CHAPTER 8

Turning Noses into Dicks and Other Stories

 

 

EIGHT DAYS later, Morgan said, “I’m sending you north.”

I paused from where I’d been scribbling in my Grimoire. “Oh?” was all I could think to say. Because this wasn’t just north. I knew he meant north. Which, to be perfectly honest, was intimidating as all fuck.

He must have seen that flicker of fear across my face because he shook his head. “No. Not for that. Not yet. You’re not ready, Sam.”

Thank the gods because he meant north.

The cold lands from where my father had come.

Where Morgan’s mentor resided in a castle made of ice.

Randall. The scariest motherfucker ever.

Morgan rolled his eyes. “He’s not that bad.” Like he could read my mind.

“Not that bad?” I wheezed. “He’s the one who decides who moves on from apprenticeship by conducting the Trials! He’s the one who can make or break my future. Oh, and there’s the little fact that he hates every fiber of my being.”

“He doesn’t hate you, Sam. I’ve told you that a thousand times.”

“Uh, pretty sure he does. I don’t blame him, either. You were there the first time I met him. You stood right there when I accidentally turned his nose into a penis. He couldn’t figure out how to reverse it for three days. And he was officiating a wedding the next day. He had to marry a bride and groom with a dick nose! He told me that one day he’d have his revenge. Oh gods. What have I done to you? Do you really hate me that bad? Did I disappoint you so badly that you want to subject me to the absolute worst thing you could possibly think of?”

Morgan was trying hard not to laugh, the bastard. “It could have happened to anyone,” he said. “Granted, it happened to you, which is not all that surprising.”

“I was fifteen,” I said with a scowl. “Of course I was thinking about dicks. You know what? No. I blame you. Puberty was an awful, awful time, and you made me do magic. This is all your fault.”

“Trust me,” he said. “I tell myself that every day.”

“Har, har. No. I’m not going. I’ll go live in the woods and become the scary story that parents tell their children about. Be careful, little Tommy. Old Man Sam lives in those woods. If you don’t eat your vegetables, he’ll come when you’re sleeping and steal your feet.”

“To be fair, it wasn’t the first thing you’d turned into a penis.”

“Ugh.”

“Like that turkey.”

“Shut up.”

“Or the King’s wine glass.”

“Do you remember the look on his face? I thought he’d literally shit himself.”

“Or the—”

“I get it,” I snapped. “I had dick on the brain.”

“I love our little talks.”

“You’re really going to make me go, aren’t you?”

“It’ll be good for you,” Morgan said kindly. “Give you some time to clear your head.”

“With the wizard of all wizards. Like, the head wizard.”

“Yes, Sam.”

I had to make sure. “I’m not ready. For the Trials.”

“I know. And that’s not what you’re going for. At least not yet. Hopefully, that’s still years away.”

Randall was the oldest wizard in existence, and I swear he was hanging on just so that he could one day have his revenge against me. Morgan said he was at least six hundred years old, that the amount of magic in him kept him from passing through the veil, but I knew otherwise. I was going to get there, he was going to turn me into a giant dick, and then he was going to die, cackling as he did so.

Granted, that would mean he wouldn’t be in charge of my Trials, the process from moving on from an apprentice to being a full wizard. The youngest wizard to pass the Trials had been forty-two. Morgan had done so when he was sixty-seven. I wanted to take the Trials by the time I hit thirty.

But between not having finished my Grimoire and a lack of a solidified cornerstone, that dream was slipping further and further away.

I sighed. “You told him, huh? Through your secret wizarding network that you still haven’t told me about.”

“It’s called a letter in the mail,” he said.

I narrowed my eyes. “It takes a month to get to Castle Freeze Your Ass Off.”

“I’m aware. And don’t call it that when you get there. It’s Castle Freesias. You know how Randall gets when you’re mouthy. You need to try and curb some of your more natural urges.”

“I’m aware. His jaw twitches whenever I speak.”

Morgan grinned. “That’s because you let the words fall out without rhyme or reason. He’s a bit more economical that way.”

“That’s code for he hates me.”

“He’s worried about you.”

I looked up in surprise. “He is?”

