I said.

“Apprentice,” Gary whispered.

“And I’m the Knight Commander,” Ryan said.

“Of the Eighth Battalion,” I reminded him. “Which is the Castle Guard. We are not in the castle. Therefore, you are in charge of nothing.”

“Oh snap,” Tiggy said.

“I taught him to say that,” Gary said fondly.

“Morgan said to stay on the main road,” Ryan said, “for your safety.”

“I can handle myself.”

“Yeah, I’ve seen how you handle yourself,” he muttered. “Works out real well, doesn’t it?” He winced. “Dammit. I’m sorry. That’s not—”

“Go whatever way you want,” I said coolly. “We’re going along the river.”

I turned and walked away. Tiggy and Gary followed. I didn’t look back.

 

 

SO OF course it was fairies.

I hated fairies.

One minute I’m cursing Ryan in my head even as he was following us with a kicked puppy look on his face that was not affecting me in the slightest, and the next I felt the whisper of magic that wasn’t my own.

I said, “Oh shit.”

Ryan said, “What?”

Gary said, “Yeah, we’re screwed.”

Tiggy said, “I don’t like this.”

Magic is cool, okay? It’s fucking awesome. I can do shit that people could only dream about. Morgan opened up my eyes to a wide world of things I never thought possible. I can make things out of nothing.

But you know what sucks about magic?

How easy it is to bind it. To confine it.

To trap it.

Vermilion root. Countermagic. Antimagic. The feathers of a phoenix. The blood of a dragon. Binding potions.

And fairies.

I hated fucking fairies.

Because they hated me. Well, one in particular.

And I could already feel my magic starting to dampen.

Gary and Tiggy could feel it because they were magical creatures. Tiggy’s blood wasn’t as potent as a full-on giant, but it still was more powerful than a human. Same with Gary. Since his horn had been taken from him, he didn’t have the strength he used to. But they were both magic in their own right so they could feel that same thrum that sizzled across my skin.

“We should probably run,” I said.

“That’s probably a good idea,” Gary agreed.

“Fast,” Tiggy said.

“What?” Ryan asked. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” I said, moving behind him and pushing him to get him moving. The shield he wore strapped to his back felt hot under my fingers. “Nothing at all. This is just the time in the adventure that we practice how fast we can run for no apparent reason whatsoever. It’s called the Super Fun Run. Everybody loves it. Now do it.”

He snorted and looked over his shoulder. “This is going to be the part where I’ll get to tell you I told you so about leaving the Old Road, isn’t it? It’s literally only been thirty minutes. Literally.”

“Nope. There will be no I told you so. None whatsoever. I am just worried about your cardiovascular health. We need to get your blood moving. Keep you nice and limber.”

Fucker was just pressing back against my hands. “And why do you need me limber, Sam?” he asked, sounding almost amused.

And of course my mouth went dry and I thought of sexy things like getting fucked up against a wall and telling him his smile would look even better if I was sitting on it. Somehow, I was able to restrain myself and instead made an inarticulate noise that came out somewhere between a growl and a moan. “I don’t. Just. Shut your mouth. And your face.”

“Sam,” Gary snapped. “Stop touching Ryan and start running.”

“I will punch your legs and leave you here for the fairies,” I threatened him, pulling my hands away from Ryan as if he’d burned me.

“Fairies?” Ryan asked incredulously.

“No,” I said. “No fairies. Just running.”

Tiggy was already taking off down the road, kicking up large plumes of dust. Gary followed him, the packs on his back rattling and bouncing.

“Fairies, Sam,” Ryan said.

I was too busy running to even think of something to say, but have no fear, it would have been witty and triumphant and he would have bowed at the word play.

That and the fact that I was still stuck on limber.

Like, how bendy was he?

Could he touch the ground with his hands without bending his knees?

That was an image that wasn’t going to leave my head.

It showed the true depths of my talent that I was able to multitask in such a way to be running from certain imprisonment while also fantasizing about Ryan saying things like “I’ve always wanted to try and do the splits. On your cock.”

Running with a boner is no fun. Trust me on that.

Fortunately for me, I didn’t have to do it very long.

Because I stepped into a fairy ring.

Like a douchebag.

