CHAPTER 5

I Don’t Want to Dance with
Your Dead Grandma’s Ashes

 

 

“YOU KNEW about this?” I seethed at Morgan after dragging him out of the throne room, Gary and Tiggy trailing behind me. “Are you out of your fucking mind?”

“I am positive I have no idea what you speak of,” Morgan said. “And even if I did, you were the one that said tonight was going to be all about you.”

“What happened?” Tiggy asked.

“The King wants Sam to get covered in man juice,” Gary said.

“Oh,” Tiggy said. “Your flower gonna get eaten?”

“Nobody is taking my flower!”

“And no one ever will if you keep calling it that,” Gary pointed out.

“Not the time,” I growled. I turned my glare back to Morgan. “You. You. You are in so much trouble, I don’t even have words for how much trouble you’re in.”

“And yet, you seem to be finding enough words for all of us,” Morgan said.

“I am not in the mood for your shenanigans!”

Morgan sighed. “Is it really that bad? The King just wants you to be happy. He’s pleased with what Justin has, and you know he thinks of you as family. He wants the same for you.”

“What about you? You’ve been his wizard for his entire reign. And for his father’s. Why don’t you have to do it?”

Morgan shrugged. “Simple. I’m asexual.”

I blinked. “What?”

“Asexual. I don’t find the act of sex appealing. I’d much rather have the emotional connections I do have, not the intimate ones I do without.”

I nodded. “Yep. Sounds good. I’m asexual too. Let’s go announce that right now so this whole night will be over and done with.” I made to march back into the throne room, but Morgan snagged me by the collar and pulled me back in.

“You’re not asexual, Sam.”

“Don’t judge me! You can’t tell me how to live my life! Let me spread my beautiful wings so I can fly.”

“He’s not asexual,” Gary told Morgan. “He has wet dreams and moans dirty things about chest hair.”

“That was one time.” Okay, more like six times.

“More like six times,” Gary said, and I decided we seriously needed to set up some personal boundaries.

“You vile betrayer.”

“Ryan Foxheart naked while lying in a vat of fruit and cream,” Gary said.

“Whoa,” I breathed, because whoa. Then I shook my head. “Dammit.”

“It was way too easy,” Gary said.

“And did you know about that?” I demanded of Morgan.

“No,” Morgan said quietly. “Sam, I would never do that to you. I know that… certain feelings… run deeper than others. I was just as surprised as you. By right, the King does not need to seek my counsel in everything.”

“Pfft,” I scoffed. “Feelings. I don’t have feelings.”

I had so many feelings. None of them were good.

And then Morgan hugged me, which was such a rare and absurd thing that I had no choice but to hug him right back. He said, “I won’t force you, Sam. I told myself a long time ago that nothing for you would ever be forced. But sometimes, for the good of the Kingdom, we must make decisions we do not like. So, we can either walk and hide away in the labs, or you can stand tall and true and show all of those people in there that Sam of Wilds is not a man to be caught and tamed.”

“You eloquent bastard,” I groaned.

 

 

SO I did. I fixed a smile on my face and entered the throne room.

The crowds were merry and jovial, people laughing and eating and drinking. The drinking part sounded awesome, and I decided that should be a priority. For the rest of the night.

Until I bumped into a solid wall of men.

“Is this a line for the buffet?” I asked Gary.

“That’s one way of putting it,” he said. “If you’re the buffet.”

“Oh my goodness,” I whispered because he was right. They were all lined up in front of me, patiently waiting for me to address the first in line so they could all get their turns. There had to at least be twenty guys waiting to talk to me.

“So much alcohol is needed in my mouth right now,” I muttered.

“On it,” Gary said, leaving Morgan to act as a chaperone. Apparently, being twenty years old meant nothing. My position required an elder to watch me at all times in courting situations. Which was as stupid as it sounds.

“Um, hi?” I said to the first guy in line, because they were obviously not going to leave me alone and I wanted to get this over with. He was tall and muscular with a scar going from his chin to his ear that I supposed made him look rather dashing. Too bad he was eyeing me like a piece of meat.