“Regardless of what you think, he cares about you, Sam. And we’re… concerned.”

“Concerned,” I repeated.

“This cornerstone business can be trying on an apprentice,” Morgan said. “Especially one of your… unique caliber. He will teach you in ways that I cannot. I’m too close to you. I’m biased and might not be able to see the full picture. And in the long run, that will cause more harm than good. For the both of us.”

“Because you love me,” I said, sounding smug.

“More like you grew on me,” he said. “Like fungus.”

“How long?” Because Randall was on the other side of Verania and I highly doubted he would be coming to me.

“A month to Castle Freesias,” he said. “Four months there. One month back.”

“Six months? Morgan, I don’t have time for—”

“You do,” he said, bringing himself to his full height. “And you will. Because this isn’t a suggestion. I am the King’s Wizard. You are my apprentice. This is an order.”

“You know, that ooh-scary-look-at-me voice might work on other people, but I’ve seen you vomit pink goo after that selkie scratched you and you told me you wanted to hug me for days. It doesn’t work on me anymore when you have demanded I snuggle with you.”

“I had a fever,” he said. “There were hallucinations!”

“Riiiight. That’s what we’re going with. And if I go, Gary and Tiggy go too.”

“Because you’re codependent and can never do anything on your own.”

“Rude. You’re just jealous because you’re not invited on the Super Awesome Road-Trip Fun-Time Extravaganza.”

He sighed. “You capitalized that, didn’t you?”

I smiled because he knew me so well. “When do we leave?”

“Five days,” he said. “It’ll give you enough time to prepare. And I’m serious, Sam. You stay on the roads. You stay out of the Dark Woods. You stay away from Dark wizards. You avoid any and all shenanigans. You get to Castle Freesias. You learn what you need to. You get back. I want no deviations to that, you understand?”

I laughed at him. “Come on. It’s me you’re talking to. What could possibly go wrong?”

 

 

MOM SAID, “You’re going where? And for how long?”

Dad said, “I’ll make sure you have plenty of yak fur to wear because you are a wuss and can’t handle the cold.”

Gary said, “You want me to walk to Castle Freeze Your Ass Off? Are you out your damn mind? I just got my hooves painted!”

Tiggy said, “You gonna get captured again. I go to keep you safe, tiny human.”

Morgan said, “Just stay out of trouble. For me. For my sanity. I beg of you.”

 

 

AND I did. I tried to stay out of trouble.

Too bad trouble found me even before we’d left for the north.

Dragons are funny like that.

 

 

“WORD ON the street is that you’re leaving,” Justin said as I left the labs.

And I’d done so well in avoiding him. Goddammit. I plastered the largest fake smile on my face and turned to look at the Prince.

Of course he looked as perfect as usual, leaning nonchalantly against the stone wall, arms across a built chest, a bored look on his handsome face.

“Your Grace,” I said with a nod of my head. “I wasn’t aware you went out to the streets. Much less listened to what’s being said on them.” And I was slightly annoyed that someone had been talking when they shouldn’t have, which meant that Gary probably ran his big fat unicorn mouth down at the nail salon where he went to get his hooves touched back up after he’d scuffed the ground in anger. He and the owner, Ming Win, were thick as thieves, and I just knew they were plotting together in that language Ms. Win spoke that sounded like the fluttering of bird wings.

“When it pertains to my wizard, I tend to listen,” he said.

Man, did those words grate. I was not a fucking possession. “Apprentice,” I said.

He glared at me. “What’s that now?”

“Not a wizard. I’m an apprentice. But thank you for your concern.”

“Are you leaving?”

“You’ve never asked me that before.”

“I’ve never had a reason.”

I cocked an eyebrow at him. “And you do now?”

“Ryan,” he said.

“Ryan,” I said blandly, even though my heart was thundering in my chest.

“He’s a bit… distraught.”

“Is he?”

“Has been ever since that night.”

“And which night would that be?”

“When you two went on a date.” He smiled. It was an icy thing. “Sorry. When you went on a date with Todd. How is Todd?”