“Goddammit,” I muttered, rubbing my forehead where I’d struck a seemingly invisible wall. I looked down and saw a circle of purple mushrooms surrounding me.

I looked farther down the path. Gary and Tiggy were stuck in their own fairy rings.

Ryan, on the other hand, had a large tree bending toward him, wrapping its limbs around his arms, holding them above his head. It’d happened so fast, he hadn’t been able to even reach for his sword.

“So,” he said.

“Don’t.”

“This is what it feels like to be captured with Sam of Wilds.”

“Shut it.”

“No, seriously. I wondered how quickly this would happen. I honestly expected it to at least take a full day.”

“I hope you get splinters in your wrist,” I told him. “Like big ones that get right under the skin and are a bitch to get out.”

“No, but does everyone want to imprison you?” he asked. “Because it sure seems like everyone wants to imprison you.”

“Yes,” Gary called back from farther down the road. “Everyone does. Sam has a tendency to piss people off when he talks. Or breathes. Or exists.”

“Hey! No. That is not even remotely true. I am adored. Maybe not universally. But by some people.”

“Like your parents,” Gary said.

“And me,” Tiggy said.

“Thank you, Tiggy,” I said. “You are a true friend and the feeling is mutual. Unlike, say, the feelings I have for the other two people on our adventure team.”

“Really?” Gary said. “Enlighten me, Sam. Just what kind of feelings do you have for Ryan?” A pause, a hesitation, the longest fucking three seconds in the history of time. “And me?”

“There are at least thirteen ways I could see your life ending in the next four minutes,” I told him. “Three of them involve lava.”

“The youth of today,” he said, shaking his head. “With your bows and arrows and magic fingers and attitude. I worry about the future, especially if you’re all going to be so indifferently bloodthirsty.”

“Uh, guys?” Ryan said.

“Bloodthirsty?” I said to Gary. “If I’m that way, it’s only because you made me that way.”

“Seriously. Guys?”

“Me?” Gary said. “If anything, I am the sunlight in your otherwise darkened world. I bring you the light to chase away the maelstrom that is your soul.”

“Pretty sure the tree is taking me away.”

“Sunlight?” I laughed. “Please. You’re so lucky you have me. I tell you sex puns, which everyone knows are the highest form—”

“Uh, newsflash, Sam. No one thinks they are the highest form of humor.”

“Yes, the tree is definitely taking me into the forest. Don’t know why. It would be nice if someone acknowledged me. Is this wind-rape? I feel like this is going to be like wind-rape.”

“Hi, Ryan!” Tiggy called out.

“You lied to me?” I screeched at Gary. “All this time I thought I was being humorously sophisticated and you were lying?”

“Tiggy! Thank the gods. This tree is trying to pull me into the Dark Woods. I can’t get loose. Tell Sam to pay attention.”

“Hi, Ryan!” Tiggy waved.

“You should see your face right now,” Gary said to me. “You look like a tomato with a hole in it. Because that hole is your mouth. And it’s open. And you’re red. Okay, that wasn’t the best analogy, but it was the best I could come up with and the tree is kidnapping Ryan.” He looked over my shoulder with wide eyes.

“What?” I turned around. Sure enough, the tree was pulling Ryan into the Dark Woods. “What are you doing?” I shouted after him. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Seriously?” he snapped. “I’m getting molested by trees and you’re yelling at me?”

“Hmm,” I said with a sniff. “No need to be all sensitive about it. It was just a question.”

“Hey, Sam?” Gary said. “I’m pretty sure the mushrooms around Tiggy and me are moving.”

“They’re what?” I asked. “Are you sure you didn’t just eat them? Gary, I told you that you can’t go around eating whatever mushrooms you see. That’s what happened last time and you were tripping balls for a week. You got into a fight with an imaginary duck named Hector who you said was homophobic.”

“He kept calling me a fruitcake!”

“He wasn’t real and now my mushrooms are moving.” And they were. The fairy ring around my feet was shifting. The mushrooms had uprooted themselves and were hopping toward the forest, keeping the circle perfectly intact. I felt the edge of the circle at my back and tried to press against it to keep the mushrooms in place, but the magic in them (earth and forest and green green green) was overriding my own, pushing it farther and farther down. I pushed my back against the invisible wall behind me. My feet skidded in the dirt. There was no give. The circle never faltered. The mushrooms kept moving into the woods.