“Sam of Wilds,” he purred, taking my hand and kissing it as he bowed. I thought I felt the flash of tongue. “I would be honored if I could be your first… dance.” And then he winked. I guess it was meant to be playful and seductive, but I was pretty sure I was being molested.

“Okay, Captain Bad-Touch,” I said, pulling my hand back. “That’s quite enough of that.”

He stepped forward and started to crowd me, and I rolled my eyes, because really? Really? I smiled sweetly up at him and said, “You do realize that I can turn your dick into so much running pus with just a flick of my wrist, right?” I actually really couldn’t, but he didn’t know that.

His eyes widened, and he took a step back.

“I don’t want to dance with you because you’re kind of rapey,” I said. “It’s the eyes.”

Morgan snorted from somewhere behind me.

Captain Bad-Touch left with an angry look on his face, muttering something about me being an uptight bitch.

Rude.

The second, third, and fourth guys in line all tried to give me presents.

Morgan choked behind me as the third guy handed me his late grandmother’s ashes and said, “I want you to have her because after we get married, it will be the three of us, and I want you to get used to the weight of her since she’ll always be around.”

“You are so epically strange,” I told him.

He grinned at me and told me his grandmother liked to waltz, so she’d be dancing with us too. But then he seemed to get jealous of me and said he really didn’t like it when other people danced with her.

I gave him back his grandmother and said that I didn’t want to come between them, and maybe it was better if they just danced with each other. He nodded, looking relieved.

I made a mental note to find King Anthony later and kick his royal ass.

Gary came back with a bottle of apple wine and pulled me away from the crowd. I liked Gary again. I liked him even more after I slammed back two mugs full of the wine. I told him as much as Tiggy and my parents joined us.

He huffed and said, “You are such a lightweight.”

I laughed because he was the funniest unicorn I knew.

He reminded me he was the only unicorn I knew.

I asked if I could meet his parents, and somehow that led to a ten-minute conversation about the swingers trip his parents were on, and I told him I didn’t want to swing with his parents because I didn’t want to end up being Gary’s stepmother. I also told my parents that if I ever heard of them swinging, I would send them to the dungeons.

Mom told me she wouldn’t even dream of it because she didn’t want to poop in a bucket. This, of course, led to reminiscing about the good old days. Until I got distracted by something shiny.

“A man licked my hand,” I told my mom and dad as the wine proceeded to loosen my lips.

Dad grimaced and said, “That doesn’t sound very comfortable.”

“If you had tried to lick my hand when you courted me, I would have had mamia throw you into a fire,” Mom told him.

“So violent,” I whispered. My parents were hardcore.

“Which one?” Tiggy asked. “I smash him.”

“Everyone I love would kill for me,” I announced loudly.

The men waiting in line winced. I heard a loud bark of laughter above the sounds of the feast and saw the King sitting with Justin and Ryan. Justin was smiling at his father, and Ryan was watching Justin. I was too far away to tell, but it was probably with love and adoration and he totally couldn’t wait to get married to Justin and have his babies, who would end up being the most beautiful creatures to ever exist. They would end up taking over all of Verania and putting all the less beautiful people into camps where they’d be forced to do hard work like chopping down trees and peeling potatoes.

“And I just said all of that out loud, didn’t I?” I asked when I saw my little band of misfits staring at me. They nodded and so I said, “Crap. I don’t even care. Look! I’m good. I have tight pants and great hair. Nothing else matters.” They were completely convinced even as I slurred my words.

“Maybe hold back on the wine for a bit?” Morgan said, taking the third cup away.

“Thank you for telling me about your asexuality,” I told him seriously. “You are like my sun and moon and I want you to know we can share everything with each other. Since you told me a secret, I will tell you one. I was making stuff up that first day when I said Flora Bora Slam.”

“You don’t say.”

“Totally off the top of my head. I know it sounded believable, but I can’t go on anymore without telling you I had no idea what I was doing.”

I saw his lips twitch. “Lightweight.”