“Uh. Fine? He’s fine. He’s good.” Actually, I really had no idea how Todd was because after Morgan had said he was sending me north, I’d sent a missive to Todd explaining how his ears were awesome and I liked his freckles, but that I had to leave for months and that it wasn’t fair to him to wait for someone like me. I told him to find a nice man who could eat blueberries and ducks and maybe when I got back, I could take him out for a drink and we could be friends.

He’d responded two days later with a letter of his own.

 

Sam—

I figured this was coming the moment the Knight Commander got into the carriage with us. Father will be disappointed, but I understand. Your world is magic and mystery. Mine is hotels and theme nights. Those should probably not mix in any romantic capacity. The results could be disastrous.

Safe travels,

Todd

PS: So when are you going to tell the Knight Commander you’re in love with him? Because, honestly? That was PAINFUL.

 

I had immediately burned the letter because it was all lies and attempted to construct a voodoo doll of Todd. I got stuck on the ears and abandoned the whole project in favor of glaring at the ash remains of the Letter of Evil. I thought about writing again and taking back every nice thing I’d ever said about his ears, realized that was petty and untrue, because his ears were adorable.

And truthfully, I felt kind of bad.

So, no. I hadn’t heard from Todd. Nor had I expected to.

But fuck Justin in the face.

“He’s busy,” I said. “Hotel stuff.”

“That so?” Justin asked. “Good for him. Well, since you’re obviously not doing anything—”

“That’s not true, I have plenty—”

“—I think it’s a good idea for you and I to spend some time together. Just the two of us.”

I would have rather had my balls torn off. “Say what now?”

He sighed prettily. “Sam, you are to be the King’s Wizard one day. I am going to be the King. You will be my advisor, as wrong as that sounds. We should at least spend some time together before you leave for months on end. I mean, who knows if you’ll even come back? I would just feel awful if something happened to you out there in the big, wide world and I never had a chance to say we bonded.”

“Somehow, I get the feeling you wouldn’t be that upset.”

He grinned. “Nonsense. I would be broken to pieces.”

“I can tell. Your words are too kind, my Prince.”

“Now, what should we do? What could you and I possibly do together?” He tapped the side of his face, thinking malicious things. Then his eyes lit up. “I’ve just had the most wonderful idea.”

“Uh-oh,” I muttered under my breath. “Hold on to it. I have a feeling those are a rarity.”

“How’s that now?” he asked, stepping away from the wall.

“Nothing, Your Grace,” I said sweetly. “I’m sure whatever you’ve thought of is perfect.”

“Oh, it is. Shall we?”

 

 

I WAS completely and utterly fucked.

I figured as much when Justin got that glint in his eye that meant he was about to be a fucking jerk. Yes, I was not a fan of his (and I was most certainly not a member of his fan club—of which there were inexplicably several—though the two clubs met every other month or so to talk about “Rystin,” their favorite couple, while I would sit in the back seething that combining Ryan and Justin to make Rystin was stupid, but what if Ryan Foxheart had met a guy named Sam Haversford? It’d be HaveHeart! It practically wrote itself. This, by the way, being the twentieth meeting I’d attended). But I liked to think that maybe deep down in the black and murky confines of his soul, Prince Justin was an okay guy.

I was wrong.

“So, this is the sparring grounds,” I said unnecessarily. “And we’re alone.”

“Are we?” he said, sounding surprised. “I suppose we are.”

“You’re a Prince. And we’ve somehow managed to make it out of the castle and out of the city undetected to the sparring grounds. Which are empty.”

“How strange. Well, it’s Wednesday and the knights will be on the east end, going through their exercises.”

“And we’re west,” I said.

“West,” he agreed.

“You probably shouldn’t murder me,” I said out loud, even though I totally meant to keep that in my head.

He laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Wow. That was reassuring.

He walked over to a massive shed standing at the edges of the field. There was a metal padlock on the doors.

“Oh no,” I said. “It’s locked. We should go home.”

“Bah,” he said. “You have your magic. Unlock it.”

“I left my magic in my room,” I said, like that was a real thing.

“Oh. It’s good I have the key, then.”

“Super. Good. We’re going to spar, aren’t we?”