“Well, shit,” I said. “I am truly annoyed now.”

“Yeah,” Ryan called from farther in the woods. “So sorry for you. I’m pretty sure this tree is passing me off to another tree that is not as discerning about personal space. I don’t know that I’ve ever been groped by a forest before.”

What made that truly bothersome was the sharp little curl of jealousy I felt at that. Yes, I can freely admit that I was jealous of a tree bad-touching Knight Commander Ryan Foxheart.

Gary said, “Doesn’t that happen pretty much wherever you go?”

“I don’t ask for it,” he said back. “People just… touch.”

“Maybe you should ask it to buy you dinner first,” I sniped.

Gary knew me well enough. “Sam, it’s just a tree.”

“Shut up, Gary!”

“No, tree!” Ryan suddenly shouted. “You don’t get to touch that!”

The blood rushed in my ears. I wanted to touch that.

“Thank the gods we got nonsexual mushrooms,” Gary said.

“No bad-touch,” Tiggy said, frowning down at his fairy circle.

“Okay, the next tree isn’t touching my junk yet,” Ryan said.

“We don’t need a play by play,” I said hoarsely.

“You okay, Sam?” Gary asked evilly. “You sound out of breath.”

I tried to call upon my magic to light Gary on fire, but the fairy circle was too strong. Maybe if I was as old as Morgan or had more control than I did, I’d be able to do something about it.

And, of course, that traitorous little voice in my head said that maybe if I had my cornerstone well in place, this wouldn’t be an issue. That was a thought I banished to the farthest recesses of my mind.

“What is this?” Ryan said, sounding closer than he had before. I looked over and could see him through the forest, arms still above his head, tree limbs groaning as they moved him slowly forward.

“Dimitri,” Gary sighed.

“Who is Dimitri?”

“Ha-ha,” I said weakly. “So, funny story. There are fairies? In the Dark Woods. And I might have pissed off their king.”

There was silence. Then, “Of course you did.”

I scowled at him even though he couldn’t see me. “It wasn’t my fault! He wanted to marry me and I told him I didn’t see him like that and he got mad!”

“Yeah,” Gary muttered. “Because that’s the whole story.”

“Close enough!”

“Everything wants to have sex with you,” Ryan said in disbelief. “Literally everything.”

“That tree didn’t,” I reminded him. “That was all you. Way to go. You got wood.”

“Ha!” Tiggy said. “Puns.”

“Not funny,” Ryan said. “I’m still traumatized. There were… leaves. Near my… you know.”

“Your cock?” Gary asked. “Dick? Your dong? Man tube? Baby maker? Your balls and chain?”

“Gary!” I said as I stepped over a fallen tree.

“Sorry. Your penis. Jeez. Prude.”

“Just how mad is this Dimitri?” Ryan asked.

Oh. That. “Um. Very? Like, I might have led him on in hopes of escaping? And then left him at the altar?”

“What?” Ryan said.

“Fairy weddings work very fast,” I said. “One minute I was minding my own business doing absolutely nothing in the Dark Woods and the next I was wearing flowers in my hair while a fairy named Harry was asking me to recite my vows.”

“Your vows,” Ryan said and great. We were back to that repeating thing again.

“I forgot about those,” Gary said with a snort. It came out as purple this time, but was muted because of the fairy ring. “You made them up off the top of your head while trying to figure out how we were going to get away.”

“It lovely,” Tiggy said. “Pretty words.”

“So, let me get this straight,” Ryan said. “You entered into the Dark Woods again, knowing that Morgan told you to avoid them. You’ve been attacked by Dark wizards in said woods and now you are telling me you almost got gay fairy married to a fairy named Dimitri by a fairy named Harry. And you still go into them. All the time.”

“Yes. But, to be fair, all those other things happened way on the other side of the Dark Woods, so you really can’t fault me for thinking they wouldn’t happen here.”

“I’m coming under the impression that these things happen no matter where you go.”

“That’s… pretty much true,” Gary said.

“Shut up, Gary,” I growled.

“Mean. Just for that, I’m going to recite your wedding vows.”