“I make you smile,” I said in awe. “I’m going to be great at wooing Ry—a man. A man who is not a knight. And who knows I exist and appreciates my qualities and face.”

“You have your work cut out for you,” he assured me, turning me back around and pushing me toward the crowd.

“Yes, yes. Wouldn’t want to disappoint the future Mrs. Sam of Wilds. Hello, boys! Daddy’s back. You may all sigh in relief as one.”

They did not sigh in relief as one. Some looked rather scared.

Being drunk made everything easier.

And I suppose it didn’t hurt that the next guy in line was better than all the ones before. His name was Todd and he was an earl or a duke or something, and he said, “I would ask you to dance, but I don’t know how to dance, so maybe we can just stand near each other and talk awkwardly.”

I gaped at him. “Dude. Way to down sell and keep expectations realistic.”

He shrugged nervously. “It’s better than upselling and tripping on your feet.”

He had big ears that stuck out. His hair was brown and his eyes were brown and his freckles were brown, and I told him all of this because I felt like he should know.

He said he was well aware.

I said, “Now we have to dance.”

The blood drained from his face. “You’re not going to send me away like the others?”

“Do you want me to?”

He gulped. “Maybe? Because awkward talking I can do. What if I accidentally trip and fall and knock you down and then you turn me into a rambunctious tea cozy?”

“Oh my gods,” I said.

“You could!”

“You’re scared of me!”

“Um, yes? A lot of people are scared of you. You’re pretty intimidating.”

I looked at Morgan, who I just knew was dreading what was coming. “I’m a scary badass motherfucker,” I told him proudly.

Morgan sighed. “Yes, yes. Very much so.”

I glanced back at Todd. “I promise I won’t curse you to suffer Black Death or become a rambunctious tea cozy. While you’re stepping on my feet, you can tell me all the stories people tell about me.”

Todd said, “Oh no.”

 

 

IT DIDN’T hurt that Gary snuck me more apple wine while Morgan wasn’t looking.

“Just don’t throw up on anyone,” he warned me.

“Sometimes I just want to blow raspberries on your stomach to hear you neigh,” I replied.

“Please don’t tell anyone else that tonight,” he said.

“Not even Captain Bad-Touch?”

“Especially not Captain Bad-Touch.”

“I’m going to go dance,” I whisper-shouted at him.

So, of course, as soon as the King opened the ball with a wave of his hand and the brash clang of horns, I stalked over to him, bowed as low as I could without falling over, and demanded he dance with me.

The King laughed, then removed his outer robe and took my hand, leading me to the dance floor.

“I like the ruffles on your shirt,” I told him. “But that is the only thing I like about you right now.”

He began a waltz and I was nice enough to let him lead. It was close, though.

“You’re mad,” he said with a kind smile.

“I think I just told you that.”

“I want you to be happy.”

“I am happy.” And I was. Mostly.

“Happier,” he said.

“I’m the happiest I’ve been.”

“Are you?”

“Stop. I’ve been drinking. No analyzing. Did you know a man licked my hand because you told him I wanted him to take my flower?”

The King tripped but recovered gracefully, as kings are wont to do. “I can assure you that combination of words never came out of my mouth.” He was turning slightly red.

“He still licked my hand.”

“Who was it?”

“Captain Bad-Touch. I don’t know. Scar on his face. Rapey eyes.”

“Ah. That would Duke Waller of the Outer Banks. A shame, really. He came so highly recommended.”

“I would recommend him for euthanasia,” I said. “And I don’t want to know the criteria you came up with to vet out any less desirables.”

“I did nothing of the sort,” the King said. “I just had your stats and the date and time of the ball written on every tavern bathroom wall within a sixty-mile radius. There was no vetting.”

“Remember that one time I laughed at a joke you told?”

He grinned at me. “I do.”

“This is not going to be like that time.”

He laughed enough for the both of us.

I bit my lip. And then opened my mouth. “Is”—Ryan—“Justin happy?”

The King’s smile softened. “I think so. Love can do that to a man. Just look at them.”