“We are,” he said easily, unlocking the doors. “It’ll be good to measure each other’s strengths with weapons. Heavy, sharp weapons.”

“Remind me, what place did you finish in your sword-handling division at the last summer celebration?”

“Hmmm?” he said, pulling the doors opened. “I didn’t think you paid attention to such things. Oh, Sam. I don’t like to brag. It’s so unbecoming.” He reached in and pulled out an estoc longsword. He spun it easily in his hand with a ridiculous flourish. “First place. Four years running.”

“Yeah,” I said. “I’m going to have to take a rain check. I just remembered that I made plans with someone to not be here and be wherever they are.”

“Nonsense,” Justin said. “Gary’s with Tiggy in town picking up supplies for your trip that no one is supposed to know about. Your parents are at work. My father is meeting with certain heads of state to discuss new trade routes, Morgan by his side. And Ryan is overseeing the knights’ exercises. Who else could you possibly know? Pick a sword, Sam. Your training is about to begin.”

“Training,” I said stupidly.

“Indeed. After the disaster at Antonella’s where you proved you are not in control as you’d like everyone to think, you really believe I’d let you go out into the world without knowing how to use a sword? Come, Sam. That would just be irresponsible.”

A low-level fury rolled through me, and I did my best to push it away. “That’s very kind of you, sire. I’m sure your tutelage will prove to be enlightening.”

He smiled. It was all teeth. “Undoubtedly.” He tossed me the estoc without warning. I fumbled gracelessly, narrowly avoiding grabbing the blade. It was heavier than I thought it would be.

I never understood the point of sword fighting. It felt too visceral. Too barbaric. It usually always resulted in bloodshed in close proximity. Magic wasn’t like that. There was no need to incapacitate by injury when it could be avoided.

Of course, that little dark voice inside that spoke through the magic reminded me just how close I’d come to encasing the Darks completely in rock. How I could have burst their hearts or set them on fire.

I did my best to ignore that voice. No good would come of it.

Except for setting Justin on fire.

That’d probably be good.

Just his shirt.

I’d put it out.

Eventually.

He reached back in and took out another sword, similar to the estoc he’d given me. He handled it easily. My body and arms weren’t conditioned like his and Ryan’s. I wasn’t dashing and immaculate. Yet another reason they were obviously perfect for each other.

Wow. That sounded bitter.

He left the shed doors opened and turned toward the sparring field. There were wooden dummies shaped in the approximation of a man at one end, covered in nicks and cuts from sword practice. I thought we’d start there (wondering why we were really starting at all), but Justin didn’t even glance at them. He led me to the far end of the sparring field, the grass bright and green under our feet, the sky clear and blue above. There was a breeze, and I could smell the trees and the flowers and maybe even a hint of salt from the sea at the ports ten miles away. On a hill in the distance, a large flock of sheep grazed, white among the green.

It was almost nice.

Company excluded, of course.

Because he said, “No magic.”

I said, “What?”

He stretched his neck from side to side. “No magic. It isn’t fair.”

I snorted. “I’ve never used a sword. Let’s talk about fair—”

“We could always use our fists,” he said, and there was a sour tang to the air now. His jaw had tightened and there was a flash of something in his eyes that hadn’t been there before.

“What is this?” I asked him quietly.

“A lesson,” he said, brandishing the sword again

“In?”

“Humility. You see, Sam. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you didn’t know your place.”

“You’d think wrong.”

He took a step toward me. I took an answering step back. “Is that right?”

“Yes.”

He raised his sword. Settled into a defensive position. “Sword up, Sam. It’s time to begin.”

I brought the sword up, holding the handle with two hands. It was awkward. The blade shook slightly.

“Now,” he said. “Most think it’s about brute attacks. Quick and heavy. Bashing down your opponent. Skin split and blood spilled.”

He swung his sword out in a flat horizontal arc. I managed to jump back. Barely.

I said, “Justin.”

He said, “But unless your opponent is weak, sheer brute force will only result in exhaustion. And that could lead to mistakes. Mistakes not normally made.”

He brought the sword up and over his head, bringing it down toward me. I raised my own sword defensively over my head. The blades clashed. The vibrations from the impact rolled down my arm into my shoulder. The metal scraped as he pulled his sword back and away.