“Oh my gods.”

“Dearest Dimitri. I’ve known you but for three minutes, but my heart beats in my chest just for you.”

“Gary, I swear to the gods, stop talking.”

“Gary, please continue,” Ryan said, and I despised him.

“You are a fairy and I am a man. A wizard, but a man nonetheless. Our worlds couldn’t be more different, but please believe me when I say I love you just as much as I love standing here against my will.”

Ryan choked out a laugh, and I wished a tree would bad-touch him again.

“All my life I’ve searched for someone like you. Only you’re better. Because you have wings. That are shiny. So. Good job on that. Your parents must be proud. Oh? What’s that? Your parents are dead? And they died horribly just three months ago? Oh. My bad. Dude. Seriously. So my bad. That was not cool. Can we go back to the love part?”

I buried my face in my hands. How he remembered this word for word, I’ll never know. And why did everyone who did impressions of me do my voice so shrill? It was insulting.

“The love part. Here we are. Together. You and I. And we’re getting dude-hitched. To each other. Because this is my life. And I couldn’t run away. Even if I wanted to. So I guess this will be a thing. Forever. Lucky me. I’m not stalling, I just have so many words to say to you. Like, you are fun. For someone who took me prisoner and is now forcing me to marry him. So fun. I have to wrap it up? Rude. Okay. In conclusion, I’m super happy about this. And you are awesome. And I’m so glad Gary is laughing at me. The bastard. Tiggy, you are my only favorite. The end.”

“Gary?”

“Yes, Sam?”

“Your death will not come easy. There will be pain as I choke the life out of you.”

“Kinky. I’m down.”

“How did you get away?” Ryan asked.

I shrugged. “Gary got free and kicked some fairies, and we ran.”

He gaped at me.

“It was daring,” I said.

“I don’t even know what to say to that,” Ryan said. “I don’t even know what to say to any of this. You and I have been talking, actually talking, for a little over three weeks. And in those three weeks, we’ve been attacked twice, a dragon came to the city and knocked you through a building, and now we’re going to meet your ex to whom you almost gay fairy married. How are you even a real person?”

“Hey,” I growled. “He’s not my ex. And you didn’t talk to me for like two of those three weeks, so you can shut your mouth. And it wasn’t a building. It was a shed.”

“I was busy.” The trees were bringing him closer to me. He was scowling. It was unfair how hot his scowl was. When I scowled, I looked constipated.

“Yeah, that must be it. Busy like a champ.”

“That doesn’t even make sense!”

“You don’t even make sense!”

“I hate it when Mommy and Daddy fight,” Gary said to Tiggy.

The trees stopped moving Ryan when he was three feet away from me.

“Who Mommy?” Tiggy asked, eyeing us both.

Gary rolls his eyes. “Duh. Ryan. Obviously.”

“Ha!” I crowed. “You’re the mother!”

“Whatever,” he muttered. “I’d be a great mom. I’d mom like a champ. Wait. What the hell? How do you get me involved in these conversations?”

“Uh, easy? You open your mouth and respond. Not a hard concept. Even for a meathead knight like yourself.”

“You just wait until this tree lets me go. I’m so gonna—”

And I never really got to find out how he was going to finish that sentence. In my deep and disturbing fantasies, he was so gonna fuck me into next week and we would have babies and buy a farm in the country, and I’d get to wear a really big sunhat while I plucked vine-ripened tomatoes from the garden.

But he never got to finish that sentence because we were surrounded by fairies.

“Balls,” I muttered, watching my dreams of a sunhat disappear in front of me.

“Sam?”

“Yes, Ryan?”

“Why is there a six-inch-tall angry naked man with wings flying in front of your face? And why are we surrounded by even more tiny fluttering naked men?”

I sighed. “Because this is what my life has become. Ryan, meet Dimitri, king of the Dark Woods fairies. Dimitri, this is Knight Commander Ryan Foxheart.”

Ryan’s eyes bulged. “This is your ex?”

“He’s not my ex,” I grumbled. I looked up at Dimitri. He really was tiny. And naked. It was so very awkward. His wings fluttered rapidly, and his creamy skin was flushed with anger. He had a shaved head and the tiniest mustache in the world. He would have been delightful if not for the fact that I was pretty sure he wanted to murder me. “Heeeeey, Dimitri. Long time no see. How you been, buddy?”