And I did. I didn’t want to, but I did. They were dancing on the other side of the floor and they moved gracefully together. They were of an even height, and I was pretty sure that Justin’s hand was almost touching Ryan’s ass, which I absolutely was not staring at. Ryan had changed out of his armor and wore white trousers and knee-high black boots, almost like he was going riding. His black jerkin stretched tight against his chest and arms. And yes, they did look happy. Mostly. Maybe. I couldn’t quite figure out the look on Ryan’s face.

Ryan must have felt us watching them because he looked over and caught my eye. He frowned again, and I looked away quickly.

“I suppose,” I eventually said.

“He makes Justin happy,” the King said. “And I hope Justin can do the same for him. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Ryan smile.”

Which, odd. Because I’d seen it a few times. Earlier that night, even. And that morning.

“I still don’t know what that has to do with me,” I said.

The King sighed. “Sam, ever since the day Morgan brought you to the castle, I knew there was something special about you. It had nothing to do with your magic or whatever Morgan thought you would one day be. It had to do with the size of your heart. You have so much to give to people and I think you sometimes hide it behind your wit and words. I want you to find that someone who makes you feel complete, who allows you to let your guard down and just be.”

“I have you,” I said honestly. “And Morgan. And my parents and Tiggy and Gary. What more could I possibly need?”

“Someone to call your own,” he said.

“I have priorities,” I said weakly.

“Do this, and I’ll agree to fund your proposal for more teachers being hired in the slums.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “You cheater.”

He smiled at me.

The King and I danced on.

 

 

AND I did dance with a few of them. The King wanted me to try, and there was no way I’d ever let him down. Not after all he’d done for me and my family.

That didn’t mean I’d let him off the hook so easily.

It was awkward and weird, and I found out I really hated dancing with strangers who were trying to get up in my business, so I filled in the silence with vivid descriptions of how we’d have at least ten kids and that I knew a spell that would allow us to get pregnant so we could take turns just popping out the ass babies. I’m pretty sure a couple of them all but ran by the time we’d finished. I waved after them.

And then Todd came over with his ears and nervousness, sputtering about how he couldn’t even fathom how ass babies would work and I thought, Okay. Okay, why not? I was drunk and reckless and why the fuck not. I looked good (mostly). I felt good (kind of). Why the fuck not?

I said, “Dance with me.” I waggled my eyebrows at him.

He flushed. “You were dancing with the King.”

“I had to. I needed to yell at him.”

He looked horrified. “You’re going to lose your head!”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, because that happens so often around here.”

“I can’t really dance. I told you this. Remember the awkwardness? It’s awkward.”

I shrugged. “Dance with me awkwardly, then.”

Maybe I thought I saw the hint of a smile. And maybe I thought it was a nice smile.

So he bowed in front of me, and I laughed at him.

He took me by the hand and led me to the floor.

From there, he seemed unsure where to put his hands.

Because I liked seeing him blush, I said, “Anywhere.”

He went full-on red, but one hand went to my back and the other gripped my fingers and we moved.

He stepped on my foot.

I said, “Well, then.”

I counted out the waltz.

He followed, staring down at our feet.

The song ended and another began, and I said, “You haven’t run away yet.”

He said, “No, sir.”

He was nineteen. His parents were in the King’s Court. His father was a businessman who owned hotels across Verania. They made lots of money.

He said, “So I can provide for you.” He wouldn’t meet my eyes as he said it.

And I laughed at him again. I told him I didn’t need to be provided for. That I didn’t want to be.

“What do you want?” he asked me curiously.

Ah. Now that was the question.

“Many things,” I said, and he left it at that.

He was a better dancer than he gave himself credit for. Mostly.

But still felt… off. Because it was so nice. Just… nice.

The alcohol buzz was dampening. Things felt a little heavier now.

A third song was about to begin when Todd said, “Shall we—”

“Mind if I cut in?”

And I froze.

Todd flushed again and sputtered, “Sure. Yes. Of course, Knight Commander. My apologies.” He disappeared as if he’d never been there at all.