“It’s better to dance,” Justin said, taking a step back. “Waiting for your opponent to attack and attack and attack. Eventually, he’ll tire until he can barely stand and that’s when you move in for the kill.”

There was green, flicking off out of the corner of my eyes. It felt heady and strong, and I knew just how easy it would be to hold on to it, sink down under it and just push.

Instead, I said, “I’m not doing this. Whatever this is.”

I dropped the sword. It fell to the ground.

Justin’s eyes narrowed. “Pick it up.”

“No.”

He brought the flat end of the sword up and before I could move, slapped me across the thigh with it. There was a flare of pain as the muscle seized, but I kept my face blank.

“Pick it up,” he snarled.

So much green. It was everywhere.

“What do you want?” I asked him. “I’ve never done anything to you. In fact, I’ve done everything I could to stay out of your way.”

“And yet I find you there again and again,” he said. “My father. The King’s Court. The castle, the city, the country. Everyone knows of Sam of Wilds. The little boy from the slums who by accident found himself a spot in royalty though he’d done nothing to deserve it.”

“And you have?” I asked him, cocking my head. This felt hard. Dangerous. I didn’t care. “What exactly did you do? You were born and it was given to you. That’s all. That’s all you’ve ever done, and you’re in line to be King. And a king I don’t know if I could serve.”

He took a step back. “You don’t have a choice.”

I smiled at him. “There’s always a choice. I am not bound to you. Not yet. I haven’t taken my oaths. I haven’t been through the Trials. You don’t own me, Justin. I could walk away from you and never come back.”

A king without a wizard to advise him was frowned upon. A prince whose wizard apprentice had walked away was unheard of. There weren’t many of us. He needed me more than I needed him.

There was a false bravado that pushed itself through the real fear I saw on his face. “You wouldn’t.”

“Watch me.”

“Your parents,” he said. “You’d never see them again.”

And that… well. That didn’t sit right. “Are you threatening my parents?” I asked him, my voice low.

“You’re the one that said he’d walk away.” He took a defensive stance.

“What is this?” I asked him again. “Why all the theatrics? What do you want?”

“Stay away from Ryan,” he said. “I don’t care what has happened between you. I don’t care what you think he is to you. You stay away from him.”

Ah. Because that makes sense. Unless he knew about Ryan’s position as my cornerstone, which would mean Morgan told him or someone else. Which frankly didn’t fly. Morgan was a man of secrets. Cornerstones were private business.

So the only thing that remained was my ridiculous crush on a man I would never have. And that I hadn’t been as subtle as I thought I’d been. Not-that-subtle and I were more than passing acquaintances.

“It’s not like that,” I said quietly.

“Bullshit,” Justin snarled. “I’ve seen the way you look at him. The way he looks at you.”

I laughed bitterly. “I assure you he sees me as nothing more than an annoyance. I didn’t even know he knew my name until the day I got back from the Dark Woods.”

“Trust me,” Justin said. “He’s known who you are for far longer than that.”

And before I could even begin to process what that meant, I said, “I’m leaving. For at least six months. You won’t have to see me.”

“I know,” he said. “I’ve had to see the look on his face ever since you told him.”

“He’s my friend,” I said. “Nothing more.”

“He’s mine.”

“I know. Trust me. Everyone knows.”

He raised the sword again and I said, “Don’t.”

I thought fier and my fingers twitched and flexed and there was red and orange and I thought to push and push hard, but I pulled most of it back.

Justin gasped as the sword in his hand grew scalding. It fell to the ground, charring the grass underneath.

He said, “I’ll see you in the dungeon for this—” and I ignored him because the sheep began to bleat loudly among a low rumble.

I turned toward the hill where they’d been grazing.

They were running toward us, frantically calling out. I didn’t see a shepherd, unless he was on the other side of the hill.

Birds called out overhead. I looked up and they too were heading the direction of the sheep.

I felt the first ripple of something in my chest, like a pinprick of magic, dancing along my skin.

“What the hell?” Justin said, coming to stand next to me.