“Sam,” he said stiffly, and I’d forgotten just how high-pitched his voice was. It sounded like he was squeaking. I tried to keep my lips from quirking because he was angry and it sounded hysterical. “How nice it is to see you again. And you are so my ex.”

“Oh my gods,” Ryan gasped, like he was trying not to laugh. “This is amazing. I am having such a good time right now. Huzzah. Huzzahs all around.”

Dimitri and I both glared at him.

He didn’t look repentant in the slightest.

“What brings you to these parts?” Dimitri asked me.

“Your magic mushrooms,” I told him. “They sort of forced us here. Except for Ryan. Ryan was flirting with the trees.”

“I was not—”

“Is he always this loud?” Dimitri asked, frowning at Ryan. “He seems loud, even for a human.”

The other fairies grumbled their agreement.

“He’s usually pretty loud,” I agreed. “He has to be. He’s a knight commander. It’s dashing and immaculate.”

“Oh?” Dimitri asked. “So he’s the reason you couldn’t get married.”

And what the fuck? “That is so not even close to being a real thing.”

But Dimitri ignored me. He flew up to Ryan and hovered near his face. Ryan arched an eyebrow at him.

“I’ve heard of you,” Dimitri said, poking Ryan in the cheek. “You are supposed to be some big to-do. I’ll be honest. I’m a little disappointed.”

“Trust me,” Ryan said. “The feeling is not mutual. When Sam told me about you, I was expecting something completely different. This is so much better.”

“He talked about me, did he?” Dimitri turned and leered at me.

“Oh gross,” I muttered.

“I could see why,” Dimitri said, looking back at Ryan. “Especially if you’re the competition.”

“No competition,” I said loudly. “None. There is no competing.”

“See?” Dimitri said. “You’ve already lost.”

Ryan snorted. “Yeah, I don’t think so. My cock is bigger than your whole entire being.”

And. Just. What.

The fairies started tittering loudly.

Dimitri scowled. “It’s not the size. It’s what you do with it.”

“And I can do many things with it,” Ryan said wickedly. “Many, many things.”

“Please, can I have some, please,” I whispered, though no one heard me.

Dimitri poked Ryan’s nose. “Listen, human. Just because you’re jealous of the love Sam and I share—”

“Love?” I squeaked, sounding like Dimitri. “There is no love.”

The fairies all turned to me.

Oh shit. “Uh. There may be a mutual appreciation of each other’s willingness to avoid maiming or death?” I said.

“This is going so well,” Gary said.

“It is?” Tiggy asked.

“No,” Gary said. “Tiggy, the next thing we are going to work on is sarcasm. You’ve gone far too long without knowing how to use it. It shall be remedied and you will be the most sarcastic half-giant in all of Verania and it will be glorious.”

“Pretty Gary,” Tiggy said fondly. He tried to reach out and pet Gary, but his hand knocked into the invisible wall that rose around him from the fairy ring. His brow furrowed and I knew it was only a matter of time before Tiggy got pissed off. No one got between him and Gary when he wanted to pet the unicorn.

“There’s love,” Dimitri insisted. “You just don’t know about it yet.”

“Ah,” Gary said. “That kind of love. Because that makes sense.”

Dimitri sighed like Gary was the most annoying thing that had ever existed. “If your kind wasn’t considered sacred, I’d let my people eat you.”

Gary preened. “Sam. Sam. I’m sacred.”

“Thanks for that,” I told Dimitri. “I will never, ever hear the end of it.”

Dimitri ignored me as he flew back to Ryan and started poking his face again. “I will fight you for him. A duel to win the heart of the wizard.”

“Apprentice,” Gary whispered.

Ryan rolled his eyes at Dimitri. “It would be more intimidating if your penis wasn’t pressing against my cheek.”

“So much sass,” I told Gary and Tiggy. “He uses it like he invented it. Which, to be fair, I think he might have.”

“He’s not that sassy,” Gary grumbled.

Another fairy flew up and whispered in Dimitri’s ear. Dimitri’s eyes narrowed with whatever the fairy was telling him.