Ryan Foxheart took his place.

His hand went to my waist and it burned.

His other hand took mine, and I felt every scrape of his fingers against my skin.

I could feel the heavy muscle of his arm under my touch.

This was not nice.

This was an inferno.

The music swelled.

We moved. I didn’t have to count for him.

He said, “You’ve been busy all night.” There was no smile on his face and a heat to his words.

And because I had enough of a buzz still going, I deflected and said, “Congratulations. On everything.” The words came out light and sweet.

“Thank you. You danced with him twice.”

“What?”

He moved as he always did, with beautiful precision. He was leading and I didn’t even try to fight it. “The others. You sent them away after one song.”

“Or they ran.”

His lip twitched and the skin around his eyes crinkled slightly. “Or that. But he didn’t.”

“No, Todd didn’t,” I agreed.

“Is that his name?”

“It is. He’s very nice.”

“Is he?”

“Yes.”

“Because you like nice.”

“Perhaps.”

We danced on.

“I’m not nice,” Ryan said suddenly. “Not all the time.”

“You’re a knight,” I said, because that almost meant the same thing.

“Knight Commander,” he said with a glint in his eyes.

I rolled my eyes. “I’m so impressed.”

“You don’t sound like it.”

My mind wandered. “You know, I think this is the longest conversation we’ve ever had.”

He arched an eyebrow at me, and with that single motion, a fire burned in my belly like I’d never felt before. “And whose fault is that?”

I grinned at him. “Mine. You scare me.”

“Why? Because I’m too pretty to exist in this world?” He threw my words back at me, his voice teasing and soft.

“Because you’re scary,” I managed to say.

His eyes never left mine. “Why did you dance with him twice?”

“Because he was different.”

“Why?”

“Well, for one, he didn’t lick my hand like the first guy did.”

Ryan’s hand tightened in mine. “Is that so?”

“Sure. It’s been a weird night.”

“I know.”

“You didn’t know, did you?” About the marriage, I couldn’t say.

He didn’t need to ask. He just shook his head. He said, “Todd didn’t lick your hand. Why else?”

I laughed. It felt like it was edging toward bitterness. “He told me he didn’t know how to dance. I thought it was sweet. And he didn’t run screaming after the ass babies.”

Ryan chuckled darkly. “Why sweet?”

“It was honest. When’s the wedding?”

“We haven’t decided. When are you seeing Todd again?”

I narrowed my eyes. “I never said I was.”

“Why not?” he asked, jaw set. “He’s sweet. And honest.”

I felt dizzy. “I don’t have time for such things. I have priorities. Goals to accomplish.”

“So do I,” he said, and it was like he was trying to tell me more than those three words, but I wasn’t in the mood to understand anything.

“I suppose. I guess we’ll be seeing a lot of each other.”

“That so?” he said, and I thought he pulled me closer.

“Yes,” I said and I didn’t allow my voice to drop. “I’m the apprentice to the King’s Wizard. You’re the Knight Commander of the King’s Guard. Seems as if we’ll see each other more often than not. Especially after you’re married to the future King of Verania. I will be his wizard.”

“Will you run this time?” he asked, and when had his face gotten closer? I could feel his breath on my cheek. It was hot and moist and mint and wine. “I try and I try but you run away. Every single time.”

Suddenly, I felt very out of place. Or rather, I remembered my place. My skin was too tight, and I was sweating. The song was ending, and I pulled away. He didn’t release my hand. I could hear him being called by someone and realized tonight was supposed to be about him. He needed to mingle and kiss ass and make out with his fiancé in darkened corners because he was getting married.

“Thank you for the dance, Knight Commander.” I bowed to him because rank and custom made it so.

“Dances,” he said, voice pitched so low I could feel it crawl over me. “Plural. Because we went through three waltzes. Not one. And definitely not just two.”

Oh shit.

Ryan bowed back to me. I pulled away and his fingers trailed against mine.

 

 

I NEEDED air.

The stars above were bright as I moved into the garden. Lanterns hung from metal poles, lighting the paths near the roses and the tulips.