“Do you feel that?” I asked him, because the ground felt like it was shaking, almost like an earthquake.

“What is it?” he asked.

“I don’t know. It looks like—”

Then great wings appeared over the hill, rising up and falling down.

“It looks like a motherfucking dragon,” I said weakly. “We should probably run.”

And so we did.

I was not a fan of the Prince. He was cocky, arrogant, rude, and apparently had brought me out here to beat a lesson into me about wanting to secretly bone his boyfriend. (My life.) I had no reason to care for him aside from the fact that he would be my King one day.

But that’s all it took.

Because he would be my King one day. Even if I walked away, even if I left the City of Lockes, I would always be a part of Verania, and he would be my King.

So my only thoughts were to keep him safe.

I glanced over my shoulder.

I really wished I hadn’t.

Because the dragon had crested the hill. It wasn’t as big as I’d thought it’d be, which meant it was still young. However, it was still the size of a house, which meant it was much bigger than Justin and me.

The dragon was black, its scales mottled with stretches of red almost the color of the King’s crest. Two horns grew out the top of its head that looked to be as big as I was. The wings were translucent, light filtering through.

They were a rarity in the world, and the sightings of them even rarer. They were intelligent, fierce creatures who killed and took for the sheer sake of doing so.

I’d thought them all named. I thought I knew them all, the ones that resided in Verania. Two lived in the north, a mated pair that lived high in the mountains where snow never melted. There was one to the west, a desert dragon that burrowed extensive tunnels underneath the sand. There were rumors of a fourth that lived in the Dark Woods, but it’d been at least a century since it’d been seen. That dragon had been old and white, and the woods were deep. It was possible it’d died years before, its bones resting where no man had stood for decades.

But this. This one was new.

And I knew the moment it spotted us, dark eyes glittering.

Justin must have felt it too, because he said, “Oh shit.”

And all I could say was “Faster.”

The weapons shed. It wasn’t ideal, but maybe I could—

The dragon roared behind us.

And if that wasn’t a sound to make you shit yourself, I didn’t know what was.

I hazarded a look over my shoulder.

The dragon was right there.

And it was rearing back and I could smell the gases from the flammable liquid filling its throat from a gland near the back of its tongue.

Fire.

I most certainly didn’t want to die right now.

Especially not with Justin.

We weren’t going to make it to the shed.

I grabbed him by the arm.

I thought ies and clo, twisting my right hand in a circle over my head. The air around us froze in a snap as the moisture solidified downward, cocooning Justin and I in a circle of thick ice. I grabbed him and pulled him, covering him with myself.

And it came then. The fire. There was a low mmmmm that turned into a blast of hot air and orange-red light. It shone through the fractals of ice, and if we weren’t mere inches away from getting burned to nothing, it would have been beautiful. But being that close to death really takes away from pretty fire-ice lights.

The fire died.

Justin said, “Oh.”

I gathered my magic.

The ice shattered around us with a swipe of the dragon’s claws. Like giants, they were magical creatures in their own right and could counter most types of magic.

Which sucked.

Because that was just lame.

And it became even worse when the dragon lowered its massive head toward me and said in a loud, rumbling voice, “I really hate wizards.”

I blinked. Because dragons weren’t supposed to talk. “Um. What?”

“Cocky shits,” he said. “With your whizbangs and pretty sparkles. Too bad too. I’d really have liked to wined you, dined you, then fucked you stupid.”

“What?”

And then it brought a massive arm back, and before I could move, it brought it forward, and I managed to think This is going to hurt before I was flying through the air. I smashed into the side of the weapons shed, my breath knocked from my chest as I crashed through the wood. My head struck something metal and I saw stars, more than I’d ever seen before in my life. I landed awkwardly under a shelf in the far corner as the shed collapsed around me. As darkness started to fall, I heard Justin shouting.

“Get the fuck away from me!”

“You on the other hand,” the dragon said. “You are darling. I think I’d like to hoard you.”

“Hoard? You can’t—”

Then Justin yelled again, but honestly, I couldn’t be bothered because the stars were growing brighter and brighter until they were all I could see. And as I heard the snap of those great wings taking flight, I followed the stars into the dark.