“You’re engaged,” Dimitri finally said. “To the Grand Prince of Verania.”

And there went all my fun fantasies again for the day.

“I am,” Ryan allowed. He glanced at me like there was supposed to be a reaction. I kept my face blank.

“So you have no claim over Sam of Wilds,” Dimitri said, sounding triumphant.

Ryan cocked his head. “More so than you do.”

The mask slipped. “Hey!” I snapped. “I’m standing right here. I’m not a prize to be won.” I winced. “Oh my gods, that sounded awful to say out loud.” I looked at Gary, who was openly laughing at me. “For fuck’s sake.”

“I’m not a prize to be won,” he gasped out. “That was so awesome. You go, girl. Get down with your bad self and preach. We don’t need no mens. We are fierce and hear Sam of Wilds roar.” He puffed out his chest and pranced in place in his fairy ring.

“You’re a tool,” I said, feeling my face turn red.

“You just told everyone you’re not a prize to be won,” he pointed out. “You win the tool award. In fact, you are the tool award.”

“You can be my prize,” Dimitri said, slinking through the air back over to me. He made sure not to cross into the fairy ring because he knew full well I’d crush him like a bug.

“That’s not doing for me what you think it’s doing for me,” I told him. “Probably quite the opposite in fact. Dimitri, you know you and I wouldn’t work. You’re a fairy who lives in the Dark Woods, and I like not being in the Dark Woods. Or gay fairy married.”

“That’s a lie, and you know it,” Ryan said.

“I will keep you satisfied,” Dimitri said with a leer. “I may be small, but there are things I can do with my tongue that you wouldn’t believe.” He flew a little bit closer. “Sexual things.”

“That’s a kind offer,” I said, trying not to insult him by grimacing. “Really. But I’m okay.”

“Perhaps,” he said, waggling his eyebrows, “a little demonstration?”

“No thank you,” I said. “I’m all about true love. And not having sex with you.”

“If we could just—”

“He said no,” Ryan growled. “Back off.”

Dimitri looked over at Ryan, who was glowering at the king of fairies. He brought up a hand to stroke his tiny mustache (and I had to bite back awwing in his general direction because it was just so little) and said, “Oh. This makes much more sense now.”

“What does?” I asked.

“This,” he said, motioning between Ryan and me. “You know. The thing.”

I was bewildered. “What thing?”

Dimitri looked at Gary. “Is he serious?”

“Unfortunately,” Gary said. “It’s so awkward. It makes you wonder about the future of Verania.”

“I am so lost,” I said to Ryan, who was refusing to meet my gaze.

“Me too,” Ryan said.

Tiggy snorted and said, “Oh, Knight Delicious Face.”

Another fairy flew up, carrying a spear and wearing a helmet and not much else. I thought about asking why he had armor on his head and not his balls, but I didn’t think that was proper etiquette while being held prisoner by the Dark Woods fairies. “What shall we do with them, my lord?” he asked Dimitri. “Should we kill them?”

“No killing,” I said. “No killing would be amazing.” Because fairies could be vicious little things. They looked humanish, but they were filled with forest magic, and once the façade dropped, they were all teeth and claws and would swarm until there was nothing left but bits of shiny bone. “Come on, Dimitri. For old time’s sake. Buddy. Pal of mine. You owe me.”

“And how do you figure that?” he asked, eyes flashing purple.

“The whole kidnapping me and trying to make me your fairy bride? That’s a good place to start.”

“You said vows before your unicorn kicked twenty of my people in the face!”

“That might have not been my best move,” I admitted. “But, to be fair, you didn’t leave me with much of a choice. Hey. Hey. Look at me. What’s going on? Huh? Little guy? Why don’t you marry one of these fine-looking fairies?” I pointed out the hundred or so naked men fluttering nearby.

“It’s just not the same,” he said with a sigh. “I have a size kink.”

I coughed. “You have a what now?”

He shrugged. “I like them big.”

I grinned at Gary. “You hear that? I’m big.”

“Pretty sure he was talking about your actual size and not your dick, honeybunch,” Gary said, sounding bored. “Tone it down. I’m embarrassed for you.”

“I’m huge,” I told Dimitri. “Gargantuan.”