I took a breath and let it out slowly.

Footsteps came up behind me. Of course they would follow me out here. They would follow me anywhere.

“Had to escape to hide your raging erection?” Gary asked sympathetically.

“You know,” I said, “I came across a spell in Morgan’s Grimoire. In one of those back pages for the truly evil shit? It called for the dust of unicorn bones. I’m thinking about trying it out.” I kept walking.

“If it makes you feel any better,” Gary said, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen dance fucking before. It was illuminating to see a live demonstration.”

I walked into a tree.

Tiggy and Gary laughed at me, because that’s what best friends do.

“I don’t even know what you’re talking about,” I said as I picked tree bark out of my mouth. “Todd was very nice.”

“Todd,” Gary mocked. “Yes. Todd.”

I ignored him. “Tiggy, did Morgan say when he was sending us out again?” Because being in the castle for the foreseeable future seemed like a Very Bad Idea.

“Two weeks,” Tiggy rumbled.

“That motherfucker,” I muttered. “He’s doing this on purpose.”

“Kind of like how Ryan was dancing all up in your business on purpose,” Gary said.

“You shut your mouth!”

“Dance fucking!” he hissed at me.

“I don’t even know what that is.”

“It’s when you’re all, like, dancing, but it’s so easy to tell you’d much rather be naked and dancing. And by dancing, I mean fucking.”

“That’s so stupid. And we weren’t. We were talking about his wedding and about Todd.”

“Who Todd?” Tiggy asked.

“Big ears,” Gary said. “Couldn’t dance.”

“He precious,” Tiggy said. “Turned color of strawberries at all things.”

“Yes,” I said. “He was. And maybe I just wanted to dance fuck with him, not Ryan.”

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that,” Gary said. “Todd was an appetizer. Ryan was the main course covered in dessert.”

“I thought I was the buffet?” I asked, confused.

“You were. It’s… that… okay, too many food metaphors. I’m trying to be subtle here.”

“You’re a talking unicorn,” I said. “Sometimes when you poop, it comes out as rainbows and smells like cookies. There is nothing subtle about you.”

“It magical,” Tiggy said succinctly.

“The point is,” Gary said loudly, “when you were dancing with Todd, it was cute and clumsy and juvenile. When you were dancing with Ryan, I thought the entire room was going to choke on the tension.”

I groaned. “That’s the last thing I need. Because if you could see it, then others could too, and that’s how rumors start, and I seriously don’t need everyone knowing how I want to do… stuff… to him.”

“Stuff,” Gary mocked. “Prude. And trust me when I say it’s not just on you. He’s right there with you. You should have seen the glares he was giving Todd when you went through a second dance.”

“Lies,” I said with a scowl. “All lies. You know what? No. I don’t even want to talk about this anymore. I don’t even care. I’m over it. Past it. Moving on. I’m going to march back in there and tell Todd that he’s going to take me out on a date and it will be awkward and nice and that’ll be that.”

Gary and Tiggy stared at me.

“What?” I asked.

“How can you not see it?” Gary asked incredulously.

“See what?”

“Gaaah!” he shrieked.

Tiggy shushed him soothingly. “It okay. Pretty Gary. It okay.”

“You guys are so weird,” I muttered.

“I love you,” Gary said. “But sometimes I want to kick your spleen in.”

“The feeling is mutual,” I assured him. “I don’t even—”

“Sam?” a voice said from behind us.

Because of course.

All three of us turned.

Ryan stood there next to a stand of my mother’s violets, the light from a nearby lantern falling perfectly across his face.

“Well fuck me upside the head,” I said.

He said, “What?”

And I said, “Absolutely nothing,” because my mouth.

“I heard screaming.”

“And you came running? Of course you did.” I sounded like I was in pain.

He shrugged. “I thought somebody might need help.”

Apparently being noble and righteous is a turn-on for me, so I might have drooled a bit. “That was just Gary,” I managed to say. “He does that sometimes. With the screaming.”

“It’s true,” Gary said with a dramatic sigh. “I seem to suffer from a very serious condition called obliviousness by proximity. It causes screaming and the occasional uncontrollable need to stomp stupid wizards for being stupid.”

“And it’s completely fatal,” I said with a glare. “So maybe make with the dying.”

Gary ignored me. “You just happened to be in the garden?” he asked Ryan.

Ryan stared back. “Exactly.”

“Finding a rosebush to make out with your fiancé?” His tone was gentle, but I’d known Gary a long time. He was not being gentle.

“Gary,” I hissed.

“Completely alone,” Ryan said.

“Is that right? It seems a betrothed knight commander wouldn’t need to be alone.”

“You would think.”

Gary’s eyes narrowed. “I’m pretty sure I don’t like you.”

“My world is crumbling,” Ryan said.

I might have laughed. Because sass.

Gary wasn’t as amused. “Gary knows how to kill a bitch.”

“You probably should run,” I told Ryan. “When he starts referring to himself in the third person, it usually means he’s about to go into one of his unicorn rages.”

“Unicorn rages?” Ryan asked.

“There’s glitter involved,” I said solemnly. “Glitter and sarcasm. You’ll be emotionally eviscerated. Not physically, because we haven’t gotten his horn back yet. Count your blessings.”

“Don’t think I need it to kick your ass, though!” Gary snarled, prancing backward and forward. Glitter started sprinkling in the air around him, sloughing off from his back and sides. We could never really quite figure out where it came from. Gary had said it was because his insides were so festive. I’d told him that was way lame. “Bring it on, pretty boy! Gary gonna bring the pain.”

“It would probably be more threatening if you weren’t angrily raining glitter,” Ryan said. “It’s hard to be intimidated when you’re so shiny.”

“This is amazing,” I whispered to no one in particular because no one was listening to me.

“Shiny?” Gary said, outraged. “I’ll show you shiny! When I am finished with my emotional onslaught, you won’t even understand the concept of self-esteem, much less how to have it!”

Tiggy said, “This gonna be ugly.”

“You’re adorable,” Ryan said, and he was adorable for using the word adorable. Especially since he sounded like he meant it.

And Gary must have heard it too. Especially since unicorns can tell when someone is lying. “I’ll murder your face and—wait. What?” Gary stopped prancing.

Ryan shrugged. “You’re adorable. With your angry glitter.”

And Gary blushed. His whole face. Never before in the strange and sordid history of our super-best friendship had I ever seen him blush. “Aww,” he said. He scuffed the ground with one hoof. “You just hush, you.” And then he giggled.

“What is even happening right now?” I said.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Gary said. “Ryan is in love with me. We’re going to run away together. Now shoo.” He turned back to Ryan, dismissing me completely. “Now,” he said. “Tell me more about myself.”

“It’s a love for the ages,” Ryan agreed with a small smile.

“You have to hand-feed me grapes,” Gary demanded. “Peeled frozen grapes. I will not accept anything less. I am the light of your life and you shall treat me as such.”

Ryan rubbed a hand along Gary’s nose and I was so pissed off because I wanted him to rub my nose. So I said, “Gary, you whore! He’s getting married!” Like I actually thought Ryan would fuck my unicorn best friend. Right? Right?

I heard the wicked curl in his tone even before I could comprehend Gary’s words, and only then did I realize just how much of a diabolical mastermind my best friend could be. He had planned this. Getting to this point. He was evil.

“Sam,” he said with a glance back at me. “Weren’t you saying something about marching back inside and asking Todd out on a date?”

And the somewhat cheery atmosphere died a quick and painful death.

I cursed Gary in my head. My fingers actually twitched with the beginnings of a banishing spell that could potentially send him to the ends of the known world, but I somehow was able to stop myself. Barely.

Why, though? It shouldn’t matter what Gary had said. I owed nothing to Ryan. He definitely owed nothing to me.

So I said, “Yeah, sure.” Because I was. Because I had options.

Ryan took a step back from Gary and dropped his hand.

And then he said flatly, “You’ll need a chaperone.”