“Average,” Gary said. “I’ve seen it.”

“A little support would be awesome,” I said through gritted teeth.

“Oh my goodness,” Gary said, voice sugary sweet. “He’s ginormous. The first time I saw it, I was, like, is that your third leg? Are you some kind of three-legged human monstrosity?”

“Don’t listen to him,” I told Dimitri. “He’s an ass. You can keep him if you want. He has to weigh at least a thousand pounds.”

“Sam!” Gary shrieked at me. “How dare you!”

Dimitri flew over to Gary and started looking him up and down. “He’s got a point. We should totally get married. You could be my fairy queen.”

Gary’s ears perked up. “A queen, you say? Well. You never said anything about being a queen.”

“No, Gary,” Tiggy said sternly. “You no fairy queen. You Sam and Tiggy’s queen.”

Ah gods, my heart. “I really want to hug you right now,” I told Tiggy. “Dimitri, drop the damn fairy rings. I need to hug Tiggy because of feelings.”

Dimitri sighed and snapped his fingers. The mushrooms grew dim and I felt my magic come roaring back. Gary and I crashed into Tiggy at the same time, and his big hands came up to the backs of our heads and held us close.

“I can’t believe you said my weight out loud,” Gary hissed at me.

“I can’t believe you said my penis was average,” I hissed right back.

“If the penis shoe fits,” he said.

“What? That doesn’t even… penis shoe? Like a shoe. For your penis.”

“Shut up,” he grumbled, rubbing his forehead against Tiggy’s chest. “I have had a very trying and emotional last seventeen minutes and I can’t be bothered to be my usual witty and wonderful self.”

“How do you explain the rest of the time, then?”

“As touching as this is,” Dimitri said from behind us, “I would rather get this over with.”

I let go of Tiggy and turned back toward the fairies. Ryan still had his arms held up by the tree. I tried not to notice the flex of his arms or how totally awesome it would be to have him tied up like that so I could do whatever I wanted and—

“Stop thinking sex thoughts,” Gary whispered.

“I wasn’t,” I whispered back.

“Liar. You had your sex face going on.”

“I don’t even want to know what that looks like.”

“Like your jaw came unhinged and you might start to drool.”

“So… attractive, right?”

“That’s not the word I would have used.”

“Get what over with?” I said to Dimitri.

“The reason why you’re here,” he said, “in the Dark Woods. They don’t seem to be a safe place for you anymore.”

I cocked my head at him, picking and choosing my next words carefully. There was something here that I was missing. The air seemed to have shifted. It felt cooler now. “We’re here because it’s a shorter route to get to Meridian City.”

Dimitri’s eyes flashed again. They were almost violet. “And what business have you there?”

“You know, don’t you,” I said. “Something.”

Dimitri flew up closer to my face. He smiled, and it was a dark thing. “I know many things. I am the king of this forest. Nothing happens here without me knowing.”

“Then tell me,” I said, “what you know.”

He shook his head. “That’s not how this works, apprentice. You know that as well as I do.”

“Oh, we’re back to apprentice now?” I asked lightly. “No more Sam?”

“There are whispers,” he said. “In the trees. In the darkest part of the forests.”

Something prickled across my skin, almost like I was chilled. “And what do they whisper?”

“The Darks seem to have an unhealthy fascination with you,” he said, ignoring my question. “Do you know why that is?”

“One of their own took us to a cave,” I said. “In the eastern Dark Woods. All of us went in. He never walked out.”

“We heard,” Dimitri said. “Those that die in the Dark Woods tend to leave a bit of themselves behind. He echoed. He darkled. He was nothing but blood and bones when they found him.”

“Tiggy tends to get overzealous when his friends are threatened,” I said coolly.

“So you say. But you just don’t know, do you?” He looked back over his shoulder and said something in the tongue of the fairies. It came out low and guttural, almost like grunts. The cadence was stilted and staccato. As soon as he fell silent, the other fairies spread their wings, alighting from the trees and bushes and flowers. They spun in a leisurely circle around us. I felt something crawl along my magic. I felt soft. Dully muted. Tiggy growled low in his throat and tensed behind me. Gary came to my side, eyelids heavy. Ryan didn’t seem to be affected, worry darting along his face.