I rolled my eyes. “Because that makes sense. It’s not like he can hurt me. I’m taller than him and can set him on fire.”

“It’s to protect your virtue,” Ryan said through gritted teeth.

“My virtue?”

“Oh,” Gary said to Tiggy. “It’s so much more fun being on this side of things.”

“Why Sam loud?” Tiggy asked.

“It’s his default setting,” Gary said.

“It’s to make sure you stay safe,” Ryan said. “You’re important to m—to the Kingdom.”

“To the Kingdom,” Gary whispered.

“Right,” Tiggy whispered back, “the Kingdom.”

“I don’t need anyone to protect my virtue,” I snapped. “If I wanted to go out and fuck the first guy I saw, then I could. Or maybe I’d feel adventurous and find a lady! Maybe both. At the same time.”

“Sam, honey,” Gary called, breaking through the anger. “Remember you love the mens. No lady bits. Though you seem to have an unhealthy appreciation of boobs.”

“Okay,” I said. “Point. Breasts are fascinating.”

Ryan was pissed. “You’re not going to fuck anything.”

“Whoa.”

“What?”

“You just said fuck.”

“So?”

“But, you’re a knight. You can’t say things like fuck. You’re supposed to hug children and rescue kittens and slay fantastical beasts. You can’t say fuck. It’s unbecoming of someone of your position.”

“And you can?” He was back to being bemused.

I grinned. “You bet your fucking ass I can. I’m a wizard.”

“Apprentice,” Gary whispered.

Murder is bad. Murder is bad. “Regardless, I am my own man. I don’t answer to anyone but myself.”

“And me,” Gary said.

“And Gary,” I allowed. Because it was true.

“And Tiggy,” Tiggy said.

“And Tiggy.” Because that was also true.

“And your mom,” Gary said. “And your dad. And Morgan. And the King.”

“Okay, them too.” I was not my own man at all.

Ryan smiled. It was not the nice one I’d seen earlier. “Good. I’ll ask the King about it, then.”

Motherfucker. “You fight dirty, Foxheart,” I grumbled.

“Hey, if I have to go through with it, then so do you,” he said, which brought significantly more questions than I wanted to deal with. Like did they ever ditch the chaperone? Did they run away and fuck in the forest? Was Ryan a virgin? A sweet, sweet virgin with a big, fat—

Nope. Nope, nope, nope. So not even going there.

“Not for much longer,” I said lightly. “Pretty soon, it’s married life for you.” That was easier to think about.

“Hey, Ryan?” Gary asked. “If you’re so concerned with Sam’s… virtue and importance to the Kingdom, why don’t you volunteer to be the chaperone? As Knight Commander of the King’s Guard, no one is more qualified than you to ensure the safety of his butthole.”

I muttered two dark syllables as the green fluttered around the edges of my vision. I snapped my fingers and Gary’s mouth was bound with shining twine. He glared at me while Tiggy laughed at him. Gary was a unicorn, so his magic would counteract my own in a few short minutes, but it shut him up for now. It was time to end this, and Ryan would laugh and I would laugh (while slowly withering on the inside), and then I’d go back inside and find some way to move to a different continent.

And then Ryan said, “That’s a good idea. I’ll tell the King immediately.” He turned tightly on his heel and started walking toward the ballroom.

Because. What? “Hey!”

“Don’t worry,” he called over his shoulder. “It’ll be a great first date. You’ll see.”

And then he was gone.

“What in the fuck just happened?” I breathed.

Gary’s magic finally negated my own and the twine fell away and disappeared. “I fell in love with Ryan, you got jealous, then I fell out of love with him because he seemed needy, you tied me up, I got half a chubby because it reminded me of Octavio, and now you have a date with Ryan. Oops. I mean Todd. Gosh, I’m beat. What a long night. Tiggy, take me to bed or lose me forever. Bye, Sam! Bye! Good night! Bye!”

And my night ended with me standing alone among my mother’s flowers saying “Wait, what?” as I looked up at the stars and wished for impossible things.