“What is this?” I asked, sounding slow and quiet.

“To keep our palaver secret,” he said. “You can’t be too careful these days. The trees hear everything.”

“But you’re their guardians,” I said. “Why would they betray you?”

He grinned. His teeth were sharp. “Who said anything about betrayal?”

I said nothing.

“You look for the Grand Prince,” he said. “He was taken, was he not?”

“You sound as if you already know,” I said. “Why ask?”

“Formalities,” he said.

“Games,” I corrected.

His smile widened. “Are you sure you won’t rethink that proposal? The conversation alone is stimulating.”

I shook my head, trying to ignore just how stimulated he seemed to be. It’s never okay to have a tiny man flying around with his erection near your face. “You deserve someone who can give you all you need. I can’t do that.”

The bravado faltered a bit. “I knew you were different,” he said. “The first time you came into the woods. I could have taken you then. You were just a boy. I could have taken you away from the human world and raised you how I wanted you to be. Molded you to be something more than you are.”

“I’m thinking you need to back up,” Ryan said, voice hard. “Right now.”

Dimitri paid him no mind. “But I let you grow. In the world of men. Where they are cold and careless and plot the most calculating plots they can to ensure their survival. They think only for themselves and not about the suffering of others. You see, Sam, it’s only about power.”

I thought back to Morgan and the way he’d evaded my questions. “What is it?” I asked, curious.

“Your Prince was taken by a dragon, yes?”

This wasn’t guarded information. It was all the City of Lockes could speak of in the days before we’d set out. “He was,” I said.

“And now you journey to bring him back,” Dimitri said. “His knight and his would-be wizard.”

“That’s the plan.”

“Don’t you wonder, though?”

Games, games, games. “About what?”

“About where it came from. Why now?”

I wanted to play his game too. “You would have experience with dragons, wouldn’t you?”

He looked agitated. “Careful, apprentice.”

“The Great White. I’ve heard the stories. Tell me. When did you last see him?”

“He is not your concern,” Dimitri said. “Gods have little time for mortal men.”

“But he’s not a god,” I said. “His clock ticks just like yours and mine. It may tick slower and longer, but it still ticks.”

“He’s not—”

“You haven’t seen him, have you?” I said.

Dimitri was silent.

“Is he dead? Is that why this new dragon is here?”

“No one understands the minds and wills of dragons,” Dimitri said.

“Including you.”

Dimitri’s smile returned. “The Dark Woods are deep. I can see far.”

“How far?”

“Your human mind could never understand.”

Dealing with fairies was an exercise in frustration. Everything went in misshapen circles. “Specifics.”

“I am specific. You’re just choosing not to listen.”

“And you’re choosing to speak in vague riddles.”

“The dragon is north,” he said. There was a bitter set to his jaw. “Where the Dark Woods end before the mountains rise. In the hills there is a keep, long forgotten. The road from Meridian City will lead you there. When you reach the village of Tarker Mills, head toward the mountains. There is a valley. You shall find your keep there.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Why would you help us?”

“You demand answers and when I give them, you question me?” he asked.

“You never do anything without a price, Dimitri.”

He laughed. “This is true. A bit of advice.”

I waited.

“Stay out of the Dark Woods. There are things far worse than myself.”

“I’m not afraid. Of you or anything else. I have proven time and time again that I am more than capable of handling myself.” I turned to glare at Gary and Tiggy lest they decide to speak and make me a liar. They both just stared blankly back at me.

Dimitri flew up close. He reached out and put his hands against my cheek. “Chaos always rises from complacency. I like you, Sam. You are not like the others. I’ve always been able to see that. There is something inside of you that burns differently than anyone who has come before you. I thought to harness it for myself, but I won’t be the one to force it. But remember. The Dark Woods are known to you now. And you are known to them.”

He flew up above us into the swirling mass of the other fairies. They shimmered brightly in the afternoon sun. The tree holding Ryan released him, and the fairies disappeared into the woods, almost faster than the eye could follow.

We were left in the silence of the forest, and I felt the gold and green all around me.

I looked over at Tiggy and Gary. “What the fuck is going on?”

Gary looked into the forest. “I suppose there is a bright side. You didn’t have to get gay fairy married.”